had the worst day is only 4pm

[annxietty]

Well, its been a while...
I started working, and having money is cool dont get me wrong... the problem is my job, I fucking hate it, I hate it so much suicidal thoughts are coming back after a while...
My sister got me this job, she works there too, I hate that, I hate it a lot, she lectures me even in front of customers and in a very rude way, working with family sucks... But I work alone most of the time (is in a gas station/supermarket), and today my sister came back to work after a while and I have a day off (I will be working all month with almost no days off), and this other girl that works there started complaining about me to my sister, my sister just called me and Im in a crisis because I care a lot about other people's opinions sadly, I admit I have flaws I admit that I lack in some necessary skills to do a good job here, but this is my first job ever, and I only had 1 week to learn everything, and Im dumb, yes I am!! and medication and depression has made me unable of remembering everything I need to remember... that other girl was saying I read in work hours, that I bring books to work to read (this is completely false, I arrive 1h early every fucking day because Im afraid of being late to work, I brought a book yesterday to read and I only read it before starting working, of course I dont read while working wtf!!!! she saw me reading but it was before I had to start working), and that I draw while working (this makes me feel so ridiculous omfg, I cant stop crying... yesterday, only yesterday, I drew 2 doodles in a paper we use to track something we sell, it took me 5 mins to draw those two little things, and I looked at them and thought "maybe they will see this and laugh lmao" omg Im so dumb I cant stop cryinggggggg) my sister of course believed everything she said...

I finish working for them in september, I wont come back (this is implying they will call me to work for them again lol maybe not), I will look for another job I dont care which one, omg If I could I would quit today....

The other thing that happened today was that I went to a psychologist (a free one) it sucked so badly I wanted to kill myself in front of her, I told her about my agoraphobia, and she told me it wasnt that serious, I told her that I have no pride and I let other people step on me as much as they want, she told me everyone is doing a lot for me and I have no right to be prideful, I have to stay quiet and accept everything people give me, also she said "people with real serious mental problems come here" implying Im not crazy enough or something, she didnt let me talk, I couldnt even tell her I started self harming again, instead of cutting I hit myself until my tears are because of physical pain and not mental pain, I have a huge bruise in my arm that I self inflicted, I couldnt even say any of this... Life sucks so bad, but I suck way more, I dont think life is bad itself, I think im the person that is bad, im the one that needs to dissapear, omg im so ridiculous why did I draw that? why did I read that book in front of her? why everyone believes the worst things about me? i had to pull all my strenght to be able to work, I have to talk to people for 8h many of them are rude asf, half a year ago I had an anxiety attack everytime I had to talk to someone new, this sucks, oh god Im so sorry... Im going to hit myself and take 2 or 4 valium pills, I wanted to read but that makes me feel nauseous now, who did I think I was?

 

[Sulyya]

I certainly think the people in your environment are causing a lot of this harm. Like you said, caring about other people's opinions...it's difficult to help though. Worth practicing to find that discipline to say 'whatever' to yourself and mean it.

Having trouble remembering things at work is very relatable also, maybe due to medication too. Unironically, AI chatbot has sometimes been more helpful to my mood than a psych or therapist lol. Particularly snapchat's I found, as it just seems friendlier.

Best of luck

 

[Dayrain]

Thank you for sharing all of this.

I think im the person that is bad,

You don't sound like this. You sound like you are actually dedicated.

she didnt let me talk

I couldnt even say any of this

I know from various own experiences how bad that is. Medical professionals are not empathetic enough anymore.

 

[IWishIWasAFlower]

Don't be so hard on yourself. It seems like you already made great progress with your anxiety and you are looking for a therapist. Towards the first part, noone is working 100% of the time they are at their job and i feel like you try to be productive and do your job well. There is no shame in doodeling for 5 minutes when you have some downtime. Thats perfectly normal. Maybe you could try to talk to your sister outside of work and tell her how you feel? But as you said, its your first job and you will meet many more colleagues in the future. Some will be great and some will be assholes. I guess the girl working with you belongs to the second group.

Finding a good therapist is exhausting. Right now im also in the process and i've been to a few but didn't have found one i felt comfortable with yet. On one hand they can only work with what you are giving them, but if they dont take you seriously there is no basis for productive work. I hope you will have more luck with the next one your seeing. Best of luck to you!

 

[syrup ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ]

I remember a couple years ago when this mailman was rude to me and he didn't say 'you too' after I told him to have a nice day, so I locked myself in my room for a week and cried everyday asking myself why I am so pathetic jhahaha i wnna fking die I cringe every time I think about this and I was like this all the time.

There is definitely a positive feedback loop here where, the more you ask yourself why you are so pathetic, the more pathetic you feel, and the more you will ask yourself why you are so pathetic. To break this loop is an art of its own, and like @Sulyya said, I do think the main way would be to find something you would be proud enough to not care about other peoples' opinions, i.e, to establish a value system where your livelihood is not dependent on people you don't care for (or hard core escapism, maybe with lots of drugs, which I don't recommend).

As for the psychologist… I do suspect most of these psychologists need their own little psychologists and philosophers sitting on their shoulders at all times because I swear to god they don't give a sh*t about anything! It's easy to forget they are also humans (and probably paid fk all for their jobs), and that even the most respected scientists and doctors who make tens of millions every year make mistakes and are found to be fraudulent all the time. The fact that you show so much self reflection and care towards the words of these people is definitive proof to me that you are not a bad person. But maybe against these people, just maybe you can afford to be (just a little bit) disagreeable.