Venting Has anyone else completely lost their fucking mind...

[Broken Blue]

...and are completely unable to get out.

I'm sorry for this post, it's not productive in any way but I honestly wonder what the hell is happening to me. This backwards enduring hell is eating me alive. As you can probably tell I've completely cracked

I have a very close tie to a family member and I'm screwed, until they pass I just cannot get out. I know a lot of you are trapped in one way or another whether it's family or people that are tieing you here, survival instinct, access to methods, or maybe the fact that down to your core you just don't want to have to do this, to wish for life and pray that things were different.

I could go on a tangent in this post about a million things at once or mostly jibberish but I'll just say this - for anyone who is utterly trapped in whatever way, for whatever reason... I truly feel for you and I think you guys are some of the only people that would unsterdand this

Wherever you are at right now I'm wishing you luck

 

[BurningLights]

I feel like I've lost the plot at times, Im sure my whole die on DMT was some kind of mental snap.

 

[Eden2k]

...and are completely unable to get out.

I'm sorry for this post, it's not productive in any way but I honestly wonder what the hell is happening to me. This backwards enduring hell is eating me alive. As you can probably tell I've completely cracked

I have a very close tie to a family member and I'm screwed, until they pass I just cannot get out. I know a lot of you are trapped in one way or another whether it's family or people that are tieing you here, survival instinct, access to methods, or maybe the fact that down to your core you just don't want to have to do this, to wish for life and pray that things were different.

I could go on a tangent in this post about a million things at once or mostly jibberish but I'll just say this - for anyone who is utterly trapped in whatever way, for whatever reason... I truly feel for you and I think you guys are some of the only people that would unsterdand this

Wherever you are at right now I'm wishing you luck

Similar situation. I can definitely relate.

 

[Fucking loving it]

I can relate. I'm trapped here for a while. :/

 

[Donewith_]

Thank you, wish you luck too. Hope you too get untied from what is hindering you.

 

[Xerxes]

I've lost my fucking mind and my heart is shaken and broken. My wife sees this but doesn't do anything. My wife sees I'm starting to feel dead inside and out, but she doesn't care or hug me. So when I'm officially passed on, she will live on like I didn't exist.

 

[sini]

I've lost my fucking mind and my heart is shaken and broken. My wife sees this but doesn't do anything. My wife sees I'm starting to feel dead inside and out, but she doesn't care or hug me. So when I'm officially passed on, she will live on like I didn't exist.

I'm sorry to hear that. Though I'm sure she loves you and will miss you if you're gone. Can you talk to her openly?

Things may not always be as they feel. People often don't know what to say or do to make grieving, depressed or sick and dieing to feel better and fear that they say something wrong making them feel worse. When you feel that nothing you say can make other one feel any better (what grieving, depressed and sick often say to well meaning cliches) many say almost nothing.
Also when someone is in great pain and suffer every day loved ones often need to distance themselves from it mentally so that they can cope themselves so that they don't sink in deep depression themselves and because it hurts them so fucking much that their loved one is in great pain and/or dieing and they (and in worst case nobody) can't fix it. Especially when you love very much that person. It may feel like they don't care when in reality they care too much.

Often people live like usually and talk daily things being afraid to talk about the subject that is too hard for them and which they think is too hard for the other one and because they are afraid that they say something wrong and can't really relate to their situation. For example when your loved one who wants to live has gotten terminal disease and don't have long to live. Then the dieing may feel that nobody cares.

I think that is why it's way more easier for people to talk to others in
same situation and mostly because only they can really understand and relate to how they feel. They can also take it, all the negative thoughts and feelings.

I have sadly had to live both parts.

 

[Louise]

I've lost my mind more times than I can count, been forcibly hospitalised likewise. I relate to feeling trapped 100%. Just coming into this world was a trap. Now I have a son I never planned for, betrayed by my own body and mind. I don't know if I can justify leaving him alone in this world (he's almost 23). This is what I mean when I say life itself is a trap.

 

[Miss clefable]

Yes :( I've been self harming daily to cope

 

[Miss clefable]

I've lost my fucking mind and my heart is shaken and broken. My wife sees this but doesn't do anything. My wife sees I'm starting to feel dead inside and out, but she doesn't care or hug me. So when I'm officially passed on, she will live on like I didn't exist.

I will hug you instead

 

[Jon86]

Well, I watched about 50-100 death videos the other night and didn't flinch once. Can't remember them beside the HD ISIS beheadings. I miss the days, where i'd recoil and feel deep sadness/pain watching these. I feel basically nothing, at most I feel more cynical.

