Venting Having no social skills is like living life on hard mode

[ijustwishtodie]

I said what I said and I stick to it. Of course, before I start my mini rant (or long rant, who knows as I'm just gonna blurt out whatever is on my mind), I better clarify that this isn't the only thing that makes your life in hard mode but I do consider it as *one* of the factors that makes life harder relative to a human who can socialise.

For one, socialising is required to make friends and friendship, while not mandatory, is super beneficial to have. Well, true friendship anyway, I know that you can get back stabbed by fake friends which is also shitty in its own regard. But not being able to make friends in the first place.. I wonder how I'm still alive. I think that people won't ever realise the insane advantageous magnitude of having friends to rely on until they experience complete cessation of that. It's undeniable that I live life in hard mode because of my lack of friendships as I can't ask friends for help for university work (thankfully I can ask lecturers though), I can't rely on someone during my worst moments, I can't spend time with anybody irl etc etc. It sucks so badly and I wish I could cry over this but I'm too numb to cry.

Secondly, the entire job market is and any person getting a job is *contingent* on socialising, massively so. People would prefer someone who can socialise better over someone who has more technical skills for the job (to an extent but that extent is massive). Additionally, working your way "up the ladder" so to speak and gaining promotions is also contingent on your social skills and being able to negotiate with people and networking too. So if you don't have social skills to do any of this.. the rest is self explanatory

Thirdly, social skills doesn't only help you make friends but it could also help you find a potential loving and caring partner. Not saying that having a caring and loving partner is everything but two people working together is far easier than one. This isn't even something that bothers me too much as I don't really crave a partner but I mentioned this as I do feel like this contributes to the idea of social skills making your life on hard mode especially if you are someone who does want a loving partner.

Fourthly, this isn't a sub-topic of its own but people have discussed the effects of loneliness and I've even seen it getting compared to smoking two packs a day. Point is, whether it's accurate or not, loneliness.. is.. awful

That's it really. There are probably other ways that social ineptitude causes one to live life in hard mode but that's all I could think of

 

[edu0z]

I said what I said and I stick to it. Of course, before I start my mini rant (or long rant, who knows as I'm just gonna blurt out whatever is on my mind), I better clarify that this isn't the only thing that makes your life in hard mode but I do consider it as *one* of the factors that makes life harder relative to a human who can socialise.

For one, socialising is required to make friends and friendship, while not mandatory, is super beneficial to have. Well, true friendship anyway, I know that you can get back stabbed by fake friends which is also shitty in its own regard. But not being able to make friends in the first place.. I wonder how I'm still alive. I think that people won't ever realise the insane advantageous magnitude of having friends to rely on until they experience complete cessation of that. It's undeniable that I live life in hard mode because of my lack of friendships as I can't ask friends for help for university work (thankfully I can ask lecturers though), I can't rely on someone during my worst moments, I can't spend time with anybody irl etc etc. It sucks so badly and I wish I could cry over this but I'm too numb to cry.

Secondly, the entire job market is and any person getting a job is *contingent* on socialising, massively so. People would prefer someone who can socialise better over someone who has more technical skills for the job (to an extent but that extent is massive). Additionally, working your way "up the ladder" so to speak and gaining promotions is also contingent on your social skills and being able to negotiate with people and networking too. So if you don't have social skills to do any of this.. the rest is self explanatory

Thirdly, social skills doesn't only help you make friends but it could also help you find a potential loving and caring partner. Not saying that having a caring and loving partner is everything but two people working together is far easier than one. This isn't even something that bothers me too much as I don't really crave a partner but I mentioned this as I do feel like this contributes to the idea of social skills making your life on hard mode especially if you are someone who does want a loving partner.

