Has anyone else been through betrayal trauma?

[saltspoon8]

Betrayal trauma is such an intense thing to go through and I'm here going through it a second time. I barely survived the first time it happened to me and I'm definitely not going to survive it this time. I'm completely overwhelmed with rage, hurt, frustration and humiliation and honestly I don't want to get through this, I don't want to try again. I'm going to play the same game my now ex is playing and then I'm going to ctb. This weekend I'm going down to the city and all goes well, I will die there.

She can hurt the way she's made me hurt, she can feel this guilt and grief and pain of what she's done. I'm done trying, I don't have any fight left anymore, these people have drained the absolute life out of me, and I'll be dealing the final blow. Fuck this shit, fuck everyone, I don't care who this hurts anymore because no one seems to care who hurts me.

Please tell me someone else understands how heavy the weight of betrayal trauma is and how debilitating it is to be discarded and through away by someone. I feel lied to, I feel used, I feel violated, I feel dirty, I feel gaslit and warped, I can't believe this has happened to me. I don't understand what is going on.

 

[Manaaja]

Yeah. I know how you feel. I had a person who praised me, with whom we had deep discussions, who praised my intelligence, smartness, wisdom, education, knowledge, learning. She was so friendly and understanding! I even gave her a book as a gift! Then in the end during our last meeting she said I'm too young and stupid to have bodily autonomy and to know what's best for my body and mind. I was probably about 25 back then.

Friendliness isn't goodness. Niceness isn't goodness. Motherliness isn't goodness. Love isn't goodness. Politeness isn't goodness.

A person can be a mean asshole who hates you and still save your life and think you have the right to a good life. A person can be like a loving mother to you and then think you are too much of a baby to have any power over your own life.

All your feelings are totally valid. It hurts like Hell for a long time. I got over it in the end, but it required changing my personality and beliefs.

I wish you strength!

 

[Unlucky777]

I know how you feel. Dealt with it for 13 years and now healing from it feels more difficult than the actual betrayals.

I'm over 2 years and healing is possible but it's a very slow process. It's very intense the feelings and emotions.

 

[CatLvr]

Long story short, yep. Probably why I prefer the company of houseplants, dogs, cats and children to people. And yes, the pain is excruciating -- I expect because we learn that we cannot trust ourselves to not be fooled. Whatever the reason is, I, like you, don't care to have a repeat experience. I got lucky. My husband accidentally killed himself. I really thought I was gonna wind up taking care of him for another 15-20 years (he was younger than me) so I am definitely counting my blessings right now. I'm not completely heartless -- I am really glad he over-estimated what the medical field could do and went quickly. He was his own worst enemy in at least a dozen different ways, and not an easy person to deal with on a good day, so I was not looking forward to dealing with him as his mind and body both declined. Guess he did us both a favor.

 

[Kokonoe]

yes. it's one of my traumas that's had the most effect on my life and how i function now. it really, really hurts...

maybe i will make another reply talking about it more when i have more time.

 

[BleedingBeast]

I absolutely understand. It's what is currently fueling my commitment to CTB early next month--betrayal from a friend of 15 years. Ive got huge trauma from broken promises and this former friend knows it and still did it.

Valid feelings 100%