Venting Having an Eating Disorder and Waiting to CTB

[sadghost]

I have struggled with disordered eating a good chunk of my life which turned into a full blown eating disorder (ED) when I turned 14/15. Since then, I have been in and out of treatment, on and off using different disordered behaviours, but never really had a normal relationship with food and exercise. It is a big reason why I want to CTB. I remember prior to developing an ED I could just eat and not think about it and I would give anything just to have that again.

I've been restricting lately as it's my coping mechanism. Now that I am 100% certain I am going to CTB, part of me just wants to binge because I'm like "well it doesn't matter anymore" but I know that I can't/won't.

 

[imsorrybear]

ahh same here. im not diagnosed but ive lived with an ed (an b/p) for about 3 years now. ive attempted recovery so many times but i always end up relapsing within a few months. it almost seems as if theres no true hope left for reocvery. the ed thoughts are always there.

i plan to eat normally for my last few days before i go.

its sad because not only does anorexia have the highest mortality rate for mental disorders but every 1 in 5 anorexic deaths are from suicide. its really draining to live like this. we're all kind of just stuck...

 

[BridgeJumper]

My eating disorder started because of being suicidal and needing something to cope, not the other way around. The problem is, throwing up after eating for the first time, restricting my food for the first time was difficult, but once I stopped being a virgin in those matters, it comes as effortlessly as breathing. And now I cant get rid of it, even though Im in a far better state mentally. Im so weak, achy and dizzy but I cant force myself to get adequate nutrition, instead I eat 600 - 800 calories a day and walk 15 km everyday. Its miserable and and I cant get help on national funding because they only keep places for emaciated people, and I was only ever slightly underweight. Its so unfair that nobody takes me seriously even after loosing 25 kilos

 

[sadghost]

My eating disorder started because of being suicidal and needing something to cope, not the other way around. The problem is, throwing up after eating for the first time, restricting my food for the first time was difficult, but once I stopped being a virgin in those matters, it comes as effortlessly as breathing. And now I cant get rid of it, even though Im in a far better state mentally. Im so weak, achy and dizzy but I cant force myself to get adequate nutrition, instead I eat 600 - 800 calories a day and walk 15 km everyday. Its miserable and and I cant get help on national funding because they only keep places for emaciated people, and I was only ever slightly underweight. Its so unfair that nobody takes me seriously even after loosing 25 kilos

I'm genuinely so sorry to hear that, eating disorders are so cruel and your struggle is very valid - no matter what your weight is. I think a common misconception that people tend to make with EDs is that only those who are really underweight have them which is far from the truth since they're mental illnesses.

ahh same here. im not diagnosed but ive lived with an ed (an b/p) for about 3 years now. ive attempted recovery so many times but i always end up relapsing within a few months. it almost seems as if theres no true hope left for reocvery. the ed thoughts are always there.

i plan to eat normally for my last few days before i go.

its sad because not only does anorexia have the highest mortality rate for mental disorders but every 1 in 5 anorexic deaths are from suicide. its really draining to live like this. we're all kind of just stuck...

I'm so sorry for your struggles, I definitely relate to the "ed thoughts are always there." It is really draining, I agree - having an ED decreased my quality of life substantially. making the decision to CTB gave me a lot of peace/relief immediately because for a short period of time (even if it's like a few meals) I know I can eat and not worry because I won't have to inhabit this body anymore.

It's so sad how misunderstood EDs are :( they really are deadly.

 

[YukiFox]

I got you. I'm overweight 20 kg / 45 lbs. I have an issue and I need huge serving sizes to feel calm. I don't know how I can close my stomach. And because of povetry, I depend a lot of carbs to sustain, and that worsened my mood. I fear a lot to become obese.

 

[xLosthopex]

My eating disorder started because of being suicidal and needing something to cope, not the other way around. The problem is, throwing up after eating for the first time, restricting my food for the first time was difficult, but once I stopped being a virgin in those matters, it comes as effortlessly as breathing. And now I cant get rid of it, even though Im in a far better state mentally. Im so weak, achy and dizzy but I cant force myself to get adequate nutrition, instead I eat 600 - 800 calories a day and walk 15 km everyday. Its miserable and and I cant get help on national funding because they only keep places for emaciated people, and I was only ever slightly underweight. Its so unfair that nobody takes me seriously even after loosing 25 kilos

Sounds very similar to my story, the first part at least

I've been in and out of hospital for anorexia since I was 14, am now 23, I had actually first developed it as a way to ctb and only after that I actually started obsessing over my weight etc
I'm currently quite underweight but nowhere near my lowest weight, definitely would use this as a method to ctb but I always just end up forced into hospital with a NG tube so I guess will just have to use different methods

 

[BridgeJumper]

Sounds very similar to my story, the first part at least

I've been in and out of hospital for anorexia since I was 14, am now 23, I had actually first developed it as a way to ctb and only after that I actually started obsessing over my weight etc
I'm currently quite underweight but nowhere near my lowest weight, definitely would use this as a method to ctb but I always just end up forced into hospital with a NG tube so I guess will just have to use different methods

I am pretty sure I could kill myself by terminal starvation / dehydration no problem
Since Im not emaciated, hospital staff doesnt care at all about my eating habits. I was refusing food for 2 weeks and water for 3 days before being found facedown on the toilet floor with body temp 35 celsius and blood pressure 80 / 50, and only then did they conclude that I need drips. Even though I asked for them before but was told Im 'young and able and need to stop'.
Honestly I think they only saved me cause they dont want a murder charge.
This is how screwed the system is.

