Having a hard time

[MichaelNomad123]

Hello. I just wanted a record of this somewhere that people might read or give a shit about. I just sent my ex-wife a flurry of emails, pleading for her to take me back. I miss my home. I miss my cat. I miss our rats. I miss her. She was my best friend and she gutted me.

It has been a full week now since she dumped the concluded divorce papers on me. She dropped me off at the airport and was gone by the time I looked back. I almost collapsed. I never actually expected her to file the papers. I thought our marriage and more importantly me, meant more to her.

I've been a pretty poor judge of character in the past, but I could always foresee it. I couldn't see this one. It just happened, and now it's apparently done. She hasn't bothered responding to me since she dumped the papers. I'm so lonely and I'm so upset. I opened up my suitcase for the first time in 2 months, the only 2 months I've been back in my home country, and I was greeted by one of the little post-it notes that we used to write each other. I pulled out what I needed, closed my suitcase and then spent the next 10 minutes gathering myself because I am apparently an emotional wreck right now. This isn't normal for me.

I can't believe that she filed the papers, almost as much as I can't believe she cheated on me. As someone that prides himself on prediction and generally just a good idea of what the fuck is going on around him, this really knocked me for 6. I really have no idea what to do with myself or how to help myself.

I'm just so unhappy and so upset and so confused. I long for the void, as much as I fight it. I did all the productive and positive steps you're supposed to do in times of crisis. I applied for a job so I can get my independence back. I take very good care of myself. None of it helps right now. I just have so many questions and no answers from her. I don't feel like I deserve this. I'm not a bad person. Fuck.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

you're right; you don't deserve this. nobody deserves to get cheated on.

going back, or asking her to take you back won't do you any good. it'll only hurt you even more. i understand you're heartbroken, but again, you deserve better than someone who cheated on you and isn't even taking the time to respond to you.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

I'm so sorry this happened to you, nobody deserves to be treated like that!
I do understand you miss your 'old' life, but going back wouldn't be a good thing. That woman hurt you beyond belief, it would never be the same again, even if " she would take you back'

You would feel awful, and it would haunt you every day. The trust is gone,and where there's no trust, there's not much left

Believe me, I know it hard, been there. But please, don't let that woman break you even more!
I wish you all good

 

[MichaelNomad123]

I got my response from her. She has notified me that she will only be engaging with me in her own time and that she is getting the therapy that she needs. My issue with that is that I need closure. It basically reads like a big fuck you to me. What an absolute joke. I moved across the planet for this woman.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Ofcourse you need closure. You deserve at least that! But unfortunately...you can't make people talk to you if they don't want... Maybe you can ask your lawyer to call with her lawyer, for her to send you a letter with an explanation? She can say no ofcourse, but maybe her legal person can convince her it would be the most decent thing to do...

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I got my response from her. She has notified me that she will only be engaging with me in her own time and that she is getting the therapy that she needs. My issue with that is that I need closure. It basically reads like a big fuck you to me. What an absolute joke. I moved across the planet for this woman.

I think you're giving her way too much power with needing closure from her.

I only know your side, of course, so I'll respond to what I know. I'm writing authoritatively here, but take what you want and what works for you, discard the rest. I have no attachment to the outcome.

Her consistent behaviors have proven her character. She lied, she cheated, she hid things from you and then got defensive when you discovered things, she took your support for mourning but did not support you in yours, she made no effort to communicate, negotiate and work things out, she discarded you, now she's got you on the hook that she'll communicate in her own time.

At some point, when you've moved on, she'll try to hoover back your attention and emotions and get more fuel to power the engine of whatever drives her.

No matter how you approach her for closure, whether nicely or by lowering your boundaries of civility, you're just spinning your wheels trying to get out of a mud slick or snow.

I'll switch metaphors now. So many can be used for this situation.

Imagine that she's a billygoat on top of a peak; she's got her footing, she's solid, she's not moving. Imagine you're a ram; you go running up the mountain and try to ram into her to move her from her position, but instead you ping off her and go tumbling back down. So you gear up, charge back up the mountain and ram her again, and ping off of her, and go tumbling down. You're just getting more bruised and cut up and frustrated and angry and, eventually, exhausted and distraught and despondent. She's not going to move unless it's for her own purpose, and if she gives you something you want, it's to distract you to take something you don't want to give, or that you offered in a certain way, but not in the way it's going to be taken. The billygoat on top of the mountain gives no fucks, doesn't have to, and never will, otherwise you'd be next to the billygoat on the peak.

Back to the car in the mudslick or snow -- put some planks under the tires and get the fuck out of there. Stop being in her story and the rut she helped put you in.

A final metaphor: the slot machine of hope. You keep thinking she'll give you a jackpot of what you believe she owes you for all you've invested. So you keep going back, investing more hope, pulling that arm again and again. You get little payouts here and there to keep you returning, like this most recent communication that she'll engage in the future, in her time. It's draining your resources. Far better to invest them in you. You moved across the planet as an investment in hope, and you didn't get the jackpot. Now you know to stay away from casinos and slot machines. I know you invested three years or more in the relationship, but thank whatever that she showed you what she was about in only three years, not longer. You're talented, you have values, you have strengths -- invest in that. Invest in learning to respect and value yourself. Invest in learning equanimity or tools for analyzing others and yourself or, I don't know, whatever you were lacking so that you can recognize when you're drawn to casinos and stay away from them, do something better for yourself and with yourself. Be responsible for you, learn to master yourself, find your own peak.

