Discussion Have you ever felt a need to damage yourself as much as possible?

[Limerance]

I've struggled with self-harm for about 12 years now, but it was usually relatively mild: hitting myself, scratching but not to the point of cutting, etc.

However, I started cutting about a year and a half or so ago, and since then, I feel like the need to damage myself further keeps growing. For example, right now I have this urge to go buy razor blades and start cutting my face because I know it'll damage me even more and more noticeably. The same has happened with stuff like scarification, skin hooking, peeling. Sometimes I think about how can I disfigure myself, stuff like that. Emotional self-abuse is also on that list; it's rarer, but I've done things like breaking up with an ex during a depressive episode just to see how bad I could feel.

That said, it has nothing to do with CTB. The need is for damaging myself as much as possible without actually dying.

To clarify, yes, I have BPD and until a couple of weeks ago, I didn't even let myself get near anything sharp unless I'm with someone else. So, perhaps is some sort of withdrawal effect. Has anyone else felt that way?

TL;DR: Sometimes, I get the urge to hurt myself as much as possible, including dysfiguration, but not to the point of killing myself. I specifically want to experience as much pain as possible, but it's not related to CTB. Has anyone else experienced this?

 

[hikikomorizombie]

i've def had urges to damage/hurt myself as much as possible, but for diff reasons. for me it's bc i can't seem to rlly feel anything anymore unless it's external stimulation, like physical pain :p so i think that's why i get such strong urges. i also rlly like seeing my blood, which is partially why i used to cut, & watching the damage i inflicted heal. something abt that was always soothing to me.

 

[Limerance]

i've def had urges to damage/hurt myself as much as possible, but for diff reasons. for me it's bc i can't seem to rlly feel anything anymore unless it's external stimulation, like physical pain :p so i think that's why i get such strong urges. i also rlly like seeing my blood, which is partially why i used to cut, & watching the damage i inflicted heal. something abt that was always soothing to me.

Yeah, my reasons for SH seem to change like every year or so. I know I started out of self-hate, but since then, I've done it when I'm extremely apathetic towards everything or to distract myself from emotional stress., which is most often the reason.

Any tips on coping with it? Sometimes it's just unbearable and I can't focus on anything, which lately has been getting in the way of work.

 

[hikikomorizombie]

Any tips on coping with it? Sometimes it's just unbearable and I can't focus on anything, which lately has been getting in the way of work.

for me the cliche rubberband thing actually worked. wear a rubberband around ur wrist & snap it against ur skin whenever u get the urge/thoughts to cut. ofc it doesn't compare to cutting, but it does provide a temp sting, & if u snap it long + hard enough it'll leave bruising to satisfy the seeing damage part of ur brain.

 

[pochii]

I feel you. I have a lot of thoughts of hurting myself worse than my normal cutting, including cutting in more noticeable places like my face/neck/chest or longer/deeper cuts. I also totally feel you about putting yourself in bad situations or making situations worse on purpose to hurt yourself mentally and I do it all the time.
The only things that ever seem to distract me from stuff like that is becoming like addicted to a hobby. Whether it be a game or something creative in real life. Though I know how hard it is to find something like that. I mostly only am into something for a small amount of time and i need to find something else.
I wish the very best for you <3

for me the cliche rubberband thing actually worked. wear a rubberband around ur wrist & snap it against ur skin whenever u get the urge/thoughts to cut. ofc it doesn't compare to cutting, but it does provide a temp sting, & if u snap it long + hard enough it'll leave bruising to satisfy the seeing damage part of ur brain.

I have also tried this ^^ It for sure works for some people and is worth trying out :)

 

[Limerance]

for me the cliche rubberband thing actually worked. wear a rubberband around ur wrist & snap it against ur skin whenever u get the urge/thoughts to cut. ofc it doesn't compare to cutting, but it does provide a temp sting, & if u snap it long + hard enough it'll leave bruising to satisfy the seeing damage part of ur brain.

I'll have to try that. I didn't quite believe the sting was enough, but it's worth a shot if it worked for you. Thanks!

I feel you. I have a lot of thoughts of hurting myself worse than my normal cutting, including cutting in more noticeable places like my face/neck/chest or longer/deeper cuts. I also totally feel you about putting yourself in bad situations or making situations worse on purpose to hurt yourself mentally and I do it all the time.
The only things that ever seem to distract me from stuff like that is becoming like addicted to a hobby. Whether it be a game or something creative in real life. Though I know how hard it is to find something like that. I mostly only am into something for a small amount of time and i need to find something else.
I wish the very best for you <3

I have also tried this ^^ It for sure works for some people and is worth trying out :)

Yeah, I'm actually addicted to a particular video game, which funilly enough, has caused my friends to get pissed at me because I just don't want to play the same games as them. It's like that single game is the only thing that feels like anything related to fun for me.

At least it seems I'm trying the right things. Thank you so much.

 

[Account4521]

I had to fight the urge to run i front of a truck. I walked past the highway a couple years ago and i only thought about how nice it would feel to get completely run over by the huge trucks

 

[Limerance]

I had to fight the urge to run i front of a truck. I walked past the highway a couple years ago and i only thought about how nice it would feel to get completely run over by the huge trucks

Huh, I actually had something similar happen to me before Christmas. I was taking a ride on my bike when I basically threw myself at a car because I saw it turn a corner towards me.

He hit the brakes, though, and I faced an embarassing fall when I hit the sidewalk.

 

[Account4521]

When you are suicidal you could end up killing yourself impulsive and without thinking alot about it but when you feel like life is worthless you could start to be recles in everything you do. When i rode my ebike to school i would change directions without using any traffic lights and just wanted a car to hit me and end my life. There were this straight road in rural land where big semitrailer would drive by regularly and i would drive towards them at full speed and then the truck would just drive out of the road and just stop there in shock. You play with your life when you deep down are tired of it .

 

[cold_severance]

yeah i have that since at least kindergarten. though i never went for cutting, since i generally have a different mindset while doing it. if you give me a knife in that state, I'll just stab myself.