Hanging on for a few more months.

[LookAway]

I don't know I don't have my Adderall today so I'm kind of in a weird mood. I just don't know anymore. I feel like CTB is still there but.. not only do I have people I need to look out for right now, I decided I want to grow some mushrooms first.

I've been through physical abuse. My parents are split up when I was a kid so I lived with my grandparents my grandfather had multiple sclerosis so he was basically disabled and so is my grandmother. My uncle lives with us a lot of the time he used to beat me and my sister and turn the door knobs around on the room and lock us in the room for days at a time. We're also pretty poor so I always had clothes that were dirty and had holes in them. I guess you can figure out how that played out at school with the other kids bullying me. Whatever I'm over that but yeah we were pretty poor I like some water was always off. I went through that. I was separated from my family during hurricane Katrina and place in foster care so I was in foster care for a few years and almost got adopted. I became almost at 16 and was basically homeless and traveling around the Midwest and western part of the US for 10 years. I mean I've already made it this far.. spiritually though I do feel avoid as if my soul has been swiped from me and I feel like an empty shell that only has an intellect now. This is the main feeling driving me toward doing this because nothing is fixing that feeling. I could try going into the woods out of nature and doing a water fast. I haven't gone out too fast and pray in a very long time and I feel like that can help so much. I'm also planning to order some parasite herbs so I can do a cleanse as well clear out the candida as well because I know that it's over growing because of my food addictions. I don't know man this is just one of those random scattered.post.

I still don't really see much hope at all anymore basically lost all my faith but I'm just going to cope for the time being I guess I kind of have to so.
I mean there's so many different things that are adding to the depression or whatever it is but.. I know that I'm not healthy at all and that my gut bacteria and fluoride whatever probably isn't either. I should probably try to take care of that but at the end of the day I don't know I'm still just thinking like man I'm still just going to have to watch everyone I love die and anything could happen. Like I try not to think that way but I mean it's pretty much the truth. When i think about trying to cope I just think about all those things. I ask myself is really worth it in the long run.
I just I feel spiritually dead and with that being said I feel completely dead on all plains of existence.
So it's like I don't think anything that I do physically will feel the void that I fill on the inside no matter what.

 

[timf]

There is a category of people who have been driven out of the comfort of life's delusions to see a harsh reality. Emergency room nurses, cops, ex-cons, abuse victims, combat veterans, and run-aways all may have come to a point of disconnection as a result of seeing how brutal life can be. Some find the burden of this perspective to be difficult. however, this perspective can also be liberating. It might be thought of as dropping out of the Matrix.

You mentioned what might be described as a spiritual poverty. There are some web sites that can help explore less conventional approached to things like religion. There is one for Christianity http://christianpioneer.com/ I suspect that there may be others for other religions.

 

[LookAway]

There is a category of people who have been driven out of the comfort of life's delusions to see a harsh reality. Emergency room nurses, cops, ex-cons, abuse victims, combat veterans, and run-aways all may have come to a point of disconnection as a result of seeing how brutal life can be. Some find the burden of this perspective to be difficult. however, this perspective can also be liberating. It might be thought of as dropping out of the Matrix.

You mentioned what might be described as a spiritual poverty. There are some web sites that can help explore less conventional approached to things like religion. There is one for Christianity http://christianpioneer.com/ I suspect that there may be others for other religions.

Hey I appreciate your responding. You do make a very good point.. veil being stripped from our eye..

Thank you for the link. I've been pretty deep down the rabbit hole when it comes to spirituality and religion. I think there is a void inside of me that may never be filled.