Has anyone ever overcome the "curse" (especially in relationships) that comes with C-PTSD and basically blocks all of your efforts at living ?

[Marine]

Has anyone ever overcome the "curse" (especially in relationships) that comes with CPTSD and basically blocks all of your efforts at living ?

It really feels like a curse or an invisible wall that can't be explained by anything concrete nor rational...

Some people talk about negative energy being stuck in the body and creating a repellent magnetic field, others of subconscious negative beliefs preventing the right people from coming into your life, but in any case it's nothing I can rationally explain like "I fucked up there and there". I've been working on myself for 20 years (including therapy), I do it every day, I've tried everything I could think of including purges (my body was unable to for some reason), self hypnosis, personal development, auto suggestions, mind cleansing etc, nothing works.

Since my latest trauma involving my first love and utter existential obliteration, no matter how hard I tried to rebuild a life and find the right person to recover, I seem to attract nothing but people I have no interest in, people even randomly disappear for no reason. It doesn't help that I lost most of my social circles and all I have left is dating sites and bars (I haven't found a way to recover normal activities with our society currently in shambles and after all the betrayals for now) but regardless the stuff that's been happening can't be explained rationally and it's as if the universe kept giving me confirmation that I'm trash unworthy of love yet it didn't let me die (I was so close but was brought back at the last second after days of coma for whatever reason and I can't explain that either) 3 years ago.

I've read a lot about CPTSD but nothing about an invisible wall not caused by one's behaviour so I'm really lost here.

Has anyone been through such a thing and successfully overcome it ?

 

[lyles]

I have CPTSD and I have been able to overcome the strain it put on my ability to form healthy relationships, personally. It hasn't fixed everything, hence me being on this site still, but I do have more stability and better relationships now.

I can't speak to your experiences or give any sure answers but I can tell you what I think helped me get there. I was able to move away from the place of my trauma and sort of "start over". I learned how to establish good boundaries with people and how to interact in a way that doesn't put me at risk while still developing a genuine bond with someone. Communication and honesty are a big part of it for me, but so was being the type of friend I wanted. I wanted the sort of friend who would go on spontaneous adventures to a museum or park with me, so I took friends to the park and museum when I wanted to go! I wanted a friend who would just spend a chill night with me when I was feeling down, so when I found out a friend was having a rough time we would watch movies and eat ice cream and chill together! Once I was the type of friend I wanted to have it attracted those sorts of people into my life. Getting involved in different organizations in the community, volunteering, and stuff like that also helped broaden my social life!

There is no one easy way to go about healing. And this might not feel applicable or feasible for you. I don't know your history or circumstances but I do wish you the best in finding that healing and peace.

 

[Water-Lily]

I have CPTSD and I have been able to overcome the strain it put on my ability to form healthy relationships, personally. It hasn't fixed everything, hence me being on this site still, but I do have more stability and better relationships now.

I can't speak to your experiences or give any sure answers but I can tell you what I think helped me get there. I was able to move away from the place of my trauma and sort of "start over". I learned how to establish good boundaries with people and how to interact in a way that doesn't put me at risk while still developing a genuine bond with someone. Communication and honesty are a big part of it for me, but so was being the type of friend I wanted. I wanted the sort of friend who would go on spontaneous adventures to a museum or park with me, so I took friends to the park and museum when I wanted to go! I wanted a friend who would just spend a chill night with me when I was feeling down, so when I found out a friend was having a rough time we would watch movies and eat ice cream and chill together! Once I was the type of friend I wanted to have it attracted those sorts of people into my life. Getting involved in different organizations in the community, volunteering, and stuff like that also helped broaden my social life!

There is no one easy way to go about healing. And this might not feel applicable or feasible for you. I don't know your history or circumstances but I do wish you the best in finding that healing and peace.

Healing is hard. I have been feeling frustrated in therapy and may therapist. I really like her, and I can't imagine being with anyone else. But, I have been having more repressed memories come up. I hate how they are coming up about my abuser while I am still living in the home where it all happened. They say repressed memories resurface when one feels "safe". But I am not safe yet they come. It feels like my body is trying to hurt me on purpose

 

[motel rooms]

It really feels like a curse or an invisible wall that can't be explained by anything concrete nor rational...
Some people talk about negative energy being stuck in the body and creating a repellent magnetic field, others of subconscious negative beliefs preventing the right people from coming into your life, but in any case it's nothing I can rationally explain like "I fucked up there and there".

