Venting Having previously succeeded in life, makes my current state just that more unbearable.

[CravingPeace]

I got back from an AA meeting an hour ago and honestly it just makes me feel worse about my situation. I'm 6 months sober, but I lost so much in my drunken stupor that I will never be able to get back. And even though I've gone thru plenty of trauma, it was ultimately my choice to start binge drinking and ruin my life. I was the one that pushed away virtually all friends and family and my entire career network, I was the one who got ushered out due to my mania as a PhD research assistant at my state's largest university, I was the one who spent money erratically and got myself into the financial ruin I'm in. It truly isn't anyone else's fault - it is mine.

Now that I'm sober all I can do is look back at the scorched earth, knowing that I can never get back to "how it was", because I've developed numerous mental illnesses and truthfully, I wouldn't let me back into my life if I was them. I got a taste of the good life and I guess my soul was so used to the chaos of the past, so I decided to go back to it.

Truly knowing how good life can be, having experienced it, and then knowing it will never be attainable again absolutely destroys me. It makes any current efforts feel useless, because I know that I don't have the mental or physical capacity now, to succeed like I once did.

I ruined my whole life. I want out of here so badly.

 

[ForeverCaHa]

Although our stories are very different, the "scorched earth" comment really speaks to me. Knowing how good it could have been, and then never being able to get it back... It's overwhelmingly distressing

 

[CravingPeace]

Although our stories are very different, the "scorched earth" comment really speaks to me. Knowing how good it could have been, and then never being able to get it back... It's overwhelmingly distressing

Right? People say "just make the best of what you have", but we now have personal knowledge, real experience, of the good life, and anything we do now wont be able to compare to that. It's like an uphill trek to a destination that no longer exists.

 

[deadbidaylight]

Congratulations on being 6 months sober. That is one hell of an accomplishment. I hope that you are proud of yourself for at least that? It's a big deal. Alcoholism is an awful disease and so hard to beat. You're tougher than you think. I'm proud of you.

You say that you now have mental health issues etc that is preventing you from being successful like you were. Is that actually a thing, or something that you're telling yourself? It's never too late to rebuild. When you hit rock bottom the only way is up.

You don't necessarily have to be as successful as you once were in order to be successful. Any small step is a success. Another day sober is a success. Your happiness is what matters the most, not financial or material gains. You're seeing things clearly for (I'm assuming) the first time in a long time. It looks like ash, but you can rise from it. It takes some effort, but I think it could really be worth it.

I won't preach anymore, but you seem like a smart person with a head on their shoulders. There is always hope. I see hope for you. I'm rooting for ya

 

[Michi_Violeta]

Although our stories are very different, the "scorched earth" comment really speaks to me. Knowing how good it could have been, and then never being able to get it back... It's overwhelmingly distressing

Yup, scorched earth, knowing paradise exists because you were there once but you lost it for some reason. And some of us are now too tired to fight our way back because we know how much it cost getting there and to think we have to do it again, all broken, with all these scars, after having lost what we had...

 

[CravingPeace]

Congratulations on being 6 months sober. That is one hell of an accomplishment. I hope that you are proud of yourself for at least that? It's a big deal. Alcoholism is an awful disease and so hard to beat. You're tougher than you think. I'm proud of you.

You say that you now have mental health issues etc that is preventing you from being successful like you were. Is that actually a thing, or something that you're telling yourself? It's never too late to rebuild. When you hit rock bottom the only way is up.

You don't necessarily have to be as successful as you once were in order to be successful. Any small step is a success. Another day sober is a success. Your happiness is what matters the most, not financial or material gains. You're seeing things clearly for (I'm assuming) the first time in a long time. It looks like ash, but you can rise from it. It takes some effort, but I think it could really be worth it.

I won't preach anymore, but you seem like a smart person with a head on their shoulders. There is always hope. I see hope for you. I'm rooting for ya

You're so kind. I definitely do have new mental health problems that I didn't before - namely bouts of mania (not diagnosed as bipolar), crippling panic attacks and debilitating depression.

The hard part is KNOWING what I lost by my own hand. I lost my sanity, my stability, my trajectory, and I can't get it back. Even if I did chart a new path, I'm wired to always feel shame for what could've been but wasn't. It's unbearable, really.

 

[ForeverCaHa]

Yup, scorched earth, knowing paradise exists because you were there once but you lost it for some reason. And some of us are now too tired to fight our way back because we know how much it cost getting there and to think we have to do it again, all broken, with all this scars, after having lost what we had...

Tired is the word. In my note I'm talking more about sadness, but, in reality, I'm just exhausted

 

[CravingPeace]

Yup, scorched earth, knowing paradise exists because you were there once but you lost it for some reason. And some of us are now too tired to fight our way back because we know how much it cost getting there and to think we have to do it again, all broken, with all this scars, after having lost what we had...

You said all the words I didn't know how to say. Thanks for this.

 

[deadbidaylight]

You're so kind. I definitely do have new mental health problems that I didn't before - namely bouts of mania (not diagnosed as bipolar), crippling panic attacks and debilitating depression.

The hard part is KNOWING what I lost by my own hand. I lost my sanity, my stability, my trajectory, and I can't get it back. Even if I did chart a new path, I'm wired to always feel shame for what could've been but wasn't. It's unbearable, really.

I understand. The what ifs and could've beens are a hard pill to swallow. We are our own worst enemies. I'm sorry that you are going through this. Just know you're in good company, and you aren't alone in feeling that way.

It's hard to come across properly in text, but I am saying this to you from a level playing field. My life is far from perfect, and I've fucked it up royally many times. If my life was perfect, I don't think I'd be on this forum right now. So when I say you're in good company, that means me too.

 

[astr4]

your story really resonates with me. sometimes i think about vanishing and making a new existence in a different country, leave all that scorched earth behind. if no one knows me then i can leave my shame behind. i just wish i could be young and impressive again.

 

[CravingPeace]

your story really resonates with me. sometimes i think about vanishing and making a new existence in a different country, leave all that scorched earth behind. if no one knows me then i can leave my shame behind. i just wish i could be young and impressive again.

Even if I did this, >I< would still know of all of my mistakes, my losses, my grief. I wish I could just delete all the memories, be naive and clueless to what once was.

 

[2minutes2ctb]

Truly knowing how good life can be, having experienced it, and then knowing it will never be attainable again absolutely destroys me. It makes any current efforts feel useless, because I know that I don't have the mental or physical capacity now, to succeed like I once did.

I ruined my whole life. I want out of here so badly.

Spot on. I feel exactly the same. 35 years of life for this outcome, no thanks. It took me 3 months to destroy the life I was aiming for, and hurting people by the same occasions. Guilt, shame and regrets are haunting me, day and night. I wish there was an easy way out.

 

[escape_from_hell]

I relate strongly to never being able to get back to the only version of life that was worth living. I too destroyed my life for no good reason.

People can understand the shame of alcoholism and you've made it half a year already--that shows some kind of determination I think. Definitely a bigger accomplishment than anything I've done in years. Congratulation for that, hopefully it's brought at least some improvement.