Healthy habits while having suicidal thoughts

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Hi. I wonder if anyone here is in a same situation like me. My mind is not healthy, that's a fact. But I have healthy habits for my body. Don't drink alcohol, only water. I sleep 7-8 hours. I exercise everyday and eat healthy food. Lots of fruit and vegetables. It's like some part of me does not want to live. I don't know it's like there are two of me: the suicidal guy and the fitness guy. Both inside me. I often ask myself why I take care of my health so much If I want to kill myself. I'm severely depressed most during nights. Existencial crisiiss and I'm reading a lot about nihilism and pesimism.

 

[dysfunctional]

My healthy habits decline when I'm depressed and suicidal. Nice job maintaining.

 

[Polly]

I'm actually taking supplements while planning my death.

 

[letmeseethedeath]

My healthy habits decline when I'm depressed and suicidal. Nice job maintaining.

same. i'm clinically dead when depression hits me

 

[Meowkin]

I was quite health conscious in my early suicidal days. Really watched what I ate. Nowadays I sometimes can't be bothered to eat. I wonder if it's an age thing rather than suicidal ideation and depressed mood.

 

[Soulless_Angel]

2 years ago non suicidal, I took a lot of care in myself, ate well, gym, etc etc,
Now though? I really can't be bothered, i wish I could, but i have zero motivation. Run is preferred

 

[Acerakis]

I'm probably the physically healthiest I have been since I was a child as there is nothing to do at the moment except exercise. Hasn't helped my brain much though.

 

[SpottedPanda]

I've seldom been very health conscious. I smoke, I eat what tastes good, and I think little of it. Oh and my lifestyle is as sedentary as a lifestyle can be.

 

[mathieu]

I'm planning to CTB but I still wear sunscreen if I go outside, to avoid premature ageing. lol. It's just a habit I've always had. I'm also trying to lose weight.

 

[Soul]

If we keep fit at least we can rule out many physical bases for depression, anxiety, etc. I wouldn't want to go through months of depression due to a lack of zinc or something.

 

[Close_to_freedom]

"Only road left but the one that leads to the end."

 

[Flightlinek]

Absolutely. I've tried and failed--and had to live with the repercussions--so many times that I live every day as though I'll never be able to CTB. That way, when I do succeed, I simply disappear (which is exactly what I want). If I try and don't succeed, but I'm living as though I weren't going to CTB, then I don't have to dig myself out of an even bigger hole.

 

[agreement]

Deliberating sabotaging my health during my last actively suicidal period in order to undermine any recovery thoughts when the super suicidal bout was ended.
It ended six months ago and my strategy worked, having to lose 50 instead of 20 kg suppressed any diet , exercise or recovery thought.
Now just waiting to be suicidal again to make another attempt.

 

[dysfunctional]

Deliberating sabotaging my health during my last actively suicidal period in order to undermine any recovery thoughts when the super suicidal bout was ended.
It ended six months ago and my strategy worked, having to lose 50 instead of 20 kg suppressed any diet , exercise or recovery thought.
Now just waiting to be suicidal again to make another attempt.

That's dedication.

 

[Philosykos]

Same. I did the whole 'sit on the sofa with ice cream, binge Netflix and feel like shit' thing in the past but it made matters much worse for me personally. After turning that around again, I at the very least get some short moments of something akin to feeling happy or at least carefree. I find that physical health and healthy habits help with depression. Doesn't fix it completely, unfortunately.

Also: vanity. I've not been blessed genetically so looking the best version of me or at least reasonably taken care of, I don't have to deal with anxiety over others judging me.

 

[meerpasta]

Wanting to die does not mean you can't live healthily, especially if you're one to not choose the more slow and painful methods of CTB it makes sense you wouldn't want your time spent alive to be agonising either. It's hard to stay healthy while depressed but I also try to do what I can to avoid more suffering on top of what I already experience. Being alive pretty much means you're dying anyway, so I don't think making your passage through life easier means you're not suicidal.

 

[NorthernStar]

Damn. When I'm really depressed, I have a hard time finding the energy or motivation to take a shower or brush my teeth.

I am so sorry you're depressed but I found your post inspirational and motivating. I don't know why. I guess I just get into these mindsets that I can't do anything but sleep.

You have incredible discipline. I hope life gets better for you soon.

 

[WhatIsMyLife]

I'm exactly the same. Full night's sleep, get out of the house as often as possible, always eat at least somewhat well. I'm even doing university right now, which I'm putting in 100% effort, even though I'm planning on ctb a couple days after my last assignment is due. Aside from a couple people in my life, and SS, no one knows about me having severe depression, and anxiety.

 

[Irrelevant biologist]

My dr keeps saying to eat right and exercise and I will feel better. Thank you for proving that to be incorrect lol. :)

 

[favourite]

I take long walks, but during that time I'm daydreaming so hard that I find it hard to snap out of it and end up feeling worse than before.

 

[Angel79]

Damn. When I'm really depressed, I have a hard time finding the energy or motivation to take a shower or brush my teeth.

I am so sorry you're depressed but I found your post inspirational and motivating. I don't know why. I guess I just get into these mindsets that I can't do anything but sleep.

You have incredible discipline. I hope life gets better for you soon.

I am totally the same. Most days I literally move from my bed to my couch and then back again, in between I eat junk food, binge watch TV and try and avoid thinking about reality at all. With all the Corona going on at the moment I actually feel like I have a legitimate excuse for my lifestyle which makes me feel about 5% less guilty for being such a waste of space.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Thanks. It's not easy to do these things while depressed. Even when there are people around that think you are ok and treat you like shit. It's like it costs double. I can't tell them "treat me well because I'm depressed and I want to kill myself"...

 

[heraclitus]

"...
live hard die young
And have a good lookin corpse every time "

Tom Waits (Mr Seigal)

 

[TAW122]

I do maintain appearances and healthy habits during my interim time (up until I CTB) mainly because I don't want to raise anymore red flags. I live with family currently and since I share the same roof with them and see them everyday, I don't want to give any hints that I will be CTB'ing in the coming year or future. Even if I live away from home, if I live with anyone, I still have to be careful because I can't afford to jeopardize my plan to CTB as that is my ticket to peace and free from suffering in this world.

 

[itsamadworld]

Hi. I wonder if anyone here is in a same situation like me. My mind is not healthy, that's a fact. But I have healthy habits for my body. Don't drink alcohol, only water. I sleep 7-8 hours. I exercise everyday and eat healthy food. Lots of fruit and vegetables. It's like some part of me does not want to live. I don't know it's like there are two of me: the suicidal guy and the fitness guy. Both inside me. I often ask myself why I take care of my health so much If I want to kill myself. I'm severely depressed most during nights. Existencial crisiiss and I'm reading a lot about nihilism and pesimism.

sounds like me. I have been this way for 39 years F. But it's scary when you get older. It might be an OCD/perfectionist thing with me. I watched something yesterday on celebrity suicides (because that's what's available on youtube) , and i was engrosed looking at all the celebs of various ages that CTB'd with perfect bodies and faces. I am not a celebrity by any means, but have perfectionist tendancies. This can get very exhausting, because one can never live up, and it's difficult in the modern age to stay fit, yet one doesn't want to go to far either way.... This could be the reason why i strive to have a perfect fitness, and sometimes i am so sick of striving that I would rather be dying....

 

[MaisieWilliamsLover]

Actually you're not alone I'm the same way I am very serious about killing myself but yet I workout almost everyday I also don't like being pushed around by people so while being well-muscled doesn't necessarily mean you're a great fighter it tends to get people to not want to find out