Fourthly, this isn't a sub-topic of its own but people have discussed the effects of loneliness and I've even seen it getting compared to smoking two packs a day. Point is, whether it's accurate or not, loneliness.. is.. awful

That's it really. There are probably other ways that social ineptitude causes one to live life in hard mode but that's all I could think of

I don't want to downplay what you say... I know that you must have had an incredibly bad time and that you must be having a very bad time because of what you say.

I just want to share my experience.

I grew up as someone completely isolated, with no skills to socialize or create an emotional connection with anyone. But, in my experience, this is as you say: "a skill", that you can develop. Nobody is born with it, the people who are more sociable are because of the experiences they have had in childhood that lead them to it. And in my adolescence I began to "lose my fear", let's put it that way, to socialize. I began to subject myself to shame in public, forcing myself to talk to strangers. Over time you realize that it's nothing special, and that other people are as scared (even more) than you by making a fool of herself.

I don't know anyone with autism. But I just wanted to share that I was in that situation and my social life was the #1 problem for me at that time to want to commit suicide. I thought I was just unlucky or not "blessed" and I envied others for things as banal as having friends to go out with or having lost his virginity, sometimes I even felt like I wouldn't even be able to leave my house because to the fear I had.

Nowadays I feel quite socially capable and everyone considers me an extrovert and looking back at that time I realize that I was being very naive for idealizing social skills so much and seeing them as the holy grail.

PS: I also wanted to add that having incredible social skills does not prevent loneliness... I would say that sometimes it is the opposite... in recent years when I have felt most alone is when I have been most surrounded by people.

As I already said in another post. Maybe my brain has been accustomed to the idea of suicide for so long that no matter how well my life goes, I will always want to do it.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I grew up as someone completely isolated, with no skills to socialize or create an emotional connection with anyone. But, in my experience, this is as you say: "a skill", that you can develop. Nobody is born with it, the people who are more sociable are because of the experiences they have had in childhood that lead them to it. And in my adolescence I began to "lose my fear", let's put it that way, to socialize. I began to subject myself to shame in public, forcing myself to talk to strangers. Over time you realize that it's nothing special, and that other people are as scared (even more) than you by making a fool of herself.

I know about this and I don't deny any of it; I was just venting. I did plan to ask in the recovery forum on how I can develop these skills but I got a feeling that I'll just get the same answers that I already know of.. to keep on trying and failing and repeat this process until you get better during socialising. Because, in this world, I'm convinced that's all you can do to develop these skills. Also, with regards to people not being born into social skills, I do believe that as I don't think any knowledge is obtained without experience but I also believe that neurotypical do get to understand social skills by just passively socialising with others in school but it's different for neurodivergent people as it takes a lot more

I don't know anyone with autism. But I just wanted to share that I was in that situation and my social life was the #1 problem for me at that time to want to commit suicide. I thought I was just unlucky or not "blessed" and I envied others for things as banal as having friends to go out with or having lost his virginity, sometimes I even felt like I wouldn't even be able to leave my house because to the fear I had.

Thanks for your story, I genuinely mean it. It'd honestly make for good material in the recovery forum here

Nowadays I feel quite socially capable and everyone considers me an extrovert and looking back at that time I realize that I was being very naive for idealizing social skills so much and seeing them as the holy grail.

I was going to say "I understand" but do I really? I don't think I'll ever understand until I come out of the other end (i.e. I gain social skills and make friends)

PS: I also wanted to add that having incredible social skills does not prevent loneliness... I would say that sometimes it is the opposite... in recent years when I have felt most alone is when I have been most surrounded by people.

Oh, absolutely, I agree. What I noticed within society is that, whenever I looked for stories regarding loneliness, it was the "lonely despite being with people" loneliness as opposed to the "lonely due to having nobody" loneliness. Both are valid but, in the former, I noticed that these people do have incredible social skills, or at least incredible relative to mine. I appreciate you adding this nuance to this as I completely forgot about this

As I already said in another post. Maybe my brain has been accustomed to the idea of suicide for so long that no matter how well my life goes, I will always want to do it.

