Hard Reality to swallow: life is cruel and unfair

[Isaaccove]

I have an extreme loose screw- one where suicide constantly eats away at my mind. There's no escape from it- and I was doomed from the start. I can't imagine how amazing it would have been if I grew up with an amazing family who loved me, and not been psychologically tortured for however many years I was conscious for

I guess it's nice to not have ptsd anymore, but the damage is clearly too great to move on from. It's been a year and a half since I finally moved out of the purgetory I was raised in, but I still find myself suicidal at every corner

I shouldn't still be suicidal- I even gained friends recently… but it's never enough. On top of not having any family, I'm nobody's number 1, I'm inconsequential- that third wheel that doesn't have "the" best friend. I'm simply waiting for the oppertunity to end my life to present itself… but I'm started to approach a point where I want to actively seek it out. Suicidal OCD is a game where you are constantly losing

 

[Sleeper System]

I can relate to that third wheel positon a little. I don't have many people I would consider friends but the small ciricle of people within that catagory (atleast in my own mind) don't place me as a #1.

I'm glad to say that at one point I did have someone who I considered to be a bestfriend and vice versa so I at least know how good that feels. Sadly, people grow apart. But Im glad i at least go to now the feeling.
It's possible to find a real friend again but it's so tiring even to think about. So we befriend strangers online.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

Luckily, there is something we can all do about it. The bus needs to come around and pick us all up ASAP.

 

[Abyssal]

I have a theory that best friends are a concept created by tv shows to give a reason for the main character not to monologue like they do in Shakespearean plays. Well, that's quite the reach, but the idea that we must be surrounded by all these close friends is definitely placed on us by the media which is usually created by charismatic extroverts. It's not meant to put down people like us, but there's a reason introverts are stereotyped as preferring books.

I relate quite a bit, though. Suicide isn't so much a need in my life, in fact I had more reason to ctb in the past than I do now, yet now that I am living a better life and finding friends for myself, the idea of suicide eats away at me. Maybe now that I'm not focused on making it through the day I'm given more time to allow the trauma to eat away at me, do you feel the same?

Congrats on beating the ptsd, getting away, and making friends. We can get focused on our pain so much that we overlook the progress we've made, so it's heartwarming to see some recognition of our accomplishments here even if it's merely a minor point in your post. You have done well.