Discussion Has suicidality and depression made anyone else let themselves go?

[sohopelessandempty]

I could go on a whole rant about this, especially since I have a bad habit of over explaining in fear of being misunderstood. But I'll try not to. Basically what the title says, I know I'm not the only one but it FEELS that way. Some people can look good on the outside while dealing with mental illness and that's valid too and I don't have an issue with that, I just feel alone in being someone whose depression has made me ugly. I'm aware looks aren't all that matter and I have never thought they are the only thing that matters, but they still matter to an extent in society as we know. And it's not just about that, not caring about my appearance is actually a very bad sign for me. I care when I'm feeling good enough to do so, once I stop caring it means I'm too depressed/exhausted. It feels like other people can still look pretty while being depressed, but I have let myself go so often these days. I used to have such a nice body back when I had the energy to go to the gym. I saw a picture of myself from a couple months ago and I was so snatched. I'm too depressed to go to the gym these days, or to take good care of myself, or do anything that used to make me happy. So not only do I feel worse, but I look worse. I stopped wearing cute outfits to school(I'm 18, high school senior due to my birthday), I stopped doing my makeup in the morning, I just lay in bed until I have five minutes to rush out the door looking like I just woke up(because that's what I always do). I could've been so pretty if this illness didn't ruin me. I lost a lot of gym progress due to not going for months. Even my butt has withered away. I know maybe all of this sounds silly and not my top priority when I have much bigger problems, but it still sucks. It's affected my self esteem aswell. I feel bad, but I don't want to look bad too. I don't want people to see my pain from the outside, I want to look pretty and put together. Like I'm happy. Someone please tell me I'm not alone. So many girls who have talked on social media about mental health struggles still look gorgeous. It doesn't invalidate them in any way, I just want to know I'm not the only one who isn't pretty anymore due to mental illness. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but you know what I meant. I miss the body I had when I actually cared for myself, I miss how every day was a good hair day because I had the time and energy to take care of it. I miss being complimented for my style at school, I bet I look so plain now. Not that there's anything wrong for that, but I don't want to. I sorta stopped caring about how I'm perceived but every once in a while I realize, everyone else at school can see me looking like shit. And I'm probably not perceived like a girl with cute style anymore at school. I look so boring now. I used to be so beautiful. It's such a shame. I want to go back to the gym next week, but I always say that and I never do. I haven't fixed my sleep schedule, so then I'm always too tired to go. And the cycle goes on and on and on. Someone please tell me if you've experienced anything similar. I feel so alone.

 

[badatparties]

Yes, absolutely. Eating right and exercising is for people who actually have self esteem. If you don't like yourself, why would you want to do good things for yourself?

 

[Blueberry Panic]

Yes... in everyway

 

[Trazyn]

It's a common symptom of depression to start neglecting yourself and not taking care of your body. You aren't alone with that, lots of us are going through it.

 

[Hollowman]

Yes

 

[Gangrel]

Yeah, have stopped doing most things. Just the bare minimum like showering because it bothers me to be stinky. Other than that i hate looking at myself in any form.

 

[zdeweilx]

Of course, i barely shower and brush my teeth now. Also i havent gone to the hairdresser since 2019.

 

[Tarantula]

It's one of the most common symptoms. I don't shower or brush my teeth every day because my depression makes it hard for me to have the motivation to do so

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Yeah I'm slipping big time

 

[sohopelessandempty]

Yes, absolutely. Eating right and exercising is for people who actually have self esteem. If you don't like yourself, why would you want to do good things for yourself?

You have a point. I don't always dislike myself, I'm just too exhausted to do things like that anyway. I wish I could. Depression has taken so much from me :(

Yeah I'm slipping big time

I hope you're eventually able to take care of yourself, I know how difficult it can be.

Yeah, have stopped doing most things. Just the bare minimum like showering because it bothers me to be stinky. Other than that i hate looking at myself in any form.

Same, I also just don't like the feeling of being dirty. I maintain hygiene(although I struggle with brushing my teeth twice a day) but the extra stuff like looking pretty I've let go. It's hard to do anything. I hope you feel better someday.

Yes... in everyway

I've seen your other posts, I hope one day you are free from this pain. I'm sorry you're suffering too.

It's a common symptom of depression to start neglecting yourself and not taking care of your body. You aren't alone with that, lots of us are going through it.

I'm aware it's common but I don't actually SEE people talk about it much. Everyone else still manages to look good while I fall apart.

