He doesn’t get it

[Roseate]

He doesn't get how every little argument is pushing me further away, I am no longer waiting for the build up to SH, I am feeling more tired and exhausted, closer to the end. And all i asked is to stop arguing but every damn thing is a fucking argument like omfg always friends one day and enemies the next. I am trying to hold to my sanity but with everything going on in my life, I honestly just want to die before my birthday. Before the year ends. It feels like everyone is trying to break me down, break my will. I have no one. No true/real friend. Never had any friend that genuinely cared. I've tried and I've lost more this year than any other year. And I'm so depressed, I can't even be bothered to see my therapist anymore. And usually this time of year is always tough on me, and usually around this time is when I usually attempts. And I just feel exhausted. I want to drink the pain away because I am so hurt. And I blame myself and idk what to do because my will to live is genuinely gone. I can't find it in me. Even the daydreams aren't exciting to me anymore. And he keeps pushing me. He keeps pushing me closer because he is so mean, so cruel. So cold. And it's triggering me and traumatizing me. I wish I never met him because he is the biggest mistake of my life. And I regret it because maybe my life would be different? Without the meaningless argument? I could've kept my other friend who actually served a purpose and actually was a good distraction but he ruined that too. And now all I want is to get drunk because that's the only thing that helps me feel better lately.

 

[Extreme Hell]

Honey I get you.
Please be safe. I love you.
I know what you're saying because that's somewhat what happens to me too in the last minutes, that's why I came here again and I read what you wrote like it was myself saying them.
Please hold on idk what to say I'm just so so sorry

 

[Ε. Η. R.]

You don't need "friends" who hurt you and don't care about you.
Sending you hugs.

 

[Roseate]

Honey I get you.
Please be safe. I love you.
I know what you're saying because that's somewhat what happens to me too in the last minutes, that's why I came here again and I read what you wrote like it was myself saying them.
Please hold on idk what to say I'm just so so sorry

Right all he wants to do is play games. And whenever I try to put myself first, I'm a problem then I'm being gaslighted. And idk what to believe anymore. It's so exhausting. Why are people so cruel?

You don't need "friends" who hurt you and don't care about you.
Sending you hugs.

I know but the constant games gets to me. I almost always believe them even when I don't. And it wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't so complicated and everytime I try to be better, he stands in the way. I can't want better for myself. I can't be better for myself. It feels like someone is always trying to sabotage me.

 

[carin129]

He doesn't get how every little argument is pushing me further away, I am no longer waiting for the build up to SH, I am feeling more tired and exhausted, closer to the end. And all i asked is to stop arguing but every damn thing is a fucking argument like omfg always friends one day and enemies the next. I am trying to hold to my sanity but with everything going on in my life, I honestly just want to die before my birthday. Before the year ends. It feels like everyone is trying to break me down, break my will. I have no one. No true/real friend. Never had any friend that genuinely cared. I've tried and I've lost more this year than any other year. And I'm so depressed, I can't even be bothered to see my therapist anymore. And usually this time of year is always tough on me, and usually around this time is when I usually attempts. And I just feel exhausted. I want to drink the pain away because I am so hurt. And I blame myself and idk what to do because my will to live is genuinely gone. I can't find it in me. Even the daydreams aren't exciting to me anymore. And he keeps pushing me. He keeps pushing me closer because he is so mean, so cruel. So cold. And it's triggering me and traumatizing me. I wish I never met him because he is the biggest mistake of my life. And I regret it because maybe my life would be different? Without the meaningless argument? I could've kept my other friend who actually served a purpose and actually was a good distraction but he ruined that too. And now all I want is to get drunk because that's the only thing that helps me feel better lately.

I could say this exact thing about my wife. And instead of getting drunk I stay high.

 

[Roseate]

I could say this exact thing about my wife. And instead of getting drunk I stay high.

I prefer alcohol over drugs. No addictions here. And it's once in a while thing. Not an everyday thing. But yeah, it's unfortunate because at some point, it's purposeful. Like some people thrive on not feeling and it's crazy to me because I feel too much all the time, and it's something I can't control and I don't see it as a good thing not to feel. They act like they're so much better because they're chill and having high standard is a problem even though trauma is the cause of it. This world is so selfish and they feel no shame ever. It's all about using people, hurting people yet forcing them to live. And I'm so sick of it. It must actually suck to marry someone like that because your partner is supposed to get it. Supposed to be there.

 

[carin129]

Yep. I rescued her. But she can't do the same for me.
It doesn't matter. I came into this world on my own terms. I'm going to leave it that way.
Fuck everything. Fuck God. Fuck my wife. Fuck evry person who pretended to care to buy them some time. Oh... She's still here. Let's push her over the edge. Fuck that. I'm going out calm, cool and collected. I just have to flip the gun off safety and pull the trigger. Hopefully today.

 

[Roseate]

Yep. I rescued her. But she can't do the same for me.
It doesn't matter. I came into this world on my own terms. I'm going to leave it that way.
Fuck everything. Fuck God. Fuck my wife. Fuck evry person who pretended to care to buy them some time. Oh... She's still here. Let's push her over the edge. Fuck that. I'm going out calm, cool and collected. I just have to flip the gun off safety and pull the trigger. Hopefully today.

And that's something I learned when I was barely a teen, you can't expect anyone to rescue you. And helping someone doesn't guarantee they will help you. And people don't remember the good things you do for them, they try to villainize you without accepting their parts because they are so afraid of their own fucking feelings. I'm sorry you're going through that. And push her over the edge how?