Venting Heart-Break: Will It Ever Really Stop?

[Into The Wild]

Back again with another rambling post. I hope, again, that people who are going through same stuff as me can take solace that there are others. That is what I use this place for.

I want to ask people who have been through something similar to me a simple question. Does it ever stop? Maybe you can tell your story and get something off your chest here too?

I am talking about heart-break and I don't just mean high-school fall-out or stuff like that, although that can be painful too. I mean proper stuff. I mean I was with this woman for over 3 years (which I know is not that much actually compared to others) and she was the best thing in the world. I knew she was the one, I just knew. I was trying my best to get it all sorted in my life: flat, job, car etc so I could finally ask her to marry me. I had started looking at rings and all those things.

Then it all went wrong, I got ill again (I barely even noticed but my anxiety & depression creeps up on me) and turned paranoid and she couldn't handle my fuck-ups anymore. I made a lot of mistakes, granted, but we always forgave each-other these. Then for some reason she couldn't anymore. Then I found out she was already with someone else after 2 weeks of us splitting. I do not know if she cheated on me. But in my mind, no-one moves on after 2 weeks unless something funny is up. But I don't understand the world. It wouldn't surprise me if this is now "normal behaviour" as I truly feel like an alien somedays.

Whatever happened, I think it changed me forever and I pinpoint that exact moment to the moment I started feeling suicidal. I have peaks and troughs and I am trying to sort myself out recently. But some days are still so hard. Above all else that saddens me, I think I cannot ever be with anyone else romantically. Not again. It has been around 2 years since then and I cannot make it stop. That pain is always there at the back of my thoughts.

I've tried EVERYTHING to get over this. Moved country, changed jobs, followed the dreams that I couldn't when I was with her. Nothing and I mean NOTHING has worked. Recently I have had a resurgence of the nightmares I used to get about her. They are hard to explain; it is often about something or someone completely different (sometimes a situations I've never been in before) but I can just FEEL her there, like a presence. Like a sad shadow over me. Recently I dreamt of someone giving birth, who looked nothing like her and then the father came into the room and it looked nothing like the guy she ran off with...BUT IT WAS. It was them, felt like them, even though it looked nothing like it. It should have been me...

So again, I ask people...does this stop? I can take feeling suicidal, or that my life is pointless. Most of the time I just crack on and try knowing that I can always leave if I want to. But what I cannot take is this coming back and making me feel even worse. Because usually I am numb. Hidden under a very thin layer of fleeting desires. They are all I have left apart from unrealistic goals.

I feel a little better posting this and I hope that if you respond others can too. I'm so sorry for anyone else who has gone through this. I am living it everyday and no-one deserves it. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy or the nastiest scum-bag alive. It's like maggots in your brain and I can't get rid of them.

ITW

 

[chrijo]

I've been through this too. After that experience, I wasn't the same anymore. Something inside me has died and I'll never get it back.

I've lost my trust in everything, especially in people and myself. All I see now is lies everywhere.

For me, the pain will never go away. The only thing that helps is time to handle it better someday. If you are able to fall in love again, you still have good chances for improvement. For me, love is dead and I'll never touch it again. Love has raped my heart and killed my soul.

 

[Memento Mori]

dont want to explain an endless story so i'll skip to your question: i don't think so. it just feels different or more acceptable by time for most people. and some die with 30 years from heartache...

 

[Watery5]

It's not what you asked, but here we go:
I am the one who run away. I am the girl who break up a 7-year relationship with the guy who was my soul mate, and I really believed he was through the first 5 years. But I looked at him and I didn't fell the same love or desire as before. I tried, but I just didn't fell, and that was killing me slowly. I managed to stay with him that last 2 years, part as convenience, part as fear of what I would cause to him breaking up. And it was hell.
Today, I feel ashamed of what I did what i fell, but I couldn't help it. And even for me, today, love is dead. I mean, if it wasn't him, it couldn't be anyone else. Life sucks.

 

[Into The Wild]

I am the one who run away. I am the girl who break up a 7-year relationship with the guy who was my soul mate, and I really believed he was through the first 5 years. But I looked at him and I didn't fell the same love or desire as before.

Maybe you should talk to him again. It sounds like you still like him. I wish she would talk to me again.

