Discussion Have you ever felt guilty over NOT committing CTB?

[Limerance]

Hey, I'm new here. Nice you meet you all!

So, basically, I just got this account because I had an interesting therapy session last weekend. We discussed different therapy methods we were using and stuff I should be doing, mostly related to exercising and other adaptive ways to vent my emotions.

However, I've never been able to commit fully to those things. I always feel bad when I try it, and not in a lazy or "why bother" way. Instead, I feel like I'm doing something wrong.

Well, last Saturday, my therapist and I ran into the conclusion that I was actually feeling guilty over trying to get better instead of committing to CTB or falling back into SH. I recently disposed of all my razors and stopped smoking at my place so that cutting or burning myself would be more difficult. Since then, every time something happens (and I can't rely on those methods) I snap, and not because of the trigger. Instead, I snap because I feel angry at myself for not being able to SH.

So, that's the question: I know guilt is a huge obstacle when considering/planning CTB. But, has anyone else felt guilty over NOT going through with it? I'm really interested in discussing this feeling, because I don't remember ever reading about it or seeing it discussed among other common CTB topics. Naturally, feel free to DM me about it as well. I'd like to keep exploring this topic since learning about it blew my mind.

TL;DR: I know feeling guilty over CTB is common, but has anyone felt guilt or a similar emotion for avoiding CTB or SH?

 

[jodes2]

Nope not felt guilty for not CTBing at all. Seems odd!

 

[Faejin]

While I am underqualified for the topic since I have never truly done self harm. This is because I was raised to feel ashamed of any weakness about anything so I just try to seem like I am staying strong, but I have done it on occasion and considered it on a lot more.

While maybe worded badly due to it going straight against my nature to admit this at all, but I feel like it could be quite likely that someone could self harm because they feel like they deserve it to atone for something. I personally did it on the few occasions I have because I thought I deserved it for being so weak or useless. I can see how someone can feel guilty for avoiding it.

 

[Limerance]

Nope not felt guilty for not CTBing at all. Seems odd!

Yeah, that's exactly why I'm interested in this conversation. I was blown away when I breached the topic with my therapist. It's basically a combination of feeling a need to punish myself and a genuine desire to CBT.

While I am underqualified for the topic since I have never truly done self harm. This is because I was raised to feel ashamed of any weakness about anything so I just try to seem like I am staying strong, but I have done it on occasion and considered it on a lot more.

While maybe worded badly due to it going straight against my nature to admit this at all, but I feel like it could be quite likely that someone could self harm because they feel like they deserve it to atone for something. I personally did it on the few occasions I have because I thought I deserved it for being so weak or useless. I can see how someone can feel guilty for avoiding it.

Yes, that feeling of deserving it is definitely a huge factor in it. I used to write off SH as a coping mechanism, but now I'm seeing it as an outlet for a need for punishment.

 

[exhaustedanonymous]

I do, atually. i feel obligated to kill myself because of the people i've stressed out or hurt. i think people would heal faster from the pain i inflicted on them if i was dead to give them some sort of closure and i think it would be for the better if i was dead. i feel guilty that even though i know eventually i will kill myself, right now im just taking up resources someone else who actually has a chance of recovery could be getting if i wasnt there taking up limited therapy spots or whatever. i feel really guilty that im not gone yet. i probably should be.

 

[VioletNight]

I used to think a lot that others deserve to live more than me and that I should die instead of them, not the same but kinda similar I guess.

 

[LavenderButterfly]

Never for SH, but sometimes for CTB. I guess it's because of thinking about being a burden on others all while being unable to change it or relief them at least. Or thinking about myself as being too weak-willed to actually CTB. Just makes you feel even more worthless that you can't beat even your primal survival instinct.

 

[Limerance]

I do, atually. i feel obligated to kill myself because of the people i've stressed out or hurt. i think people would heal faster from the pain i inflicted on them if i was dead to give them some sort of closure and i think it would be for the better if i was dead. i feel guilty that even though i know eventually i will kill myself, right now im just taking up resources someone else who actually has a chance of recovery could be getting if i wasnt there taking up limited therapy spots or whatever. i feel really guilty that im not gone yet. i probably should be.