I've battled depression for 20 years but only in the last 5 or so have I truly felt like i lost a crucial part of my humanity.

 

[sini]

Well, I watched about 50-100 death videos the other night and didn't flinch once. Can't remember them beside the HD ISIS beheadings. I miss the days, where i'd recoil and feel deep sadness/pain watching these. I feel basically nothing, at most I feel more cynical.

I've battled depression for 20 years but only in the last 5 or so have I truly felt like i lost a crucial part of my humanity.

I'm really sorry to hear that. Have something very traumatic happened to you?

 

[Strumgewehr]

...and are completely unable to get out.

I'm sorry for this post, it's not productive in any way but I honestly wonder what the hell is happening to me. This backwards enduring hell is eating me alive. As you can probably tell I've completely cracked

I have a very close tie to a family member and I'm screwed, until they pass I just cannot get out. I know a lot of you are trapped in one way or another whether it's family or people that are tieing you here, survival instinct, access to methods, or maybe the fact that down to your core you just don't want to have to do this, to wish for life and pray that things were different.

I could go on a tangent in this post about a million things at once or mostly jibberish but I'll just say this - for anyone who is utterly trapped in whatever way, for whatever reason... I truly feel for you and I think you guys are some of the only people that would unsterdand this

Wherever you are at right now I'm wishing you luck

Sometimes I feel like there's a worm chewing my brain from the inside.

 

[Xerxes]

I'm sorry to hear that. Though I'm sure she loves you and will miss you if you're gone. Can you talk to her openly?

Things may not always be as they feel. People often don't know what to say or do to make grieving, depressed or sick and dieing to feel better and fear that they say something wrong making them feel worse. When you feel that nothing you say can make other one feel any better (what grieving, depressed and sick often say to well meaning cliches) many say almost nothing.
Also when someone is in great pain and suffer every day loved ones often need to distance themselves from it mentally so that they can cope themselves so that they don't sink in deep depression themselves and because it hurts them so fucking much that their loved one is in great pain and/or dieing and they (and in worst case nobody) can't fix it. Especially when you love very much that person. It may feel like they don't care when in reality they care too much.

Often people live like usually and talk daily things being afraid to talk about the subject that is too hard for them and which they think is too hard for the other one and because they are afraid that they say something wrong and can't really relate to their situation. For example when your loved one who wants to live has gotten terminal disease and don't have long to live. Then the dieing may feel that nobody cares.

I think that is why it's way more easier for people to talk to others in
same situation and mostly because only they can really understand and relate to how they feel. They can also take it, all the negative thoughts and feelings.

I have sadly had to live both parts.

I just got off the phone with her, she forgives me like she always does, but then brings up another screw up I did from months ago, and another, and another. So I feel more and more like shit. I'm gonna go home, cook her dinner while she's at work, and then do what I do best which is disappear. I'm not worthy of her love and she shouldn't lie to herself about loving me because I've seen it over and over that it is not true. It's time I go on vacation.

 

[Jon86]

I'm really sorry to hear that. Have something very traumatic happened to you?

Yes, repeatedly.

Honestly, the worst is that suffering just brings more suffering. The most tragic thing that's ever happened is gaining and losing hope thousands of times.

 

[BjartNO]

Well, I watched about 50-100 death videos the other night and didn't flinch once. Can't remember them beside the HD ISIS beheadings. I miss the days, where i'd recoil and feel deep sadness/pain watching these. I feel basically nothing, at most I feel more cynical.

I don't mean to be an ass, but watching large amounts of these videos will obviously desensitivize you to them. It would have happened to anyone.

 

[Jon86]

I don't mean to be an ass, but watching large amounts of these videos will obviously desensitivize you to them. It would have happened to anyone.

There is truth to that yes, I don't watch them that often but over the years it would probably add up.

Like porn the first time you see it your dick is rock hard after a while you have a dozen tabs open and it's whatever.

I have a softy in regards to death, it's just whatever. I don't give a fuck, not like I used to. It's not from overdosing on death videos it's from endless hopeless depression imo.

 

[sini]

I just got off the phone with her, she forgives me like she always does, but then brings up another screw up I did from months ago, and another, and another. So I feel more and more like shit. I'm gonna go home, cook her dinner while she's at work, and then do what I do best which is disappear. I'm not worthy of her love and she shouldn't lie to herself about loving me because I've seen it over and over that it is not true. It's time I go on vacation.

