Discussion Harry Potter - Suicide Edition

[justwannadip]

Alright suicidal harry potter nerds, what kinda dark magic would yall be getting up to at hogwarts? I'd be learning to brew nembutal and cooking up fentanyl with professor snape. I'd expect a lot of u would just choose to avada cadavra yourselves into oblivion and beyond. I'm not as much of a dark magic type and more of a potions method guy myself.

I'd assume professor dumbledore and mcgonagall would have to crack down on wizard suicides if we all went there. We'd have to go to the restricted section of the library and bypass mr filch to read the new PPH wizard editions. I'd definitely be like harry potter but the chosen one for suicidal tendencies and fucking up everything. I'd probably be a fucking hufflepuff tho cus I'm not yet courageous enough to ctb like a gryffindor. I feel like we could all take turns assisting eachother with peaceful suicides, ie. like yall could stupefy and render me unconscious and then wingardium leviosa my ass 40 feet in the sky and drop me. I mean we could get rlly creative.

If we were all in the same graduation year, you'd just be seeing a bunch of dead bodies everywhere lmao voldemort wouldn't even bother cus we'd kill ourselves. These would be the movies:

Harry Potter & the Philosopher's Tombstone
Harry Potter & the Chamber of Gas
Harry Potter & the Prisoner of my Own Fucking Mind
Harry Potter & the Goblet of Nembutal
Harry Potter & the Half-Done Prince
Harry Potter & the Order of DMC
Harry Potter & The Deathly Charcoal part 1 & 2

 

[leloyon]

I've never seen nor read Harry Potter due to both it seeming shite from what I've heard and the author being even more shite than her glorified, overpriced toilet paper she apparently considers literature.
That being said, ain't Voldemort meant to be the opposite of Harry Potter and all the Hogwarts kids? Imagine if he ended up becoming a pro-lifer just to oppose you all.

 

[fleetingnight]

Picnic in the Forbidden Forest, anyone?

You can bring rope or something if you want, but I just wanna see what happens to me, leave it up to fate lol

Harry Potter & the Prisoner of my Own Fucking Mind

This one is fucking killing me right now (Well...I wish lol) RELATABLE.

 

[justwannadip]

Picnic in the Forbidden Forest, anyone?

You can bring rope or something if you want, but I just wanna see what happens to me, leave it up to fate lol

This one is fucking killing me right now (Well...I wish lol) RELATABLE.

Yes!! Sounds amazing I hope a giant spider mauls my face off. Lmao ya I wish u didn't relate. We've been in azkaban our whole lives

I've never seen nor read Harry Potter due to both it seeming shite from what I've heard and the author being even more shite than her glorified, overpriced toilet paper she apparently considers literature.
That being said, ain't Voldemort meant to be the opposite of Harry Potter and all the Hogwarts kids? Imagine if he ended up becoming a pro-lifer just to oppose you all.

Its a good story at least I've always thought it was. And ya voldemort is the villian and kills a lot of ppl but I wonder what he'd do if we were doing that to ourselves already.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Well I'm a Ravenclaw and my Patronus is apparently a unicorn.

If I were a wizard in the Harry Potter world I think I would try to dedicate my life to finding a way to optimize production of the Felix Felicis, aka Liquid Luck. This very concoction kind of destroys any illusion that the Harry Potter world makes any sense because like, come on. It's a potion that makes you instantly lucky. Why didn't Voldemort just use these to win all the time? Or anyone for that matter?

Some known drawbacks to this potion off the top of my head:

-Most if not all the ingredients are extremely rare
-The potion takes many months to brew and even then you only get a small dose that only lasts for a short while
-Doesn't guarantee success, but at least you could still have failure turn out luckily for you
-Drinking too much of the potion is apparently toxic

With that last point in mind, that gives me even more incentive to keep taking as much of the potion as I can have for the rest of my life knowing it will shorten my lifespan. This way I can practically guarantee the rest of my life will be perfect and end on a high note as well. It's probably the best CTB method because it ensures you'll get to maximize the amount of enjoyment and fun you can have before you die.