That's exactly part of the feeling I get. I'm here if you want to talk about it. I actually feel better dedicating my time and attention to people who need it, so no need to feel guilty over it!

I used to think a lot that others deserve to live more than me and that I should die instead of them, not the same but kinda similar I guess.

But, does that happen with living people? Or those who have passed away?

Never for SH, but sometimes for CTB. I guess it's because of thinking about being a burden on others all while being unable to change it or relief them at least. Or thinking about myself as being too weak-willed to actually CTB. Just makes you feel even more worthless that you can't beat even your primal survival instinct.

I know that feeling. I blame the world view that CTB is an "easy" way out. Ends up making you feel weak for not being able to do something so "easy".

 

[VioletNight]

But, does that happen with living people? Or those who have passed away?

Living people who are going to die and those who've already passed.

 

[emptybox]

I told someone so I feel like if I don't do it soon enough I will look stupid and then no one will ever take it seriously. Shouldn't matter but it makes ME feel like I'm not serious with my plan. So I even feel obligated too

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Yes, because I know objectively I am a burden due to my plethora of chronic diseases. I can't really contribute anything to the world, am taking up precious resources that could be better diverted elsewhere, then on top of all that I make other people feel horrible by complaining too much and being overtly negative. I feel as if it's my moral duty to off myself at this point, it would be an act of altruism because objectively I just cause problems for other people.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I can't say that I have felt that. I wonder if it's more if someone keeps talking about it but not acting on it- 'The Boy who cried Wolf' type thing. I think you CAN feel pressured to act on something if you keep threatening it. Plus- I think there would be guilt there because- telling people will very likely make them worry. Almost like you want to put them (and you) out of your misery. Of course- it likely wouldn't actually make it easier for them if the person goes ahead with it.

I'm just guessing though. I haven't actually told my family or friends just how bad I feel now.

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

I do, atually. i feel obligated to kill myself because of the people i've stressed out or hurt. i think people would heal faster from the pain i inflicted on them if i was dead to give them some sort of closure and i think it would be for the better if i was dead. i feel guilty that even though i know eventually i will kill myself, right now im just taking up resources someone else who actually has a chance of recovery could be getting if i wasnt there taking up limited therapy spots or whatever. i feel really guilty that im not gone yet. i probably should be.

im the same way, guilt is my main reason for wanting to ctb. tho i have some selfish reasons too (which i also feel guilty about, ironically enough)

 

[exhaustedanonymous]

tho i have some selfish reasons too (which i also feel guilty about, ironically enough)

same, i mean. i feel like i have reasons for committing suicide, and i feel so guilty about those reasons that i want to commit suicide because of the guilt, and then on top of that i feel guilty for feeling so much pain over the things that are selfish that i would want to do something so extreme as committing, but then the guilt for that makes me want to do it more, and then on top of that, there's other reasons why leaving would just be better.. it's like layers. i don't have just one reason why i want to ctb, and the fact that there are reasons are reasons in itself. is that relatable? is that how you feel too?

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

same, i mean. i feel like i have reasons for committing suicide, and i feel so guilty about those reasons that i want to commit suicide because of the guilt, and then on top of that i feel guilty for feeling so much pain over the things that are selfish that i would want to do something so extreme as committing, but then the guilt for that makes me want to do it more, and then on top of that, there's other reasons why leaving would just be better.. it's like layers. i don't have just one reason why i want to ctb, and the fact that there are reasons are reasons in itself. is that relatable? is that how you feel too?

yeah thats exactly how i feel! i have lots of things to feel guilty about, which makes me feel like i should hurt myself and die which i already want to do for other reasons anyway. but then i feel guilty for hurting myself or trying to die. that guilt just keeps piling up. which just makes me feel like i should die more. its like a cycle

 

[SeeminglyFine]

Yes, i only pay for some of what i use/consume and im freeloading so my existence costs others, also often being negative and changing the vibes/topics of conversations to something depressing and unexpected but not being able to back it up or match my words to my actions with suicide is giving me a feeling of a coward who is a net negative and unable to even stop my own bad influence on others and my own suffering aswell.

