Discussion Has anyone here been in a controlling/abusive relationship?

[Largeletters]

Hello SS Members. Back with another question for Offtopic, however this one is a bit heavier. I wanted to ask this question because I haven't seen much of it on SS. Has anyone here been in a controlling/abusive relationship?

For me, I've been in two. I wouldn't call them abusive, but they were both controlling and manipulative people. One was a girl my age, she threatened to commit suicide when I tried to break up with her, got angry that I had online friends, made excuses/started fights with me while I was trying to work or see friends (probably because she still wanted to talk? Or was mad I didn't need her every second?), other things. The other was a guy 7 years older than me. He threatened to slit his wrist when I had to get off the phone, called me a pain in the ass, got mad when I spent time with family, would not let me have alone time for the life of me, and other things.

What's your experience? (Sending all of my love to those of you who have had similar experiences)

 

[Life_and_Death]

does crying at my desk because im not allowed to talk to anyone count?

 

[Symbiote]

Feels like controlling and abusive relationships follow me everywhere I go. I'm a fucking magnet for them.

 

[Largeletters]

does crying at my desk because im not allowed to talk to anyone count?

I'm so sorry you go through this

Feels like controlling and abusive relationships follow me everywhere I go. I'm a fucking magnet for them.

Me too.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I'm so sorry you go through this

went through. it was quite a few years ago now thankfully. after a while i got pissed off at him and walked away. he had a mutual friend follow me but she didnt leave school property and i was so i shrugged my shoulders and said "sounds like youre problem". she went back told him i left and we later broke up.
was i partially at fault, probably yeah. but a lot of the things he did was uncalled for and if he didnt trust me that much he should have left. he knew i was suicidal and that i had problems, thats not how you treat someone thats clearly already been through enough

 

[Largeletters]

went through. it was quite a few years ago now thankfully. after a while i got pissed off at him and walked away. he had a mutual friend follow me but she didnt leave school property and i was so i shrugged my shoulders and said "sounds like youre problem". she went back told him i left and we later broke up.
was i partially at fault, probably yeah. but a lot of the things he did was uncalled for and if he didnt trust me that much he should have left. he knew i was suicidal and that i had problems, thats not how you treat someone thats clearly already been through enough

I'm glad you aren't currently going through it, and please know you didn't deserve what he did to you.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I'm glad you aren't currently going through it, and please know you didn't deserve what he did to you.

i put blame on him for everything but i question it if im honest.....

 

[lastingabyss]

My first relationship was with someone who also threatened to commit suicide if I broke up with them, and would often project their insecurities with me. My second would manipulate me in various ways - safe to say I'm cautious of pursuing any romantic relationship from now on. It's also important to remember that you're never at fault for their actions — and nor do you "attract" these types of toxic people.

 

[Largeletters]

My first relationship was with someone who also threatened to commit suicide if I broke up with them, and would often project their insecurities with me. My second would manipulate me in various ways - safe to say I'm cautious of pursuing any romantic relationship from now on. It's also important to remember that you're never at fault for their actions — and nor do you "attract" these types of toxic people.

Definitely relate to your experiences, I'm sorry you've had to go through these things. I appreciate the kind words and I hope you use the same advice on yourself.

 

[Desperdición]

There were several, but there was one that stood out above all, I had grown up with him, but he was a full-fledged psychopath, he manipulated me and everyone around me, he wanted to destroy the relationships he had with others, when he got angry with me he convinced to others to take advantage of me, when some of his manipulations stopped working with me he resorted to drugs and hypnosis. More or less entering adulthood I began to wake up and I only had the courage to remove him from my life, I know that by leaving him alive I left many people inicente to his fate.