As for its production being difficult, that's such an asspull too. Plenty of difficult to produce substances are made widely available all the time. Surely a team of wizards could find a way to put their heads together and figure out the secret. If not right away, they could always use the time turner to extend their lifespans somehow anyway. If the human species can find a way to make toxic pufferfish edible in spite of their deadly neurotoxins or if we can figure out how to put the truffle flavoring into everything even though the truffle species itself is going extinct then surely we can figure out how to make this potion more accessible. Then again though this is probably not a secret to be shared with everyone so maybe I'd just keep it to myself and some close wizard and witch buddies.

 

[enduringwinter]

That world seems worse to live in than ours. Their schooling and career practices lead to grievous injuries and pain all the time and then they heal you so you cant die. I'd probably want to ctb as soon as I have to take flying class, lol.

I'd just quietly walk through the veil like my favourite character, Sirius (ok he fell but still)

 

[Seered Doom]

Ok, but what would the different houses be like then? Which house is the most suicidal and how do they lead to the dead bodies? I must know more lore OP

 

[sserafim]

I'd be either a Slytherin or Ravenclaw and my Patronus would be a cat or fox. My wand would be made of elder or yew and have a phoenix feather core. I'd be into potions as well as DADA (or maybe even the dark arts themselves). I would brew Felix Felicis to give myself as much luck as possible. I'd also brew Amortentia just to know what it would smell like to me (I'm curious about this). I'd invent potions that cause death and take one of my creations

ETA: Just made a new Pottermore account and got Slytherin, fox, yew wand with phoenix feather core, 11 3/4", unyielding

 

[darkandtwisty]

Alright suicidal harry potter nerds, what kinda dark magic would yall be getting up to at hogwarts? I'd be learning to brew nembutal and cooking up fentanyl with professor snape. I'd expect a lot of u would just choose to avada cadavra yourselves into oblivion and beyond. I'm not as much of a dark magic type and more of a potions method guy myself.

I'd assume professor dumbledore and mcgonagall would have to crack down on wizard suicides if we all went there. We'd have to go to the restricted section of the library and bypass mr filch to read the new PPH wizard editions. I'd definitely be like harry potter but the chosen one for suicidal tendencies and fucking up everything. I'd probably be a fucking hufflepuff tho cus I'm not yet courageous enough to ctb like a gryffindor. I feel like we could all take turns assisting eachother with peaceful suicides, ie. like yall could stupefy and render me unconscious and then wingardium leviosa my ass 40 feet in the sky and drop me. I mean we could get rlly creative.

If we were all in the same graduation year, you'd just be seeing a bunch of dead bodies everywhere lmao voldemort wouldn't even bother cus we'd kill ourselves. These would be the movies:

Harry Potter & the Philosopher's Tombstone
Harry Potter & the Chamber of Gas
Harry Potter & the Prisoner of my Own Fucking Mind
Harry Potter & the Goblet of Nembutal
Harry Potter & the Half-Done Prince
Harry Potter & the Order of DMC
Harry Potter & The Deathly Charcoal part 1 & 2

This has to be one of the best things I've read. Ever. Thank you for the laugh. The movies were named perfectly!

 

[justwannadip]

Ok, but what would the different houses be like then? Which house is the most suicidal and how do they lead to the dead bodies? I must know more lore OP

Ah yes, as you wish. I'll start off with a breakdown of each house.

I'd be either a Slytherin or Ravenclaw and my Patronus would be a cat or fox. My wand would be made of elder or yew and have a phoenix feather core. I'd be into potions as well as DADA (or maybe even the dark arts themselves). I would brew Felix Felicis to give myself as much luck as possible. I'd also brew Amortentia just to know what it would smell like to me (I'm curious about this). I'd invent potions that cause death and take one of my creations

ETA: Just made a new Pottermore account and got Slytherin, fox, yew wand with phoenix feather core, 11 3/4", unyielding

I appreciate your enthusiasm and future goals as a wizard and student of Hogwarts (suicidal edition)! I would refrain from diagnosing yourself into a house just yet, as I will be giving a description of each house shortly. This is no pottermore, this is potterless. We only use rigorously statistically accurate and proven diagnostic criteria, not some wishywashy online quiz.

This has to be one of the best things I've read. Ever. Thank you for the laugh. The movies were named perfectly!

