Discussion Has Work (or lack thereof) Contributed to Your Suicidality?

[almaranthine]

For months I was unemployed and this made me very suicidal (well, more than is normal for me I suppose). I finally got a job... simple part-time retail cashier position at a supposedly "good" company. I am terrible at this job. Truly floored by how bad I was at this task. I knew it would be monotonous and stressful because of the customers but I genuinely didn't think I would perform so badly. Here's a brief list of things I royally fucked up during my literal training the first few shifts.
- I somehow managed to make a mysterious $140 charge appear on a woman's transaction (it said "coupon book" and no one, including the supervisor had any idea what it was or how I managed to add it to the sale) and didn't even notice the price jump.
-I somehow miscounted $120 as $140 and even though the sale was literally under $120 I didn't process this. The customer was an old man there with his wife, was confused, then doubted himself thinking he really gave me an extra $20, took it, left his phone number just in case, and then had to come back to the store a few minutes later after they audited my drawer and confirmed how terribly I fucked up.
- I thought a nectarine was a peach and was loudly called out by the customer for ringing it up incorrectly. This one really fucked with me as I *was* sure I knew the difference between these two fucking fruits, but apparently not.
- A manager came up to buy his lunch, and had a fountain drink in his hand... by looking at it I had no idea what size the cup was (by fluid ounces) and didn't want to ask him, stared blankly at the screen for a few seconds until the girl training me kindly selected the right one.
- Realized I have no conceptualization of volume at all... after having multiple people in my line with various sizes of water containers, bags of pet food, ice etc and having no fucking clue what to actually charge them for without specifically asking, being overwhelmed by all the options on the lookup screen.

It was bad. I've never felt so stupid in my entire life. I can't believe that at my age I can't handle a job that is considered so simple but I was so mentally exhausted and convinced that I was constantly screwing something up or annoying the customers by asking questions or potentially overcharging them for things and I felt terrible.

I was scheduled today... for my first shift "alone" and I literally did not go. I didn't call out and make up an excuse, nothing. I burned my bridge with an entire company, and wasted all these people's time and the stores training hours. I turned off my phone for a few hours. Upon turning it back on, I didn't see any voicemails. I don't blame them for not even calling.

I'm worse off mentally now than I was before being unemployed. I'm so tired. I genuinely want to give up.

 

[Life_and_Death]

technically, while not directly work like my job sucks. i did get harassed at work, IN FRONT OF ONE OF THE BOSSES, and shit all was done about it. i actually got in more trouble then that fucking dick. between being sick of dealing with assholes literally everywhere ive been, even places there arent suppose to be assholes and being the victim that gets in shit, yeah im a little tired of it.
so not directly work, but still work because work didnt do shit.
bit of a rant feel free to skip
and then people wonder why we decide to take shit into our own hands and people end up in the hospital or dead. well if you had of dealt with the fucking situation i wouldnt have had to deal with the fucking situation but im not going to continuously treated like shit just because youre not doing youre fucking job, GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH A BIG STEELTOED BOOT RIGHT UP YOUR..... (no i didnt do anything...this time. but i am really wearing thin with this type of situation. i was bullied to tears in middle school and I HAD TO FUCKING SAY SORRY. literally putting up with this type of bullshit for years. the school didnt do anything about the bully. the cops didnt do anything about my parents and work didnt do anything about that asshole. yeah, im probably just going to deal with things myself the next time it happens)

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

For months I was unemployed and this made me very suicidal (well, more than is normal for me I suppose). I finally got a job... simple part-time retail cashier position at a supposedly "good" company. I am terrible at this job. Truly floored by how bad I was at this task. I knew it would be monotonous and stressful because of the customers but I genuinely didn't think I would perform so badly. Here's a brief list of things I royally fucked up during my literal training the first few shifts.
- I somehow managed to make a mysterious $140 charge appear on a woman's transaction (it said "coupon book" and no one, including the supervisor had any idea what it was or how I managed to add it to the sale) and didn't even notice the price jump.
-I somehow miscounted $120 as $140 and even though the sale was literally under $120 I didn't process this. The customer was an old man there with his wife, was confused, then doubted himself thinking he really gave me an extra $20, took it, left his phone number just in case, and then had to come back to the store a few minutes later after they audited my drawer and confirmed how terribly I fucked up.
- I thought a nectarine was a peach and was loudly called out by the customer for ringing it up incorrectly. This one really fucked with me as I *was* sure I knew the difference between these two fucking fruits, but apparently not.
- A manager came up to buy his lunch, and had a fountain drink in his hand... by looking at it I had no idea what size the cup was (by fluid ounces) and didn't want to ask him, stared blankly at the screen for a few seconds until the girl training me kindly selected the right one.
- Realized I have no conceptualization of volume at all... after having multiple people in my line with various sizes of water containers, bags of pet food, ice etc and having no fucking clue what to actually charge them for without specifically asking, being overwhelmed by all the options on the lookup screen.