That's completely valid. If our only problems and issues in life were poor social skills, I bet that this site would decrease tenfold, maybe even more. I think that I'd always be suicidal even if I obtain friends and good social skills as there are other issues in life, some of which are inherent to humanity's system of operating and cannot be changed easily by those without power. Maybe I'd feel less shitty if I gain social skills and all but then I assume my problems would just manifest in different ways as, like you showed earlier, it's possible to be lonely despite being with people. It's also possible to get back stabbed by people which people have stated is worse than loneliness itself. All experiences are subjective though

Life all around is shitty

 

[edu0z]

I know about this and I don't deny any of it; I was just venting. I did plan to ask in the recovery forum on how I can develop these skills but I got a feeling that I'll just get the same answers that I already know of.. to keep on trying and failing and repeat this process until you get better during socialising. Because, in this world, I'm convinced that's all you can do to develop these skills. Also, with regards to people not being born into social skills, I do believe that as I don't think any knowledge is obtained without experience but I also believe that neurotypical do get to understand social skills by just passively socialising with others in school but it's different for neurodivergent people as it takes a lot more

Thanks for your story, I genuinely mean it. It'd honestly make for good material in the recovery forum here

I was going to say "I understand" but do I really? I don't think I'll ever understand until I come out of the other end (i.e. I gain social skills and make friends)

Oh, absolutely, I agree. What I noticed within society is that, whenever I looked for stories regarding loneliness, it was the "lonely despite being with people" loneliness as opposed to the "lonely due to having nobody" loneliness. Both are valid but, in the former, I noticed that these people do have incredible social skills, or at least incredible relative to mine. I appreciate you adding this nuance to this as I completely forgot about this

That's completely valid. If our only problems and issues in life were poor social skills, I bet that this site would decrease tenfold, maybe even more. I think that I'd always be suicidal even if I obtain friends and good social skills as there are other issues in life, some of which are inherent to humanity's system of operating and cannot be changed easily by those without power. Maybe I'd feel less shitty if I gain social skills and all but then I assume my problems would just manifest in different ways as, like you showed earlier, it's possible to be lonely despite being with people. It's also possible to get back stabbed by people which people have stated is worse than loneliness itself. All experiences are subjective though

Life all around is shitty

Maybe my answer was a little disappointing... I'm sorry, my mood has been a little shit these last few days... One thing that helped me a lot was that growing up without friends or anyone to spend time with, I developed a great appreciation for literature and science, especially for psychology (I don't know why, but since I was little I always wanted to understand myself). At 15-16 years old I began to be interested in social psychology and that was the trigger that convinced me that I could also develop those skills and gave me hope to try it.

I remember that the first book on this topic to catch my attention was "Emotional Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman. I was hooked from the beginning when he explain the evolution of the brain, it seemed like a very scientific book(although today it seems more like a self-help book to me xd), and I highly recommend it.

You seem like an intelligent, dedicated person. If you are really determined to improve in that area, I think that seeking knowledge about the behavior of human beings, whether in groups or individual reactions, and what causes those reactions... can help you shed a little light on that world that once so far away and at the same time dissipate the fear a little as id did with me.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Maybe my answer was a little disappointing... I'm sorry, my mood has been a little shit these last few days...

Oh, no, please, you don't have to apologise. I really liked your answer and, even if I didn't, then that's okay too as I've learnt that it's impossible to like everything (this is something that everybody learns tbh)

One thing that helped me a lot was that growing up without friends or anyone to spend time with, I developed a great appreciation for literature and science, especially for psychology (I don't know why, but since I was little I always wanted to understand myself). At 15-16 years old I began to be interested in social psychology and that was the trigger that convinced me that I could also develop those skills and gave me hope to try it.