I'm glad you enjoyed it, unfortunately it only gets worse from here





Before I give descriptions of each house, I should give a quick disclaimer: this is satire guys. Please don't take offense. I love you all. Seriously.

Now that that's out of the way, as for me, I'm primarily a Hufflepuff with traits of Slytherin and Ravenclaw. I have way too much anxiety to be a brave griffyndor. Sometimes I feel like one if I mix benzos and alcohol tho.


GRYFFINDOR




Fitting we start with the most famous and beloved house, the Gryffindor's. The most over diagnosed house everybody claims they're apart of but rlly they're just misdiagnosing themselves cus they wanna be the main character. This is the ADHD of Hogwarts houses. Gryffindors are hailed as courageous, daring, and sometimes reckless. These are the wizards that sometimes don't even make it to the hogwart's castle as they ctb by jumping in front of the Hogwart's express train on platform 9 & 3/4 before they even have a chance to arrive. They are known for choosing brutal methods like gun, jumping, cyanide etc. They have the uncanny ability to override the spell of SI without drinking a fifth of vodka. Unfortunately, many Gryffindors fail their attempts due to brash and impulsive methods that don't follow the guide's instructions and often come back permanently brain damaged. Madam Pomfrey at the Hogwarts hospital wing has her hands full with Gryffindors. She does her best to give repairo spells to their injuries, bless her soul, but they still end up often looking like Alostar Moody after their recovery.

Their house idol of course, is none other than Harry Potter. Now Harry Potter is basically like a travelling MAID agent, I mean everybody he meets eventually dies. He's basically the Kenneth Law and the Alejandro Vasquez (aka "A" or "D") guy that used to send nembutal to ppl on sasu. He's all courageous and well respected and shit, cus hes helped so many people die. He's hailed as the chosen one of suicidal ppl for that reason and ppl made up this whole backstory that he survived the God of Slytherin Philip Nitschke's (aka Voldemort) sarco pod which has a 100% chance of death and came away with some magical scar on his forehead to prove it. Its like dude, your suicidal, u definitely just cut in the shape of a lightning bolt on ur forehead in grade 7 and it scarred over.

His friend Hermione was definitely misdiagnosed by the old and corrupt psychiatrist sorting hat who's always fresh out of an AA meeting and sounds like he smokes 5 packs a day. Hermione's def a ravenclaw and therefore autistic with all her extensive knowledge of the PPH and random biochemical factual nonsense. I mean this girls the encyclopedia of suicide. Ask her about any method and she'll teach you how to execute it perfectly and give you every statistical fact about its history whilst wishing you 'good luck' like some psychopath. You'll probably end up attempting to impulsively OD on tylenol after talking with her though, one can only take so much of that.

 

[justwannadip]

RAVENCLAW





This leads us nicely to the next house we have, which of course is Ravenclaw. Now as mentioned, these guys are walking encyclopedia's of suicide. They hold extensive knowledge of methods, and anything you'd need to know about suicide and its history. If you were to pick out a book in the restricted section of the hogwarts library, chances are it was written or at least edited by a ravenclaw. Some famous Ravenclaws are Stan, who of course wrote "Stan's Guide to SN", a best seller in the suicidal wizarding world, and Izzy who wrote the "SN Bible" and inert gas series.

Ravenclaw's are generally introverted and enjoy reading books over a night out with friends. They often leave long and verbose suicide notes that friends and family tend to stop reading half-way through. They enjoy poetry and are especially obsessed with their goth poet parents Sylvia Plath and Edgar Allan Poe (who of course wrote "the raven" as an ode to his house ravenclaw). Their vocabulary is deep and varied, however the most common word spoken by them is "actchually ". While nerdy yes, they are the glue of Hogwarts, supplying much of the knowledge we have at our disposal today. So don't be a bully to these nerds or I'll kick your ass and steal your lunch money. Bullying isn't cool at Hogwarts.