No magical/occult explanation is needed, people who spend enough time with you can sense you're traumatized simply because it's pretty hard to hide it... Even if it were possible, it wouldn't be wise to conceal the fact that you have C-PTSD from your romantic partner anyway. Why would I want to fool my husband into believing I'm not traumatized? If I didn't know he loves me despite my mental health issues, I wouldn't have married him. What's the point of being married to a person you can't be yourself with?

 

[Water-Lily]

No magical/occult explanation is needed, people who spend enough time with you can sense you're traumatized simply because it's pretty hard to hide it... Even if it were possible, it wouldn't be wise to conceal the fact that you have C-PTSD from your romantic partner anyway. Why would I want to fool my husband into believing I'm not traumatized? If I didn't know he loves me despite my mental health issues, I wouldn't have married him. What's the point of being married to a person you can't be yourself with?

I am glad you found someone who really cares. I hear that being in a healthy relationship can help those with trauma immensely

 

[Marine]

No magical/occult explanation is needed, people who spend enough time with you can sense you're traumatized simply because it's pretty hard to hide it... Even if it were possible, it wouldn't be wise to conceal the fact that you have C-PTSD from your romantic partner anyway. Why would I want to fool my husband into believing I'm not traumatized? If I didn't know he loves me despite my mental health issues, I wouldn't have married him. What's the point of being married to a person you can't be yourself with?

How does that make me unloveable though ? I'm not talking about anything occult but energetic block seems like the best explanation honestly at this point. I don't try to hide it, I just try not to let it prevent me from being myself. I can still appreciate things and be positive in social situations. And most often we're talking about dating sites interactions (that used to be better fyi) or lack thereof so I'm not sure this can apply there. I very seriously feel like some kind of blockage is going on either way...

I have CPTSD and I have been able to overcome the strain it put on my ability to form healthy relationships, personally. It hasn't fixed everything, hence me being on this site still, but I do have more stability and better relationships now.

I can't speak to your experiences or give any sure answers but I can tell you what I think helped me get there. I was able to move away from the place of my trauma and sort of "start over". I learned how to establish good boundaries with people and how to interact in a way that doesn't put me at risk while still developing a genuine bond with someone. Communication and honesty are a big part of it for me, but so was being the type of friend I wanted. I wanted the sort of friend who would go on spontaneous adventures to a museum or park with me, so I took friends to the park and museum when I wanted to go! I wanted a friend who would just spend a chill night with me when I was feeling down, so when I found out a friend was having a rough time we would watch movies and eat ice cream and chill together! Once I was the type of friend I wanted to have it attracted those sorts of people into my life. Getting involved in different organizations in the community, volunteering, and stuff like that also helped broaden my social life!

There is no one easy way to go about healing. And this might not feel applicable or feasible for you. I don't know your history or circumstances but I do wish you the best in finding that healing and peace.

Thank you. That sounds like the strategies I employed, at least pre plandemic since that ruined most of my social outlets and now I'm lost because there's no going back, but my issue doesn't seem to lie in my (thoroughly analyzed both by me and others) behaviour. I've also worked a lot of improving my confort around others, my sense of self worth and view of the world in general. But it all ended up crumbling due to this relentless hell. When I asked (non toxic / superficial) people often they couldn't find anything wrong with me.

 

[Water-Lily]

How does that make me unloveable though ? I'm not talking about anything occult but energetic block seems like the best explanation honestly at this point. I don't try to hide it, I just try not to let it prevent me from being myself. I can still appreciate things and be positive in social situations. And most often we're talking about dating sites interactions (that used to be better fyi) or lack thereof so I'm not sure this can apply there. I very seriously feel like some kind of blockage is going on either way...

I can relate. I have never been diagnosed with CPTSD (though I probably have it) and have only been in therapy for a few years

I don't have the answers myself. I am still figuring this shit out. So far, what keeps me going each day is making everything simple. I only manages to write a paragraph for my college paper, so I'll leave it at that. I managed to brush my teeth, so thats a success. The small achievements matters.

 

[Marine]

I can relate. I have never been diagnosed with CPTSD (though I probably have it) and have only been in therapy for a few years

I don't have the answers myself. I am still figuring this shit out. So far, what keeps me going each day is making everything simple. I only manages to write a paragraph for my college paper, so I'll leave it at that. I managed to brush my teeth, so thats a success. The small achievements matters.

