I am kind of anxious about this question. In college I got some new friends and I am not sure how much I should open myself to them. I already made a long thread about that and it feels better that my closest friends know about my struggle. I don't really expect such a question but there are scenarios when they could ask that question ( the college friends). For example if we talked about our stances on assisted suicide. I am a pretty bad liar. It could become socially awkward. I am very much in favor of assisted suicide and I ask myself how people would react to such a liberal position of someone. Some people know I have mental illness at college. That combined I don't know...
I am not sure when it was the last time when someone asked me that question. If I had to guess I would say it was in therapy sessions. I can remember one when I was very depressive I opened up to a therapist about my suicidality. She wondered why I have not shared it earlier with her. Her next question was how much do you think about suicide? I could not see her into the eyes at that time. I had issues concerning that. I am not fully sure why. I think one part stemmed from the fact I did not want to come close to people before I commit suicide. I had a guilty conscience I could hurt other people with that action. When she realized I did not look her in the eyes because of that she said like "Oh..." I forgot her exact words but she understood that I was thinking about it 24/7. She was a horrible therapist. She was exceptionally incompetent. I have met way way better therapists than her. It is really shocking that such a person can be a therapist. She gave me up some weeks or a few months later. I explained that story a thousand times.
I have met other therapists who reacted better to my suicidality. Though I had the feeling college does not prepare them perfectly for people like me. There was one therapist who openly told me he does not understand suicidal people. Not wanting to live seems so irrational for him. My last therapist said to me. He honestly does not know what to respond when someone says he or she is suicidal.
I have the feeling suicidality is for many people a mystery. I have the feeling most average people cannot understand what it feels like to have a similar consciousness than mine. I am still anxious to open myself fully to therapists. When I was fully honest many of them were deeply shocked about the pain I am in. I want to protect some of them. But I am really not sure what the best stratregy is for that. I once had the feeling I should prepare them and tell them there is no hope for me. But when I communicated that some of them worried a lot about me. (Explanation I communicated I am not acute suicidal but in the longrun there is no hope for me to escape that fate.)
So the overview is kind of messy. I told my current psychiatrist that I think I gonna ctb in the future. I was pretty open to her. I also mentioned I am visiting a suicide forum on a regular basis. She did not like that. Since then I am made little progress and I act like in front of her as if my problems could be solved by that. I think in general she forgot a lot of things I told her. I was quite explicit. Though I have the feelinfg many professionals forget a lot if you do not reiterate it. I was pretty open about my suicidality also in front of my dad or other relatives. I don't want that they worry too much about me. But when I am not repeating it they simply fully forget it. However maybe my dad is not the perfect example for that because he seems to forget like everything. I envy that he can work and I can't.
My last psychotherapist was pretty optimimistic about my future when we had no more sessions left. The therapy was weird. I think he was on the edge of giving up on me at one point. I was not really responsible for that. But I was simply pretty miserable at that time. And we always fighted whether I am too pessimistic. I failed at jobs a couple of times. And the situation was pretty desperate. Then I started college again. I had some luck and then he praised myself for it. Well it was mostly luck. He was so proud for how endured the hardship. However I also fighted like that in my previous attempts to recover. The difference was not my motivation it was simply luck. It was not really my skill which made the difference. And it made me feel bad knowing in case I would not have been able to attend college people probably would have it blamed on me or my pessimism. For similar reasons as I above I was not fully open about my suicidality. I also was very scared to be given up one more time. This hurt me so much with the other therapist(s).
Then there is a therapist who cares a lot about me at a clinic. He also gave me up after I was fired. But it was obvious he suffered a lot because he likes me. I have the feeling he wants to believe in an happy end in my case because the more likely scenario I gonna kill myself would disturb his well-being. I have made some progress and he acts like this is perfect solution for all of my problems. In my case this is pretty naive. I have so many fucking problems. It really accumulates. I really try to postpone my demise. I act like everything is fine. I try to live with the hope. And for sure it increases my life quality currently But there are so many problems I don't have a solution for. I really don't see myself to continue living when my parents are dead. I ruminate a lot about it. But the nightmare scenarios are way more likely than the happy end scenarios. I have the feeling an happy end is for not even possible. I would be okay with a mediocre life. But I think it is more likely that a living hell is awaiting me. And I won't be able to endure that for a long time.