It was bad. I've never felt so stupid in my entire life. I can't believe that at my age I can't handle a job that is considered so simple but I was so mentally exhausted and convinced that I was constantly screwing something up or annoying the customers by asking questions or potentially overcharging them for things and I felt terrible.

I was scheduled today... for my first shift "alone" and I literally did not go. I didn't call out and make up an excuse, nothing. I burned my bridge with an entire company, and wasted all these people's time and the stores training hours. I turned off my phone for a few hours. Upon turning it back on, I didn't see any voicemails. I don't blame them for not even calling.

I'm worse off mentally now than I was before being unemployed. I'm so tired. I genuinely want to give up.

I once got a summer job working as a cashier And I never actually figured out how to use the register… This huge line built up with people huffing and puffing… And I think I just ran away… Just ran away and never came back… I am thoroughly incompetent at all things work related

 

[Why Me?]

Some jobs are just way more complicated then the appear. Everyone's brain works differently. At least you now know to stay away from these type of jobs. There are different kind of jobs out there, you'll just have to find one that best suits you. I'm sure I would have been way worse at that job then you were, my problems run deep.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I quite simply never worked hard enough at my career… Maybe I didn't have the talent… I feel to learn any real discipline at a young age… If I had been involved in team sports that probably would've helped… But all those basics I never learned… When I was a kid there was very little discipline going on… I guess I have problems with authority… Didn't like being told what to do… Found ways to sabotage myself at every turn… The only way I could've survived is by inheriting A huge amount of money or marrying into it… I am thoroughly incompetent

 

[Why Me?]

For months I was unemployed and this made me very suicidal (well, more than is normal for me I suppose). I finally got a job... simple part-time retail cashier position at a supposedly "good" company. I am terrible at this job. Truly floored by how bad I was at this task. I knew it would be monotonous and stressful because of the customers but I genuinely didn't think I would perform so badly. Here's a brief list of things I royally fucked up during my literal training the first few shifts.
- I somehow managed to make a mysterious $140 charge appear on a woman's transaction (it said "coupon book" and no one, including the supervisor had any idea what it was or how I managed to add it to the sale) and didn't even notice the price jump.
-I somehow miscounted $120 as $140 and even though the sale was literally under $120 I didn't process this. The customer was an old man there with his wife, was confused, then doubted himself thinking he really gave me an extra $20, took it, left his phone number just in case, and then had to come back to the store a few minutes later after they audited my drawer and confirmed how terribly I fucked up.
- I thought a nectarine was a peach and was loudly called out by the customer for ringing it up incorrectly. This one really fucked with me as I *was* sure I knew the difference between these two fucking fruits, but apparently not.
- A manager came up to buy his lunch, and had a fountain drink in his hand... by looking at it I had no idea what size the cup was (by fluid ounces) and didn't want to ask him, stared blankly at the screen for a few seconds until the girl training me kindly selected the right one.
- Realized I have no conceptualization of volume at all... after having multiple people in my line with various sizes of water containers, bags of pet food, ice etc and having no fucking clue what to actually charge them for without specifically asking, being overwhelmed by all the options on the lookup screen.

It was bad. I've never felt so stupid in my entire life. I can't believe that at my age I can't handle a job that is considered so simple but I was so mentally exhausted and convinced that I was constantly screwing something up or annoying the customers by asking questions or potentially overcharging them for things and I felt terrible.

I was scheduled today... for my first shift "alone" and I literally did not go. I didn't call out and make up an excuse, nothing. I burned my bridge with an entire company, and wasted all these people's time and the stores training hours. I turned off my phone for a few hours. Upon turning it back on, I didn't see any voicemails. I don't blame them for not even calling.