Thanks. Nothing matters but love for me at this point. Life without it is unbearable and just impossible as a human being anyway. I've reached my limit. Friends, a place to belong and a better environment to improve my physical health / integrity would help but I'm also stuck in these areas. Nothing that I care about seems to work no matter how hard I try.

I am glad you found someone who really cares. I hear that being in a healthy relationship can help those with trauma immensely

That is the only way to heal.

 

[Water-Lily]

Thanks. Nothing matters but love for me at this point. Life without it is unbearable and just impossible as a human being anyway. I've reached my limit. Friends, a place to belong and a better environment to improve my physical health / integrity would help but I'm also stuck in these areas. Nothing that I care about seems to work no matter how hard I try.

I feel this. I am still living in the environment of my trauma. I want to leave and plan to go to grad school this September. Even if not right away, I will get out

I try to keep to myself though I feel guilty wanting to be close to my toxic family. They have their moments, like my dad willingly dropping me off to visit my gran. Or when I tried to help him with groceries he said "don't worry. I got it. I'm super dad". And my grandma treating me to some fish and seasoning it for me so I can have food to eat in the week. This isn't to ignore their own toxic behaviors, but moments like this make it hard

 

[Marine]

I feel this. I am still living in the environment of my trauma. I want to leave and plan to go to grad school this September. Even if not right away, I will get out

I try to keep to myself though I feel guilty wanting to be close to my toxic family. They have their moments, like my dad willingly dropping me off to visit my gran. Or when I tried to help him with groceries he said "don't worry. I got it. I'm super dad". And my grandma treating me to some fish and seasoning it for me so I can have food to eat in the week. This isn't to ignore their own toxic behaviors, but moments like this make it hard

Force to you. You deserve all the love life has to offer.

I still live in the "morgue" I failed my last suicide in... I've been looking for a new apartment for years now.

I will say : do not fall for toxic people's manipulation. If you know they're toxic, get away as fast as you can. If people eventually change they own up to their toxic behaviour and start by apologizing and making it up to you, not dipensing random occasional favours to keep you around.

 

[Water-Lily]

Force to you. You deserve all the love life has to offer.

I still live in the "morgue" I failed my last suicide in... I've been looking for a new apartment for years now.

I will say : do not fall for toxic people's manipulation. If you know they're toxic, get away as fast as you can. If people eventually change they own up to their toxic behaviour and start by apologizing and making it up to you, not dipensing random occasional favours to keep you around.

True. I have been working at standing up for myself a lot more, family included. I also learn when to walk away and to choose my battles

It's all complicated. I still love my family, even my mom abusive mom who died. Theres probably some form of enmeshment or Stockholm in there. But my feelings are my feelings. I just know that when I get away things will be better. For now I am still dependent on them financially especially as I am not able to work (mental health gets in the way I've tried)

 

[Velvet Fortress]

I'm not that much of a spiritual guy so I can't really speak on anything universe-related; from my own perspective as an atheist (I have C-PTSD as well), it's an individual's interaction with their environment that dictates what happens.

Look; I'm in the same position as you when it comes to needing love and belonging that much. The hunger is incredibly intense, unbearable even. Whenever someone shows up or interacts with me for whatever reason, I'm so depraved of basic interaction that I become the human equivalent of a golden retriever wiggling its tail around.

I've also been in a romantic relationship fairly recently. A very healthy one at that. I absolutely hate to say this, but it doesn't solve the hunger. It soothes it, it even eliminates it at the beginning of the relationship, but eventually the craving comes hitting back HARD. It took me a couple months of mourning the break up from last year to realize that it really didn't address anything.

I'm really not an expert on how to satiate that hunger, but my guess as someone who's had nothing but toxic and one-sided friendships and family relations, as someone who just like you worked on myself tirelessly for years and years, is that I think all of this only gets addressed when you gain a deep feeling of social security. That you know you're gonna be ok socially, that whatever happens you won't have to endure that traumatic feeling in one way or another.

C-PTSD is a fucking bitch because everything feels ephemeral. The belief that every socially positive element, be it friendship or belonging is bound to fail compels us to constantly be on the lookout and to have an apprehensive approach towards every potential bond or interaction. And if on top of that, if we retrospectively conclude that there is something inherently wrong with the way we interact with others, that we're just unlikeable and unrelatable (which, I can testify from resonating with this post, you are not), bruh, that shit gets pushed to the thousands.