It's one of the most common symptoms. I don't shower or brush my teeth every day because my depression makes it hard for me to have the motivation to do so

Yeah, it's just that even though it's a common symptom, people get judged so harshly for it that it makes me feel like I'm the only one. Even though I KNOW that's not true.

 

[shylady222]

Yes.

 

[torturedmind]

Yes, I have been eating an insane amount of sugar and fast food, nothing healthy. I used to workout regularly but now I haven't been to the gym since the beginning of the year. Don't even go on a walks or do any stretching anymore. Since I've become inactive, I've gained 40 pounds. I haven't showered in at least a week. I (usually) brush my teeth maybe once a day, if that. I have dental work that needs to be done that I have been putting off for months. Started smoking cigarettes. Sleeping all the time unless I have to go to work. I feel like im neglecting myself in basically every way and I have definitely let myself go. Also, I'm 28 years old, so the effects of my unhealthy lifestyle will only begin to become more evident as I enter my 30s (if I make it that long).

 

[sohopelessandempty]

Yes, I have been eating an insane amount of sugar and fast food, nothing healthy. I used to workout regularly but now I haven't been to the gym since the beginning of the year. Don't even go on a walks or do any stretching anymore. Since I've become inactive, I've gained 40 pounds. I haven't showered in at least a week. I (usually) brush my teeth maybe once a day, if that. I have dental work that needs to be done that I have been putting off for months. Started smoking cigarettes. Sleeping all the time unless I have to go to work. I feel like im neglecting myself in basically every way and I have definitely let myself go. Also, I'm 28 years old, so the effects of my unhealthy lifestyle will only begin to become more evident as I enter my 30s (if I make it that long).

Even though sometimes hearing that other people are going through similar things doesn't make me feel better because it just proves life is so terrible that the bad things I go through are common, sometimes it is helpful to know I'm not the only one. It makes me feel less ashamed. I am so numb to it now but every once in a while I kinda snap out of it and realize oh my gosh I look terrible, and I go to school like this! This is how people see me! And I hate that, but then I am too depressed to do anything about it. I feel like wasted potential. I really could've been so much more beautiful if I was happy. I could've been smarter too. Is it too late to change my ways?? Maybe not since I'm 18. I always feel like I'm too far gone but I'm not old, so I should still have time right? Anyways I'm sorry you're also going through this, I hope you're able to get back into working out if that's a goal of yours! I want to go back, my ass is withering away as we speak haha. I used to look so good man, it's honestly tragic. But muscle memory exists, I started new meds. Maybe once the depression subsides, I can bounce back even better than before. I know it's hard but try to take care of yourself, you deserve to feel good. Also, if it makes you feel better, I also usually brush my teeth only once a day or even not at all sometimes. I don't admit this to people in my life because it's embarrassing and makes me feel gross, but I want to show you you're not the only one.

 

[Alive42long]

Yesterday a friend of mine told me I looked gorgeous and I'm at the bottommost bottom of my depression.

Part of my suicidal thoughts come from being perceived as a failure because I cant hold a job. For that reason, I'm deeply ashamed of myself in every sense. I put a lot of effort in presenting as beautiful because I can hide the fact my life is falling apart. Im also always smiling, trying to interact with my friends, hanging out, etc.

A few years back, whenever I demonstrated something was off, my family started gossiping about me. I don't want this to happen anymore. I go a long way to feign everything's fine to the point that I cant open myself to strangers in the suicide helpline. I feel wrong if I spell out "I'm unwell and suicidal".

 

[sohopelessandempty]

Yesterday a friend of mine told me I looked gorgeous and I'm at the bottommost bottom of my depression.

Part of my suicidal thoughts come from being perceived as a failure because I cant hold a job. For that reason, I'm deeply ashamed of myself in every sense. I put a lot of effort in presenting as beautiful because I can hide the fact my life is falling apart. Im also always smiling, trying to interact with my friends, hanging out, etc.

A few years back, whenever I demonstrated something was off, my family started gossiping about me. I don't want this to happen anymore. I go a long way to feign everything's fine to the point that I cant open myself to strangers in the suicide helpline. I feel wrong if I spell out "I'm unwell and suicidal".

