Venting having an episode

[immolation]

im in such a strange mental state rn.

my first and only (so far) attempt at actual mental health recovery started about a year and a half ago. but now im on the verge of a complete spiral. i relapsed horribly with alcohol on halloween when i was an entire year and 4 months clean of ALL substances. since this was my first attempt at real sobriety im not sure how to handle a relapse, and its making me lose all motivation to stay sober on other things.

im currently 4 months clean off self harm and eating disorder behaviors. i have a glass bottle hidden in my bathroom, and im waiting until i get an opportunity to break it and use the pieces to cut myself. ive been considering binge purging all my halloween candy and then fully letting myself relapse into anorexia.

i saw my psychiatrist this week, told her about my mood swings, and she said im showing signs of bipolar disorder and manic episodes. im too young to diagnose, so shes just changing my meds to help with the mania. i think this is all just mania? but it feels different than my last depressive episode and its DEFINITELY not a euphoric episode. idk whats going on with me and ive just kinda had the weirdest week of my life.

 

[Ethel]

I don't know how to help exactly, but I should let you know that you did a awesome job staying clean for soo long and that even if you fail for a while,you can get back up and don't let these speeds bumps of life make you lose yourself, it won't be the end of you,you can do it!!!

This is extremely cheesy but yeah...I hope you recover and don't let drinks stop ya, that's it

Stay safe and well ❤