Help Health getting worse

[spiraloutdeath]

i have had some serious side effects from medications last 2 years. My health is dealing badly and my body is difficult to move around. Docs have been useless. I can't bare to even see myself in the mirror.

Part of me still wants to live but i know i cannot live in this world like this. That is what is driving the desire.

So I need to go but part of me wants to stay alive but knows it cannot in this shell its like a catch 22 and its been like Groundhog Day every day reviewing these forums. I think i am waiting for myself to snap and just do it.

I want a fool proof way…. I feel like suspension and partial can still have the potential to be found. Drowning seems super painful but more finite… maybe the ocean.. but thats also scary as hell..

I dont want to go out with Meds for some reason….maybe i am scared of having duff meds and getting more damaged…

Any one feel similar catch 22

 

[M48 Patton]

I totally empathise though with the feeling of being stuck. I'm sorry

 

[mythofsisyphus]

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I'm in a very similar situation - dealing with chronic and devastating effects from medication that have completely destroyed my life. I completely relate to the feelings of being stuck. It's an unimaginable tortuous situation to be in - on one hand I love life, despite going through really tough times, I always saw the beauty in it, the potential for change and growth and joy. The feelings of loss over not being able to experience these things anymore due to something as stupid as a medication feels suffocating and leads me to a very hopeless place. But then I realise no matter how much has been taken away from me, there is still some tiny, miniscule things that remain, and knowing that death will take even these away from me leaves me feeling unsure and even more trapped. I find myself facing an unanswerable question - continue living facing the devastating grief and loss of what my life could and should have been, but recognise there are still things I can be grateful for (I can see, I can walk, I can still read etc.) or decide this is the end of the line for me and take away the pain and loss, but also these small things that I still have. Groundhog days sums it perfectly.

One thing I try to remind myself is that even if my health doesn't improve, how I perceive and relate to it might - but it's difficult when this is very unknown.

The only advice I have is to just breathe, one day at a time, you're doing your very best in such a hard situation, take time to figure things out.

I'm so sorry I can't make things better for you, but please know you are not alone in this situation.

 

[spiraloutdeath]

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I'm in a very similar situation - dealing with chronic and devastating effects from medication that have completely destroyed my life. I completely relate to the feelings of being stuck. It's an unimaginable tortuous situation to be in - on one hand I love life, despite going through really tough times, I always saw the beauty in it, the potential for change and growth and joy. The feelings of loss over not being able to experience these things anymore due to something as stupid as a medication feels suffocating and leads me to a very hopeless place. But then I realise no matter how much has been taken away from me, there is still some tiny, miniscule things that remain, and knowing that death will take even these away from me leaves me feeling unsure and even more trapped. I find myself facing an unanswerable question - continue living facing the devastating grief and loss of what my life could and should have been, but recognise there are still things I can be grateful for (I can see, I can walk, I can still read etc.) or decide this is the end of the line for me and take away the pain and loss, but also these small things that I still have. Groundhog days sums it perfectly.

One thing I try to remind myself is that even if my health doesn't improve, how I perceive and relate to it might - but it's difficult when this is very unknown.

The only advice I have is to just breathe, one day at a time, you're doing your very best in such a hard situation, take time to figure things out.

I'm so sorry I can't make things better for you, but please know you are not alone in this situation.

Wow - i really appreciate this reply it means a lot .i have been trying to focus on the little things but nothing seems to bring me joy. I desperately want my life before meds i know if i was healthy again id love life … i have had health conditions int he past but nothing has messed me up like the ones i have now some are no negotiable ones..

I just feel like sleeping forever and not having to wake up to the chore of being alive in this state.

 

[mythofsisyphus]

Wow - i really appreciate this reply it means a lot .i have been trying to focus on the little things but nothing seems to bring me joy. I desperately want my life before meds i know if i was healthy again id love life … i have had health conditions int he past but nothing has messed me up like the ones i have now some are no negotiable ones..

I just feel like sleeping forever and not having to wake up to the chore of being alive in this state.

I completely understand, it's so unfair and shows you how much you previously took for granted. It's so difficult to not let the feelings of loss consume you, I get it 100%.

Of course no worries if this is too personal of you'd prefer not to answer, but have you stopped taking the medication, is there any possibility for the side effects to improve over time?

 

[spiraloutdeath]

I did stop the meds… the course of steroids i took were too much for my body and i also had a course last year for another condition that would of resolved by itself.. no one told me the side effects.. but i have pain over my body.. extreme weight gain in strange areas and moon face developing.. body feels full of fluid.. muscle weakness … liver damage … hormonal changes loss of libido .. hearing issues .. ive been trying to eat well and recover but each day is a chore.. before meds i was active.. successful career… considered quite attractive.. free spirit….

My life has fallen to pieces and mentally i am really down too….

 

[mythofsisyphus]

I did stop the meds… the course of steroids i took were too much for my body and i also had a course last year for another condition that would of resolved by itself.. no one told me the side effects.. but i have pain over my body.. extreme weight gain in strange areas and moon face developing.. body feels full of fluid.. muscle weakness … liver damage … hormonal changes loss of libido .. hearing issues .. ive been trying to eat well and recover but each day is a chore.. before meds i was active.. successful career… considered quite attractive.. free spirit….

My life has fallen to pieces and mentally i am really down too….

That sounds so difficult, I'm so sorry. Incredibly similar to what I'm going through. I understand what you mean by life falling to pieces - it's crazy how much we take our health for granted in being able to do such simple things. I really hope there's a chance for things to pick up for you, it's all just so unfair and messed up, but here we are I guess.

I wish there was something I could say to make things feel better, but I'm with you, it's an awful situation. Always around if you need to vent or anything.