I can't really prescribe anything really since I haven't figured things out for myself, but I think that it all comes down to finding that sense of "social security". Maybe "finding our tribe" or whatever the fuck that means, maybe convincing ourselves that we're not so socially inept and that we are indeed likeable, probably something in between. Maybe it ultimately comes down to finding a really healthy and compelling social environment from within which we get to observe and reflect on our barriers as they come up.

Idfk, like I said, I'm still a lonely miserable dumbass, I haven't figured out anything. But that's my theory. I don't think you are cursed or that there is anything wrong with us, I think it's a cascade of opportunities that don't even get to reach our doorsteps because we subconsciously shoot them the second we see them.

Take care, sorry you're going through all this. I know how much it sucks.

 

[Marine]

True. I have been working at standing up for myself a lot more, family included. I also learn when to walk away and to choose my battles

It's all complicated. I still love my family, even my mom abusive mom who died. Theres probably some form of enmeshment or Stockholm in there. But my feelings are my feelings. I just know that when I get away things will be better. For now I am still dependent on them financially especially as I am not able to work (mental health gets in the way I've tried)

If your family is made of psychopaths like mine, there's no way to confront such people. I haven't been able to cut all ties yet for the same reason but I keep them physically and psychologically at bay as much as possible. I only interact with them through mail for administrative matters, and they know that they can't do just anything to me anymore because I've threatened them to go to court when they wanted to make me homeless for instance before. I do survive on disability benefits though so my living doesn't depend on them entirely, I just need a garantor for my apartment basically.

 

[Water-Lily]

If your family is made of psychopaths like mine, there's no way to confront such people. I haven't been able to cut all ties yet for the same reason but I keep them physically and psychologically at bay as much as possible. I only interact with them through mail for administrative matters, and they know that they can't do just anything to me anymore because I've threatened them to go to court when they wanted to make me homeless for instance before. I do survive on disability benefits though so my living doesn't depend on them entirely, I just need a garantor for my apartment basically.

My mom was def psyhcopathic. However even she had her moments where I can look back and say she cared, though she was unwilling to change. My family has their toxic/abusive moments though they do help me whenever they can. I know no matter what, if I am down financially or need to spend time my family will be on the phone with me for hours if needed. My grandma always has her door open for me especially

 

[motel rooms]

How does that make me unloveable though ? I'm not talking about anything occult but energetic block seems like the best explanation honestly at this point. I don't try to hide it, I just try not to let it prevent me from being myself. I can still appreciate things and be positive in social situations.

It doesn't make you unlovable... Dating is hard for everyone. It's hard for me to "diagnose" you, I'd have to be able to observe your behavior in social situations. Maybe you come across as very nervous or insecure or too eager/needy, I have no idea. I actually know way too much about one-night stands & very little about dating. It's not that I never wanted to be in a relationship & experience true intimacy, quite the contrary; I was just sure that nobody would be interested in dealing with the real, wounded me.

The real me is very different from my "public persona". I'm told I'm handsome & funny, but people also get quite nervous when I go quiet because I'm not exactly a tiny guy, so it isn't terribly hard for me to avoid being asked questions I don't want to answer & hide my C-PTSD. I'm only married because my husband is traumatized too & he didn't run for the hills when I unexpectedly broke down in tears in front of him & told him things about my past I'd never dreamed I'd tell anyone irl.

I'm not talking about anything occult but energetic block seems like the best explanation honestly at this point.

I very seriously feel like some kind of blockage is going on either way...

Well, yeah, C-PTSD is all about complicated psychological blocks & barriers...

 

[Marine]

It doesn't make you unlovable... Dating is hard for everyone. It's hard for me to "diagnose" you, I'd have to be able to observe your behavior in social situations. Maybe you come across as very nervous or insecure or too eager/needy, I have no idea. I actually know way too much about one-night stands & very little about dating. It's not that I never wanted to be in a relationship & experience true intimacy, quite the contrary; I was just sure that nobody would be interested in dealing with the real, wounded me.

