Having Patience is mandatory but so dreadful...

[Livingvsdying25]

(Not sure if this is the right section as I am talking about recovery as well)


All my life I've had to be patient.

Waiting and fighting to get away from abuse. Patience...

Anyway, it's a big issue for me now. This want/need to die isn't new. It built up and continues to.

I want relief as soon as I can. I hate that I have to have the patience for this.

Any plan now living or dying is going to take time.


I think my move is going to be pushed back I'm almost sure of it... ugh... It's barely what I was waiting on but is pretty important in all of this.

Here's the layout:

Death: 3-month plan to research/gain research and get materials (looking for a job as more money will be needed)

Life: at this point, I'm very open to ECT or the like. I have nothing to lose. I need something "drastic" I've tried a variety of meds so... it's something that I've discussed over the years as well... it's free here. Can be done, inpatient or outpatient.

In the meantime hoping to get shrooms. I need something to get me out of this "funk" to pick me up a little (a lot) and I'm not interested in trying any more pharmaceutical medications.

I wouldn't mind trying ketamine as well if I could qualify. I have a feeling only so much is covered and ill again need more $$$


Those are just some options in regards to life. Sometimes medical intervention is necessary and recognizes that.


Just lack the motivation...

If I'm gonna be stuck here tho forced to live these dreary days out until whenever then...

I might as well try some shit before I exit.


I bate this. every dayy is so painful. I want to die tomorrow if I could. I know I cannot do it with the methods currently available.


Ugh, I'm really sad but kinda expected this with the move. Maybe it might be good for me to be here for a bit but... I am dunno. I want to try ECT.

Everything just takes so much time!!! I'm tired of suffering. The effort I put in wasn't at the right time or place and now I need to gather ul the energy again...

Feels like an endless cycle :( I've always said that I can see myself living, I just don't want to and it's true.

Regardless tho... I guess I am in this for a long run.

(Im going to talk to the director and stuff. The news was just released today. Maybe it wont have any effect... Im doubting that very much though.

Part of me is a little glad to at least not be alone. I hate it here but I feel like ive worked the stuff I hate as much as I can. Im tired now. Sometimes i just want a shoulder to cry on.

Knowing I'll be alone when I move does make me want to cherish some of what I have here.

 

[deadspirit]

I know the feeling, it blows. Everything takes time, whether CTB or recovery. I can't stand that feeling of wanting death instantly but having to be patient and wait for money or materials. You seem like you're interested in recovery though so good luck with that, hopefully things start looking better for ya!