So I'm displaying a lot of traits of harm ocd. I don't know why I keep self harming, I don't know why I'm on a suicide forum. I just feel like I have to be and I have to keep risking my life. Anyone had similar experiences?
I bang my head often, usually with my fists or the wall. If I feel overwhelmed with emotion and pain, I start smacking my head around, like I'm trying to knock some sense into me. Or punish myself for being stupid. Mine is usually stress-related mixed with being worthless and self-loathing thoughts.
suffocatingseraphim
⸙𖦹killing the self as to protect it from harm𖦹⸙
- Feb 6, 2020
- 105
Definitely had similar if not nearly identical experience with that. I struggle with OCD and my harm OCD seems to be linked directly to self harm and suicide.
I have an immense obsession with both, I can't go a day without thinking of either one in some capacity, and it drives me to want both very, very badly.
Even if I don't feel inherently sad or disturbed, I still want both. I've been clean since March but it's becoming harder the longer I go without it.
I have an immense obsession with both, I can't go a day without thinking of either one in some capacity, and it drives me to want both very, very badly.
Even if I don't feel inherently sad or disturbed, I still want both. I've been clean since March but it's becoming harder the longer I go without it.
theresonlyonewayout
Student
- Jan 31, 2021
- 121
Can I ask a couple of questions? I don't want to trigger anyone.
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suffocatingseraphim
⸙𖦹killing the self as to protect it from harm𖦹⸙
- Feb 6, 2020
- 105
sure thing! I can't speak for symbiote or borderline but I can certainly answer whatever questions you do have about harm ocd from my personal experiences c:
theresonlyonewayout
Student
- Jan 31, 2021
- 121
Thank you kindly!! What's harm OCD? How does it manifest? I've never heard of it and Google ain't much help on specifics.
suffocatingseraphim
⸙𖦹killing the self as to protect it from harm𖦹⸙
- Feb 6, 2020
- 105
Of course! <3 Google sure isn't kind when it comes to helping with mental illness details haha.
Harm OCD is a type of obsession based on either hurting others or hurting yourself. It can manifest in intrusive thoughts, usually very violent ones that are unwanted.
Some examples would be thoughts about hurting your pet, stabbing someone you hardly know or do know, getting homicidal thoughts, etc. It can be extremely scary since these thoughts aren't the person's own, but they can start obsessing over it intensely.
Usually thinking "Am I the one causing this? Do I really think I should hurt this person or animal? Why do I think this?" which then becomes the obsession.
The compulsion comes from creating an intense routine or set of things to avoid the obsession or counteract the obsession. Maybe a compulsion for harm ocd for others would be locking away any and every weapon in your house, locking yourself in your room, refusing to approach certain people or places you know trigger those thoughts
For harm ocd directed at the self, I personally get ones based on "how could I kill myself with this item, this place (bridge or street) or what if I killed myself right here right now as violently as possible?"
The intrusive thoughts around these can get incredibly violent too, and I'll obsess over hurting myself even if I feel fine. My compulsion with this is generally avoiding things incredibly much that could cause this, like not taking the train if I'm suicidal or refusing to be around medication.
Bit of a novel as a reply, but I hope this helped answer a thing or two!! If you have any more questions I'm more than happy to help further. :D
theresonlyonewayout
Student
- Jan 31, 2021
- 121
Omg, thank you so much. Very helpful and detailed and for once I could actually concentrate til the end lol. I've been wondering wtf my head has been doing. I keep getting pictures of really violent ways to hurt myself and it gets to the point where I just can't resist it anymore. It's like it's egging me on - taunting me. I just can't get it to stop. It's always doing it and along with trauma flashbacks and other pictures/videos. It's endless and tiring.
You've done amazing to stay clean this long, I hope you can continue. I'm in awe cos it's a fucking nightmare.
poisonedminds
Student
- May 8, 2021
- 179
I have been diagnosed with this. For me, it's obsessing over very specific ideas of self harm. The obsession only goes away if I complete the self harm.
As an example, I've spent 6 months obsessing over amputating my own toe. I ended up doing it and the obsession went away.
As an example, I've spent 6 months obsessing over amputating my own toe. I ended up doing it and the obsession went away.
suffocatingseraphim
⸙𖦹killing the self as to protect it from harm𖦹⸙
- Feb 6, 2020
- 105
I'm glad I could've helped out with a description, I know just how tough it can be to narrow down thoughts or feelings with internal experiences or traumas. I can empathize with just how exhausting and almost tantalizing the thoughts are the more they come along, it's like craving an addiction that you desperately don't want to have, but part of you craves it anyway.
Thank you so much. I'm wishing you a lot of love and good luck on your journey as well, it really is a nightmare. If you ever need any support my inbox is always open too. <3
Having the obsession only leave once you complete it is something I absolutely resonate with, I am so sorry for the distress this might have caused, it sounds like you've been through a lot to say the least.
If you don't mind my asking, how did that go about? Has it been healing?
poisonedminds
Student
- May 8, 2021
- 179
This happened almost two years ago, so yes it has since healed. I tried to amputate it on multiple occasions without succeeding (unbearable pain and I couldn't get through the bone), but I did succeed in majorly deforming my toe and giving myself a very severe bone infection, which eventually left doctors with no choice but to amputate.
So i did not technically self-amputate my toe, but that didn't seem to be a requirement for my obsessive thoughts to stop, thank god.