 

[motel rooms]

I abused him right back, so I guess it was just a typical relationship between 2 people

 

[killedbypsychiatry]

I'm sorry you've gone through that :( I also had with various people, one of them was a very narcissistic person who used me and always tried to make sure to keep me down, if I did better at something she would get so angry and do stuff to me. It really messed me up and it lasted years cause I was very young and didn't knew how to get out and I was scared of her yet it affected me a lot. Other abusing and controlling relationships where with adults while I was a minor and it messed me up a lot as well. I guess those relationships contributed to me being on a CTB forum as soon as I turned 18

 

[LastFlowers]

Not romantic relationships, but friendships and familial relationships, my parents are both extremely controlling (albeit in different ways) and negligent at the same time.
To be a bit figurative, they are the type to let the caged bird rot inside its prison, while occasionally checking up on it to make sure the hatch is still locked.
They let my siblings get away with so much more than they ever would with me, despite the fact that I am the eldest (or maybe that's partially why, taking the brunt of it so they could go easier on who comes next),
I remember writing in a journal when I was younger and referring to them as "The Controllers" (and I was the typical good student/not a trouble maker archetype), they were definitely a contributing factor to my previous eating disorders as well as the domino effect that destroyed my life, sourced from a cause outside of my control, that was much more in their's.
They take advantage of the fact that I am in the hellish position that ultimately, THEY put me in, yet will blame me for it simultaneously.
They want it both ways.
I ask for the key to the hatch and they accuse me of swallowing it.
They disgust me as human beings, probably some of the biggest hypocrites and purveyors of double standards imaginable.

I've also been in one too many friendships where I was expected to play second fiddle and be okay with being walked all over, and I won't put myself in that position again, even if I would like to have been supportive of the person in other ways, I won't be the doormat again.
I already have to put up with providing that type of temperament to relatives and others in my family, I can't take it outside of that as well, it's infuriating and exhausting but it's a hard habit to break when you're so vulnerable and frightened of repercussions and negative recourse, of which you do not have the type of protection against, or the tolerance for, that others with other privileges and shielding do.

As Symbiote pointed out, I also seemed to be a magnet for certain types of people, manipulation, control, or abuse (or other things within the same vein, which I am still uncomfortable calling an overall 'abusive' relationship, in the typical sense one might think of it.)

 

[Largeletters]

Not romantic relationships, but friendships and familiar relationships, my parents are both extremely controlling (albeit in different ways) and negligent at the same time.
To be a bit figurative, they are the type to let the caged bird rot inside its prison, while occasionally checking up on it to make sure the hatch is still locked.
They let my siblings get away with so much more than they ever would with me, despite the fact that I am the eldest (or maybe that's partially why, taking the brunt of it so they could go easier on who comes next),
I remember writing in a journal when I was younger and referring to them as "The Controllers" (and I was the typical good student/not a trouble maker archetype), they were definitely a contributing factor to my previous eating disorders as well as the domino effect that destroyed my life, sourced from a cause outside of my control, that was much more in their's.
They take advantage of the fact that I am in the hellish position that ultimately, THEY put me in, yet will blame me for it simultaneously.
They want it both ways.
I ask for the key to the hatch and they accuse me of swallowing it.
They disgust me as human beings, probably some of the biggest hypocrites and purveyors of double standards imaginable.

I've also been in one too many friendships where I was expected to play second fiddle and be okay with being walked all over, and I won't put myself in that position again, even if I would like to have been supportive of the person in other ways, I won't be the doormat again.
I already have to put up with providing that type of temperament to relatives and others in my family, I can't take it outside of that as well, it's infuriating and exhausting but it's a hard habit to break when you're so vulnerable and frightened of repercussions and negative recourse, of which you do not have the type of protection against, or the tolerance for, that others with other privileges and shielding do.

As Symbiote pointed out, I also seemed to be a magnet for certain types of people, manipulation, control, or abuse (or other things within the same vein, which I am still uncomfortable calling an overall 'abusive' relationship, in the typical sense one might think of it.)

I"m very sorry you've been through all of this.

 

[kappa]

Feels like controlling and abusive relationships follow me everywhere I go. I'm a fucking magnet for them.

I was reading a subreddit regarding narcissist abuse.. one person suggested that these type of people throw themselves at anyone, whoever will stick.

They had the theory that we might not be magnets, but we have less boundaries than "average people." For whatever reason it may be- used to being abused, whatever. So we tend to stick around longer, while most people they run into drop them asap.

Interesting thought. Could be putting up with it because it feels normal to us.

 

[ClownMe]

does my mum count?