HUFFLEPUFF





Ok moving on, we have Hufflepuffs. These guys… no one rlly takes them seriously. They had one important character named Cedric Diggory who made an appearance in the Goblet of Nembutal , and he was all handsome n shit so nobody understood why he wanted to die and when he ctb'd his father was crying rlly loud while holding his dead body saying "my boyyy, my boyyy!" over and over which was actually wrong cus cedric was privately transgender (common among hufflepuffs who tend to have bpd and issues with identity)((its ok guys remember I'm one too)). Anyways, hufflepuffs, just like their name are super gay (meaning happy ofc), but not happy as in they're actually happy—no they're still very depressed and suicidal, but they have a more positive and objective outlook on life itself. Slytherin's call them pro-life but they're really just objective in the sense that they believe that life can be a beautiful experience for many, just not them.

Due to their traits of fierce loyalty however, they tend to stay loyal to life, an abusive relationship where they're constantly gaslit with the hope that things can get better, but they in fact never do. They're the accounts on sasu that disappear for 7 months and everyone thinks they ctb'd but rlly they were just trying to recover until someone broke off a 1 month relationship with them and they now wanna die again. Many of them exist in the recovery section of sasu—if one travels to the sasu universe its always recommended to pay the recovery section a visit at least once to see the unique and endangered species of hufflepuff in action. They're beautiful creatures, really.


SLYTHERIN




Finally, we have Slytherin.

Ok these guys are fkn douchebag goth ppl who worship the infamous dark wizard that created the mythical sarco pod, Philip Nitschke (aka Voldemort), even tho none of them have actually ever seen one let alone used it. They're the ones that linger and say they're suicidal and how much they hate life and this planet is a toxic wasteland of pro-life losers yadayada, and yet they don't kill themselves. They're supreme anti-natalists, often fuelled by sexual frustration, and reject any other perspective that doesn't match that. They believe they're like the supreme race of suicidal ppl, which jesus christ, this is how far gone we are. But ya, they just vent all the time but never die cus they say they're waiting for their saviour philip nitsche to fall from the heavens of Netherlandia and bless them all with individual sarco pods. And yes to them its all the stupid pro-lifers fault that this isn't a reality. Basically they're the scientologists of Hogwarts.

Now Philip Nitschke (Voldemort), who was primarily Slytherin but also had some Ravenclaw in him (he wrote the PPH), was a very interesting and notable character in the wizarding world. He was a wizard that had antisocial personality traits, and practiced dark magic from a young age. He was an intelligent boy, though he was outcasted, neglected and mistreated in his childhood, and quickly became a homicidal and resentful wizard. He went on a killing spree, mass murdering tons of innocent wizards with rage. For the longest time he used forbidden spells like the killing spell "avada cadavra", and torturing spells like "crucio". This soon became boring to him though; he wanted something more futuristic. That's when he created the enchanted sarco pod and formed a group called "exit international" aka the death eaters—an exclusive club of 50+ year olds that get new versions of the PPH for the price of giving their soul to Philip Nitschke, which in turn gives him his powers.

Confused? Idk so am I, ask a ravenclaw.




Some background lore on Hogwarts, and the feud between Harry Potter and Voldemort.



Ever since the creation of the wizarding school "Hogwarts", originally a noble, healthy and optimistic school of wizarding and witchcraft that slowly became overrun by suicidal wizards after the legacy of Harry Potter traveled around, the school has become a threat to life itself; while simultaneously being an antidote to the immense fear and power that the God of death himself, Philip Nitsche (Voldemort), holds. And after the eventual suicide of Headmaster Dumbledore by hanging after he became so depressed trying to stop the growth of suicidal students at Hogwarts, an underground club named SASU gained prominence in the castle walls.
Voldemort has long seeked to end this movement, by destroying hogwarts and all that are suicidal.

He has one big problem though…how do you kill somebody that wants to die?
Now of course technically killing someone that wants to die is still killing them, but since the victim wants it, it becomes more like MAID or assisted death, which Voldemort was quoted as saying "is really really lame".

Now the reason Voldemort hates Harry Potter so much is because Harry, according to legend, was the only one known to survive his infamous sarco pod, since his desire to die blocked the killing spell on the sarco pod, and created a rift between life and death, an almost limbo if you will, which many suicidal ppl experience today (being alive but feeling like you're dying everyday).
Thats when Voldemort realized what many new suicidal ppl unfortunately come to understand: its a lot harder to kill yourself when you actually want to die. So Harry Potter was hailed the chosen one of suicide, Voldemort was humiliated and now seeks revenge and blah blah blah u know the rest.