Essentially feel like im doing myself a disservice by fighting the struggles to no avail instead of getting this over with
Especially since regardless of how hard i might try i will not succed with envisioning a light at the end of the tunnel, maybe a spark at best, which doesnt get me thrilled whatsoever.

 

[exhaustedanonymous]

that guilt just keeps piling up. which just makes me feel like i should die more. its like a cycle

exactly !!! and then people are always saying that you have to like. talk to people about it? if i don't tell anyone i feel shitty for keeping it holed up when maybe if i reached out i could actually get better maybe and not traumatize people by dying, but then when i talk about it, i feel guilty and shitty for talking about it because it's selfish, and then half the time they don't even really care, and then i feel guilty for talking to someone who didn't care, and then i feel guilty for.. man, i feel guilty for so much wtf. talking about this is making me rerealize that i have serious problems

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

exactly !!! and then people are always saying that you have to like. talk to people about it? if i don't tell anyone i feel shitty for keeping it holed up when maybe if i reached out i could actually get better maybe and not traumatize people by dying, but then when i talk about it, i feel guilty and shitty for talking about it because it's selfish, and then half the time they don't even really care, and then i feel guilty for talking to someone who didn't care, and then i feel guilty for.. man, i feel guilty for so much wtf. talking about this is making me rerealize that i have serious problems

yeah!!! same. like already feeling guilty, and then feeling guilty for hiding it or for talking abt it. just guilt no matter what. like i apologize a lot and ppl tell me not to say sorry so much, but i feel bad if i dont. and i feel bad if i say sorry again bc i was told not to. sometimes i just shutdown and dont speak at all, but then i feel bad for that!

 

[missingpeace]

I feel more frustration rather than guilt, that Im wasting time and taking so long to actually go through with it..

 

[The Eeyorish One]

Yeah I feel guilty for not going through with it all the time. Mainly because I know I'm just a drain on resources from the people that care and that it would be better long term to just rip the band aid off and get it over with. Also though, if I had been one of the people who have been here a long time with a lot of posts when YouTubers or news people did hit pieces on us I'd also feel guilty from all the people casting doubt on them since "obviously if they really wanted to ctb they would've done so already, they're actually just sickos". People just don't understand how hard it is to successfully ctb.

 

[lionetta12]

Hey, I'm new here. Nice you meet you all!

So, basically, I just got this account because I had an interesting therapy session last weekend. We discussed different therapy methods we were using and stuff I should be doing, mostly related to exercising and other adaptive ways to vent my emotions.

However, I've never been able to commit fully to those things. I always feel bad when I try it, and not in a lazy or "why bother" way. Instead, I feel like I'm doing something wrong.

Well, last Saturday, my therapist and I ran into the conclusion that I was actually feeling guilty over trying to get better instead of committing to CTB or falling back into SH. I recently disposed of all my razors and stopped smoking at my place so that cutting or burning myself would be more difficult. Since then, every time something happens (and I can't rely on those methods) I snap, and not because of the trigger. Instead, I snap because I feel angry at myself for not being able to SH.

So, that's the question: I know guilt is a huge obstacle when considering/planning CTB. But, has anyone else felt guilty over NOT going through with it? I'm really interested in discussing this feeling, because I don't remember ever reading about it or seeing it discussed among other common CTB topics. Naturally, feel free to DM me about it as well. I'd like to keep exploring this topic since learning about it blew my mind.

TL;DR: I know feeling guilty over CTB is common, but has anyone felt guilt or a similar emotion for avoiding CTB or SH?

jesus that profile picture terrifies me, made me jump in my chair.

 

[Ultracheese]

It's interesting to read the variety of different answers. I feel very guilty over not CTBing because I believe I'm objectively a burden. But I also feel guilt over wanting to CTB. So I don't really feel positive about the situation no matter what. The ideal situation would be to minimize my issues as much as possible and be able to lead a productive, independent life, but I'm not sure if I'm capable of that.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Yes, because I am just mooching off the world's resources.

