Help Hanging on by a thread. Debating CTB.

[Jacquelyn]

I've been in and out of my episodes of severe depression, haven't offed myself yet, surprisingly.

I have a girlfriend now. She wants to get a car and live with me in an apartment. She's a ridiculously hard worker and recently got promoted to manager. I love her I really do, but here's my issue:

I can't work for the life of me. I've never lasted more than a few months at any job, usually because I have some sort of mental breakdown eventually. But I also have a medical problem with my feet and can't do much labor.

I feel useless. I've resorted to trying to do... Less legal things for money... And it's not paying off at all. I'm lazy as fuck, I'm a drug addict, and I don't want to be a leech on my girlfriend.

I just don't want to break her heart. Some of my close friends basically are just waiting for me to be found dead in my room, they make jokes about me being suicidal at this point.

I'm tired of trying and failing. I don't want to do this adult shit. I fucking hate it. I feel like life is a complete scam and most people just end up lucky and have enough reasons to live like their family, children, etc. If I end up catching the bus, tally it up as another casualty of capitalism. I'll try to give it a month or so, but otherwise I'm just finding a nice place to be alone for a while and overdosing.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Chisel]

I know how you feel in many ways. Sounds like we're very alike.
Be happy to chat with you if you feel like you wanna talk through things.

 

[bennay]

I'm sorry you're suffering and that life has been hard for you I hope you're able to find peace in whatever you decide.

 

[wannabesetfree]

Hey OP. Sorry you're going through such a tough time. I can relate in many ways and I respect whatever you decide to do.

However, mind if I give you a few suggestions?

First, I would cut those "friends" out of your life. I know it might be hard and you'll experience some loneliness which can make your depression worse, but you really don't need those people around you. Joking or not, suicide is a very important decision to make and you don't want to let them influence you. There will be other opportunities to make more friends, so yeah I would leave them alone.

Second, I don't know where you are, but since you said you have severe depression and you have problems with your feet, have you considered getting some type of disability? It might take some time to get and there's no telling how much you'll get, but at least you'll have some income coming in and then maybe you can find other sources of employment to help supplement that income. I would try to communicate all of this with your girlfriend. She seems loving and understanding so maybe there's something that you two can work out.


Anyways I hope this helps and best of luck to you. If you need to talk feel free to reach out.

 

[FuneralCry]

Life is just so horrible. I understand it is hard to carry on when everything is hopeless. Everything in life is determined by luck, and life is very unfair, many of us are disadvantaged through no fault of our own. I see it as better to never exist in the first place. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[nerve]

"Scam" is a word I've used a lot to describe being a human too. So much of what gets promised to us as children (and even as adults sometimes) is just a myth.

Really sucks that your friends are dealing with the situation in the literal worst way possible. People are sometimes like "Oooh I was just scared for you and that's why I was making all those hurtful jokes and comments :(." Like who cares? You're still saying shitty things to someone in pain.

If you decide to keep going and have a documented history of poor physical or mental health, I second the disability idea. You describe being unable to hold down a job because of health issues, which is exactly the purpose of the system. Just last week actually I saw a lawyer about appealing my SSI denial and the tentative court date is March or April. That'll be exactly a year since I originally applied, so this is a long-term process. I know it's an unattractive course of action for a lot of people and does very little to alleviate that useless feeling, but if you're debating ctb and looking at options, this is one.