Has this happened to anyone else? [after surviving an attempt]

[Guy0117]

Ever since I tried and survived my last attempt, my death has been like a drug to me. I have an actual addiction to dying. As soon as I start thinking about it, I just really, really want to do it and could on impulse at any moment. It's like crack. it was way stronger back after I'd just attempted and survived but that's only because I'm distracting myself, I mean I could again at any moment. so I guess it's what I really want. Does anyone relate?

 

[madameviolette]

I heard the same thing from someone else. You get more obsessed with death after each attempt

 

[Guy0117]

Thank you. It's nice to know others experience it too

 

[musingsofaghost]

yeah same thing happened with me. after i failed i actively sought after death, even if the method was nonsensical and had no chance of actually working. i've gotten more rational and less impulsive with time, but that desire is still there. istg its worse than when i was addicted to vaping lol

 

[regentstblue]

yeah this is very relatable. in my case, when things get rough, it's like the default solution to me. i did badly at work? i'm so close to cutting again. i had an argument with someone? i would intrusively think of many ways to off myself. i always feel inferior to things that it made me want to kill myself even for just the smallest inconvenience. it's disturbing how our mind works, especially when you get to experience that life and death situation and you're somehow less afraid to do it again.

 

[amor.dor]

I think we become more open to dying after failing an attempt. I remember being hospitalized when I tried to die—it was a pure impulse, I swore I was really going to die. But after that, I spent days just thinking about my whole life, and I stayed like that for months. But each day, death stopped being a fear and became something more acceptable. Honestly, today I'm calmer and I think a lot about this:

"How easily the stone falls from the hand onto the grave of the suicide, but how difficult was the struggle of the poor person who had made such a good bed for himself.
First he cast a fearful glance at death from a distance and turned away in horror; then, trembling, he walked around him in wide circles; but with every day they became narrower and narrower and at last he wrapped his tired arms around Death's neck and looked into his eyes: and there was peace, sweet peace."
— Mainlander

So I'm preparing well and very calmly this time. There's a girl who said goodbye, and I was really impressed by how well prepared she was.I hope she is at peace.