I see. I wish I could go down that path too but me being alone just followed a positive feedback cycle (the term positive here is ironic) where my loneliness made me more shitty and depressed which reduced my chances for friendship which made me depressed and so on. I wish I could be interested in social psychology but I'm not interested in anything at all

I remember that the first book on this topic to catch my attention was "Emotional Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman. I was hooked from the beginning when he explain the evolution of the brain, it seemed like a very scientific book(although today it seems more like a self-help book to me xd), and I highly recommend it.

Oh wow, that's interesting. If I ever get the energy to read it, I'll give it a look. Though I struggle a lot with gaining energy to do stuff which I already talked about in the recovery forum.

You seem like an intelligent, dedicated person. If you are really determined to improve in that area, I think that seeking knowledge about the behavior of human beings, whether in groups or individual reactions, and what causes those reactions... can help you shed a little light on that world that once so far away and at the same time dissipate the fear a little as id did with me.

Intelligence is relative. I'm not intelligent at all, at least I refuse to believe that I am. As an example, I struggle a lot when it comes to common sense and this seems antithetical to what an intelligent person is like. I also struggle with articulating my thoughts properly. Though, yeah, understanding human behaviour would be something. I especially wonder how the human brain developed such that people oppose suicide with extreme magnitudes of emotion and mostly no logic

 

[AllAlone]

I agree with everything you said. In jobs the guy who is lazy and incompetent but who can suck up to the boss is more likely to get a promotion than someone who does their job to perfection and works hard but who is awkward.

Personally I feel all my problems stem from social ineptitude and social anxiety. Like growing up I was always considered smart. I had the ability and the potential to be successful but my social anxiety caused me to skip out on so many opportunities. So now I just work a minimum wage job and live with my parents even though I have the intelligence and potential to do more. I feel like if I wasn't so alone and had social skills I would have a good job and be a happy normal person. Instead I'm a nobody whose life is pointless and will die alone and nobody will notice or care.

 

[fourstars]

i get this so much, especially as an autistic who went undiagnosed her whole childhood. i had no real friends in elementary, in middle school i had selective mutism which made it impossible to make friends, in high school after getting a diagnosis and going to a mental health focused school i've gotten a friend group who understand more but i still struggle very much to interact in a way that most people will see as normal. god i just wish that i social skills would come more easily to me. i spent so much time building them up (which was still not very good, but at least better than they used to be) but then they crumble away when my depression and/or anxiety get worse and i have to start all over.
damn. sometimes i feel like people with social skills live in an entire seperate universe than us. they just don't seem real at all, how can they talk to people without fear nagging at themselves the entire time? i really cannot comprehend it. how can people talk to other people so normally?

 

[Raindancer]

I also think it is something you can lose. Growing up and through high school and college and early career, I had absolutely no issues. In fact my main job was mostly socializing all day. My ex and I would argue about socializing because when I got home at night or on weekends it was the last thing I wanted to do since I did it all day. Once my problems began and I isolated it became harder. I now have major social anxiety and seriously hate going out. I look at others who do it so easily and think what happened. When I do try, I notice people lo at me funny.

 

[ringo99]

I feel you. My social skills are crap since most of the people around me worship sports and I'm just not interested. It's impossible to have a conversation so after a few mins of meaningless pleasantries we just drift away. I doubt I'll ever find a good job after the one I'm in. I work in IT and my ability to learn new things, crucial for this sector, is on the verge of becoming non existent. Not gonna go deep into my family problems. I'm so tired. just want to lie down and never wake up.

 

[igl00]

I don't even have reference so yeah job market is hard if you don't network or have people vouch for you… I mean honestly tbf who would want to hire me I'm bad at my job which is why I'm doing so horribly…

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I don't even have reference so yeah job market is hard if you don't network or have people vouch for you… I mean honestly tbf who would want to hire me I'm bad at my job which is why I'm doing so horribly…

I didn't even consider references but that's another aspect of this which I absolutely dislike. References alone just goes to prove my point and it sucks..

