Have you ever had a relationship with someone you didn't love to avoid loneliness?

[VivaldiBR]

I met a person and I don't like her so much, but due to my current state of self-esteem, I can't end this relationship. Of course, I know how unethical and selfish it is, but I've never felt this codependency before. I think depression makes you more dependent. Its the first time in my life that I am not feeling able to end a relationship.

I am afraid of being alone and worsening my depressive state and increasing the possibility of CTB. It's like this relationship is one of the few things that keeps me alive.

But at the same time it is excruciating to be with a person you don't love just because you are afraid of being alone and the consequences about this.

I am open to opinions. But, please, don't judge me. I know how shameful this is.

 

[Deleted member 23374]

Then stay in the relationship and consider it a temporary marriage of convenience. I know it's a self deception but, maybe it will give you some breathing space.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

I've had my share of questionable relationships. I can say that yes I've dated someone I wasn't crazy about. I can't say I'd do it again but at the time it made sense.

I think you should just roll with it and gain some first hand knowledge/experience, which is invaluable compared to anecdotes.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I've never been able to even have a relationship, probably because I'm so sure that people would only ever get into a relationship with me for this reason.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

I met a person and I don't like her so much, but due to my current state of self-esteem, I can't end this relationship. Of course, I know how unethical and selfish it is, but I've never felt this codependency before. I think depression makes you more dependent. Its the first time in my life that I am not feeling able to end a relationship.

I am afraid of being alone and worsening my depressive state and increasing the possibility of CTB. It's like this relationship is one of the few things that keeps me alive.

But at the same time it is excruciating to be with a person you don't love just because you are afraid of being alone and the consequences about this.

I am open to opinions. But, please, don't judge me. I know how shameful this is.

How long have you been together? I've been with a guy I didn't even like for 8 months, for similar reasons, so I can definitely relate. I do not mean to be a nitpicking bitch, but codependency is not the right word for this, imo. Codependency refers to relationships where you are a care taker of another person who is going through something challenging (addiction, mental health crisis etc.). You are being dependent. I was thinking about ctb while I was with him too, and I hated spending time with him (most of the time), but the relationship gave me a feeling of normalcy, and I did put more effort into other things too while I was in the relationship.

I felt unable to end the relationship too, but then I fell in love with someone else, and that motivated me to end this relationship, even though I did not enter a relationship with the person I fell for. But when I did fall in love, I realized that I shouldn't be with someone just for the sake of it. I feel better now that the relationship ended, but I am aware that my quality of life was probably a bit better while I was in it, at least it appeared so outwardly. Not sure what advice to give you. Be open to meeting new people.

 

[Ghost2211]

I see nothing wrong with it as long as you treat her with decency and respect, and don't miss lead her into thinking things will evolve to a level that they will not. I have never done this myself because I find that I am very lonely in a loveless relationship, so might as well be alone.

 

[stygal]

during my first attempts in the dating world I've wanted to be in a relationship so bad I went with the first person showing interest in me. he was my first bf for around 1 to 2 years. we liked each other but weren't crazy about each other. overall it wasn't that bad of a experience. some moments I actually wouldn't want to miss out on. we had deep conversations and went clubbing a few times.
so being with someone you don't have the deepest of connection with isn't necessarily bad. only if you lie to them and tell them you love you them/ lead them on - that's definitely a bad move.

 

[VivaldiBR]

How long have you been together? I've been with a guy I didn't even like for 8 months, for similar reasons, so I can definitely relate. I do not mean to be a nitpicking bitch, but codependency is not the right word for this, imo. Codependency refers to relationships where you are a care taker of another person who is going through something challenging (addiction, mental health crisis etc.). You are being dependent. I was thinking about ctb while I was with him too, and I hated spending time with him (most of the time), but the relationship gave me a feeling of normalcy, and I did put more effort into other things too while I was in the relationship.

I felt unable to end the relationship too, but then I fell in love with someone else, and that motivated me to end this relationship, even though I did not enter a relationship with the person I fell for. But when I did fall in love, I realized that I shouldn't be with someone just for the sake of it. I feel better now that the relationship ended, but I am aware that my quality of life was probably a bit better while I was in it, at least it appeared so outwardly. Not sure what advice to give you. Be open to meeting new people.

Yes. Its "depedency" the right word. You are correct.

Last year, when I ended a long relationship, I tried to meet new people through apps like tinder. However, even though I was true, honest, not desperate or needy, all women did not want to continue a more serious relationship with me because I was / am unemployed, living with my parents, going bald, etc. This may sound like a big cry, but I never had this difficulty before. Most of the people I fell in love with, were reciprocal. What has changed? I have nothing to offer other than my cultural and intellectual background, because I have no professional stability. And all my beauty is vanishing away.

I am interested, for example, in a woman 3 years older than I know, but she is a doctor and will hardly think about creating a more serious relationship with me. But I think she's incredible.

It is as if now I have to accept those who accept me under my current conditions, even if I am not in love with her. Thats how i see myself. Thats very hopeless.

During the last 18 months i've been rejected a lot. So i decided to start with someone that likes me.

