I don't romanticize it, not even a little. I am aware of the ugliness of life and the finality and potential horror of death. The fact that it is the only one true thing that we all share in common does nothing to contradict the reality of the situation, nor !make it any more acceptable or bearable in my eyes.
I did once suffer from idealization. I recognize it now for what it was; an inability to accept that my old life was over and I had to adapt to a new, less enabled existence, mostly alone.
So I recoiled from having to do the hard work, unwitnessed, and descended into a delusional fantasy. I remember every day, all day online searching everything suicide related. Methods, guide, contacting A, medium's accounts etc. You name it, I read it, many times over. Obsession. A constant mantra in my head, that there must be a way. The anxiety I felt was like nothing I'd ever experienced and it was constant.
At that point, I wouldn't say I romanticized it, but I did suffer a certain amount of necessary delusion, a kind of insulation against the desperation of my situation.
It was the coping mechanism of a desperate fool, though as such, it was a necessary step for me to go through.