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Yes and having your normal social development be messed up as a child informs the rest of your life too.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I've always struggled with social skills due to generalised anxiety disorder and aspergers.
Human interactions have always been difficult at the best of times.
I view socially outgoing and confident people as a different species to myself.
Having no social skills makes life so much more difficult than it should be.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Yes and having your normal social development be messed up as a child informs the rest of your life too.

Exactly this. I wish we were all born socially able to get through life

 

[Winterreise]

People with asd can improve, but very few autistcs are in constructive relationships. We are too hard to fix. Lots of austic people also speak their minds carelessly and turn people away. Also autistics unwillingness to learn from neurotypicals contribute to hard life. Alot of people with autism are complete wrecks, when they hit 40
I have seen so many of those asd people going down in their late 30s. Hitting rock bottom.

 

[Gonnerr]

I feel you , im better socially since i got prescribe benzos. I know its hard to get from docs , they prefer to prescribe anti depressant.

Almost everybody is on some kind of dope , so dont be ashame to help yourself with it.

Dope is good when taken responsibly.

 

[raltsrover]

I said what I said and I stick to it. Of course, before I start my mini rant (or long rant, who knows as I'm just gonna blurt out whatever is on my mind), I better clarify that this isn't the only thing that makes your life in hard mode but I do consider it as *one* of the factors that makes life harder relative to a human who can socialise.

For one, socialising is required to make friends and friendship, while not mandatory, is super beneficial to have. Well, true friendship anyway, I know that you can get back stabbed by fake friends which is also shitty in its own regard. But not being able to make friends in the first place.. I wonder how I'm still alive. I think that people won't ever realise the insane advantageous magnitude of having friends to rely on until they experience complete cessation of that. It's undeniable that I live life in hard mode because of my lack of friendships as I can't ask friends for help for university work (thankfully I can ask lecturers though), I can't rely on someone during my worst moments, I can't spend time with anybody irl etc etc. It sucks so badly and I wish I could cry over this but I'm too numb to cry.

Secondly, the entire job market is and any person getting a job is *contingent* on socialising, massively so. People would prefer someone who can socialise better over someone who has more technical skills for the job (to an extent but that extent is massive). Additionally, working your way "up the ladder" so to speak and gaining promotions is also contingent on your social skills and being able to negotiate with people and networking too. So if you don't have social skills to do any of this.. the rest is self explanatory

Thirdly, social skills doesn't only help you make friends but it could also help you find a potential loving and caring partner. Not saying that having a caring and loving partner is everything but two people working together is far easier than one. This isn't even something that bothers me too much as I don't really crave a partner but I mentioned this as I do feel like this contributes to the idea of social skills making your life on hard mode especially if you are someone who does want a loving partner.

Fourthly, this isn't a sub-topic of its own but people have discussed the effects of loneliness and I've even seen it getting compared to smoking two packs a day. Point is, whether it's accurate or not, loneliness.. is.. awful

That's it really. There are probably other ways that social ineptitude causes one to live life in hard mode but that's all I could think of

I understand... Being alone is one of the worst feelings ever. Something that really helped me out with this is simply giving it a shot in a place where it doesn't matter if you fuck up. For example, talk to a person that is so weird, that no matter what you say it can't be weirder than them. Maybe even talk to people that you won't ever see again. Social skills can be trained just like a muscle for us who weren't blessed with them at birth. I know it's really difficult, but it's worth it. Sending lots of love my friend

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

People with asd can improve, but very few autistcs are in constructive relationships. We are too hard to fix. Lots of austic people also speak their minds carelessly and turn people away. Also autistics unwillingness to learn from neurotypicals contribute to hard life. Alot of people with autism are complete wrecks, when they hit 40
I have seen so many of those asd people going down in their late 30s. Hitting rock bottom.

I'm an aspie, and aspergers has ruined any chances of me being a successfully social creature.
I went downhill in my early 20s. Complete rock bottom before I reached 30.