Have you ever thought of faking an illness to justify your suicide?

[SentimentalTrip]

I am in my 20s. My parents and I do not have a good relationship and I believe the environment that created during my upbringing is a big part of why I am the way I am. In spite of that, I do think about how my suicide would affect them. This is totally illogical. My dad straight up told me I'd go to hell if I did, which is a horrible thing to say to when your child opens up to you. I am trying really hard to learn not to care about how they'll feel, but it's easier said than done.

I've thought about faking an illness to "justify" ending my own life. I have symptoms of consistent with a terrible neurological illness, but I've been examined thoroughly and none of my doctors have been able to find the cause of these symptoms. I've thought of lying to them saying that I've been diagnosed with an illness consistent with these symptoms and then CTBing shortly afterwards so at least they'd think I had somewhat of a good reason to do it.

Anyone else have similar thoughts?

 

[Concorde]

If I didn't have folks in my life who'd press to help and feel entitled to attend life-and-death doctor appointments with me—if I could get away with it—I would be delighted to mislead and lie my way through a big diagnosis.

But there are so many reasons to believe I would be exposed in one way or another before I died.

Ideally, my partner would Munchausen by proxy me.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm trying to hold on until my Dad goes first. Now and then, I feel like I might not want to keep holding on. In which case, I envisage more that I'd try to explain how unhappy I've been for a long time, how hard I find life and how the most loving and kind thing would be for him to try to understand that.

But, no. I tend to think they would do an autopsy- which would reveal I didn't have a serious illness ultimately.

I have of course thought about what would happen if I did get a chronic illness. I suspect- the same as above- I'd be trying to explain why I didn't want to go on.

 

[Concorde]

explain why I didn't want to go on.

Regardless of how untrue it is, and no matter how or when I go, I intend to tell people for whom it would make a difference: "Listen, I had a good life. You did all you could do to ensure that. There's nothing more anyone could do to fix what's left—believe me, I'd ask for it."

Experiencing the death of someone close to you is so painful. I hope that language like this makes them less uncomfortable.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Regardless of how untrue it is, and no matter how or when I go, I intend to tell people for whom it would make a difference: "Listen, I had a good life. You did all you could do to ensure that. There's nothing more anyone could do to fix what's left—believe me, I'd ask for it."

Experiencing the death of someone close to you is so painful. I hope that language like this makes them less uncomfortable.

I've thought of phrasing something similar in that: 'I didn't ask you for help because I knew there was nothing you could do and I didn't want you to spend that time worrying.'

 

[Forveleth]

No. I want everyone to know how those closest to me pushed me to this point. My notes are basically "This is your fault" so I am not pulling any punches.

 

[madameviolette]

No. I want everyone to know how those closest to me pushed me to this point. My notes are basically "This is your fault" so I am not pulling any punches.

Do you mind telling how they impacted your decision to ctb ?

 

[Forveleth]

Do you mind telling how they impacted your decision to ctb ?

I told my parents I was suicidal as a teen and they did absolutely nothing about it. They would have gotten me help or at least been supportive. Decades later, after some therapy, I realized the way they raised me set me up for being pretty fucked up for life. I am also currently married to an emotionally abusive asshole who weaponized "love" to keep me around so he can mooch off me.

These three people have taken everything from me and left me as a husk. Because of them I do not want to continue living. My notes basically tell them this.

 

[madameviolette]

I told my parents I was suicidal as a teen and they did absolutely nothing about it. They would have gotten me help or at least been supportive. Decades later, after some therapy, I realized the way they raised me set me up for being pretty fucked up for life. I am also currently married to an emotionally abusive asshole who weaponized "love" to keep me around so he can mooch off me.

These three people have taken everything from me and left me as a husk. Because of them I do not want to continue living. My notes basically tell them this.

I'm sorry, sounds difficult. Can't you get away from your spouse ?

 

[Forveleth]

I'm sorry, sounds difficult. Can't you get away from your spouse ?

I did not get a prenup (because I am an idiot) and he told me he will come after me for everything if I leave him. But even if I could get away from him, I am so drained that I just do not want to go on anymore. Even if I won the lottery tomorrow and could have the easiest life ever, I still would not want to live it.

 

[Concorde]

if I won the lottery tomorrow

I could be wrong—and this world would still be a terrible place and eventually harmful to all—but I think a bunch of cash might allow me to let nature and time kill me rather than getting it done myself.