The real me is very different from my "public persona". I'm told I'm handsome & funny, but people also get quite nervous when I go quiet because I'm not exactly a tiny guy, so it isn't terribly hard for me to avoid being asked questions I don't want to answer & hide my C-PTSD. I'm only married because my husband is traumatized too & he didn't run for the hills when I unexpectedly broke down in tears in front of him & told him things about my past I'd never dreamed I'd tell anyone irl.




Well, yeah, C-PTSD is all about complicated psychological blocks & barriers...

So basically you're the living proof that it's possible to be accepted and loved by someone capable of understanding you then.

How did you meet your husband ?

It's always be beyond me why so many people discriminate wounded humans (who face their wounds and are willing to grow, not people who run from them). What is wrong with that ? If anything it makes one more human, loving, strong, and conscious of many things that can help in a relationship. Realistically we all have wounds of some sort so it doesn't make any sense to discriminate that.

Plus healing is completely possible with love... I don't get it.
It's probably linked to nonsense propangada about strong and weak links wich is an absolute lie, life has been proven to evolve and thrive precisely due to cooperation and bonding (not just for reproduction) by now, not competition, yet most people haven't updated their belief system.

Also needing love as a normal part of being a human and being needy aren't the same thing. I don't really buy into the concept of neediness anyway but to clarify.

I know it's not easy to understand what's going on but I don't believe it's behavioural, at least for the most part, it goes beyond that. I've improved my behaviour and my thinking A LOT with therapy, personal development, self reflection, learning, and just facing my fears and connecting with people anyway by focusing on my appreciation of them rather than on my weaknesses.

I've also become more accepting of my weaknesses (at least of my trauma), though I guess I found new ones I'm trying to fix (I don't know how to do better with that though) but in any case I've found for me that no growth, no healing can happen outside of connections. If I'm disconnected from people I end up being disconnected from myself and the world as a whole. That's what the plandemic did to me, and what every new betrayal and rejection contributes to. I know some extent of that is normal. What I'm experiencing is not however, I'm absolutely sure of that. It's on a quantum level.

 

[Water-Lily]

So basically you're the living proof that it's possible to be accepted and loved by someone capable of understanding you then.

How did you meet your husband ?

It's always be beyond me why so many people discriminate wounded humans (who face their wounds and are willing to grow, not people who run from them). What is wrong with that ? If anything it makes one more human, loving, strong, and conscious of many things that can help in a relationship. Realistically we all have wounds of some sort so it doesn't make any sense to discriminate that.

Plus healing is completely possible with love... I don't get it.
It's probably linked to nonsense propangada about strong and weak links wich is an absolute lie, life has been proven to evolve and thrive precisely due to cooperation and bonding (not just for reproduction) by now, not competition, yet most people haven't updated their belief system.

Also needing love as a normal part of being a human and being needy aren't the same thing. I don't really buy into the concept of neediness anyway but to clarify.

I know it's not easy to understand what's going on but I don't believe it's behavioural, at least for the most part, it goes beyond that. I've improved my behaviour and my thinking A LOT with therapy, personal development, self reflection, learning, and just facing my fears and connecting with people anyway by focusing on my appreciation of them rather than on my weaknesses.

I've also become more accepting of my weaknesses (at least of my trauma), though I guess I found new ones I'm trying to fix (I don't know how to do better with that though) but in any case I've found for me that no growth, no healing can happen outside of connections. If I'm disconnected from people I end up being disconnected from myself and the world as a whole. That's what the plandemic did to me, and what every new betrayal and rejection contributes to. I know some extent of that is normal. What I'm experiencing is not however, I'm absolutely sure of that. It's on a quantum level.

Healing is a hard journey. I've been in a rough patch in my own therapy in realizing the many things my mom did to me and the impact they had on me. Not only that, but seeing my family more for how toxic they are and the relationships they have with each other. So many generational trauma issues and how I suffered in all that. Still a lot to process, and might not make sense till I get older and do more work

I think many people don't know how to respond to peoples wounds. As a society we are becoming more open about mental health and healing, and its becoming more mainstream. Though for many its still hard to grasp and understand. I like how you are still working on yourself. Sadly when it comes to trauma there is not end date to processing, which in a way feels hopeless. But I guess that is what we'll have to do

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I have CPTSD and all my relationships go down the drain eventually. I feel uninteresting, repellant, and I'm not good at putting effort into the relationship due to depression. I lose interest in sex after a while, and I start to self-isolate and live in my own fantasy world at a given point once the situation doesn't live up to my expectations. I'm unproductive and struggle to work, leading me to spend too much time at home. I also have an invisible illness which makes my default life experience horrible, and I'm fatigued all the time making me unable to inject energy into whatever area of my life needs it. All those things combined and it's only a matter of time before the relationship implodes completely.

