As some might know I am pretty much anti-drugs.
Though sometimes the boundaries are not clear. I take a (very) low dosage of a benzo and z-medication and a regular basis. I did not experience any severe tolerance on it. I have some breaks between using them. I am glad my psychiatrist trusts me. I think without these medication college would be impossible to attend. Manic symptoms get easily triggered when I am working on college stuff.
I read that some students use performance enhancing drugs in college. For example ADHD medication to increase concentration.
I had the question in the title because I asked myself whether I have some advantages to other students. I think the answer is I have mostly disadvantages. But I cannot deny that my illness has some elements which are good for getting good grades. But horrible if you want to have a fulfiling and happy life.
My impulse to work for college is very high. I am very motivated and in general I have a high energy level. It is not on a (hypo)mania level but compared to other people it is way way beyond average. I can think very fast. And my mind is good at creating associations. In school I was extremely good at interpreting stories or poems due to this skill.
Though I am extremely high on the trait neuroticism so high that it makes for me impossible to study fulltime. I have so much OCD and struggle with perfectionism that it renders me useless. I doubt I will ever be able to work a normal job. I just act as if everything was perfect so that the people around me don't panic.
I am extremely high on conscientiousness. Again so high that it leaves me useless.
I am not 100% whether this narrative I need the addictive medication in order to prevent mania is fully true. It is something I tell myself to have less of a guilty conscience taking them. I am not addicted for sure but the usage is dangerous. Maybe if I did way way less for college I would need less of this emergency medication. Though this is only an hypothesis. In the first semester I tried to live without this medication and I came close to a manic episode. A manic epsisode could kill me. So I am not keen to repeat that experiment.
Moreover I have extreme OCD concerning having good grades. I have huge issues with anxiety before exams. If I did way less for these exams I think I could not cope with the anxiety. I was extremely good prepared for the ones in the past. Though I have extreme anxiety for have failed any of them. I even had this anxiety when I had the perfect grade afterwards.
So I am a very ill person who should not be too hardsh on myself. However I think it is important to question the narratives one tells to oneself. The human brain tends to many biases. And I think explaining the world with narratives is one of them. It makes life easier if we can build categories. It can comfort us to retrospectively analyze what happened to us with logic. For example to beat the usual guilty feeling depression gives us when our life is messed up. Logic is a way to cope with abuse. At least in my experience. I try to rationalize what happened to me. Put it in the right context. Analyzing my pathologies is a way to deal with them. However overanalyzing my pathologies is ironically one pathology.
In some aspects my brain gives me an advantage. Though I think most people could not live with the extreme pressure with which my mind torments me. Mostly it is a disadvantage. Especially when we look at my life and not only at these useless grades.
Have you ever took performance enhancing drugs? When I told my best friend in college that I take very much medication he asked me a couple of times whether they are uppers. Lol. For example because I speak very fast. No I am taking mostly downers. My brain itself is an upper. I don't need more urge to do things. Quite the opposite.
Though sometimes the boundaries are not clear. I take a (very) low dosage of a benzo and z-medication and a regular basis. I did not experience any severe tolerance on it. I have some breaks between using them. I am glad my psychiatrist trusts me. I think without these medication college would be impossible to attend. Manic symptoms get easily triggered when I am working on college stuff.
I read that some students use performance enhancing drugs in college. For example ADHD medication to increase concentration.
I had the question in the title because I asked myself whether I have some advantages to other students. I think the answer is I have mostly disadvantages. But I cannot deny that my illness has some elements which are good for getting good grades. But horrible if you want to have a fulfiling and happy life.
My impulse to work for college is very high. I am very motivated and in general I have a high energy level. It is not on a (hypo)mania level but compared to other people it is way way beyond average. I can think very fast. And my mind is good at creating associations. In school I was extremely good at interpreting stories or poems due to this skill.
Though I am extremely high on the trait neuroticism so high that it makes for me impossible to study fulltime. I have so much OCD and struggle with perfectionism that it renders me useless. I doubt I will ever be able to work a normal job. I just act as if everything was perfect so that the people around me don't panic.
I am extremely high on conscientiousness. Again so high that it leaves me useless.
I am not 100% whether this narrative I need the addictive medication in order to prevent mania is fully true. It is something I tell myself to have less of a guilty conscience taking them. I am not addicted for sure but the usage is dangerous. Maybe if I did way way less for college I would need less of this emergency medication. Though this is only an hypothesis. In the first semester I tried to live without this medication and I came close to a manic episode. A manic epsisode could kill me. So I am not keen to repeat that experiment.
Moreover I have extreme OCD concerning having good grades. I have huge issues with anxiety before exams. If I did way less for these exams I think I could not cope with the anxiety. I was extremely good prepared for the ones in the past. Though I have extreme anxiety for have failed any of them. I even had this anxiety when I had the perfect grade afterwards.
So I am a very ill person who should not be too hardsh on myself. However I think it is important to question the narratives one tells to oneself. The human brain tends to many biases. And I think explaining the world with narratives is one of them. It makes life easier if we can build categories. It can comfort us to retrospectively analyze what happened to us with logic. For example to beat the usual guilty feeling depression gives us when our life is messed up. Logic is a way to cope with abuse. At least in my experience. I try to rationalize what happened to me. Put it in the right context. Analyzing my pathologies is a way to deal with them. However overanalyzing my pathologies is ironically one pathology.
In some aspects my brain gives me an advantage. Though I think most people could not live with the extreme pressure with which my mind torments me. Mostly it is a disadvantage. Especially when we look at my life and not only at these useless grades.
Have you ever took performance enhancing drugs? When I told my best friend in college that I take very much medication he asked me a couple of times whether they are uppers. Lol. For example because I speak very fast. No I am taking mostly downers. My brain itself is an upper. I don't need more urge to do things. Quite the opposite.
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