 

[sadghost]

I am pretty sure I could kill myself by terminal starvation / dehydration no problem
Since Im not emaciated, hospital staff doesnt care at all about my eating habits. I was refusing food for 2 weeks and water for 3 days before being found facedown on the toilet floor with body temp 35 celsius and blood pressure 80 / 50, and only then did they conclude that I need drips. Even though I asked for them before but was told Im 'young and able and need to stop'.
Honestly I think they only saved me cause they dont want a murder charge.
This is how screwed the system is.

Omg this is absolutely horrendous, I'm so sorry you had to experience that!! It's ridiculous how underfunded the mental health system is and how misapprehended EDs are.

 

[Oh so tired]

I have struggled with disordered eating a good chunk of my life which turned into a full blown eating disorder (ED) when I turned 14/15. Since then, I have been in and out of treatment, on and off using different disordered behaviours, but never really had a normal relationship with food and exercise. It is a big reason why I want to CTB. I remember prior to developing an ED I could just eat and not think about it and I would give anything just to have that again.

I've been restricting lately as it's my coping mechanism. Now that I am 100% certain I am going to CTB, part of me just wants to binge because I'm like "well it doesn't matter anymore" but I know that I can't/won't.

I'm struggling with an eating disorder too. For me it is a form of self-harm, denying myself nutrition. I also self-harm in other ways too. The restricting helps me cope with the ctb urges.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, it is a miserable existence and I can understand your decision to ctb. Are you receiving any treatment or support at the moment? Eating disorders are really lonely and it is so hard to deal with alone. Recovery is possible though at any stage, though I know it doesn't feel like it to you right now.
If you ever feel like a chat or a rant feel free to inbox me.

 

[sadghost]

I'm struggling with an eating disorder too. For me it is a form of self-harm, denying myself nutrition. I also self-harm in other ways too. The restricting helps me cope with the ctb urges.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, it is a miserable existence and I can understand your decision to ctb. Are you receiving any treatment or support at the moment? Eating disorders are really lonely and it is so hard to deal with alone. Recovery is possible though at any stage, though I know it doesn't feel like it to you right now.
If you ever feel like a chat or a rant feel free to inbox me.

i'm so sorry that you're struggling, I completely understand using your ED as a coping mechanism. I find that I do the same.

Genuinely thank you so much for understanding. Right now I'm not getting any support, are you? I've decided against help personally because I really just want to CTB (Not just because of ED).

Thank you for your kind words, and if you ever want to chat my inbox is wide open

 

[Philosykos]

I get you. I've been dealing with an ED ever since I started to become conscious of food and what it does to my body. I spent a large part of my childhood with my mother who was obsessed with her looks and being thin. She used to disparage people of a higher weight and that mindset of 'the thinner the better' has manifested in me as well. I don't hold other people to that standard, only myself but it's a struggle. It really went downhill when my father called me fat for the first time when I was eleven and I haven't been able to look at food normally ever since. I haven't been starving myself continuously, it comes and goes, but the mindset remains. It's so hard constantly comparing yourself to everyone else especially since there will always be people who are thinner than you. I took pride in wasting away and in the end, it didn't help anyway as even at my lowest weight of 47kg (~104lbs) at a height of 176cm (5'9ft) (BMI 15.2) I still found myself too fat.

ED brain sucks.

 

[lotus11]

I have had severe ed for 10 years now, it is probably my main reason for being on this site because it manages to affect me every day and ruin most aspects of my life. Relationships, jobs, friends etc. It's very difficult to recover when after 10 years of this exhausting struggle and losing all of these things, people you love, opportunities, it's almost impossible to recover because you are left with very little motivation to want to live. And as recovery from a long term eating disorder pretty much requires life long motivation you really need something worthwhile in your life to make you change. On top of this, in my case at least, I feel physically terrible when I try to recover, I'm bloated, so bloated I just want to lie down all day, exhausted, sweating, and somehow manage to gain weight basically by just looking at a tomato. I have never had impatient treatment, I maintain a BMI of around 18 so am not considered 'thin enough' for impatient in the UK where I am from despite living off very little and taking extreme amounts of laxatives every night. Eds are very misunderstood, and almost impossible to recover from. I do all that I can to try, I eat INCREDIBLY healthy and small yet very nutritionally balanced meals, I am a thin yet 'healthy' BMI and yet without extreme restriction and laxative abuse it just is impossible to stop my body gaining more weight which I can't mentally cope with. Doctors just say generic shit like 'its water weight' which they have learned from their college textbook, but don't actually have a real solution

 

[Oh so tired]

i'm so sorry that you're struggling, I completely understand using your ED as a coping mechanism. I find that I do the same.