As for this:

If you are able to fall in love again, you still have good chances for improvement. For me, love is dead and I'll never touch it again. Love has raped my heart and killed my soul.

Everyday that passes I get closer to this. I'm sorry friend and I hope that you have nice days despite how you feel about this.

it just feels different or more acceptable by time for most people. and some die with 30 years from heartache...

Maybe that will have to be good enough. As Watery5 said: I don't think I want anyone else but her even after all she has done. I know she won't come back. She wouldn't even talk to me now. I get very scared.

 

[Kyrok]

I went through a very painful breakup in 2004. We were together for about a year and she was the first woman I wanted to marry. She was gorgeous, elegant, smart, but also had skeletons in her closet.

I was suicidally depressed for about a month afterwards, but then put maximal effort into dating (fucking). Four months after the breakup I met my future wife. For a while, she was sort-of proxy for my prior gf, but after a few more months that changed.

So, my recommendation: have some flings. You need to get your mind on other women and slowly she moves into the background.

 

[Watery5]

Maybe you should talk to him again. It sounds like you still like him. I wish she would talk to me again.

As for this:



Everyday that passes I get closer to this. I'm sorry friend and I hope that you have nice days despite how you feel about this.



Maybe that will have to be good enough. As Watery5 said: I don't think I want anyone else but her even after all she has done. I know she won't come back. She wouldn't even talk to me now. I get very scared.

oh, its's not the case. I love the time we spent together, but I no longer love him. Love is always complicated, don't matter on what side of the story you are.

 

[Marawa]

Not only will it end, you'll feel sorry for the her next victim. I say victim because for some reason she wasn't honest enough to release you before getting involved with someone else. & maybe your both just young.
As an older person, I can almost promise it will end but will feel bad for quite a while. But the advice already given will help speed that along. & one day you'll wonder (when you meet a mature honest woman), what was i thinking?

 

[Dead beat dad]

Back again with another rambling post. I hope, again, that people who are going through same stuff as me can take solace that there are others. That is what I use this place for.

I want to ask people who have been through something similar to me a simple question. Does it ever stop? Maybe you can tell your story and get something off your chest here too?

I am talking about heart-break and I don't just mean high-school fall-out or stuff like that, although that can be painful too. I mean proper stuff. I mean I was with this woman for over 3 years (which I know is not that much actually compared to others) and she was the best thing in the world. I knew she was the one, I just knew. I was trying my best to get it all sorted in my life: flat, job, car etc so I could finally ask her to marry me. I had started looking at rings and all those things.

Then it all went wrong, I got ill again (I barely even noticed but my anxiety & depression creeps up on me) and turned paranoid and she couldn't handle my fuck-ups anymore. I made a lot of mistakes, granted, but we always forgave each-other these. Then for some reason she couldn't anymore. Then I found out she was already with someone else after 2 weeks of us splitting. I do not know if she cheated on me. But in my mind, no-one moves on after 2 weeks unless something funny is up. But I don't understand the world. It wouldn't surprise me if this is now "normal behaviour" as I truly feel like an alien somedays.

Whatever happened, I think it changed me forever and I pinpoint that exact moment to the moment I started feeling suicidal. I have peaks and troughs and I am trying to sort myself out recently. But some days are still so hard. Above all else that saddens me, I think I cannot ever be with anyone else romantically. Not again. It has been around 2 years since then and I cannot make it stop. That pain is always there at the back of my thoughts.

I've tried EVERYTHING to get over this. Moved country, changed jobs, followed the dreams that I couldn't when I was with her. Nothing and I mean NOTHING has worked. Recently I have had a resurgence of the nightmares I used to get about her. They are hard to explain; it is often about something or someone completely different (sometimes a situations I've never been in before) but I can just FEEL her there, like a presence. Like a sad shadow over me. Recently I dreamt of someone giving birth, who looked nothing like her and then the father came into the room and it looked nothing like the guy she ran off with...BUT IT WAS. It was them, felt like them, even though it looked nothing like it. It should have been me...

So again, I ask people...does this stop? I can take feeling suicidal, or that my life is pointless. Most of the time I just crack on and try knowing that I can always leave if I want to. But what I cannot take is this coming back and making me feel even worse. Because usually I am numb. Hidden under a very thin layer of fleeting desires. They are all I have left apart from unrealistic goals.

