knry
New Member
- Jul 16, 2024
- 1
for the majority of my life, and especially a few years ago, i had practically nothing to live for. i had no aspirations, no real friends (or ones i really cared about), my family was absolute shit and i was constantly isolated just consuming slop on the internet. id slice my legs yet i didn't really have the urge to die, it was just a few years of melancholic, head-empty bliss that passed by. i didnt want anything, not to live nor to die and just existed doing nothing
things slowly began changing and i managed to become mesmerized by art (i had experience but hadnt taken it this seriously before), improving quickly and making connections, contributing pieces to various projects, becoming passionate about something. i realized things could actually have an effect on me, and that if i tried, things could actually improve.
i started to want to improve in everything; i wanted to start exercising, maybe learn an instrument, take my studies more seriously, because i knew i had the potential and resources for all of it. i made genuine friends that i trusted and tried to not make the same mistakes i made in the past with other friends, i tried to change and for the most part it was successful, and ive been slowly getting over past traumas or trust issues thatd shackled me for so long
and yet never before have i felt so fucking ill, never before have i wanted so badly to kill myself, never before have i ever wanted to bash my head in a wall so badly on an hourly basis. its like im spiraling back to where i was before, but now that ive had a taste of what it feels like to live i feel how much i want to die thousandfold .
i realize the drastic difference between how i view others and how they view me, and how much i wonder about them only to realize that they dont wonder of me, because when i look at them now they only spare me a glance, rather than a conversation like the usual.
i realize that despite everything, everything we've ever been is easily swept away in an instant by a sudden loss of interest, or some sort of mutual cowardice. and a part of me wants to say, "well fuck them, lets just focus on ourself and keep improving!" but god how can you just stab yourself so deeply into my life and our aspirations for the future and then act like im a stranger when im standing right in front of you. before it was just one person and id be fine with it because it was just the way they were, but now its as if several of the most important people in my life just want to throw me away, and they seem much happier doing so.
and whats worse is how much i hope for the future only for the present to continuously punch me in the gut over and over and over again, and for months ive been telling myself "trying is better than just giving up, and youve given up countless times before to know it does no good." but everytime i try it just makes me want to suffocate.
in my head its one voice going "i want to die, i want to stab myself, i want to stop playing this character, i want my family to leave me alone, i want my friends to look at me, i want to stop thinking and just explode and bleed to death in my bathtub" and another voice going "you cant just fucking die? you need to improve, you need to try, you need to become a pro at something, you need to pursue this career, you need to become a happier person, you need to become god. if you cant do that then get rid of all distractions and isolate again, rid yourself of everything that could make you happy because it worked before."
and so every single minute of my life right now has just been: i need to die i need to become god i need to cut i need to improve i need attention i need to isolate and i wish i never learned how to live or to want anything so i could just die in peace. im so fucking sick of living on this shitty fucking seesaw of hope and suffering.
things slowly began changing and i managed to become mesmerized by art (i had experience but hadnt taken it this seriously before), improving quickly and making connections, contributing pieces to various projects, becoming passionate about something. i realized things could actually have an effect on me, and that if i tried, things could actually improve.
i started to want to improve in everything; i wanted to start exercising, maybe learn an instrument, take my studies more seriously, because i knew i had the potential and resources for all of it. i made genuine friends that i trusted and tried to not make the same mistakes i made in the past with other friends, i tried to change and for the most part it was successful, and ive been slowly getting over past traumas or trust issues thatd shackled me for so long
and yet never before have i felt so fucking ill, never before have i wanted so badly to kill myself, never before have i ever wanted to bash my head in a wall so badly on an hourly basis. its like im spiraling back to where i was before, but now that ive had a taste of what it feels like to live i feel how much i want to die thousandfold .
i realize the drastic difference between how i view others and how they view me, and how much i wonder about them only to realize that they dont wonder of me, because when i look at them now they only spare me a glance, rather than a conversation like the usual.
i realize that despite everything, everything we've ever been is easily swept away in an instant by a sudden loss of interest, or some sort of mutual cowardice. and a part of me wants to say, "well fuck them, lets just focus on ourself and keep improving!" but god how can you just stab yourself so deeply into my life and our aspirations for the future and then act like im a stranger when im standing right in front of you. before it was just one person and id be fine with it because it was just the way they were, but now its as if several of the most important people in my life just want to throw me away, and they seem much happier doing so.
and whats worse is how much i hope for the future only for the present to continuously punch me in the gut over and over and over again, and for months ive been telling myself "trying is better than just giving up, and youve given up countless times before to know it does no good." but everytime i try it just makes me want to suffocate.
in my head its one voice going "i want to die, i want to stab myself, i want to stop playing this character, i want my family to leave me alone, i want my friends to look at me, i want to stop thinking and just explode and bleed to death in my bathtub" and another voice going "you cant just fucking die? you need to improve, you need to try, you need to become a pro at something, you need to pursue this career, you need to become a happier person, you need to become god. if you cant do that then get rid of all distractions and isolate again, rid yourself of everything that could make you happy because it worked before."
and so every single minute of my life right now has just been: i need to die i need to become god i need to cut i need to improve i need attention i need to isolate and i wish i never learned how to live or to want anything so i could just die in peace. im so fucking sick of living on this shitty fucking seesaw of hope and suffering.