 

[Seered Doom]

Thank you so much for this, I think I could fit in Ravenclaw in this version of the story rather well due to the misunderstood status I retain irl

 

[justwannadip]

the realization that I'm so far gone I actually made lore for a suicidal version of harry potter … i definitely wanna die more now

 

[Seered Doom]

I kinda want to write a story based on this version from a Ravenclaw perspective

 

[justwannadip]

I kinda want to write a story based on this version from a Ravenclaw perspective

I would very much welcome that. Please share it here if you do !

 

[justwannadip]

Well I'm a Ravenclaw and my Patronus is apparently a unicorn.

If I were a wizard in the Harry Potter world I think I would try to dedicate my life to finding a way to optimize production of the Felix Felicis, aka Liquid Luck. This very concoction kind of destroys any illusion that the Harry Potter world makes any sense because like, come on. It's a potion that makes you instantly lucky. Why didn't Voldemort just use these to win all the time? Or anyone for that matter?

Some known drawbacks to this potion off the top of my head:

-Most if not all the ingredients are extremely rare
-The potion takes many months to brew and even then you only get a small dose that only lasts for a short while
-Doesn't guarantee success, but at least you could still have failure turn out luckily for you
-Drinking too much of the potion is apparently toxic

With that last point in mind, that gives me even more incentive to keep taking as much of the potion as I can have for the rest of my life knowing it will shorten my lifespan. This way I can practically guarantee the rest of my life will be perfect and end on a high note as well. It's probably the best CTB method because it ensures you'll get to maximize the amount of enjoyment and fun you can have before you die.

As for its production being difficult, that's such an asspull too. Plenty of difficult to produce substances are made widely available all the time. Surely a team of wizards could find a way to put their heads together and figure out the secret. If not right away, they could always use the time turner to extend their lifespans somehow anyway. If the human species can find a way to make toxic pufferfish edible in spite of their deadly neurotoxins or if we can figure out how to put the truffle flavoring into everything even though the truffle species itself is going extinct then surely we can figure out how to make this potion more accessible. Then again though this is probably not a secret to be shared with everyone so maybe I'd just keep it to myself and some close wizard and witch buddies.

There's a whole lot of spells and potions that could so easily be abused in HP lol. You could become so overpowered and live life exactly how you wanted. I mean they have time traveling abilities. I'd like to believe that there would be a council of magic that would notice when certain spells are being abused. Sometimes the professors were able to tell when someone was under a spell, but more times than not they'd have no idea (even with simple invisibility cloaks.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

There's a whole lot of spells and potions that could so easily be abused in HP lol. You could become so overpowered and live life exactly how you wanted. I mean they have time traveling abilities. I'd like to believe that there would be a council of magic that would notice when certain spells are being abused. Sometimes the professors were able to tell when someone was under a spell, but more times than not they'd have no idea (even with simple invisibility cloaks.

Potions seem even harder to regulate since for example there seems to be very little in the way of preventing Polyjuice potions from being used to infiltrate the whole Ministry of Magic. Their only drawback seems to be that they taste pretty bad but that's true of a lot of medicines too.

I'm not really into chemistry or cooking in the real world but I feel like the vast potential of potions in the wizarding world would be insane to want to pass up. Hell, one could even make a way better version of SN or N to CTB in as peaceful of a way as possible. Surely there are tons of lethal ingredients that can be mixed in just such a way that they can also taste and feel really good too.

 

[sserafim]

RAVENCLAW


View attachment 145337


This leads us nicely to the next house we have, which of course is Ravenclaw. Now as mentioned, these guys are walking encyclopedia's of suicide. They hold extensive knowledge of methods, and anything you'd need to know about suicide and its history. If you were to pick out a book in the restricted section of the hogwarts library, chances are it was written or at least edited by a ravenclaw. Some famous Ravenclaws are Stan, who of course wrote "Stan's Guide to SN", a best seller in the suicidal wizarding world, and Izzy who wrote the "SN Bible" and inert gas series.