I understand this too, I'm not trying to compare or make it a competition(I hate it when people turn any type of struggles into a contest). I hope this doesn't come off wrong but this is what I was talking about when I hear of other people being depressed, it's always gorgeous people. That's why I felt alone. I'm sorry if this sounds bad but I wish I had this type of depression instead. Not trying to invalidate your pain or anything, it's just like you said, you do this to hide how unwell you are. I want to do that but since depression is different for everyone, for me personally it doesn't let me do those things. I try but I just can't. It makes me feel ugly and pathetic. I'm sorry your family gossiped about you, family can be really weird about this stuff sometimes(speaking from experience). I know no one in your life can tell you're struggling, but I do hope you feel better one day, just for your own well-being.

 

[leloyon]

I used to go six months without bathing, change my clothes only when needed after having worn them and slept in them for weeks to months, never brush my teeth, barely eat, lay in bed all day, etc. etc.
So yes, it has.

I look like a hobo and/or traumatised teenage junkie irl (I'm twenty but malnourishment during puberty has stunted my growth).

 

[Alive42long]

I understand this too, I'm not trying to compare or make it a competition(I hate it when people turn any type of struggles into a contest). I hope this doesn't come off wrong but this is what I was talking about when I hear of other people being depressed, it's always gorgeous people. That's why I felt alone. I'm sorry if this sounds bad but I wish I had this type of depression instead. Not trying to invalidate your pain or anything, it's just like you said, you do this to hide how unwell you are. I want to do that but since depression is different for everyone, for me personally it doesn't let me do those things. I try but I just can't. It makes me feel ugly and pathetic. I'm sorry your family gossiped about you, family can be really weird about this stuff sometimes(speaking from experience). I know no one in your life can tell you're struggling, but I do hope you feel better one day, just for your own well-being.

Don't worry! I dont see it as a competition, because I think that depression strikes us in different ways!

I wish we could find some balance between trying to look perfect and letting ourselves go, but we'd probably be healthy if we could find any sort of balance in this disorder…

 

[sohopelessandempty]

Don't worry! I dont see it as a competition, because I think that depression strikes us in different ways!

I wish we could find some balance between trying to look perfect and letting ourselves go, but we'd probably be healthy if we could find any sort of balance in this disorder…

Yes, that can be said about many things. Balance is key.

I used to go six months without bathing, change my clothes only when needed after having worn them and slept in them for weeks to months, never brush my teeth, barely eat, lay in bed all day, etc. etc.
So yes, it has.

I look like a hobo and/or traumatised teenage junkie irl (I'm twenty but malnourishment during puberty has stunted my growth).

Do you feel better now? You used past tense so I assume you're taking better care of yourself these days, or at least I'd hope so. We all(okay well besides REALLY evil people but I doubt you're super evil or something lol I don't know you) deserve to be clean.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I hope you're eventually able to take care of yourself, I know how difficult it can be.

I just shaved my head with minimal carnage, I'm basically ready for the recovery board

 

[ipmanwc0]

I sort of gave up trying recently too. Hopefully it doesn't stay that way because then I really will suffer forever

 

[voidwarden]

I have an opinion I'd like to share because I hope it helps you, and maybe anyone else scrolling too.

First, I don't think anything you've said is irredeemable. Reading your post reminded me of how I've been stuck in the same kind of loop, over and over, and you asked if anybody had experienced anything similar.

For me, it often starts with intense anxiety for weeks at a time, and that's easily the worst part. I can't eat or sleep properly, I lose weight fast, the stress shows, my hair thins out, and I end up looking ill. Then when the anxiety finally eases, I can almost predict that the depression is coming next. I self-isolate, I don't want to go out, and I just fester.

This time around, I am trying professional help and medication. It has helped with some physical symptoms in the moment, but I still felt like I needed something that supports my mind too, because that's where the depression actually lives, right? So I started treating food like medication.

I'm eating better. Not for vanity reasons, but more like, if my body is totally run down, my mind hasn't got a chance.

I'm also doing small exercises at home because I'm honestly in no shape to go outside, let alone to a gym lol. Just squats and pushups. It sounds pointless, and probably not essential, but it's something, and it helps break the fatigue a bit.

What I did was go to the supermarket and buy basic stuff:

• Protein, eggs, chicken, steak, Greek yoghurt
• Carbs, simple rice packets, wholemeal bread, some veg
• Fluids, I swapped drinking constant coffee for water, OJ, and milk

Basically, anything easy to make that takes next to no effort. It's not a fun menu with tasty desserts. I see it as more essential intake.

