_Vasa&Me_
Out of vigour for life
- Nov 27, 2025
- 25
I am writing this in my room after another mental breakdown and lots of crying, I guess under some hope that writing will calm me down and give me some clarity.
The more time goes on the more I realize how my mental health is tied to my father.
I remember having a terrifying and damaging experience with him as early as grade 2/3 where he got so extremely angry at me in the schools locker room (we were alone) about my dirty dress shoes (we had fancy school uniforms and I was playing outside in the mud during rain with friends) that scared me so much I started developing my first symptoms of what I believe is OCD, where I would constantly check my shoes from now on to make sure they were clean so that I will never see him in that state again.
As years went by nothing really got better regarding his behaviour towards me. You cannot say "no" to him, thats not a thing inside my family (or at least me saying no to him). You either do as he says, or you do as he says after he yells and screams and verbally abuses you with the nastiest words known to man, and thats if you get lucky that he wont grab your hair during all this too.
I remember when I was a teen it was extra hard because of puberty, hormones, and me wanting to have any kind of voice inside this family, so I would try to have anything go my way, which lead to even more screaming and anger towards me.
By now (I still live with him due to University) I have learned to always do what he says no matter how much I dislike it or how he has zero regards on timing (I could be doing homework, eating, brushing teeth, it doesn't matter, he takes priority no matter what).
Well I made a mistake today of talking back to him twice (after we apparently almost "crashed" as I was the driver and didn't stop quickly enough by his standards) and he let out all his anger he has been keeping inside of him about me for the last couple of weeks (mom has been begging him to act "nice", but more like "neutral" around me since he knows I am struggling with depression and other mental health issues) but that doesn't matter to him as evident by today.
He grabbed my hair, insulted me in so many ways (hideous hair because its "long" and not manly , I am a failure in University, I wake up very late, sleep very late like some loser without a future, other people are successful while all I do is sit in my room and inside the bathroom for hours (my only coping mechanism) wasting his money and so on)
I am 22 for crying out loud and I am absolutely terrified of him, there is not a single person I am more scared of. I even get anxious when he is around the doors to my room or bathroom, or when I hear his taint voice (I think he is always talking bad about me)
I think because of him I have such severe anxiety (fear of people) and OCD (not being allowed to have any sort of autonomy, even as much as saying no, thus I create rituals that I have control over).
I stay in the bathroom and do my ritualistic OCD routine that sometimes takes 2-3 hours because its the only place where I am actually "in control" (my room doesn't even have a lock, but the bathroom does) and where I have a tiny bit of freedom over myself but now after todays argument he isn't allowing me to go there anymore, so at this point I have nothing to keep me calm, under control, and sane…
He is extremely conservative, racist, homophobic, transphobic , "traditional" and one that expects me to be a "man" he has inside his vision. In comparison I am gay, have "long hair" (to him, its more medium length to normal ppl), have small "feminine" hands and feet, the shortest in the family (he is 5 10, brother is 6 2 or 6 3 feet, I am 5 9), very skinny and don't really have a lot of facial hair, and thats not mentioning my completely opposite political views to him, all of which disgusts him despite him not saying it (at least yet)
I don't see a good future for me moving forward, at his point its too late and I am too damaged beyond repair (agoraphobia, extreme social anxiety, general fear of people and always closing myself off because I don't know any better, severe OCD that is controlling my entire life (5+ hours, nowadays its so bad I started to sacrifice sleep and school to finish my "routines") that I just cant take it anymore.
I cant even express my real self or have any sort of relationship's that might help my mental state, because I am certain that once he finds out I am gay, he will beat me up severely or kick me out.
Theres no hope for me, at this point I am just waiting for my psychiatrist diagnosis so that I can use it to kill myself through a government assisted dying program that they plan to extend allowances to if you have a mental disorder by 2027.
