Venting Hate how I'm basically forced to keep on living because of a lack of an access to a good method, and I'm young and dumb.

[ConfusedHurting2632]

The reason I don't wanna live is because in my opinion this is simply just not a very good world (full of hatred and murder and the such), and from my point of view it just has nothing to offer me. My own personal life hasn't been the worst if we're talking in terms of events (as in nothing particularly tragic happened, I wasn't raped or anything, didn't experience my loved ones get murdered, etc; but I was often rejected by my peers a lot), but I was frequently sad at age 6 in Kindergarten, began facing depression at age 13, and had my first suicide attempts at age 17. Today I'm age 20, with a birthday coming up quite soon on July the 20th, and still haven't found any reason to live. Because what's the point of living if I always feel so apathetic and can't get pleasure out of anything?

The methods I tried were arguably pretty dumb, or really dumb depending on your standards, with probably around a 0% chance of success, but I was desperate and looking for any method that at least looked like in theory they could work. I tried tying a plastic bag around my head. I couldn't handle the pain, and eventually just took the bag off. I tried drowning myself in the bathtub. Again, I couldn't hold my breath under the water that long. I tried hanging myself from the doorknob with a belt formed to make a circle around my neck...I sat there for like an hour or two and no results besides the mark (temporary) from the belt on my neck. I tried cutting my arms, but I could never make more than very superficial cuts similar to cat scratches, that barely even bled. I tried to go deeper on my wrists but just couldn't do it.

I swear, or ignorantly swear, if only I had access to a gun or something this whole thing would've been so much easier, and I wouldn't have to resort to the 0% chance methods I described above. I'm aware a gun isn't necessarily 100% foolproof either, but it at least seems more hopeful than the dumbass methods I've been trying.

As for my current living situation, I graduated high school at age 18 the year 2020, and haven't really been doing anything since. I live with my parents and don't work or go to school or anything. I imagine having no money of my own or anything doesn't exactly help with finding methods. I'm also dumb and lazy in general, and can barely bring myself to read a few sentences of anything, for example. I also can rarely ever bring myself to go outside or leave the house. I live in Orlando, Florida if it matters anything at all.

Till I'm finally able to die, I just keep praying some criminal breaks into my house and shoots me, or that I somehow get sick and get cancer and die, just anything so I don't have to live anymore.

And yeah...that's about it. I rarely post anything, and when I do it's mainly just for myself, but still, I hope not any part of my post offended anyone, and I apologize if it did.

 

[Zegers]

Sorry for your situation, living in a nice place like Florida, it must be very hard to be in such a bad situation, life for some people is hellish.

 

[swab]

Wow this whole thing really resonates with me. I too am probably too young and full of wasted potential. to die having hadnothing majorly makng me want to kill myself. In this flawed world only pain will be brought upon every person out there. Society is a real bitch for trying to make this existence bearable.

I do hope for you that you are able to find a way to either end it peacefully or maybe find something life could offer even if it is something minuscule. Eitherway I hope you get out of this strange situation you're in of living and dying.

 

[ConfusedHurting2632]

Wow this whole thing really resonates with me. I too am probably too young and full of wasted potential. to die having hadnothing majorly makng me want to kill myself. In this flawed world only pain will be brought upon every person out there. Society is a real bitch for trying to make this existence bearable.

I do hope for you that you are able to find a way to either end it peacefully or maybe find something life could offer even if it is something minuscule. Eitherway I hope you get out of this strange situation you're in of living and dying.

Well I'm glad my post resonates with someone. Too young and full of wasted potential seems to be about right for me as well. I also agree with your point about only pain being brought upon every person out there, well said. And yes, fuck society for not letting us have peaceful ways out.

Thank you very much! I too hope I can end it peacefully or find something life could offer, even if miniscule. I wish the best for you as well, whether that's ending it peacefully or finding a reason to live.

Sorry for your situation, living in a nice place like Florida, it must be very hard to be in such a bad situation, life for some people is hellish.

I'm not quite sure how to approach this post, as I'm unsure if I'm reading it wrong or if you're being sarcastic or mocking me or whatever, but I will assume the best and not approach with hostility.

For Florida, depending on how you look at it, it can be a very good place or a very bad place. There are definitely much worse places to live in the world, no doubt about that. But then again, Florida is too hot and often made fun of for having crazy people, and is one of the most made fun of places in the USA.