I'm worse off mentally now than I was before being unemployed. I'm so tired. I genuinely want to give up.

Also, please consider that the training you received could have been trash. Maybe you weren't properly trained, and they set you up to fail.

 

[almaranthine]

technically, while not directly work like my job sucks. i did get harassed at work, IN FRONT OF ONE OF THE BOSSES, and shit all was done about it. i actually got in more trouble then that fucking dick. between being sick of dealing with assholes literally everywhere ive been, even places there arent suppose to be assholes and being the victim that gets in shit, yeah im a little tired of it.
so not directly work, but still work because work didnt do shit.
bit of a rant feel free to skip
and then people wonder why we decide to take shit into our own hands and people end up in the hospital or dead. well if you had of dealt with the fucking situation i wouldnt have had to deal with the fucking situation but im not going to continuously treated like shit just because youre not doing youre fucking job, GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH A BIG STEELTOED BOOT RIGHT UP YOUR..... (no i didnt do anything...this time. but i am really wearing thin with this type of situation. i was bullied to tears in middle school and I HAD TO FUCKING SAY SORRY. literally putting up with this type of bullshit for years. the school didnt do anything about the bully. the cops didnt do anything about my parents and work didnt do anything about that asshole. yeah, im probably just going to deal with things myself the next time it happens)

I'm sorry you're having to deal with direct harassment at your job. In my experience, employers really don't care and will do whatever they have to do to make the situation, whatever it is, "disappear" whether that means blowing you off entirely or giving you some made-up bullshit response as to why the person clearly in the wrong has not faced any consequences. In fact, they will usually get pissed at you for bringing up a "problem" and making them address it. At one place I worked this part-time dude who was also a bouncer at a shady club downtown and a drug dealer (literally sold drugs to employees) actually assaulted a manager and nothing came to him. The higher management claimed because the assaulted manager "provoked" this employee that they couldn't fire him. Insane. A while later he got into a situation at work with another manager, verbal assaults ensued, and he even threatened to shoot the other guy on social media. Of course nothing happened to the guy. There were rumors that he literally brought his gun into work but he was never searched :)
I got in trouble for telling my department manager that I felt unsafe around the guy!
Fun times.

Hopefully things calm down at your job or you are able to find a better opportunity elsewhere.

 

[Life_and_Death]

Hopefully things calm down at your job or you are able to find a better opportunity elsewhere.

its an "offsite" job. i go there pick stuff up and leave. so i ended up having to stop going and getting someone else to pick it up because it was causing me to have complete, bawling in tears fits thats how far they let it go. i think it took a couple years but he finally got fired and is gone now. completely fucking bullshit that my mental health had to go through that as if my life wasnt already problematic enough.
wow, yeah the situation you went through was completely fucked. although being a bouncer, drug dealer and having a gun, nothing was probably done because management was too scared

 

[almaranthine]

Also, please consider that the training you received could have been trash. Maybe you weren't properly trained, and they set you up to fail.

Thank you for the encouragement. The training wasn't the greatest to be honest. I know the miscounting the money thing was all on me because I was stressed out and not thinking straight. A lot of other issues I had weren't necessarily my fault, and the solutions I was shown weren't ideal. I regret what I did today though... I should have at least gone in and tried to do the job. Now I'll never know how I could have done. Maybe I could have had a decent day.

 

[leeloosnow]

sounds like pretty typical stuff for learning a new job. i've done a lot of that sorta work and it never fails to chap my asshole how incompetent the superiors often are, how rude and impatient the customers can be, and how crappy companies often treat employees. i probably wouldn't have gone back in either, and i have zero sympathy for corporate capitalist vultures picking the bones off their proletariat roadkill.
i've been unemployed for a few months now and have given up pretty much everything i cared about. done with toxic positivity, and redundantly attempting to give a shit about a world and a life that doesn't return it. waiting eagerly for package delivery and ctb.

 

[almaranthine]

I once got a summer job working as a cashier And I never actually figured out how to use the register… This huge line built up with people huffing and puffing… And I think I just ran away… Just ran away and never came back… I am thoroughly incompetent at all things work related

I completely understand that reaction though. The way people look down at you, get rude and impatient, and make you feel sub-human and beneath them is a terrible feeling and it's really stressful. I'm sure more people than you'd think, especially those with varying degrees of social anxiety and other issues just walk out of jobs like these. Shoot, I wanted to go to the bathroom and an disassociate when they told me my drawer was short. I will die still thinking about that freaking $20.

 

[GhostNote]

Yes, a lack thereof. Due to severe pain hyperacusis, I'm confined to a room all day everyday and have to wear hearing protection 24/7. I can't use a telephone, listen to any artificial audio from any source or pretty much leave my house. So my job options are very limited to work from home jobs that require nothing beyond written communication. I'm 40 years old so changing career paths into something that may accommodate these restrictions making a decent wage is not easy. I have three children, one of which is disabled himself and to be able to have my own place where I can house all my kids I'd need to make a decent wage, as divorce brought financial ruin shortly before I got ill. So now my ex who is healthy gets the kids and I get to live with my father and his girlfriend six hours away.

 

[ForbiddenSiren]

Yep my work enviroment reminds me of so much bad shit that has happened and brings up so many memories I have experienced there. The atmosphere there alone is beyond dreadful. I dont want to wake up in the next 6 hours or so to have to go, but I have no choice really. Hopefully another panic attack doesnt happen this week.

 

[almaranthine]

Yes, a lack thereof. Due to severe pain hyperacusis, I'm confined to a room all day everyday and have to wear hearing protection 24/7. I can't use a telephone, listen to any artificial audio from any source or pretty much leave my house. So my job options are very limited to work from home jobs that require nothing beyond written communication. I'm 40 years old so changing career paths into something that may accommodate these restrictions making a decent wage is not easy. I have three children, one of which is disabled himself and to be able to have my own place where I can house all my kids I'd need to make a decent wage, as divorce brought financial ruin shortly before I got ill. So now my ex who is healthy gets the kids and I get to live with my father and his girlfriend six hours away.

I cannot imagine trying to get by in your situation. You are incredibly strong to be able to deal with this condition you have and still work. I'm so sorry that you've had to go through all of this and cannot live on your own or with your children. I wish you peace.

Yep my work enviroment reminds me of so much bad shit that has happened and brings up so many memories I have experienced there. I dont want to wake up in the next 6 hours to have to go, but I have no choice really.

If I was compensated financially for all the hours I spent in my life dreading having to go into work and deal with the people, the drama, and the overall shit show, I would have made a living wage! So yeah, I feel you there. I'm sitting here wondering if I should go into this job and at least work the rest of the hours they scheduled me because it's truly unfair for the people that do work there to have to cover all those unexpected shifts but... Idk. I guess the worst they can say is, we're good, you can go home and never come back, thanks though.

 

[notocarpediem]

Although it must have been stressful for you - those issues sound fairly normal for starting a new job with new systems - new jobs are stressful and your brain then goes into fight or flight with the stress and then it's impossible to think straight. I bet after a while in the job you would have been ringing things up no bother…

What a horrible customer for shouting at you for incorrectly ringing up the nectarine as a peach…they're so similar and probably priced similarly too. Who the heck cares about something like that enough to make a scene about it.

Managers/supervisors expect people to make mistakes when they start - I'm sure if you called up and explained that you were unwell today they would take you back?

 

[lionetta12]

For months I was unemployed and this made me very suicidal (well, more than is normal for me I suppose). I finally got a job... simple part-time retail cashier position at a supposedly "good" company. I am terrible at this job. Truly floored by how bad I was at this task. I knew it would be monotonous and stressful because of the customers but I genuinely didn't think I would perform so badly. Here's a brief list of things I royally fucked up during my literal training the first few shifts.
- I somehow managed to make a mysterious $140 charge appear on a woman's transaction (it said "coupon book" and no one, including the supervisor had any idea what it was or how I managed to add it to the sale) and didn't even notice the price jump.
-I somehow miscounted $120 as $140 and even though the sale was literally under $120 I didn't process this. The customer was an old man there with his wife, was confused, then doubted himself thinking he really gave me an extra $20, took it, left his phone number just in case, and then had to come back to the store a few minutes later after they audited my drawer and confirmed how terribly I fucked up.
- I thought a nectarine was a peach and was loudly called out by the customer for ringing it up incorrectly. This one really fucked with me as I *was* sure I knew the difference between these two fucking fruits, but apparently not.
- A manager came up to buy his lunch, and had a fountain drink in his hand... by looking at it I had no idea what size the cup was (by fluid ounces) and didn't want to ask him, stared blankly at the screen for a few seconds until the girl training me kindly selected the right one.
- Realized I have no conceptualization of volume at all... after having multiple people in my line with various sizes of water containers, bags of pet food, ice etc and having no fucking clue what to actually charge them for without specifically asking, being overwhelmed by all the options on the lookup screen.