Thank you to anyone who actually read any of this and sorry for such a long post, I have nowhere else to go to to speak my mind and let out these thoughts and feelings, I am really grateful for ya'll being here.
The more time goes on the more I realize how my mental health is tied to my father.
I remember having a terrifying and damaging experience with him as early as grade 2/3 where he got so extremely angry at me in the schools locker room (we were alone) about my dirty dress shoes (we had fancy school uniforms and I was playing outside in the mud during rain with friends) that scared me so much I started developing my first symptoms of what I believe is OCD, where I would constantly check my shoes from now on to make sure they were clean so that I will never see him in that state again.
As years went by nothing really got better regarding his behaviour towards me. You cannot say "no" to him, thats not a thing inside my family (or at least me saying no to him). You either do as he says, or you do as he says after he yells and screams and verbally abuses you with the nastiest words known to man, and thats if you get lucky that he wont grab your hair during all this too.
I remember when I was a teen it was extra hard because of puberty, hormones, and me wanting to have any kind of voice inside this family, so I would try to have anything go my way, which lead to even more screaming and anger towards me.
By now (I still live with him due to University) I have learned to always do what he says no matter how much I dislike it or how he has zero regards on timing (I could be doing homework, eating, brushing teeth, it doesn't matter, he takes priority no matter what).
Well I made a mistake today of talking back to him twice (after we apparently almost "crashed" as I was the driver and didn't stop quickly enough by his standards) and he let out all his anger he has been keeping inside of him about me for the last couple of weeks (mom has been begging him to act "nice", but more like "neutral" around me since he knows I am struggling with depression and other mental health issues) but that doesn't matter to him as evident by today.
He grabbed my hair, insulted me in so many ways (hideous hair because its "long" and not manly , I am a failure in University, I wake up very late, sleep very late like some loser without a future, other people are successful while all I do is sit in my room and inside the bathroom for hours (my only coping mechanism) wasting his money and so on)
I am 22 for crying out loud and I am absolutely terrified of him, there is not a single person I am more scared of. I even get anxious when he is around the doors to my room or bathroom, or when I hear his taint voice (I think he is always talking bad about me)
I think because of him I have such severe anxiety (fear of people) and OCD (not being allowed to have any sort of autonomy, even as much as saying no, thus I create rituals that I have control over).
I stay in the bathroom and do my ritualistic OCD routine that sometimes takes 2-3 hours because its the only place where I am actually "in control" (my room doesn't even have a lock, but the bathroom does) and where I have a tiny bit of freedom over myself but now after todays argument he isn't allowing me to go there anymore, so at this point I have nothing to keep me calm, under control, and sane…
He is extremely conservative, racist, homophobic, transphobic , "traditional" and one that expects me to be a "man" he has inside his vision. In comparison I am gay, have "long hair" (to him, its more medium length to normal ppl), have small "feminine" hands and feet, the shortest in the family (he is 5 10, brother is 6 2 or 6 3 feet, I am 5 9), very skinny and don't really have a lot of facial hair, and thats not mentioning my completely opposite political views to him, all of which disgusts him despite him not saying it (at least yet)
I don't see a good future for me moving forward, at his point its too late and I am too damaged beyond repair (agoraphobia, extreme social anxiety, general fear of people and always closing myself off because I don't know any better, severe OCD that is controlling my entire life (5+ hours, nowadays its so bad I started to sacrifice sleep and school to finish my "routines") that I just cant take it anymore.
I cant even express my real self or have any sort of relationship's that might help my mental state, because I am certain that once he finds out I am gay, he will beat me up severely or kick me out.
Theres no hope for me, at this point I am just waiting for my psychiatrist diagnosis so that I can use it to kill myself through a government assisted dying program that they plan to extend allowances to if you have a mental disorder by 2027.
Thank you to anyone who actually read any of this and sorry for such a long post, I have nowhere else to go to to speak my mind and let out these thoughts and feelings, I am really grateful for ya'll being here.
Last edited:
