It's not the question if for me, but when, and as time goes by I get closer, and closer. 3 years ago, exactly on the day of my birtday, my 30th birthday I went to the forest, I go there quite often, I live in a small city, in a rural area, I have nature just outside of my windows, literaly not even a minute of a walk, even less, but I like to go farther, that takes around an hour. I already found a place, a place where I belong, and a place where I'll settle for good, which is a different place, from the one that I wrote about at the beginning.
It seems that I kept getting there, I'm almost there, I can almost see the finish line, and call my myself a winner, just one small step, to pull the trigger. Please do enjoy my visualization that I have created, to show you how I imagine it happening, but at the same time keep in mind, that the real gun that I own is almost as big in leght as the head itself.
3 years ago, I only managed to put it in place, and then I broke into tears, I shot once at the ground, and sat in the middle of nowhere, all alone crying for an hour, with a loaded gun on my laps.
Every couple months I keep going out with a gun, and more often without, I shoot, go back home, think, and the cycle repeats.
I wrote this part below in a Guns/firearms megathread, but I'm afraid that a chance of getting a reply there is of rather small probability, and I'm running out of time, I mean, I've been waiting for this moment for so long, feels like my entire life, but there's something that keeps me here among the living, and I can't see even one sane reason what it is, beside some unconscious evolutionary will to survival. Or it might be the fact that since ever, I was at rock bottom level, and I just simply got used to all that, and no matter what, it won't break me, it won't because it's the only thing I know, I must admit though, I used to be more motivated while being younger, I cut myself, but when it comes to CTB I have done more as an "adult", so that maybe evens it out.
/ This is the part from the other topic:
I have a black powder replica of Colt Navy .44 made by Pieta, and I wonder mainly if there is any comparison between the CTB, and loss of a consciousness? Couple years ago I OD'ed on what I got from my psychiatrist, by accident. I went to the rest room, did my thing, then "something bad is going to happen" Spider Man senses, and it did, I found myself on the other side of the room, with broken, and sprained ankle, which I didn't know at the time, because I felt so bad, I had to crawl back to my room. I have never felt so bad in my entire life, a terrible experience, and a feeling. I didn't vomit though, or anything, just sleep for hours. Leg pain wasn't that bad either, more of a disappointment, I expected such things to hurt more.
It happened so fast, I don't even know when it happened, because one moment I was just standing, and then I'm gone laying on the ground.
That's my question, is it at all comparable? Is there anything comparable with fast CBT that we as humans can already experience?
/ End.
I did search here, and elsewhere too, but it doesn't seem to be too common to aim at the forehead, there's always a chance I'll miss, but I think the round balls that the gun shoot, and their size should do the work, the overall damage to the tissue.
I think the abuse that I went through is blocking me, which is stupid, knowing that I might be out instantly, not even feel a thing. I watched countless videos, read materials, I do even have a medical education, and yet I'm still unsure, or maybe sure but in doubt of how will it go, or maybe not even in doubts, but who knows what do I feel. It seems to be the best option, a decision that was well though over, a thing that came to mind just after the abuse started, but there's more than that.
I just don't know, It's hard for me to imagine such thing, honestly speaking, I'm here, and then I'm gone, I'm not a believer.
It seems that I kept getting there, I'm almost there, I can almost see the finish line, and call my myself a winner, just one small step, to pull the trigger. Please do enjoy my visualization that I have created, to show you how I imagine it happening, but at the same time keep in mind, that the real gun that I own is almost as big in leght as the head itself.
3 years ago, I only managed to put it in place, and then I broke into tears, I shot once at the ground, and sat in the middle of nowhere, all alone crying for an hour, with a loaded gun on my laps.
Every couple months I keep going out with a gun, and more often without, I shoot, go back home, think, and the cycle repeats.
I wrote this part below in a Guns/firearms megathread, but I'm afraid that a chance of getting a reply there is of rather small probability, and I'm running out of time, I mean, I've been waiting for this moment for so long, feels like my entire life, but there's something that keeps me here among the living, and I can't see even one sane reason what it is, beside some unconscious evolutionary will to survival. Or it might be the fact that since ever, I was at rock bottom level, and I just simply got used to all that, and no matter what, it won't break me, it won't because it's the only thing I know, I must admit though, I used to be more motivated while being younger, I cut myself, but when it comes to CTB I have done more as an "adult", so that maybe evens it out.
/ This is the part from the other topic:
I have a black powder replica of Colt Navy .44 made by Pieta, and I wonder mainly if there is any comparison between the CTB, and loss of a consciousness? Couple years ago I OD'ed on what I got from my psychiatrist, by accident. I went to the rest room, did my thing, then "something bad is going to happen" Spider Man senses, and it did, I found myself on the other side of the room, with broken, and sprained ankle, which I didn't know at the time, because I felt so bad, I had to crawl back to my room. I have never felt so bad in my entire life, a terrible experience, and a feeling. I didn't vomit though, or anything, just sleep for hours. Leg pain wasn't that bad either, more of a disappointment, I expected such things to hurt more.
It happened so fast, I don't even know when it happened, because one moment I was just standing, and then I'm gone laying on the ground.
That's my question, is it at all comparable? Is there anything comparable with fast CBT that we as humans can already experience?
/ End.
I did search here, and elsewhere too, but it doesn't seem to be too common to aim at the forehead, there's always a chance I'll miss, but I think the round balls that the gun shoot, and their size should do the work, the overall damage to the tissue.
I think the abuse that I went through is blocking me, which is stupid, knowing that I might be out instantly, not even feel a thing. I watched countless videos, read materials, I do even have a medical education, and yet I'm still unsure, or maybe sure but in doubt of how will it go, or maybe not even in doubts, but who knows what do I feel. It seems to be the best option, a decision that was well though over, a thing that came to mind just after the abuse started, but there's more than that.
I just don't know, It's hard for me to imagine such thing, honestly speaking, I'm here, and then I'm gone, I'm not a believer.
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