Genuinely thank you so much for understanding. Right now I'm not getting any support, are you? I've decided against help personally because I really just want to CTB (Not just because of ED).

Thank you for your kind words, and if you ever want to chat my inbox is wide open

Yeah I'm getting support from the community mental health team. My emotions are all over the place at the moment and whilst some days I'm intensely suicidal other days I think there is a chance of recovery. I'm sick of living like this though so I either need to ctb or recover!
I wish you peace in whatever you decide to do

 

[Deleted member 18655]

35+ years of every disorder under the sun. My most effective one has reared its head recently. It's a good coping mechanism and the familiarity and control I crave nowadays.

I will die a purging anorexic who was suicidal. Not a new story. It won't shock anyone and at least I'm doing something I'm good at, right?

 

[lululoo]

I've had disordered eating for many years. It got worse and worse over the years.
Mostly overeating/binge eating. I used to balance it with periods of restriction so I never got very fat.
Now I'm so irreversibly depressed that I don't think I will ever get back to restricting. This is yet another reason to die-- I cannot face being fatter. I hate myself enough already.

 

[woxihuanni]

I suppose I didn't have an ED as such, but I went off food when I was grieving (I still am grieving). Lost about a fifth of my body weight, when I didn't want to lose a single kilo. Anyways, I would have trouble eating the simplest things, both in terms of taste and preparation. So I thought, if I cannot even manage these, I will never manage to stop losing weight, much less gain any.

Enter cooking. Started cooking and baking after an interrupted attempt in late November. The more elaborate the dish is, the better. It both means slightly less pain while I am making it, and I actually end up eating it. Even better, it makes me physically tired without having to 'exercise', which I absolutely loathe and will never do. Cooking, especially baking, may be worth a try.

 

[sadghost]

I have had severe ed for 10 years now, it is probably my main reason for being on this site because it manages to affect me every day and ruin most aspects of my life. Relationships, jobs, friends etc. It's very difficult to recover when after 10 years of this exhausting struggle and losing all of these things, people you love, opportunities, it's almost impossible to recover because you are left with very little motivation to want to live. And as recovery from a long term eating disorder pretty much requires life long motivation you really need something worthwhile in your life to make you change. On top of this, in my case at least, I feel physically terrible when I try to recover, I'm bloated, so bloated I just want to lie down all day, exhausted, sweating, and somehow manage to gain weight basically by just looking at a tomato. I have never had impatient treatment, I maintain a BMI of around 18 so am not considered 'thin enough' for impatient in the UK where I am from despite living off very little and taking extreme amounts of laxatives every night. Eds are very misunderstood, and almost impossible to recover from. I do all that I can to try, I eat INCREDIBLY healthy and small yet very nutritionally balanced meals, I am a thin yet 'healthy' BMI and yet without extreme restriction and laxative abuse it just is impossible to stop my body gaining more weight which I can't mentally cope with. Doctors just say generic shit like 'its water weight' which they have learned from their college textbook, but don't actually have a real solution

I feel your pain, and I'm so sorry. I understand how devastating EDs can be - and recovery is such an uphill battle. Especially when you have boulders regularly falling on you and repeatedly knocking you down. It's definitely an everyday struggle - it's so hard because you literally need to eat everyday.

I think the weight requirements to judge how "bad" EDs are is total BS and reinforces the idea that you have to be "sick enough" for treatment?? & with that model, it's no wonder EDs are so hard to treat! I share your frustrations for sure - I'm also at a low/"healthy" weight atm but my ED thoughts are so so bad . I think that most doctors don't get it or don't care

Yeah I'm getting support from the community mental health team. My emotions are all over the place at the moment and whilst some days I'm intensely suicidal other days I think there is a chance of recovery. I'm sick of living like this though so I either need to ctb or recover!
I wish you peace in whatever you decide to do

I'm genuinely so happy that you're getting support! I understand - recovery is an emotional rollercoaster and recovery is possible but I also understand that path may not be right for everyone. Thank your for your kind wishes, I wish you nothing but peace and good fortune

35+ years of every disorder under the sun. My most effective one has reared its head recently. It's a good coping mechanism and the familiarity and control I crave nowadays.

I will die a purging anorexic who was suicidal. Not a new story. It won't shock anyone and at least I'm doing something I'm good at, right?

I'm so sorry that you've been through so much pain, I understand the desire for control, especially when you feel like you have no control over anything in your life. I wish you nothing but the best

I've had disordered eating for many years. It got worse and worse over the years.
Mostly overeating/binge eating. I used to balance it with periods of restriction so I never got very fat.
Now I'm so irreversibly depressed that I don't think I will ever get back to restricting. This is yet another reason to die-- I cannot face being fatter. I hate myself enough already.

I empathize, it can be such a struggle to find balance. I find myself in the same situation - the cycle of overeating/binging and then restricting to compensate is exhausting!