Imhopeless
Please give me sign and I'll end it all
- Jul 24, 2023
- 21
I can't take it anymore, my brother who is older than me, keeps coming back to our house. He was kicked out by my mother for being overly aggressive towards us, it was around 3 years ago and since then a lot of things happened. I know he was at psyhiatric hospital, I know he's cutting himself but the real deal is the fact that he's selling drugs and our home is the best hiding spot for them. I can smell the stench from the living room to my room as im writing this post, Im scared that one day police will show up and since Im an adult Ill get it trouble for not tellingon him.
I didn't said a word until now because he gives us money, we're extremly poor so even a mere 50 bucks is like a payday. I don't really care what he does for living as long as he's not coming back home.
Like every so often my brother came home to collect whatever he's hiding from the cops, I stayed home from school today but since my phone broke I couldn't hear my brother banging at the door, I should've known not to open him once the knocking and ringing got so loud it woke me up but regardless I let him in. I really thought Ill get hit lol he was really mad and so the verbal abuse began. I heard everything you could possibly imagine, our mom's a whore, Im a fucking loser, a slut, an idiot, a cunt, that we live in a den, pigsty etc. I would much rather want for him to kick me a few times or burn me or whatever but I can't stand him badmouthing everyone and everything and that is because I know he's right. Yes, our mom doesnt give a shit about me or this house. Yes, Im dunce and Ill probably end up homeless on the streets as a spermbank. Yes, we live in such conditions that if welfare were to see this we'd definitely be sent away to foster care. The thing is I don't really care. Ive always lived like that and I just cant understand why he and some other people have such a problem with how we live. If people living in this house dont have a problem with it then why should anyone else.
I got to hear many words today, they make me wonder if its only close family that knows how fucked up this home is or whether my friends at school can tell too. Do I reek of mold, cigarettes and stashed on top of the wardrobe drugs or is it in my head? I don't want to go out anymore, It's not like Ill be anyone after finishing school anyway. Im anxious he'll tell my school and Ill have to explain everything. I dont want my friends' pity and I dont want them to know how Im living.
There's also one more thing that im pretty sure even discussing with internet is a bad idea but I can't help but feel disgusting with myself. Please ignore this part as I just want to get it off my chest.
Whenever someone goes on a rant as my brother did today, the verbal abuse, I feel good in a way I definitely shouldn't. Its not only when my brother yells at me but anyone is general. I always thought it's because of anxiety and stress but at this point I dont think that's it, I don't get like that when it comes to physical abuse. Its weird and it creeps me out, there's definitely something wrong with me and it scares me. I never act on those urges of course but it doesn't change the fact that they are there.
I didn't said a word until now because he gives us money, we're extremly poor so even a mere 50 bucks is like a payday. I don't really care what he does for living as long as he's not coming back home.
Like every so often my brother came home to collect whatever he's hiding from the cops, I stayed home from school today but since my phone broke I couldn't hear my brother banging at the door, I should've known not to open him once the knocking and ringing got so loud it woke me up but regardless I let him in. I really thought Ill get hit lol he was really mad and so the verbal abuse began. I heard everything you could possibly imagine, our mom's a whore, Im a fucking loser, a slut, an idiot, a cunt, that we live in a den, pigsty etc. I would much rather want for him to kick me a few times or burn me or whatever but I can't stand him badmouthing everyone and everything and that is because I know he's right. Yes, our mom doesnt give a shit about me or this house. Yes, Im dunce and Ill probably end up homeless on the streets as a spermbank. Yes, we live in such conditions that if welfare were to see this we'd definitely be sent away to foster care. The thing is I don't really care. Ive always lived like that and I just cant understand why he and some other people have such a problem with how we live. If people living in this house dont have a problem with it then why should anyone else.
I got to hear many words today, they make me wonder if its only close family that knows how fucked up this home is or whether my friends at school can tell too. Do I reek of mold, cigarettes and stashed on top of the wardrobe drugs or is it in my head? I don't want to go out anymore, It's not like Ill be anyone after finishing school anyway. Im anxious he'll tell my school and Ill have to explain everything. I dont want my friends' pity and I dont want them to know how Im living.
There's also one more thing that im pretty sure even discussing with internet is a bad idea but I can't help but feel disgusting with myself. Please ignore this part as I just want to get it off my chest.
Whenever someone goes on a rant as my brother did today, the verbal abuse, I feel good in a way I definitely shouldn't. Its not only when my brother yells at me but anyone is general. I always thought it's because of anxiety and stress but at this point I dont think that's it, I don't get like that when it comes to physical abuse. Its weird and it creeps me out, there's definitely something wrong with me and it scares me. I never act on those urges of course but it doesn't change the fact that they are there.