I feel a little better posting this and I hope that if you respond others can too. I'm so sorry for anyone else who has gone through this. I am living it everyday and no-one deserves it. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy or the nastiest scum-bag alive. It's like maggots in your brain and I can't get rid of them.

ITW

Hi friend, I don't think that you are alone in you experience or pain, but that doesn't make it any less harsh it painful to be where you are.
I'm glad that you feel a bit better after venting your spleen and my experience with this forum is that there are many understanding people to vent to without judgement.
You are safe here.
Like others I have a similar experience to you and my 2c for what it's worth:
I was always predisposded to depression and illness before, women and dating was a thing.
Relationships just add a layer of difficulty in managing depression and illness.
When they end in a sour note they amplify that existing condition.
You may have something like a root, seek to manage this and it may ease the pain of your break up.
This is cliché but time is a healer (for some wounds at least), and this has been my experience.

Tldr; feel your pain, seek to manage all your sources of depression not only this, time can heal.

Good luck brother, I wish you peace.

DBD

 

[AmbleNorth]

Was with the love of my life for 6 years - did everything with her and experienced so much of life that I wouldn't otherwise have without her. She moved on. At the time I thought I would never get over it, but time has tempered that pain quite a bit. Today, my depression corresponds to something outside of the scope of that relationship. They say you never get over some heartaches, but it truly does get easier after a long time passes. Though, I wouldn't have believed that if you told me. In fact, being reminded of it and thinking about it now has made it hurt more than I have in recent memory.

 

[neveranyhope]

How many years has it been? I've only ever had one serious relationship, same length of time as you, 3 years. It's awful. He moved on almost immediately, but I think there are some people like that — those who go maybe 2 days between relationships. He was one of them. We split up in 2010 and he got married last fall, he had 4 serious long term relationships after me before marrying this girl. He was a total dud which I can officially say but he's certainly happier than I am.

Breakups are awful. In my experience the Sex and the City rule is a good rule of thumb — it takes half the length of the relationship to get over the person. I think for longer relationships, though, it can take as long as the relationship was to feel better. I really didn't feel meh-okay until eighteen months out and that's because the breakup caused me to lose a ton of weight & I decided to have a slutty period which is very easy to do as a woman in a big city and I had a lot of fun (part of the reason for the breakup was he didn't ever want to have sex, he was worried what his mother would think facepalm). But it got old after a year and I wanted a relationship again so I got a really good job, beautiful apartment, and got serious.

I'm 8 years out of that period of my life and haven't met anyone. I left the good job and don't like dating without a job, but the funny part? Men did not appreciate that I had a very good job and beautiful apartment. (I thought it would be a win that I had great health insurance and was willing to financially support us, but no) I hit 30 and I was either intimidating or not young enough. I stopped dating last year after a horrible, horrible experience with someone that actually led to this horrible suicidal year in June.

I will say, this last breakup was it for me. I will not go through any of that ever again, and at 35, nobody is going to be interested in me anymore. My reproductive years are coming to a close and I am now a nobody with nothing to offer a man in LA. The situation last year was so horrible because I didn't even like him that much, but he had just introduced me to his family and I was going to host a birthday party for him so I figured I'd wait until after to bring up a "where is this going, I'm not feeling it" talk. But when he just called and dumped me out of the blue because "[I'm] not someone he would EVER be in a relationship with" (...why did you introduce me to your family, I didn't even want to introduce you to my friends yet), I was already on a downward spiral and even thoguh a big part of me was like "NO do not lose it over that LOSER" I couldn't stop the downward slide. It was the day Anthony Bourdain did it, Kate Spade had just done it, some Swedish princess had just done it, I look back and wish I had had the courage to do it. because everything since that hospital experience has been worse than I ever, ever thought it could be and I'm going to lose my place if I can't find a job.

Sorry, I got very self-centered here. Breakups are awful and destroy you. You can get over it but you do have to have sex with someone else to start the process, and sometimes you just don't have the ability to do that for a long time for whatever reason. It's an awful conundrum: other people cause the pain but they're also the cure for it. Back in the day, the 'cure' my friends and I used for getting over a breakup was: 1) a lot of drugs and benders for a while 2) sleeping with someone else 3) you feel better

I don't know any dealers anymore unfortunately, otherwise I'd just get some F and be done with it.