If she didn't love you at all she wouldn't be with you.

Can't you openly tell her how it makes you feel sad, worthless and unloved when she blames you for past screw ups and ask her straight why she does that? If someone wants change they have to support and encourage other and not bring them down. No coach would ever keep telling his athlete how he fucked up and lost before and how he is therefor going to always loose. Competitioner may say that to bring his confidence down so he could beat him. You should be in same team if you are going to be together.
It sounds also she is insecure herself. Maybe she is scared it will happen again and feels that what ever the screw ups were that they were solid proof that you don't really love her.

If you openly and honestly tell her how you feel (also telling how much you love her and without sounding you blame her for blaming you), I think she will open up to you also.

I don't know what the screw ups were. Big ones that broke others heart or small ones like getting a ticket for speeding, forgetting something important etc. normal things in life.

If for example woman cheats a man and regrets and relationship continues the man may bring it up many times because it's on his mind, because he fears so much he will loose her and that he is never going to be enough and can't give what the other one wants. So basically he is afraid she don't love him more than anyone like he loves her and that he will loose her. When he brings it up she tells him how much she loves him and nobody else, the things he needed to hear. In that case it's understandable.

If a couple saves their little money together for the good of both and the other one uses all their savings or big part of it on him/herself that's the proof of lack of love for the other too. The loss of money wouldn't be so hurtfull than knowing that the person who you love so much don't love you or at least not as much as you love him.

It can take lots of time to forget big hurt for example cheating and to trust the other one again and to give ones own broken heart to the other when he/she was the one who broke it. Especially if the one who got cheated has low selfesteem already.

Fuck ups like accidentally crashing a car etc. are totally different thing. Everyone does them and people shouldn't be blamed for accidents and for little things like saying something wrong, getting too drunk in Christmas party etc. People should learn to laugh about those screw ups.

I don't mean to be an ass, but watching large amounts of these videos will obviously desensitivize you to them. It would have happened to anyone.

 

[sini]

There is truth to that yes, I don't watch them that often but over the years it would probably add up.

Like porn the first time you see it your dick is rock hard after a while you have a dozen tabs open and it's whatever.

I have a softy in regards to death, it's just whatever. I don't give a fuck, not like I used to. It's not from overdosing on death videos it's from endless hopeless depression imo.

It's common to feel numb and detached from feelings when depressed or after big shock or traumas. It's actually one coping mecanism in humans. Traumas can have long lasting effect. When something is way too much to handle a person can detach himself from feelings to cope. Since one can't stop thinking.

In many profession people have to learn to do it like people in E.R. etc. Then it can also be hard for some to feel normally always after work.

 

[Jon86]

It's common to feel numb and detached from feelings when depressed or after big shock or traumas. It's actually one coping mecanism in humans. Traumas can have long lasting effect. When something is way too much to handle a person can detach himself from feelings to cope. Since one can't stop thinking.

In many profession people have to learn to do it like people in E.R. etc. Then it can also be hard for some to feel normally always after work.

It's the health problems (physical), numerous skin diseases, ibs, injuries from sports (countless) that have wrecked me over the years.

You can compartmentalize trauma, horrible life events, etc. it's really fucking hard to do that with a broken body, especially if it starts when you are young and need to make a living. I've dealt with this shit for 20 years.....

 

[Xerxes]

If she didn't love you at all she wouldn't be with you.

Can't you openly tell her how it makes you feel sad, worthless and unloved when she blames you for past screw ups and ask her straight why she does that? If someone wants change they have to support and encourage other and not bring them down. No coach would ever keep telling his athlete how he fucked up and lost before and how he is therefor going to always loose. Competitioner may say that to bring his confidence down so he could beat him. You should be in same team if you are going to be together.
It sounds also she is insecure herself. Maybe she is scared it will happen again and feels that what ever the screw ups were that they were solid proof that you don't really love her.

If you openly and honestly tell her how you feel (also telling how much you love her and without sounding you blame her for blaming you), I think she will open up to you also.

I don't know what the screw ups were. Big ones that broke others heart or small ones like getting a ticket for speeding, forgetting something important etc. normal things in life.

If for example woman cheats a man and regrets and relationship continues the man may bring it up many times because it's on his mind, because he fears so much he will loose her and that he is never going to be enough and can't give what the other one wants. So basically he is afraid she don't love him more than anyone like he loves her and that he will loose her. When he brings it up she tells him how much she loves him and nobody else, the things he needed to hear. In that case it's understandable.