If I wake up with no appetite, I'll at least drink some water or have OJ with yoghurt first, then eat a proper breakfast later in the morning, sometimes even early afternoon. Just so I've had my "medication". If I have work that day and I can't eat a whole breakfast, I'll still do the minimum, like yoghurt and OJ.

I genuinely think it's helping me. I feel more clarity and focus. The anxiety doesn't last days like it can. It's more minutes to hours, if anything. Dinner might be as simple as boiled chicken and rice, but I'm keeping it consistent. I'm actually starting to enjoy the meals, and I feel better mentally. I'm not "best", but I am way better than I was.

I don't know if treating food like medication will help you, but I hope it does, because the goal, for me at least, isn't to get better looking or fit. It's to climb out of the hole. Looking healthier becomes a side effect. I don't look ill any longer, at least in my case, and I'm far more settled. Nothing is perfect, but I don't feel the need to pace as much, and I don't feel completely depleted either, and my sleep has improved a lot.

I'm using it as a tool to desperately get out of a certain mindset. I don't know if it will work for certain, but I think it's working so far. Is it taxing at first? Yes. Does it get easier? In my case, also yes, and faster than I expected.

I'm not saying this is a fix for depression. Feeling alone is hard, almost impossible sometimes, you are not alone in that, but I do think this could help you like it is helping me.

 

[leloyon]

Do you feel better now? You used past tense so I assume you're taking better care of yourself these days, or at least I'd hope so. We all(okay well besides REALLY evil people but I doubt you're super evil or something lol I don't know you) deserve to be clean.

I have only really improved in the bathing aspect, though I have made some effort in some of the other areas too.
The height of it that I was describing was during an incredibly traumatic situation in my life, to the point where I was on-edge 24/7 and basically neglected everything out of not having the energy to do so due to being on-guard 24/7, and a need to keep myself from offing myself (I was incredibly suicidal, but was aware that my situation would end, and wanted to at least commit suicide after I had escaped it. Already knew it had fucked my life too much for me to recover from so I didn't see it ending as a reason to not commit suicide).

So I more or less became inhuman, subhuman. Going an entire day without eating just to eat a single chocolate bar afterwards, then repeating that... going a week straight without eating a cooked meal (usually only chocolate bars), on more than one occasion, to the point where I joked to myself that salami that my family bought was an anti-nausea medication because living solely off chocolate and water makes one feel constantly nauseous and that would ward it off. Staying awake for an entire day (I don't drink caffeine) after small amounts of sleep to the point of seeing shadow people directly in front of me. Waking up at midnight to spend the entire night online reading a healthy mix of 4chan's paranormal board (mainly in regards to tulpas and summoning demons, because I was lonely and felt that god had made it clear that they actively despise me), an obscure forum mostly full of pretentious old tech nerds and conspiracy theorists, and fanfiction, burning my arms with matches and lighters, and pissing in my backyard because walking upstairs to the bathroom may alert my family. The aforementioned self-harm via burning myself which I did roughly every other day. Suffering from derealisation to the point of my vision distorting and me standing in front of walls, attempting to push my fingers through because I could not comprehend that the wall was real, having to stop myself from laying down in the middle of the road because the outside felt like a hallucination so "in reality I'm just laying down in my bedroom", staring at the mirror unable to comprehend that the person I was looking at wasn't a stranger whom I fundamentally couldn't recognise, etc. etc. Emotionally disconnecting from all others due to figuring that I had enough on my plate in regards to myself and thus that even slightly worrying about anyone else would result in me going completely insane, only to then become emotionally repressed partially thanks to the aforementioned derealisation. And of course what I mentioned previously.

I have been, and to an extent still am, subhuman. I became an inhuman ghost, a sack of meat only capable of doing the bare minimum when absolutely necessary. The only choices afforded to me was to either be dead inside or tortured inside. I chose to be dead inside, dead to the world as a result.

 

[sohopelessandempty]

I sort of gave up trying recently too. Hopefully it doesn't stay that way because then I really will suffer forever

I hope things get better for you! Also hoping things don't stay this way for me either, tired of looking depressed. I mean I am, but I don't want people to see that.

 

[kuroshimi]

I believe, to some extent?

I have really never cared too much about myself. I did not even bother to walk really, just rotten in my room in front of PC. Besides, I unconsciously (?) deprivated sleep. I looked and felt terrible.
Recently this state is recurring. I have bad sleep, I stopped work out much and and just don't care.

As already mentioned, this is the common symptom of depression. Most of us feeling the same way. You're not alone.