But I will say that life can be hellish regardless of where one lives, though some places can be much more hellish than others.

Though if you're trying to say to be grateful for what I have because a lot of people have it way worse, I guess you are right.

 

[FuneralCry]

The fear of failing ctb and limited access to methods is the only reason as to why I am still alive. I think that if it was easier for me to leave, I would already be gone. To me a peaceful, reliable and guaranteed way to exit this world should be a human right, no one should have to attempt risky methods or even research methods in the first place.

I understand your feelings about this world, this life really is so cruel and unfair and I want nothing to do with this life at all. I personally do not see life as being worth living. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from your suffering.

 

[Doombox]

Well you aren't too dumb, because you managed to graduate from high school. Have you ever had any treatment at all, or been on meds? How is your relationship with your parents? Ignore if you don't want to answer.

 

[toasterbath]

The fear of failing ctb and limited access to methods is the only reason as to why I am still alive. I think that if it was easier for me to leave, I would already be gone. To me a peaceful, reliable and guaranteed way to exit this world should be a human right, no one should have to attempt risky methods or even research methods in the first place.

I understand your feelings about this world, this life really is so cruel and unfair and I want nothing to do with this life at all. I personally do not see life as being worth living. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from your suffering.

same i feel so brain dead, anxious, and stupid these days that i definitely fear failing a CTB. there's just so many variables to account for and the risk of being a brain dead vegetable is what scares me the most. i wish euthanasia was more accessible worldwide or at least better mental health treatment and social benefits. it is so cruel for those of us being forced to exist when all we feel is suffering.

 

[Sittichmutter]

The reason I don't wanna live is because in my opinion this is simply just not a very good world (full of hatred and murder and the such), and from my point of view it just has nothing to offer me. My own personal life hasn't been the worst if we're talking in terms of events (as in nothing particularly tragic happened, I wasn't raped or anything, didn't experience my loved ones get murdered, etc; but I was often rejected by my peers a lot), but I was frequently sad at age 6 in Kindergarten, began facing depression at age 13, and had my first suicide attempts at age 17. Today I'm age 20, with a birthday coming up quite soon on July the 20th, and still haven't found any reason to live. Because what's the point of living if I always feel so apathetic and can't get pleasure out of anything?

The methods I tried were arguably pretty dumb, or really dumb depending on your standards, with probably around a 0% chance of success, but I was desperate and looking for any method that at least looked like in theory they could work. I tried tying a plastic bag around my head. I couldn't handle the pain, and eventually just took the bag off. I tried drowning myself in the bathtub. Again, I couldn't hold my breath under the water that long. I tried hanging myself from the doorknob with a belt formed to make a circle around my neck...I sat there for like an hour or two and no results besides the mark (temporary) from the belt on my neck. I tried cutting my arms, but I could never make more than very superficial cuts similar to cat scratches, that barely even bled. I tried to go deeper on my wrists but just couldn't do it.

I swear, or ignorantly swear, if only I had access to a gun or something this whole thing would've been so much easier, and I wouldn't have to resort to the 0% chance methods I described above. I'm aware a gun isn't necessarily 100% foolproof either, but it at least seems more hopeful than the dumbass methods I've been trying.

As for my current living situation, I graduated high school at age 18 the year 2020, and haven't really been doing anything since. I live with my parents and don't work or go to school or anything. I imagine having no money of my own or anything doesn't exactly help with finding methods. I'm also dumb and lazy in general, and can barely bring myself to read a few sentences of anything, for example. I also can rarely ever bring myself to go outside or leave the house. I live in Orlando, Florida if it matters anything at all.

Till I'm finally able to die, I just keep praying some criminal breaks into my house and shoots me, or that I somehow get sick and get cancer and die, just anything so I don't have to live anymore.

And yeah...that's about it. I rarely post anything, and when I do it's mainly just for myself, but still, I hope not any part of my post offended anyone, and I apologize if it did.

Dear ConfusedHurting, I do not think you are dumb, nor lazy. It sounds like you are really depressed. Depression twists our perception and paralyze Us. Please, look for help.

 

[ConfusedHurting2632]

The fear of failing ctb and limited access to methods is the only reason as to why I am still alive. I think that if it was easier for me to leave, I would already be gone. To me a peaceful, reliable and guaranteed way to exit this world should be a human right, no one should have to attempt risky methods or even research methods in the first place.

I understand your feelings about this world, this life really is so cruel and unfair and I want nothing to do with this life at all. I personally do not see life as being worth living. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from your suffering.

Yes, I can totally relate to that. If it was easier for me to leave, I would definitely already be gone. Yes, I also agree that a peaceful exit should be a human right. It's such bullshit that it isn't.

I'm glad you can understand my feelings about this world. I also don't see life as worth living. Thank you for wishing relief from my suffering. I wish you relief from your suffering as well.

Well you aren't too dumb, because you managed to graduate from high school. Have you ever had any treatment at all, or been on meds? How is your relationship with your parents? Ignore if you don't want to answer.

Thank you for that first part. You're right, I guess graduating high school is not a feat everyone can accomplish. My grades in 11th and 12th grade were kind of a rough finish, but graduating is still graduating.

The worst part is that I actually did have treatment...it started at age 18. I've been through 5 therapists, and been on 6 different medications. It was a part of a program called Aspire Health Partners, that offers free and/or affordable mental health services, and I'm not sure how it compares to more expensive ones. But either way, the treatment didn't really seem to help. Therapy seemed to help in the short run, to have someone to talk to...but in the long run it didn't really seem to help. As for medications, they either did seemingly nothing, or made me worse/introduced new problems. The worst one being Effexor XR 150mg that made me very aggressive and violent for no reason.

My relationship with my parents...it's somewhat complicated. It seems to sort of go up and down over time. Sometimes we would fight a lot, but other times things would just be chill. As of late I guess things have been chill, since there's been no source of conflict. I also am admittedly quite self-centered and don't focus too much on my parents or other people, but that's about all I can say at the moment.
Thank you so much for saying you don't think I'm dumb, nor lazy. It may sound simple, but hearing that does make my day the least bit better. Yes, I've been dealing with depression for a long time, and it really is a bitch. The worst part is I actually did start receiving help at age 18, and have been through 5 therapists and 6 medications, but none of it really helped me in the long run, and the medications in particular made me worse. So I'm not quite sure what to do anymore.

 

[Doombox]

Thank you for that first part. You're right, I guess graduating high school is not a feat everyone can accomplish. My grades in 11th and 12th grade were kind of a rough finish, but graduating is still graduating.

The worst part is that I actually did have treatment...it started at age 18. I've been through 5 therapists, and been on 6 different medications. It was a part of a program called Aspire Health Partners, that offers free and/or affordable mental health services, and I'm not sure how it compares to more expensive ones. But either way, the treatment didn't really seem to help. Therapy seemed to help in the short run, to have someone to talk to...but in the long run it didn't really seem to help. As for medications, they either did seemingly nothing, or made me worse/introduced new problems. The worst one being Effexor XR 150mg that made me very aggressive and violent for no reason.

My relationship with my parents...it's somewhat complicated. It seems to sort of go up and down over time. Sometimes we would fight a lot, but other times things would just be chill. As of late I guess things have been chill, since there's been no source of conflict. I also am admittedly quite self-centered and don't focus too much on my parents or other people, but that's about all I can say at the moment.
Thank you so much for saying you don't think I'm dumb, nor lazy. It may sound simple, but hearing that does make my day the least bit better. Yes, I've been dealing with depression for a long time, and it really is a bitch. The worst part is I actually did start receiving help at age 18, and have been through 5 therapists and 6 medications, but none of it really helped me in the long run, and the medications in particular made me worse. So I'm not quite sure what to do anymore.

Yes, graduating is definitely still graduating! You are an articulate writer; you come across as quite bright. You may find it difficult to read (I do too...I think social media has trashed my attention span) but I encourage you to continue writing. There's a statistic going around today that 57% of adult Americans can't read at a sixth grade level and you clearly aren't in that unfortunate majority.

I hated Effexor, too. It gave me this weird derealization. It was probably the weirdest side effect I've ever had. I hate having to deal with med side effects. I'm sorry to hear that you haven't been able to find anything that helps. Do you do a lot of doomscrolling? I find that I have to be careful about what I get into (on twitter or whatever) so that stuff I have no control over in the news doesn't wreck my mind.