I don't know maybe all this rambling is off-topic. I wanted to say I am not sure what the answer would be to the question in the title. I would probably give different answers to different people. I liked this interview with David Foster Wallace and the inteviewer asked about his suicidality. And DFW said something "I don't really plan to jump off a buiding or something like that". I have the theory DFW knew at this point that suicide is pretty hard for him to escape from. I think his facial expressions showed he was not comfortable to be asked that question. I can relate. Publicly in a TV show you don't want to open yourself in such an intimate way. But it also hurts having to lie about such a part of your life. It feels like something you must feel ashamed for because you feel the need to hide it in front of others.
Another point. Maybe more a core answer to the title question. I think the question is vague. But there are huge differences in being suicidal. I am now suicidal since a decade and I also have to emphasize there are fluctuations in the severity. Some people have more some less suicidal thoughts. I never can imagine when people say there is emptiness in their head. I barely can relate to that. My thoughts are usually pretty fast and I really struggle to relax. So maybe some people have in general less thougths than others. Moreover it is hard to give an empirical true answer. How much do you think about suicide? I mean when I count the word suicide in my head (sometimes we don't think in words though which is an interesting point and which makes me think - no pun intended) on daily basis I am not sure how often I say it in my head. Maybe like 50-100 times or more? And currently I am compared to the past in a good condition. The thought of suicide is so deeply entrenchend in my character. I have numerous associations in my head about it.
When an average person asked me whether I had/have suicidal thoughts I think I I would have to resist to chuckle. Due to the fact I think it is pretty hard to comprehend for a non-suicidal person how fucking much those thoughts can haunt you. In a sense it is ridiculous to be so obsessed about it. Though it is not a cult like obsession. It is rather deep-rooted fear, a fight between fatalism and the will to fight it etc. I also don't understand how other people think of suicide. I witnessed a lot of stereotypes. People who ctb were insane, people with suicidal thoughts would be the ultimate losers, people who ctb were stupid etc. I just don't understand such a mindset. So maybe my lack of understanding mutual.
What do you think? Have you a certain memory in mind when someone asked you that question?
I am not sure when it was the last time when someone asked me that question. If I had to guess I would say it was in therapy sessions. I can remember one when I was very depressive I opened up to a therapist about my suicidality. She wondered why I have not shared it earlier with her. Her next question was how much do you think about suicide? I could not see her into the eyes at that time. I had issues concerning that. I am not fully sure why. I think one part stemmed from the fact I did not want to come close to people before I commit suicide. I had a guilty conscience I could hurt other people with that action. When she realized I did not look her in the eyes because of that she said like "Oh..." I forgot her exact words but she understood that I was thinking about it 24/7. She was a horrible therapist. She was exceptionally incompetent. I have met way way better therapists than her. It is really shocking that such a person can be a therapist. She gave me up some weeks or a few months later. I explained that story a thousand times.
I have met other therapists who reacted better to my suicidality. Though I had the feeling college does not prepare them perfectly for people like me. There was one therapist who openly told me he does not understand suicidal people. Not wanting to live seems so irrational for him. My last therapist said to me. He honestly does not know what to respond when someone says he or she is suicidal.
I have the feeling suicidality is for many people a mystery. I have the feeling most average people cannot understand what it feels like to have a similar consciousness than mine. I am still anxious to open myself fully to therapists. When I was fully honest many of them were deeply shocked about the pain I am in. I want to protect some of them. But I am really not sure what the best stratregy is for that. I once had the feeling I should prepare them and tell them there is no hope for me. But when I communicated that some of them worried a lot about me. (Explanation I communicated I am not acute suicidal but in the longrun there is no hope for me to escape that fate.)