Ravenclaw's are generally introverted and enjoy reading books over a night out with friends. They often leave long and verbose suicide notes that friends and family tend to stop reading half-way through. They enjoy poetry and are especially obsessed with their goth poet parents Sylvia Plath and Edgar Allan Poe (who of course wrote "the raven" as an ode to his house ravenclaw). Their vocabulary is deep and varied, however the most common word spoken by them is "actchually ". While nerdy yes, they are the glue of Hogwarts, supplying much of the knowledge we have at our disposal today. So don't be a bully to these nerds or I'll kick your ass and steal your lunch money. Bullying isn't cool at Hogwarts.



SLYTHERIN


View attachment 145334

Finally, we have Slytherin.

Ok these guys are fkn douchebag goth ppl who worship the infamous dark wizard that created the mythical sarco pod, Philip Nitschke (aka Voldemort), even tho none of them have actually ever seen one let alone used it. They're the ones that linger and say they're suicidal and how much they hate life and this planet is a toxic wasteland of pro-life losers yadayada, and yet they don't kill themselves. They're supreme anti-natalists, often fuelled by sexual frustration, and reject any other perspective that doesn't match that. They believe they're like the supreme race of suicidal ppl, which jesus christ, this is how far gone we are. But ya, they just vent all the time but never die cus they say they're waiting for their saviour philip nitsche to fall from the heavens of Netherlandia and bless them all with individual sarco pods. And yes to them its all the stupid pro-lifers fault that this isn't a reality. Basically they're the scientologists of Hogwarts.

Now Philip Nitschke (Voldemort), who was primarily Slytherin but also had some Ravenclaw in him (he wrote the PPH), was a very interesting and notable character in the wizarding world. He was a wizard that had antisocial personality traits, and practiced dark magic from a young age. He was an intelligent boy, though he was outcasted, neglected and mistreated in his childhood, and quickly became a homicidal and resentful wizard. He went on a killing spree, mass murdering tons of innocent wizards with rage. For the longest time he used forbidden spells like the killing spell "avada cadavra", and torturing spells like "crucio". This soon became boring to him though; he wanted something more futuristic. That's when he created the enchanted sarco pod and formed a group called "exit international" aka the death eaters—an exclusive club of 50+ year olds that get new versions of the PPH for the price of giving their soul to Philip Nitschke, which in turn gives him his powers.

Confused? Idk so am I, ask a ravenclaw.




Some background lore on Hogwarts, and the feud between Harry Potter and Voldemort.

View attachment 145336

Ever since the creation of the wizarding school "Hogwarts", originally a noble, healthy and optimistic school of wizarding and witchcraft that slowly became overrun by suicidal wizards after the legacy of Harry Potter traveled around, the school has become a threat to life itself; while simultaneously being an antidote to the immense fear and power that the God of death himself, Philip Nitsche (Voldemort), holds. And after the eventual suicide of Headmaster Dumbledore by hanging after he became so depressed trying to stop the growth of suicidal students at Hogwarts, an underground club named SASU gained prominence in the castle walls.
Voldemort has long seeked to end this movement, by destroying hogwarts and all that are suicidal.

He has one big problem though…how do you kill somebody that wants to die?
Now of course technically killing someone that wants to die is still killing them, but since the victim wants it, it becomes more like MAID or assisted death, which Voldemort was quoted as saying "is really really lame".

Now the reason Voldemort hates Harry Potter so much is because Harry, according to legend, was the only one known to survive his infamous sarco pod, since his desire to die blocked the killing spell on the sarco pod, and created a rift between life and death, an almost limbo if you will, which many suicidal ppl experience today (being alive but feeling like you're dying everyday).
Thats when Voldemort realized what many new suicidal ppl unfortunately come to understand: its a lot harder to kill yourself when you actually want to die. So Harry Potter was hailed the chosen one of suicide, Voldemort was humiliated and now seeks revenge and blah blah blah u know the rest.

I'm Slytherin with traits of Ravenclaw…or maybe Ravenclaw with traits of Slytherin

 

[Seered Doom]

I'm Slytherin with traits of Ravenclaw…or maybe Ravenclaw with traits of Slytherin

Whatever you relate more with, it'd be that with traits of the other. If they're equal, then it's a mix of both.