Discussion Guilt receiving presents and kindness

[Bleak]

Unrelated to suicide, but does anyone else feel really guilty when they get presents or someone does something nice for them? I've gotten a few presents from extended family for Xmas and instead of gratitude my heart actually sinks a little bit. I don't know why I can't just feel grateful like I did when I was little. I get this way for any act of kindness. I guess it's partly feeling undeserving and also like I cannot return kindness properly. I can go through the gestures but it's like my heart doesn't have any real warmth or generosity towards others anymore which is very disturbing.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I know what you mean. Some of my friends have collaborated just to get me a present and my mom keeps trying to appease me with gifts knowing I always get extra depressed around this time of year. I'd rather they hated me and just let me die in peace to be honest. Even though I don't actually care all that much about their feelings, I do sometimes still feel bad that they're misguided enough to even want to waste their efforts caring for trash like me when I'm just going to end my life sometime next year anyway.

 

[Tomoko]

Yes. Christmas makes me freaking psychotic now. Everyone has been asking me if I am okay lately, which tells me enough on it's own. I want to CTB so bad, but I would feel horrible ruining this holiday for those who are still better off than me in my immediate family. My mother got me a present recently and I smiled and said thank you and etc etc. But inside my heart ripped to shreds because of how horrible I feel. She spent money on someone who will probably be a pile of ashes or in a box by late next year. All I feel during this holiday now is misery and despair and guilt.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

Yes - I can relate to this very much! I absolutely dislike it when somebody purchases me a gift; especially if it is from an acquaintance - like a so-called "co-worker." I have never asked or wanted anything from anyone, but there are still certain people who give me presents anyway. This makes me feel very, very uncomfortable, and it also puts the thought in my mind that I am in debt to that individual. Usually when I receive a gift I will give it to somebody else who will actually get use out of it.

 

[ket]

yes, i'm always apologizing or telling people not to bother with me, it is A Problem.

sucks because i just want to ignore life and not entangle myself with other people but everyone just thinks i'm weird for it.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I'm not a giver. I'm not sure if that's due to depression or my condition, or I'm just wired that way (probably a mix of all three) so in general it's no bueno for me to feel indebted or pressure to reciprocate. I recently turned down an offer from my sister, who said she'd pay for therapy for me. There's no such thing as a free lunch when it comes to other people and I know that will only contribute to an unequal dynamic.