PurposeDeficiency
In a constant state of confusion
- Apr 3, 2020
- 24
The external factors of my life are pretty good. I don't have friends but I can afford the things I want, my family cares for me, etc. My mind's messed up, yes. But even during times I'm feeling exceptionally well, I still fantasize about non-existence.
I saw a post once about: "Scenario A: Presence of pain-bad, presence of pleasure-good; Sceanrio B: Absence of pain- good, Absence of pleasure: Not bad."
And in everything people crave for the ultimate goal is happiness. Yet to me that seems meaningless aswell. It's all just chemicals that temporarily make you feel good. Even pleasure is meaningless if there is no objective purpose in life. You will die anyways and staying alive doesn't automatically increase your happiness. It just prolongs the cycle of pain and pleasure.
If a game doesn't tell me what to do and I have to make my own goals, it's fun for a while but it gets boring quickly. If a game gives me goals to work toward, that I can achieve my own way and get rewards for (+own goals), I don't get overwhelmed/confused/bored so easily.
My therapist told me I still got plenty of time to find purpose in life but I genuinely don't believe there will ever be anything more than: "Yay, activity X make feel-good chemical." What if I abuse drugs and have sex all the time and then CTB? That'll probably be more fun than living 'till I'm 80 and being like: "That's it? That's all I lived for?"
Who knows, maybe I'm asking for too much, but it's not easy being happy when nothing matters at all.
I saw a post once about: "Scenario A: Presence of pain-bad, presence of pleasure-good; Sceanrio B: Absence of pain- good, Absence of pleasure: Not bad."
And in everything people crave for the ultimate goal is happiness. Yet to me that seems meaningless aswell. It's all just chemicals that temporarily make you feel good. Even pleasure is meaningless if there is no objective purpose in life. You will die anyways and staying alive doesn't automatically increase your happiness. It just prolongs the cycle of pain and pleasure.
If a game doesn't tell me what to do and I have to make my own goals, it's fun for a while but it gets boring quickly. If a game gives me goals to work toward, that I can achieve my own way and get rewards for (+own goals), I don't get overwhelmed/confused/bored so easily.
My therapist told me I still got plenty of time to find purpose in life but I genuinely don't believe there will ever be anything more than: "Yay, activity X make feel-good chemical." What if I abuse drugs and have sex all the time and then CTB? That'll probably be more fun than living 'till I'm 80 and being like: "That's it? That's all I lived for?"
Who knows, maybe I'm asking for too much, but it's not easy being happy when nothing matters at all.