If a couple saves their little money together for the good of both and the other one uses all their savings or big part of it on him/herself that's the proof of lack of love for the other too. The loss of money wouldn't be so hurtfull than knowing that the person who you love so much don't love you or at least not as much as you love him.

It can take lots of time to forget big hurt for example cheating and to trust the other one again and to give ones own broken heart to the other when he/she was the one who broke it. Especially if the one who got cheated has low selfesteem already.

Fuck ups like accidentally crashing a car etc. are totally different thing. Everyone does them and people shouldn't be blamed for accidents and for little things like saying something wrong, getting too drunk in Christmas party etc. People should learn to laugh about those screw ups.

I've done all you said, she'll reply, "If you loved me you wouldn't do this and this and this". And these are small petty things that for me is laughable, but for her it's all serious. I can't recount the number of times she's scolded me for not answering her text in 5 mins because i was busy at work or trying to type up a response. Our latest spat is about me watching Youtube at work on my lunch time when I should've asked her permission if I could do that at my own workplace. She watches Youtube all the time at work and at home and I don't complain or badger her about it. She has rich friends, I'm not that wealthy. She blames me for my past screw ups in college. I never went to college, but I'm a cybersec. engineer making 85k a year. Still not enough and I should be making 200k a year. A lot of these things are wearing me down emotionally and mentally. She wants to stay married even though we're incompatible. If I dare divorce her, she promises she'll destroy me in the process and make sure I'm homeless.

 

[Made4TV]

I really understand this. I was getting along OK until 2.5 years ago when I had a massive trauma that unleashed all of the other trauma in my past and I had a full fucking breakdown. Like unable to care for myself, felt like I was going out of my mind. Didn't know at the time I had multiple personalities so I was switching constantly and careening between different emotions and states of mind and doing things totally out of character. It was confusing and awful and I am still trying to pick up all the pieces. Things that used to make sense didn't anymore. I used to be very strong - very resilient, and suddenly everything was putting me over the edge. Everything felt like the end of the world, even if it was (in hindsight) relatively minor. Everything felt like a trigger. At the same time, I had some strong reasons why I wanted to keep living, wanted to try to figure it out. I have been working for the last 2.5 years to get to a more stable place, and that has happened over time. But feeling like you're losing your mind, losing the plot, all of that - not yourself, is so difficult. I think we need a constant sense of a stable self internally in order to do well in this world. I felt I lost that. Internally right now I feel like my knee that is fucked up. It's sometimes painful, sometimes just sore, sometimes stabbing, and totally unstable. I can't completely trust it. It's hard when you feel that way about yourself. Maybe I am projecting too much...but I related to what you said. I also feel stuck, because I have some wonderful people who have been with me through the last 2.5 years and have helped me in so many unselfish ways. I feel like to ctb would be like a stab in the back. Like "thanks for nothing." And I feel like I can't do that to them. I'm stuck.

 

[sini]

I've done all you said, she'll reply, "If you loved me you wouldn't do this and this and this". And these are small petty things that for me is laughable, but for her it's all serious. I can't recount the number of times she's scolded me for not answering her text in 5 mins because i was busy at work or trying to type up a response. Our latest spat is about me watching Youtube at work on my lunch time when I should've asked her permission if I could do that at my own workplace. She watches Youtube all the time at work and at home and I don't complain or badger her about it. She has rich friends, I'm not that wealthy. She blames me for my past screw ups in college. I never went to college, but I'm a cybersec. engineer making 85k a year. Still not enough and I should be making 200k a year. A lot of these things are wearing me down emotionally and mentally. She wants to stay married even though we're incompatible. If I dare divorce her, she promises she'll destroy me in the process and make sure I'm homeless.

It really do sound you are incompatible and that's not healthy from her part. Those are not screw ups. ;) She just makes excuses to bash you or fight you for nothing. Does she have really low selfesteem? It sounds like it and that she needs you to tell and show her how much you love her and good things about her. Does it help if you do that a lot?

Have you thought about counseling?

I have met women (also one man) who have very low selfesteem and who always therefor turn everything others do or say to negative because they are so sure that they don't like them. Also the nice things others try to say or do. Controlling and jealousy comes also from that.
I tried to tell them how beautyfull and nice they are when they kept complaining how ugly they are and let them deside everything and always be right in everything. No help. My friend blamed me even for her bulimia and anorexia which she said started because I was skinnier than her.
I saw it all as a result of just low selfesteem and felt for them since some had very traumatic past.