 

[Symbiote]

I was reading a subreddit regarding narcissist abuse.. one person suggested that these type of people throw themselves at anyone, whoever will stick.

They had the theory that we might not be magnets, but we have less boundaries than "average people." For whatever reason it may be- used to being abused, whatever. So we tend to stick around longer, while most people they run into drop them asap.

Interesting thought. Could be putting up with it because it feels normal to us.

It's like I have a high tolerance for abuse or high threshold for punishment. Which sucks because my mom is #1 in all categories of abuse, and then having to live with that for 13-14 years before I got out of there, she had already groomed me for the next person which will never be like her, but equally as bad. Shitty excuse I came up with, "at least she's not like mom, so it can't be that bad".

 

[Weary Soul]

Yep - and my life was destroyed because of it.

I was, and still am to some extent, blindsided by what was done to me - I cannot imagine doing that to anyone. I literally cannot wrap my head around doing to others what was done to me.

It gets worse, because I blame myself in a lot of ways for not seeing the signs or fulling listening to my instincts and the signs I did see ... sighs, I need to stop blaming myself for other people's damage.. well, if I had time, maybe that is something I could really work on and learn. I imagine it would be life-changing for me.

I am sorry, I can't provide more details of everything that happened right now - too painful (have to push the memories away or I am headed for a bad day - a downward cycle into incredibly painful memories).

I am sorry you understand this type of abuse.

<3

 

[Cant go back]

Yes. In a controlling relationship right now. It never used to be but as my spouses mental illness got worse the controlling has gotten worse. On the good days when I'm asked for my opinion/decision I just say "whatever makes you happy", because I know that if they don't get their way they may lose their shit at some point because of that previous decision. I don't bother putting up a fight as 1. I don't like confrontation and 2. The literal explosion from my spouse causes things to break, words to be screamed and it will ruin the mood on the house for days. As a result I am no longer looking forward to anything because I know the mood at home can literally turn on a dime.
Not really anything I can do about it now. Leaving would make me happy but fill me with guilt for the rest of my life… hence my membership on this forum.

PSA: For those of you that make it to recovery (and I truly hope all of you do) please really GET TO KNOW your potential life partner, I mean years of knowing not weeks or months. Trust me. Trust me. Please!

 

[Largeletters]

Yep - and my life was destroyed because of it.

I was, and still am to some extent, blindsided by what was done to me - I cannot imagine doing that to anyone. I literally cannot wrap my head around doing to others what was done to me.

It gets worse, because I blame myself in a lot of ways for not seeing the signs or fulling listening to my instincts and the signs I did see ... sighs, I need to stop blaming myself for other people's damage.. well, if I had time, maybe that is something I could really work on and learn. I imagine it would be life-changing for me.

I am sorry, I can't provide more details of everything that happened right now - too painful (have to push the memories away or I am headed for a bad day - a downward cycle into incredibly painful memories).

I am sorry you understand this type of abuse.

<3

So sorry this happened to you, and no worries, I hope your day goes as well as it can.

 

[OceanBlue]

Yeah, I stayed because I was trapped for various reasons. I always tried to fight back, but was not as strong physically.
The verbal abuse was bearable, but the physical was much worse, a really humiliating experience having your body abused for no reason.
It was s**t, I'd have crying fits every day, after each occasion. I don't like to admit to things that were done to me.
He enjoys being feared, still stalks me, however it was never one of the reasons why I wanted to stop my existence.

 

[Largeletters]

Yeah, I stayed because I was trapped for various reasons. I always tried to fight back, but was not as strong physically.
The verbal abuse was bearable, but the physical was much worse, a really humiliating experience having your body abused for no reason.
It was s**t, I'd have crying fits every day, after each occasion. I don't like to admit to things that were done to me.
He enjoys being feared, still stalks me, however it was never one of the reasons why I wanted to stop my existence.

I'm really sorry you went through this, my heart goes out to you, though I'm glad it did/does not affect your decision whether to CTB or not.

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

Yes, more like extremely toxic. Can't say anything without regretting it. Narcissistic person completely dependent on money from his mom...and living off my suicide checks...gave him a bunch/all when I felt really done. Still feel done. Just fucking fucked.