Been thinking about all of this a lot and more and more I realize what I actually want.
There are, of course, the obvious, specific things that I want. Such as to be able to go back and have things turn out differently with my previous girlfriend. Or being able to change how my college career went. Stuff like that. But what I want more deeply is more general than that.
I want to be a different person. I want to look different, especially. I want to live a different life. I don't want to live with the trauma that I have. I don't want to have the painful memories that I have anymore. I want to live in a different place and have a different situation. I want a different past and a different future. The only thing I'd want to carry over is I'd want to be with my previous girlfriend again, but have it turn out differently.
So, yeah, what I really want to be is an entirely different person with an entirely different life. That's what I deeply, truly want.
I can't have that though. It's impossible. Just simply impossible on a basic level. I can never be a different person or have things out differently. I can only die and finally free myself from the suffering this life has given me.
I will say, I'm able to say: It hasn't all been bad.
I go back and forth on whether I wish I'd been born to some degree. I know I wish I'd been born a different, more attractive person with different parents and circumstances. But if I had to be born as me, do I regret it?
I'm not sure. The bad has far outweighed the good in my life in pure quantity at least. But there have been good moments. Moments during which I was happy to be alive. Not many, I can probably count them on one hand and if not that then at least on two, but they did happen. And I think I can look back and be satisfied about that, at least.
The boat trip with my first girlfriend, going to my first festival with her, laying in the field at a different festival with my previous girlfriend. The three happiest moments of my life did happen and I cherish them, even as it hurts so much that I can never have more moments like that.
I wish that when I did it and drank deep that I would go to sleep and wake up in a different life as a different person. That would be so great.
There are, of course, the obvious, specific things that I want. Such as to be able to go back and have things turn out differently with my previous girlfriend. Or being able to change how my college career went. Stuff like that. But what I want more deeply is more general than that.
I want to be a different person. I want to look different, especially. I want to live a different life. I don't want to live with the trauma that I have. I don't want to have the painful memories that I have anymore. I want to live in a different place and have a different situation. I want a different past and a different future. The only thing I'd want to carry over is I'd want to be with my previous girlfriend again, but have it turn out differently.
So, yeah, what I really want to be is an entirely different person with an entirely different life. That's what I deeply, truly want.
I can't have that though. It's impossible. Just simply impossible on a basic level. I can never be a different person or have things out differently. I can only die and finally free myself from the suffering this life has given me.
I will say, I'm able to say: It hasn't all been bad.
I go back and forth on whether I wish I'd been born to some degree. I know I wish I'd been born a different, more attractive person with different parents and circumstances. But if I had to be born as me, do I regret it?
I'm not sure. The bad has far outweighed the good in my life in pure quantity at least. But there have been good moments. Moments during which I was happy to be alive. Not many, I can probably count them on one hand and if not that then at least on two, but they did happen. And I think I can look back and be satisfied about that, at least.
The boat trip with my first girlfriend, going to my first festival with her, laying in the field at a different festival with my previous girlfriend. The three happiest moments of my life did happen and I cherish them, even as it hurts so much that I can never have more moments like that.
I wish that when I did it and drank deep that I would go to sleep and wake up in a different life as a different person. That would be so great.
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