 

[itsallpointless]

yea i should have jumped when i first planned to at 8 y/o. had to psycho spook myself with the suicide victims go to hell doctrine from christianity to dissuade myself from doing it. Also really wanted to protect my mom from emotional hurt. In hindsight, since I'm here today, I should have relieved myself from the suffering and gotten it over and done with.

 

[HayBunny23]

I do. I feel like everything bad that happened from the moment of my first suicide attempt fail is my fault. Especially since I've dragged so many people into my life who don't deserve to be because of past efforts to "get better" and "move on". I know that I have caused WAY more harm than I would have if I had killed myself back then. Feels like crap.

 

[AloneInCollege]

Yeah all the time, I feel like the lives of most people around me would improve at least a little after I off myself.

 

[sleepydreamer]

exactly !!! and then people are always saying that you have to like. talk to people about it? if i don't tell anyone i feel shitty for keeping it holed up when maybe if i reached out i could actually get better maybe and not traumatize people by dying, but then when i talk about it, i feel guilty and shitty for talking about it because it's selfish, and then half the time they don't even really care, and then i feel guilty for talking to someone who didn't care, and then i feel guilty for.. man, i feel guilty for so much wtf. talking about this is making me rerealize that i have serious problems

oh, i get that :') people want to know what's happening with me and i care about them so i don't want to lie to them, so i occasionally have hinted that i'm suicidal but most of the time i just scare them, and i feel like shit for causing them pain. i've stopped telling people (save for one or two friends that are in a similar mindset, but i don't, like "update" them about my lows, they just know i'm not ok) but that just makes me feel like i'm drowning, it's such a hopeless feeling to know you can't share your worst pains with your closest people. as for offing myself, i have felt guilty for not doing it in the past, but because it made me feel like i wasn't "serious" about it, not because my existence was hurting someone like others have said, i was too selfish to think about anyone else. i just felt like i was a fraud and i felt ashamed, i thought i was "disrespecting" other people that are suicidal because i wasn't willing to do it like them. i didn't harm myself either (i started smoking in an attempt to damage my body SOMEHOW) and that was another thing i felt ashamed or guilty about, for the same reasons, i felt like i didn't really "mean it", and that my pain isn't valid because my "actions didn't show it" (idk wtf was going through my brain, holy shit)

 

[EndlessDream]

I feel guilty for hurting others or behaving weirdly, and feel like I need to rid myself from the world. I feel guilty for not researching as hard or trying as hard to CTB since I feel like I'm just prolonging my death when it can be done so much quicker.

 

[novem]

Hey, I'm new here. Nice you meet you all!

So, basically, I just got this account because I had an interesting therapy session last weekend. We discussed different therapy methods we were using and stuff I should be doing, mostly related to exercising and other adaptive ways to vent my emotions.

However, I've never been able to commit fully to those things. I always feel bad when I try it, and not in a lazy or "why bother" way. Instead, I feel like I'm doing something wrong.

Well, last Saturday, my therapist and I ran into the conclusion that I was actually feeling guilty over trying to get better instead of committing to CTB or falling back into SH. I recently disposed of all my razors and stopped smoking at my place so that cutting or burning myself would be more difficult. Since then, every time something happens (and I can't rely on those methods) I snap, and not because of the trigger. Instead, I snap because I feel angry at myself for not being able to SH.

So, that's the question: I know guilt is a huge obstacle when considering/planning CTB. But, has anyone else felt guilty over NOT going through with it? I'm really interested in discussing this feeling, because I don't remember ever reading about it or seeing it discussed among other common CTB topics. Naturally, feel free to DM me about it as well. I'd like to keep exploring this topic since learning about it blew my mind.

TL;DR: I know feeling guilty over CTB is common, but has anyone felt guilt or a similar emotion for avoiding CTB or SH?

I feel guilty bc. doing it sooner will be less painful than procrastinating and losing the peaceful method. But I feel like a chicken.

 

[Exiled spirit]

No because I don't think I'm obligated to ctb.