You've seen the pattern of who she's attracted to, next is to see how that made you a victim to her bait and hooks. If you don't to be a victim to her anymore, or to someone else again, it's time to work on your own patterns that aren't serving you. It's empowered and empowering to do so. It's disempowering to focus on her and continue to demand what she clearly won't give.

Finally, I read a quote from the philosopher Heraclitus, maybe there's something in it that will serve you. I don't remember the exact words, but it's that the road on the way down is the same as the road on the way up.

Those are my thoughts. I hope there's something there that serves. If not, I still wish for your well-being, and I trust that you will figure out what's best for you in your own way and in your own time.

 

[MichaelNomad123]

I think you're giving her way too much power with needing closure from her.

I only know your side, of course, so I'll respond to what I know. I'm writing authoritatively here, but take what you want and what works for you, discard the rest. I have no attachment to the outcome.

Her consistent behaviors have proven her character. She lied, she cheated, she hid things from you and then got defensive when you discovered things, she took your support for mourning but did not support you in yours, she made no effort to communicate, negotiate and work things out, she discarded you, now she's got you on the hook that she'll communicate in her own time.

At some point, when you've moved on, she'll try to hoover back your attention and emotions and get more fuel to power the engine of whatever drives her.

No matter how you approach her for closure, whether nicely or by lowering your boundaries of civility, you're just spinning your wheels trying to get out of a mud slick or snow.

I'll switch metaphors now. So many can be used for this situation.

Imagine that she's a billygoat on top of a peak; she's got her footing, she's solid, she's not moving. Imagine you're a ram; you go running up the mountain and try to ram into her to move her from her position, but instead you ping off her and go tumbling back down. So you gear up, charge back up the mountain and ram her again, and ping off of her, and go tumbling down. You're just getting more bruised and cut up and frustrated and angry and, eventually, exhausted and distraught and despondent. She's not going to move unless it's for her own purpose, and if she gives you something you want, it's to distract you to take something you don't want to give, or that you offered in a certain way, but not in the way it's going to be taken. The billygoat on top of the mountain gives no fucks, doesn't have to, and never will, otherwise you'd be next to the billygoat on the peak.

Back to the car in the mudslick or snow -- put some planks under the tires and get the fuck out of there. Stop being in her story and the rut she helped put you in.

A final metaphor: the slot machine of hope. You keep thinking she'll give you a jackpot of what you believe she owes you for all you've invested. So you keep going back, investing more hope, pulling that arm again and again. You get little payouts here and there to keep you returning, like this most recent communication that she'll engage in the future, in her time. It's draining your resources. Far better to invest them in you. You moved across the planet as an investment in hope, and you didn't get the jackpot. Now you know to stay away from casinos and slot machines. I know you invested three years or more in the relationship, but thank whatever that she showed you what she was about in only three years, not longer. You're talented, you have values, you have strengths -- invest in that. Invest in learning to respect and value yourself. Invest in learning equanimity or tools for analyzing others and yourself or, I don't know, whatever you were lacking so that you can recognize when you're drawn to casinos and stay away from them, do something better for yourself and with yourself. Be responsible for you, learn to master yourself, find your own peak.

You've seen the pattern of who she's attracted to, next is to see how that made you a victim to her bait and hooks. If you don't to be a victim to her anymore, or to someone else again, it's time to work on your own patterns that aren't serving you. It's empowered and empowering to do so. It's disempowering to focus on her and continue to demand what she clearly won't give.

Finally, I read a quote from the philosopher Heraclitus, maybe there's something in it that will serve you. I don't remember the exact words, but it's that the road on the way down is the same as the road on the way up.

Those are my thoughts. I hope there's something there that serves. If not, I still wish for your well-being, and I trust that you will figure out what's best for you in your own way and in your own time.

I appreciate the time and effort you've taken out of your day to give to me. That means a lot. Thank you. You made me feel a little better.

I have been less than cordial to her in our interactions in the past, but I feel as if it is warranted. I've called her a lot of names and threatened her, but she cheated on me and let me move across the world and then refused to deal with it which resulted in me losing 3 years of my life. I feel justified in my vitriol. She is so calculated and cold when it comes to arguments and intimacy that it can only really be emotional damage. She isn't a psychopath by nature, but there is definitely something wrong with her when she is processing her actions and emotions.

She has told me that she is getting therapy, so that's great, I guess. I have been trying to get her to give me closure now for a few hours and burned through my phone credit texting her in America. Woops. I spent the better part of the past hour calling her a lot of awful things. She keeps drip-feeding emails. Man I'm angry. I am not processing well. I feel wrath for the first time in my life. I'm struggling with feelings of destroying her life. I have become fixated on getting this small win from her and I'm having trouble letting it go. It feels like a splinter in my mind. What an absolute cold cunt. Therapy my ass. Fucks sake.

I would subscribe to the slot machine metaphor. Up until tonight, it was very much what I was focusing on. Mastery of self. I'm starting a new job tomorrow and I've been staying away from drugs. The goal is to get my own place within the next couple of weeks so I can live in peace and paint until I drop dead. Mastery. But like I said, my ex-wife remains a thorn in my mind and I'm not sure how to resolve that without her input. I would be content with her saying that she doesn't love me, but she won't even give me that. I'm so fucking pissed off.

Anyway. Such is my life, I suppose. Once again, thank you kind stranger. You are wise. I see it.

 

[goodbyebunny]

It's so awful that you've been hurt in this way. You are cared about here, and we hear you. Sorry if it's off topic, but what kind of paintings do you make? Does it help you cope, to express your creativity?