-less-
Member
- Dec 15, 2024
- 13
I can't shake the thought that it's wrong for me to exist.
Everything I do to sustain my life inevitably has a cost to the people, animals, and environment I exist alongside of. It feels futile to even try to live "ethically" because suffering and exploitation is so tightly interwoven into the functioning of our modern society and the dog-eat-dog nature of the natural world. But then I wonder if this negative utilitarian lens I'm looking at this through is just motivated reasoning to align my interpretation of life with my trauma-induced feelings of guilt and shame. Then again, there's no reason both can't be true.
It is hard for me to really blame myself or others for being alive, though. We didn't choose for the world to be this way or to be born into it. We aren't purely rational agents that can just flip our survival instincts to "off" and opt out so easily. We are animals wired for survival, even when the desire to die becomes overwhelming.
But does that fact make living okay if I "know better"? Do I know better or am I just trying to convince myself that my guilt is rational? Or is the reverse true and most people only come to the conclusion that it's better to live than die because their reasoning is motivated by deeply embedded survival instincts? Would the world be better off with or without me?
I've been struggling to sort all this out, but it's been so hard to have an honest conversation about this with anyone else. Most people think this line of reasoning is ridiculous because "of course" it's better to live than die, so they just won't take the questions seriously.
I hope it's better for me to exist, but I don't know. I can't figure this out. I hate living in a world where suffering is so unavoidable.
Everything I do to sustain my life inevitably has a cost to the people, animals, and environment I exist alongside of. It feels futile to even try to live "ethically" because suffering and exploitation is so tightly interwoven into the functioning of our modern society and the dog-eat-dog nature of the natural world. But then I wonder if this negative utilitarian lens I'm looking at this through is just motivated reasoning to align my interpretation of life with my trauma-induced feelings of guilt and shame. Then again, there's no reason both can't be true.
It is hard for me to really blame myself or others for being alive, though. We didn't choose for the world to be this way or to be born into it. We aren't purely rational agents that can just flip our survival instincts to "off" and opt out so easily. We are animals wired for survival, even when the desire to die becomes overwhelming.
But does that fact make living okay if I "know better"? Do I know better or am I just trying to convince myself that my guilt is rational? Or is the reverse true and most people only come to the conclusion that it's better to live than die because their reasoning is motivated by deeply embedded survival instincts? Would the world be better off with or without me?
I've been struggling to sort all this out, but it's been so hard to have an honest conversation about this with anyone else. Most people think this line of reasoning is ridiculous because "of course" it's better to live than die, so they just won't take the questions seriously.
I hope it's better for me to exist, but I don't know. I can't figure this out. I hate living in a world where suffering is so unavoidable.