I won't ever be happy with someone because I'll destroy it just by being me. And as much as I've tried to explain myself above, I do still sometimes feel like I suffer from an invisible curse. In reality it's probably a fusion of the various things I've described combined with a few others I'm sure I've missed.

 

[Marine]

I have CPTSD and all my relationships go down the drain eventually. I feel uninteresting, repellant, and I'm not good at putting effort into the relationship due to depression. I lose interest in sex after a while, and I start to self-isolate and live in my own fantasy world at a given point once the situation doesn't live up to my expectations. I'm unproductive and struggle to work, leading me to spend too much time at home. I also have an invisible illness which makes my default life experience horrible, and I'm fatigued all the time making me unable to inject energy into whatever area of my life needs it. All those things combined and it's only a matter of time before the relationship implodes completely.

I won't ever be happy with someone because I'll destroy it just by being me. And as much as I've tried to explain myself above, I do still sometimes feel like I suffer from an invisible curse. In reality it's probably a fusion of the various things I've described combined with a few others I'm sure I've missed.

According to what you said you're a typical illustration of how C-PTSD ruins relationships through behaviour in an understandable manner, so the opposite of my situation then. I still manage to invest effort, be positive, sweet, considerate and outgoing with people. When things go well at least. I do need consideration though I guess. I have a tendency to overestimate people and think they can understand whatever I explain to them because I consider it basic humaneness...

I'm sorry you're going through all of that.

One thing I can relate to is ending up isolated often due to not having an activity and relationships... I still go out whenever I can, but I struglle with not having many places to go to where I can meet (decent) people anymore, and even at home I'm always on dating sites and meet up sites (where nothing happens lately). I used to meet many people that way (even during the plandemic) but lately the curse prevents anything on or offline from working for whatever reason... My trauma is fully back because of this and I'm stuck in my eating disorder and despair as a result... Whenever I try to connect positively with someone, nothing happens. They just don't respond anymore. Sometimes we have a nice conversation make plans to meet and they just disappear the next day... It's as if the universe is saying "no, you're not worth connecting to someone you're interested in", may it be friends or romantic prospects... It's beyond my comprehension.

I don't think you or anyone should be doomed though. It doesn't make sense to me and I'm not ok with ending that way since I was brought back from death 3 times now and I'm sick of going though this.

 

[Marine]

I just came across my narcissist ex's (first love who obliterated me 3 years ago and lead to several suicide attempts) profile on a dating site who said "his heart was taken" but he was still open to another relationship (he's polyamorous) and I feel such heartbreak, despair and rage still ! I hope he'll break up soon and stay alone and loveless until he owns up to the hell he put me in and makes it up to me... Why do I still care so much about such a guy ?! I really can't forgive what he did to me, it's only gone downhill from there and I can't seem to fix it no matter what...

 

[Water-Lily]

I just came across my narcissist ex's (first love who obliterated me 3 years ago and lead to several suicide attempts) profile on a dating site who said his heart was taken but he was still open for another relationship (he's polyamorous) and I feel such heartbreak, despair and rage still ! I hope he'll break up soon and stay alone until he owns up to the hell he created for me... Why do I still care so much about such a guy ?! I really can't forgive what he did to me, it's only gone downhill from there and I can't seem to fix it no matter what...

I fixate on my abuers at times too. You are not alone. I think a thing that helps is knowing that he will never ever feel true happiness. Narcissits are incapable of creating truly intermit relationships. Whenever relationship he gets into will just be a bunch of give and take, fear and manipulation and abuse. He will be in a cycle of filling a hole that cannot be filled and will forever be miserable

Even though we have the scars from their abuse in us. we at least have a chance to experience being a better person. They will never have that

 

[Marine]

I fixate on my abuers at times too. You are not alone. I think a thing that helps is knowing that he will never ever feel true happiness. Narcissits are incapable of creating truly intermit relationships. Whenever relationship he gets into will just be a bunch of give and take, fear and manipulation and abuse. He will be in a cycle of filling a hole that cannot be filled and will forever be miserable