 

[hoping to lose hope]

wowzers this sounds so tough OP and I do not think anyone can judge you at all ever.
maybe because you like are a NEET and stuff you will be more likely to meet your soulmate??
IDK what do you think
I have never felt lonely so cannot comment personally sorry op broken brain

 

[VivaldiBR]

wowzers this sounds so tough OP and I do not think anyone can judge you at all ever.
maybe because you like are a NEET and stuff you will be more likely to meet your soulmate??
IDK what do you think
I have never felt lonely so cannot comment personally sorry op broken brain

I am currently ending law school to become a lawyer at the end of 2020. Its my second degree. Thats why i have no job at the moment.

 

[hoping to lose hope]

I am currently ending law school to become a lawyer at the end of 2020. Its my second degree. Thats why i have no job at the moment.

wonce you get the cash money you will find gurls who will like you back but bee careful of them!!!
omg some girls so shallow

 

[VivaldiBR]

during my first attempts in the dating world I've wanted to be in a relationship so bad I went with the first person showing interest in me. he was my first bf for around 1 to 2 years. we liked each other but weren't crazy about each other. overall it wasn't that bad of a experience. some moments I actually wouldn't want to miss out on. we had deep conversations and went clubbing a few times.
so being with someone you don't have the deepest of connection with isn't necessarily bad. only if you lie to them and tell them you love you them/ lead them on - that's definitely a bad move.

Its a very good relationship. I enjoy her. She is interesting, kind, inteligent, pretty. Our sex is very good too, but im not in deep love. I dont feel that deep connection.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

Yes. Its "depedency" the right word. You are correct.

Last year, when I ended a long relationship, I tried to meet new people through apps like tinder. However, even though I was true, honest, not desperate or needy, all women did not want to continue a more serious relationship with me because I was / am unemployed, living with my parents, going bald, etc. This may sound like a big cry, but I never had this difficulty before. Most of the people I fell in love with, were reciprocal. What has changed? I have nothing to offer other than my cultural and intellectual background, because I have no professional stability. And all my beauty is vanishing away.

I am interested, for example, in a woman 3 years older than I know, but she is a doctor and will hardly think about creating a more serious relationship with me. But I think she's incredible.

It is as if now I have to accept those who accept me under my current conditions, even if I am not in love with her. Thats how i see myself. Thats very hopeless.

During the last 18 months i've been rejected a lot. So i decided to start with someone that likes me.

Aging is awful, I know. I cannot help you with the job and the fact that you are living with your parents, but regarding balding, you could always shave your head. I personally like that look in a man, it is sexy. Many women feel the same. I'd say, try to approach the doctor, you have nothing to lose. If she makes a decent amount of money for herself, she might not care whether you work or not. And it's not like you are a NEET who spends his time trolling online, watching anime and playing video games; you are in law school and you have many good qualities. Do not settle for less if you haven't given your best shot at trying to gain what you really want.

 

[Disappointered]

I'm guessing a lot of people have to compromise in relationships because life kicked them in the teeth. The unhappy end of the curve I guess. I've always been in it. It's not big deal as long as you're honest with her. Eventually you'll have a decent career and will be able to use that as social and cultural capital to attract women and ensure that they respect you.

 

[Weather]

It happens; we need human connection. I think as long as you aren't making a commitment to her (engagement, marriage, children, moving in together, general promises of "forever"), it's fine. You don't dislike her, so having someone to give you company seems ok as long as you aren't intentionally misleading her. Do what you need to in order to survive so long as it's not harming others.

I didn't realize you are still in law school. Law school is *the worst* and it can only be even more awful during a pandemic -- of course you're feeling terrible. It was by far my least favorite of my schooling (and I have an embarrassing amount of education). It's ok to cut yourself some slack. Also, you know what they say about baldness -- "no snow on the roof means there's a fire below!"

 

[VivaldiBR]

It happens; we need human connection. I think as long as you aren't making a commitment to her (engagement, marriage, children, moving in together, general promises of "forever"), it's fine. You don't dislike her, so having someone to give you company seems ok as long as you aren't intentionally misleading her. Do what you need to in order to survive so long as it's not harming others.

I didn't realize you are still in law school. Law school is *the worst* and it can only be even more awful during a pandemic -- of course you're feeling terrible. It was by far my least favorite of my schooling (and I have an embarrassing amount of education). It's ok to cut yourself some slack. Also, you know what they say about baldness -- "no snow on the roof means there's a fire below!"

I really like law school. Its very burocratic but I enjoy the human condition behind it. You are helping ppl so it's very rewarding.

Thanks for you kind words. It means a lot.

 

[VivaldiBR]

Our discussions are hell. And I just can't seem to end the relationship. And I should because being with a person you don't even love is so bad.

This never happened to me.

All the bad decisions I made led me to this situation. With all due comparisons, I feel like a submissive 50's wife who accepts to be in an abusive relationship because she has nowhere else to go.

CTB's will and ideation hit hard. I really hate my past me. I was so stupid.

If it weren't for my mother and sister, I think I would be well advanced in planning and executing the CTB, because i cant take this pain.

 

[sarahR]

Yes. But you always wake up with the feeling like, what is this guy doing in my bed. You then know it's not love.

 

[Rolliewoo]

In my own experience when I've continued a relationship with a person I'm not really into, I thought at the time it made me feel better like I was keeping the wolf from the door, but actually on reflection the energy and fakeness that went into keeping it going made my depression much worse....I just didn't realise cos I created a false sense of security for myself.... sometimes being with the wrong person can make you more lonely but you don't realise till your out of it

 

[sadbadpsychogirl]

it was more like co-dependency/convenience