It was bad. I've never felt so stupid in my entire life. I can't believe that at my age I can't handle a job that is considered so simple but I was so mentally exhausted and convinced that I was constantly screwing something up or annoying the customers by asking questions or potentially overcharging them for things and I felt terrible.

I was scheduled today... for my first shift "alone" and I literally did not go. I didn't call out and make up an excuse, nothing. I burned my bridge with an entire company, and wasted all these people's time and the stores training hours. I turned off my phone for a few hours. Upon turning it back on, I didn't see any voicemails. I don't blame them for not even calling.

I'm worse off mentally now than I was before being unemployed. I'm so tired. I genuinely want to give up.

I had some jobs where I overworked way too much, had insanely long shifts + worked a lot of overtime on top of that. Made me extremely depressed and I went rope shopping at one point because of how miserable all the work made me.

 

[Hurt]

Work distracts me from my suicidal thoughts. It doesn't contribute to my suicidality. Studying something I like distracts me too. But when I have nothing to do I feel suicidal.

 

[eternal_life]

Work is not my cause of CTB, but having to work to survive, even being in deep depression, is a plus point for wanting CTB. It's hard to get the strength to work when you don't feel like doing anything.

 

[freedompass]

For months I was unemployed and this made me very suicidal (well, more than is normal for me I suppose). I finally got a job... simple part-time retail cashier position at a supposedly "good" company. I am terrible at this job. Truly floored by how bad I was at this task. I knew it would be monotonous and stressful because of the customers but I genuinely didn't think I would perform so badly. Here's a brief list of things I royally fucked up during my literal training the first few shifts.
- I somehow managed to make a mysterious $140 charge appear on a woman's transaction (it said "coupon book" and no one, including the supervisor had any idea what it was or how I managed to add it to the sale) and didn't even notice the price jump.
-I somehow miscounted $120 as $140 and even though the sale was literally under $120 I didn't process this. The customer was an old man there with his wife, was confused, then doubted himself thinking he really gave me an extra $20, took it, left his phone number just in case, and then had to come back to the store a few minutes later after they audited my drawer and confirmed how terribly I fucked up.
- I thought a nectarine was a peach and was loudly called out by the customer for ringing it up incorrectly. This one really fucked with me as I *was* sure I knew the difference between these two fucking fruits, but apparently not.
- A manager came up to buy his lunch, and had a fountain drink in his hand... by looking at it I had no idea what size the cup was (by fluid ounces) and didn't want to ask him, stared blankly at the screen for a few seconds until the girl training me kindly selected the right one.
- Realized I have no conceptualization of volume at all... after having multiple people in my line with various sizes of water containers, bags of pet food, ice etc and having no fucking clue what to actually charge them for without specifically asking, being overwhelmed by all the options on the lookup screen.

It was bad. I've never felt so stupid in my entire life. I can't believe that at my age I can't handle a job that is considered so simple but I was so mentally exhausted and convinced that I was constantly screwing something up or annoying the customers by asking questions or potentially overcharging them for things and I felt terrible.

I was scheduled today... for my first shift "alone" and I literally did not go. I didn't call out and make up an excuse, nothing. I burned my bridge with an entire company, and wasted all these people's time and the stores training hours. I turned off my phone for a few hours. Upon turning it back on, I didn't see any voicemails. I don't blame them for not even calling.

I'm worse off mentally now than I was before being unemployed. I'm so tired. I genuinely want to give up.

Oh man this reminds me so much of when I tried to volunteer at a library. A library! What could possibly go wrong? Had a very cursory training and was left to sink or swim at the desk checking books in and out as the line grew ever longer. That was pretty shitty of them thinking about it. I was shy, social anxiety but thought a library job might suit me. Nope it was as bad as being a cashier, there was a whole system ofc it can never just be simple, plus it's very much public facing. I didn't go back. I feel your pain.