Even though we have the scars from their abuse in us. we at least have a chance to experience being a better person. They will never have that

This abuser is someone I've loved to the point of killing myself twice. He's nothing like my genitors or people who bullied / abused me who i don't give a damn about, it can't even be compared. I keep trying to tell myself that yeah, he's trash, he's not capable of love and he must have found just another prey, but I know he's attractive AF and at first glance he appeared really loving despite being an asshole an a moron with me, and I can't stand him "loving" someone else after what he did to me and while I'm still rotting in hell. I need revenge (aka finding better than him) to heal from that. I'm still terrified to meet him whenever I go out, and since he's my type that makes things way complicated when meeting people who look like him and I'm attracted to but don't know if it might be him and no one I'm attracted to even looks at me anyway so I keep reliving this annihilation over and over... Fuck all of this.

 

[woe-boy]

Hi there OP and fellow people with troubled times:

I am 25, and just had my first in-person relationship ever last November, with the break up in late December, Christmas actually. Christmas will never be the same for me.

I am gay, but I live in a vehemently Catholic household with a homophobic set of parents who treat my feelings like this. They think I am a teenager or younger in terms of my mental capacity and how they respect my being. I can't hold down a job, do not have a drivers license. I prefer to stay at home at all times because I am SICK of going places with my parents. They are toxic, evil, disrespectful, and thoughtless of me.

I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder last February by an 86-year-old psychiatrist. I know it's C-PTSD differential diagnosis of how there are so many similarities to my condition. Especially picture-perfect flashbacks with feelings of being destroyed or canceled because of mistakes I have made. I am not on medication, even though some kind of take as-needed medication would serve me extremely well. I am sober and off drugs (cannabis) for nearly a year. Besides the occasional Vicodin I have to take from my dad's medicine cabinet because my brain's fight or flight response is uncontrollable, I have to take something. I had to go to the big city a few weeks ago- from my suburban area recently, which made me have to take drugs to not get flashbacks of sneaking out on a date that my parents would've killed me over.

I am grateful for living in a nice home, with a lovely facade, but it's a scam. It is a toxic hellhole that will probably kill me in the end. Little do they know of my actual suffering, they just think it is from pandemic lockdown. I have a broken heart, my innocence stolen, my happiness destroyed and they think going to the CASINO is going to give me peace of mind. I need a long vacation.

I am fighting like hell inside to keep living. I've gone through moral and psychological leaps and bounds. I've gone to my Catholic roots to find peace, which only leads me to pure discourse. Religion did not help me. It hurt me, badly. And I still have to attend TV mass on Sunday because of their toxicity.

I will lose most of my youth, and the happiness that comes with this time of life because of my situation, but at least when I am older I can always try to gain back what I didn't get at this time in some way. Or I just kick the can, which seems more likely.

Life is a beautiful place if you're in a good situation. It is not if you don't have a real, supportive family to agree with you or help you follow your desires. Thank heavens I have some incredible friends who probably saved my life. I would be dead without them.

Keep hope everybody, for my sake and for everyone on this forum who is going through what feels like psychological hell and prison wrapped in one. We are worth something, we will be loved. But how? When? The wheel is in spin and who knows when it'll fuckin stop.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

Life is a beautiful place if you're in a good situation. It is not if you don't have a real, supportive family to agree with you or help you follow your desires.

This. This makes all the difference.

 

[woe-boy]

This. This makes all the difference.

For sure. I recently met a friend who went to a prestigious school I always dreamed of attending. His parents could fork over $250,000 — more than our net worth probably, just for a degree. In something he is not even currently doing.

Life is fucked and the things some people truly deserve go to the entirely wrong people.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

Life is fucked and the things some people truly deserve go to the entirely wrong people.

Totally. Life is really unfair. Some with so much and others with so little.

 

[Marine]

Well I've had the first exorcist on the phone today, he said he found a curse placed on me by my genitors and entities in my apartment where I attempted suicide and stayed between life and death for 4 days and that he blocked them so I should be free and see things get better within a week. All of that is way beyond me as I know nothing about black magic, if it even exists or not so I'm giving this the benefit of the doubt, he was a recommendation of a therapist who was taking that seriously, but I hope it's true so I can actually get to live freely now and meet my needs. I'm observing how things go from now on. This is curious for sure.