Anyway I get you. There is no way she can make you homeless. How property and money is divided depends where you live but wives really can't take everything in divorce even if they threaten to.

I've done all you said, she'll reply, "If you loved me you wouldn't do this and this and this". And these are small petty things that for me is laughable, but for her it's all serious. I can't recount the number of times she's scolded me for not answering her text in 5 mins because i was busy at work or trying to type up a response. Our latest spat is about me watching Youtube at work on my lunch time when I should've asked her permission if I could do that at my own workplace. She watches Youtube all the time at work and at home and I don't complain or badger her about it. She has rich friends, I'm not that wealthy. She blames me for my past screw ups in college. I never went to college, but I'm a cybersec. engineer making 85k a year. Still not enough and I should be making 200k a year. A lot of these things are wearing me down emotionally and mentally. She wants to stay married even though we're incompatible. If I dare divorce her, she promises she'll destroy me in the process and make sure I'm homeless.

 

[Moony21]

I've lost my fucking mind and my heart is shaken and broken. My wife sees this but doesn't do anything. My wife sees I'm starting to feel dead inside and out, but she doesn't care or hug me. So when I'm officially passed on, she will live on like I didn't exist.

That's so sad... how could she acts like this? I am truely sorry.

 

[sini]

It really do sound you are incompatible and that's not healthy from her part. Those are not screw ups. ;) She just makes excuses to bash you or fight you for nothing. Does she have really low selfesteem? It sounds like it and that she needs you to tell and show her how much you love her and good things about her. Does it help if you do that a lot?

Have you thought about counseling?

I have met women (also one man) who have very low selfesteem and who always therefor turn everything others do or say to negative because they are so sure that they don't like them. Also the nice things others try to say or do. Controlling and jealousy comes also from that.
I tried to tell them how beautyfull and nice they are when they kept complaining how ugly they are and let them deside everything and always be right in everything. No help. My friend blamed me even for her bulimia and anorexia which she said started because I was skinnier than her.
I saw it all as a result of just low selfesteem and felt for them since some had very traumatic past.

Anyway I get you. There is no way she can make you homeless. How property and money is divided depends where you live but wives really can't take everything in divorce even if they threaten to.

I hope you get to have the love you deserve in this life. If not from her then I wish you would meet someone who loves you the same way. You seem like a such a nice guy trying to please her etc. I believe you can have that if things don't work out with her. It's so sad that you think about suicide because of other person and someone who has promised to love and care for you always.

 

[sólstafir]

I'm losing my mind right this second, and so many times a day, where the f'ck do I even go if my brain is with me forever in this life. UrRRRRRRRRRRRRGH .. I can't sleep anymore recently and there are nails in my head

 

[Justanotherconsumer]

 

[Idorus]

I've done all you said, she'll reply, "If you loved me you wouldn't do this and this and this". And these are small petty things that for me is laughable, but for her it's all serious. I can't recount the number of times she's scolded me for not answering her text in 5 mins because i was busy at work or trying to type up a response. Our latest spat is about me watching Youtube at work on my lunch time when I should've asked her permission if I could do that at my own workplace. She watches Youtube all the time at work and at home and I don't complain or badger her about it. She has rich friends, I'm not that wealthy. She blames me for my past screw ups in college. I never went to college, but I'm a cybersec. engineer making 85k a year. Still not enough and I should be making 200k a year. A lot of these things are wearing me down emotionally and mentally. She wants to stay married even though we're incompatible. If I dare divorce her, she promises she'll destroy me in the process and make sure I'm homeless.

WTTTT...…… do you still love her? CAN you love her?

 

[Lifeisatrap]

Yeah I'm basically dead already, no hope or motivation to neither live or die. Life just feels like a surreal dream or nightmare that's just passing by with no hope of an end in sight. Hopefully, I'll come out this limbo so I can successfully end it soon.

 

[Mogley26]

Co

It's the health problems (physical), numerous skin diseases, ibs, injuries from sports (countless) that have wrecked me over the years.

You can compartmentalize trauma, horrible life events, etc. it's really fucking hard to do that with a broken body, especially if it starts when you are young and need to make a living. I've dealt with this shit for 20 years.....

Compartmentalizing trauma doesn't work when you have thousands of traumas. It kills the brain and body. I also have a broken body btw..
Sorry you feel this way.