 

[Samsal112]

Work delays my suicide. I am a teacher, so I don't want to off myself during the year and traumatize my students. Also, this may sound weird, but I am an obligation person. I CAN'T kill myself right now because I am obligated to teach these kids and stay at my school because of the teacher shortage. I feel obligated to take care of the students and my campus this year...

 

[Rounded Agony]

Work distracts me from my suicidal thoughts. I doesn't contribute to my suicidality. Studying something I like distracts me too. But when I have nothing to do I feel suicidal.

Work delays my suicide. I am a teacher, so I don't want to off myself during the year and traumatize my students. Also, this may sound weird, but I am an obligation person. I CAN'T kill myself right now because I am obligated to teach these kids and stay at my school because of the teacher shortage. I feel obligated to take care of the students and my campus this year...

These resonate. My crappy, menial low paying job for the last year, which I'm taking a "leave" from next week", involves other people and when physical symptoms aren't getting in the fucking way I can get caught up in the day's tasks and sometimes have nice enough interactions with coworkers and customers. It's also good to have a reason to get outside sometimes as when things only involve me, I generally can't give a shit or be motivated enough to do them, or stick with them if I do manage to.

That said the stress of having to be somewhere at a particular time, standing for hours, public transit and having a mask on for hours have all been pretty fucking taxing, hence the leave. Hoping to transition to a wfh gig in something I'm actually good at and give a slightly bigger shit about, but the last four months have been really damaging and I'm wondering if things will just keep getting worse and this is the beginning of an exponential descent, at the bottom of which is me exiting this stupid phase of existence.

 

[theboy]

The "do nothing" contributes to my CTB.

 

[Samsal112]

These resonate. My crappy, menial low paying job for the last year, which I'm taking a "leave" from next week", involves other people and when physical symptoms aren't getting in the fucking way I can get caught up in the day's tasks and sometimes have nice enough interactions with coworkers and customers. It's also good to have a reason to get outside sometimes as when things only involve me, I generally can't give a shit or be motivated enough to do them, or stick with them if I do manage to.

That said the stress of having to be somewhere at a particular time, standing for hours, public transit and having a mask on for hours have all been pretty fucking taxing, hence the leave. Hoping to transition to a wfh gig in something I'm actually good at and give a slightly bigger shit about, but the last four months have been really damaging and I'm wondering if things will just keep getting worse and this is the beginning of an exponential descent, at the bottom of which is me exiting this stupid phase of existence.

I am so sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. I agree that going to work and sometimes the stress of work is taxing. I would take leave, but again, I feel obligated to stay and do what I can because of the shortage. I really hope that you can find a wfh job! I am sending good vibes your way. If you need someone to talk to, I am here.

 

[ojinzo]

Yes. I hate my job and I don't have the will to find something better. I can't imagine myself doing this for years. My job is forty percent of the reason I'll ctb

 

[Rounded Agony]

I am so sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. I agree that going to work and sometimes the stress of work is taxing. I would take leave, but again, I feel obligated to stay and do what I can because of the shortage. I really hope that you can find a wfh job! I am sending good vibes your way. If you need someone to talk to, I am here.

Thank you fortunately being a low-skill position for a corporation means I do not feel bad at all about taking off, especially as my supervisor was constantly "forgetting" to properly schedule me into the availability I'd given. Very over it all.

In the meantime I decided to sign up for a teaching accreditation course, and maybe do something part time. It all feels overwhelming but I have a couple of interviews this week (one I already had had bad bad vibes haha).

Ps I tried opening a direct line of comm but your profile is hidden to me. Feel free to start one with me if you like.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I completely sympathise. I think nerves just shatter your confidence and muddle your thinking. I also used to find that one mistake leads to others- while you are still worrying about the previous thing and not concentrating on the current task.

I worked in retail for 10 years and I'm pretty sure at each different shop I screwed up something at the beginning. I remember I used to dread weighed goods in a food shop. There were just a sea of codes.

I think the worst of it is that it's classed by everyone as an 'easy' job- so people get irritated when they have to wait. Some people are so rude too.

I'm so sorry you had this experience. I hope you're able to find a better job.