I have a sister. And yes I think I was the favorite child from my parents. I think especially from my mom. But I think my dad also wanted to have a son. He wanted this exact gender. Damn he would have been such a bad parent if I belonged to the LGBTQI+ community. Honestly I think he would have hated me for it and would have never accepted that.
Yeah my parents are stupid as shit. They abused their children and ruined their lives. My parents have so stupid prejudices and I believed many of them as a child which shaped my world view to that time.
It is quite sick. I think my mom always prefered me. And exactly due to that fact she abused me even more. (beated me up every single day.) I think she wanted me to flourish. She has seen me as too weak and fragile. She wanted to harden me for the rough world. She basically contributed to my extreme vulnerable mind. She reached the exact opposite what was her intention. I think she always wanted that I get a good-paid job. Yeah also here. The opposite will happen. I will probably kill me due to the fact that my conditions are so crippling so that I will dependent on welfare for the rest of my life.
I can remember it. My mom beated me in the car after school when I was in primary school. I started crying like after every time she beated me. She also started crying because I cried. This is so fucking sick. I think my mom considered it as her dutty to harden me up. What a sick fucking joke.
I always was and am more dependent on her compared to my sister. I am still weak. And one reason for that is I am just not independent. I think one reason for that is I am kind of lazy concerning this issue but the other reason is: I just cannot handle more duties. I am at the edge of a collapse due to college. I just cannot handle more responsibilities. My brain is very unstable. If I was more resilient I would rather consider to become more independent. But currently I am thinking. why should do that? Who do I have to prove that? If I had a gf I would become more independent in order not to be seen as a child. But my illness ruined every attempt to get a girlfriend so far. I concentrate instead to get my college degree.
But I think even if I got the degree. I am pretty sure I still can't work. There is still the little off-chance that I might succeed. This is why I try it. And it is a good distraction and running away from my problems is more comfortable than to face them. But I think if I had a job I could never do all the responsibilities one has to do as an adult. I just don't have the capacitiy to concentrate on household and college/job. I think this is pathological. I often have one goal in my mind. And I dedicate my whole energy into reaching it. I think this stems from manic parts of my brain. I am currently not in a manic epsiode but I am aware that my mind is fucking with me. I am pretty sure it will backfire in the future. (Going to college) It is rather am matter of time. I think during my manias I might could become close to starving if noone goes into the grocery shop for me. This is a little bit exaggerated. But when I focus on a goal I sometimes fade out what is happening around me. I don't notice room temperature, sometimes I forget to eat (only when very manic) and clear the garbage.
This is all pretty off-topic. Maybe to come back to my initial topic. I think the fact that I was the favorite child rather backfired. Though it also must be horrible to feel like the child who is just the second choice. (Not sure if you translate it this way.) I talked with my sister about it some years ago. It hurt her pretty much not feeling as much loved as me. It is true I got some priviliges compared to her. But I think one reason was I was younger. There is something interesting my sister told me. Before I was born my mother seemingly was never violent. Only after I was born she started the abuse. I think she was overstrained with the burden to care for two kids and having an husband who just does not care for them.
But if you cannot handle it don't bring two sentient human beings in this world. God fucking damn it. Who fucking abuses his children so hard and thinks it was the best for them. Noone intervened. Noone stopped her. And everyone in my family pretends they never saw it. Fucking liars.
Yeah my parents are stupid as shit. They abused their children and ruined their lives. My parents have so stupid prejudices and I believed many of them as a child which shaped my world view to that time.
It is quite sick. I think my mom always prefered me. And exactly due to that fact she abused me even more. (beated me up every single day.) I think she wanted me to flourish. She has seen me as too weak and fragile. She wanted to harden me for the rough world. She basically contributed to my extreme vulnerable mind. She reached the exact opposite what was her intention. I think she always wanted that I get a good-paid job. Yeah also here. The opposite will happen. I will probably kill me due to the fact that my conditions are so crippling so that I will dependent on welfare for the rest of my life.
I can remember it. My mom beated me in the car after school when I was in primary school. I started crying like after every time she beated me. She also started crying because I cried. This is so fucking sick. I think my mom considered it as her dutty to harden me up. What a sick fucking joke.
I always was and am more dependent on her compared to my sister. I am still weak. And one reason for that is I am just not independent. I think one reason for that is I am kind of lazy concerning this issue but the other reason is: I just cannot handle more duties. I am at the edge of a collapse due to college. I just cannot handle more responsibilities. My brain is very unstable. If I was more resilient I would rather consider to become more independent. But currently I am thinking. why should do that? Who do I have to prove that? If I had a gf I would become more independent in order not to be seen as a child. But my illness ruined every attempt to get a girlfriend so far. I concentrate instead to get my college degree.
But I think even if I got the degree. I am pretty sure I still can't work. There is still the little off-chance that I might succeed. This is why I try it. And it is a good distraction and running away from my problems is more comfortable than to face them. But I think if I had a job I could never do all the responsibilities one has to do as an adult. I just don't have the capacitiy to concentrate on household and college/job. I think this is pathological. I often have one goal in my mind. And I dedicate my whole energy into reaching it. I think this stems from manic parts of my brain. I am currently not in a manic epsiode but I am aware that my mind is fucking with me. I am pretty sure it will backfire in the future. (Going to college) It is rather am matter of time. I think during my manias I might could become close to starving if noone goes into the grocery shop for me. This is a little bit exaggerated. But when I focus on a goal I sometimes fade out what is happening around me. I don't notice room temperature, sometimes I forget to eat (only when very manic) and clear the garbage.
This is all pretty off-topic. Maybe to come back to my initial topic. I think the fact that I was the favorite child rather backfired. Though it also must be horrible to feel like the child who is just the second choice. (Not sure if you translate it this way.) I talked with my sister about it some years ago. It hurt her pretty much not feeling as much loved as me. It is true I got some priviliges compared to her. But I think one reason was I was younger. There is something interesting my sister told me. Before I was born my mother seemingly was never violent. Only after I was born she started the abuse. I think she was overstrained with the burden to care for two kids and having an husband who just does not care for them.
But if you cannot handle it don't bring two sentient human beings in this world. God fucking damn it. Who fucking abuses his children so hard and thinks it was the best for them. Noone intervened. Noone stopped her. And everyone in my family pretends they never saw it. Fucking liars.
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