So the overview is kind of messy. I told my current psychiatrist that I think I gonna ctb in the future. I was pretty open to her. I also mentioned I am visiting a suicide forum on a regular basis. She did not like that. Since then I am made little progress and I act like in front of her as if my problems could be solved by that. I think in general she forgot a lot of things I told her. I was quite explicit. Though I have the feelinfg many professionals forget a lot if you do not reiterate it. I was pretty open about my suicidality also in front of my dad or other relatives. I don't want that they worry too much about me. But when I am not repeating it they simply fully forget it. However maybe my dad is not the perfect example for that because he seems to forget like everything. I envy that he can work and I can't.
My last psychotherapist was pretty optimimistic about my future when we had no more sessions left. The therapy was weird. I think he was on the edge of giving up on me at one point. I was not really responsible for that. But I was simply pretty miserable at that time. And we always fighted whether I am too pessimistic. I failed at jobs a couple of times. And the situation was pretty desperate. Then I started college again. I had some luck and then he praised myself for it. Well it was mostly luck. He was so proud for how endured the hardship. However I also fighted like that in my previous attempts to recover. The difference was not my motivation it was simply luck. It was not really my skill which made the difference. And it made me feel bad knowing in case I would not have been able to attend college people probably would have it blamed on me or my pessimism. For similar reasons as I above I was not fully open about my suicidality. I also was very scared to be given up one more time. This hurt me so much with the other therapist(s).
Then there is a therapist who cares a lot about me at a clinic. He also gave me up after I was fired. But it was obvious he suffered a lot because he likes me. I have the feeling he wants to believe in an happy end in my case because the more likely scenario I gonna kill myself would disturb his well-being. I have made some progress and he acts like this is perfect solution for all of my problems. In my case this is pretty naive. I have so many fucking problems. It really accumulates. I really try to postpone my demise. I act like everything is fine. I try to live with the hope. And for sure it increases my life quality currently But there are so many problems I don't have a solution for. I really don't see myself to continue living when my parents are dead. I ruminate a lot about it. But the nightmare scenarios are way more likely than the happy end scenarios. I have the feeling an happy end is for not even possible. I would be okay with a mediocre life. But I think it is more likely that a living hell is awaiting me. And I won't be able to endure that for a long time.
I don't know maybe all this rambling is off-topic. I wanted to say I am not sure what the answer would be to the question in the title. I would probably give different answers to different people. I liked this interview with David Foster Wallace and the inteviewer asked about his suicidality. And DFW said something "I don't really plan to jump off a buiding or something like that". I have the theory DFW knew at this point that suicide is pretty hard for him to escape from. I think his facial expressions showed he was not comfortable to be asked that question. I can relate. Publicly in a TV show you don't want to open yourself in such an intimate way. But it also hurts having to lie about such a part of your life. It feels like something you must feel ashamed for because you feel the need to hide it in front of others.
Another point. Maybe more a core answer to the title question. I think the question is vague. But there are huge differences in being suicidal. I am now suicidal since a decade and I also have to emphasize there are fluctuations in the severity. Some people have more some less suicidal thoughts. I never can imagine when people say there is emptiness in their head. I barely can relate to that. My thoughts are usually pretty fast and I really struggle to relax. So maybe some people have in general less thougths than others. Moreover it is hard to give an empirical true answer. How much do you think about suicide? I mean when I count the word suicide in my head (sometimes we don't think in words though which is an interesting point and which makes me think - no pun intended) on daily basis I am not sure how often I say it in my head. Maybe like 50-100 times or more? And currently I am compared to the past in a good condition. The thought of suicide is so deeply entrenchend in my character. I have numerous associations in my head about it.
When an average person asked me whether I had/have suicidal thoughts I think I I would have to resist to chuckle. Due to the fact I think it is pretty hard to comprehend for a non-suicidal person how fucking much those thoughts can haunt you. In a sense it is ridiculous to be so obsessed about it. Though it is not a cult like obsession. It is rather deep-rooted fear, a fight between fatalism and the will to fight it etc. I also don't understand how other people think of suicide. I witnessed a lot of stereotypes. People who ctb were insane, people with suicidal thoughts would be the ultimate losers, people who ctb were stupid etc. I just don't understand such a mindset. So maybe my lack of understanding mutual.
What do you think? Have you a certain memory in mind when someone asked you that question?
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