 

[CornerE]

Well , they say : love is a curse .

I may have never fell for any one before .
But I've read and listened to many people who were in love and felt so heart broken after splitting .

Almost all of them agree on that :
1- time heals - and only time does .
2 - after many years , if you met that ex , you may wonder "what made you fall for them !! "
3 - It takes about 2 : 4 years and then you're over it.

Many had used "a deep wound" as a metaphor , as it may take years to heal and fade completely .. but at first , it hurts like hell .

 

[HelpPlease]

Yes it will stop

 

[Jean Améry]

Back again with another rambling post. I hope, again, that people who are going through same stuff as me can take solace that there are others. That is what I use this place for.

I want to ask people who have been through something similar to me a simple question. Does it ever stop? Maybe you can tell your story and get something off your chest here too?

I am talking about heart-break and I don't just mean high-school fall-out or stuff like that, although that can be painful too. I mean proper stuff. I mean I was with this woman for over 3 years (which I know is not that much actually compared to others) and she was the best thing in the world. I knew she was the one, I just knew. I was trying my best to get it all sorted in my life: flat, job, car etc so I could finally ask her to marry me. I had started looking at rings and all those things.

Then it all went wrong, I got ill again (I barely even noticed but my anxiety & depression creeps up on me) and turned paranoid and she couldn't handle my fuck-ups anymore. I made a lot of mistakes, granted, but we always forgave each-other these. Then for some reason she couldn't anymore. Then I found out she was already with someone else after 2 weeks of us splitting. I do not know if she cheated on me. But in my mind, no-one moves on after 2 weeks unless something funny is up. But I don't understand the world. It wouldn't surprise me if this is now "normal behaviour" as I truly feel like an alien somedays.

Whatever happened, I think it changed me forever and I pinpoint that exact moment to the moment I started feeling suicidal. I have peaks and troughs and I am trying to sort myself out recently. But some days are still so hard. Above all else that saddens me, I think I cannot ever be with anyone else romantically. Not again. It has been around 2 years since then and I cannot make it stop. That pain is always there at the back of my thoughts.

I've tried EVERYTHING to get over this. Moved country, changed jobs, followed the dreams that I couldn't when I was with her. Nothing and I mean NOTHING has worked. Recently I have had a resurgence of the nightmares I used to get about her. They are hard to explain; it is often about something or someone completely different (sometimes a situations I've never been in before) but I can just FEEL her there, like a presence. Like a sad shadow over me. Recently I dreamt of someone giving birth, who looked nothing like her and then the father came into the room and it looked nothing like the guy she ran off with...BUT IT WAS. It was them, felt like them, even though it looked nothing like it. It should have been me...

So again, I ask people...does this stop? I can take feeling suicidal, or that my life is pointless. Most of the time I just crack on and try knowing that I can always leave if I want to. But what I cannot take is this coming back and making me feel even worse. Because usually I am numb. Hidden under a very thin layer of fleeting desires. They are all I have left apart from unrealistic goals.

I feel a little better posting this and I hope that if you respond others can too. I'm so sorry for anyone else who has gone through this. I am living it everyday and no-one deserves it. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy or the nastiest scum-bag alive. It's like maggots in your brain and I can't get rid of them.

ITW

I'm sorry your best efforts didn't get you what you wanted/prevented the loss of your relationship. I can very much relate to this.

As to your question: does it get easier? For me it's been over 10 years. It fades but I still miss her deeply and I find it hard to find meaning, joy and love in life without her. It's like the blinders have been torn from my eyes.

To me losing people I loved is a major source of pain, feeling like life has no value and wanting to end it.

 

[Fadingfast]

I just want to die.... I can't go an hour without remembering. I've resorted to self harm in really weird methods that I'm too embarassed to discuss.

 

[GeorgeJL]

Take psychedelics to help you get over heart-break. They heal the energetic body.

 

[throwaway123]

I takes time. A lot of it. At some point you will stop caring about her. It might hurt every now and then but it'll pass.