gutted, heartbroken.

[opheliaoveragain]

I found out very late last night that someone I had been very close to for five plus years, had a falling out with, but still loved at the end of the day; died of an overdose. I don't think i'll ever know if it was intentional… but my senses say it was.

he had been there for all my fent attempts in active addiction, all my hours of crying in fent withdrawal over and over. he had years clean from it, but somewhere, there was a catalyst. but we had a pact around fent use. but I had blocked him post fall out. and I KNOW it's not my fault but I cannot help but feel if I had left a lane of communication open, maybe I could have talked him out of it. he was someone who genuinely wanted to live. I'm feeling a lot of things. i'm angry he left me here, i'm hating myself for being so nonchalant when I knew drugs were involved months ago. but mostly I miss my fucking homie. I feel like I can't breathe.

I don't want this to end in relapse or acting impulsively but I'm desperately wanting not to feel shit

i've had so much loss and it's enough. it's fucking enough.

 

[CatLvr]

Oh man ... I am SO sorry.

 

[FishRain3469]

I'm sorry for your loss. May he Rest in Peace; Always and Forever ♥

 

[Outofoptions1]

Sorry for your loss

 

[Tombs_in_your_eyes]

Oh I'm so sorry. The circumstances around his loss must make it a particularly painful one for you.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

my heart and soul is fucking shattered. part of me wants to ask his friend in his state to grab something for me to keep, but it's all too hectic right now.

here's something stupid I wrote earlier today




some part of me, some unnamed part,
hoped the message was a dream,
a nightmare, really.
but then everything rushes back to me,
and all I can do is gasp for air,
like someone is holding me underwater, weights tied to my feet,
holding me in place, in loss.

loss that seems cold and never ending.
and it doesn't matter what you want or wish.
there's a barrier, where before,
to my anguish, those were self built.
I wish I could do everything over.
I wish I could have answered your call,
even if it ended up being the last one.
now I have to live without you, and that's not something I know how to do right now.



going to bed. closest I can get to death right now. if a fentanyl fairy showed up, there would be no hesitation. my resolve is flimsy at best.

 

[deadbidaylight]

I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. I had a similar experience recently with a bird friend (someone in the waterfowl hobby) who died by suicide 3 years ago and I had NO IDEA because I haven't been active in that world for a while now. When I found out I was gutted. We weren't super close but stayed in regular contact for some time. The guilt of not knowing about it punched me right in the gut.

So the pain of losing someone close to you has to be harder to swallow. Please don't feel guilty for removing this person from your life. We obviously don't know the whole story, but if you're clean and have been for some time, removing someone who could potentially trigger you to relapse was what needed to be done to better yourself. That's not an easy decision to make, but the ideal one regardless of the hurt.

Had he stayed in your life, how do you think it would be right now? Do you think that you'd still be alive? If not, then the fallout was for the best. You're still here today because of your active efforts to stay clean. I'm proud of you for that. Kicking fent is a BIG DEAL, and one that should be celebrated. Your efforts have not gone unnoticed.

Allow yourself to grieve. There's no timeline there and no one can tell you how to feel and for how long or how deeply. This person impacted your life for good or bad, and your feelings are valid.

Honour his memory by pushing through the thoughts of wanting to use again. Remember how he died and remind yourself of that. You don't need to end up where he is. Sleep is the best medicine for grief so sleep. Cry, freak out, punch a wall, curl up in the fetal position. Do whatever you need to to get through this, but please care for yourself by staying away from the thing that killed him. For him. For yourself.

You're strong asf to get to where you are now. I believe you can do this. My heart is with you

 

[ForestGhost]

I've lost a few people in my life to my life to ODs, and I know my thought process vacillates between "use this as motivation to stay sober and honor their memory" and "fuck it, if they couldn't do it, neither can I". It's such a hard internal battle and the closeness you had to this person wrapped up with the fallout of the relationship surely makes the emotional strife that much worse. I can't imagine how all of that must feel together.

I thought that was a really poignant poem and not at all stupid. I really felt your words. Hope you're able to get some nice rest. Sending you lots of hugs

 

[aerospace_nerd]

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope he rest in peace

 

[Whale_bones]

I'm so sorry. I know how meaningful it is when someone is by your side through withdrawal. Sending you a bit of comfort, may he rest in peace.

 

[rozeske]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Wish you strength through all of this.

 

[PurpleMorality]

I'm sorry. That's so hard. I have a dear friend who for almost a year I thought had passed from an overdose (turned out he had been arrested a state over from where we all thought he was and didn't have any way to contact anyone - drugs can really put you on a weird track). Mourning him was difficult, and learning that he was still alive and had gotten clean was one of the best days of my life. I don't know what I would do if he'd actually died and I'd gotten that conformation. Your loss is difficult, take time to grieve and take care of yourself. Hopefully your homie is at peace and not hurting and needing drugs anymore.

 

[virgilwalks]

This is an extraordinary loss.

It isn't your fault. You're not responsible for what happened.

Grief is a process.

 

[CatLvr]

I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. I had a similar experience recently with a bird friend (someone in the waterfowl hobby) who died by suicide 3 years ago and I had NO IDEA because I haven't been active in that world for a while now. When I found out I was gutted. We weren't super close but stayed in regular contact for some time. The guilt of not knowing about it punched me right in the gut.

So the pain of losing someone close to you has to be harder to swallow. Please don't feel guilty for removing this person from your life. We obviously don't know the whole story, but if you're clean and have been for some time, removing someone who could potentially trigger you to relapse was what needed to be done to better yourself. That's not an easy decision to make, but the ideal one regardless of the hurt.

Had he stayed in your life, how do you think it would be right now? Do you think that you'd still be alive? If not, then the fallout was for the best. You're still here today because of your active efforts to stay clean. I'm proud of you for that. Kicking fent is a BIG DEAL, and one that should be celebrated. Your efforts have not gone unnoticed.

Allow yourself to grieve. There's no timeline there and no one can tell you how to feel and for how long or how deeply. This person impacted your life for good or bad, and your feelings are valid.

Honour his memory by pushing through the thoughts of wanting to use again. Remember how he died and remind yourself of that. You don't need to end up where he is. Sleep is the best medicine for grief so sleep. Cry, freak out, punch a wall, curl up in the fetal position. Do whatever you need to to get through this, but please care for yourself by staying away from the thing that killed him. For him. For yourself.

You're strong asf to get to where you are now. I believe you can do this. My heart is with you

I have tried and tried to express to Ophelia how this is. And how it is not her fault. You have done it so much more eloquently than I ever could. Thank you for that.

@opheliaoveragain my dear, you know how much I love you. And admire you. If I could I would take every bit of your pain for you. It has been a rough few weeks. But know we are here for you. All of us. Please lean into that knowledge and let us help you in any way we can. Blessed be, my friend.