Venting guess I dug my own grave

[february in alaska]

recovery seems like wishful thinking at this point. I've fallen so far behind there's not a point in trying to get back up. I literally don't have the energy. I don't have any motivation to get better even if I might want to. all the things that make me want to stay won't matter once I'm gone, I just need to try and remember that. I really hope whatever comes next is nice. I want to be happy. I want to feel all of this weight lift off me and be free from all the shit in my own head. I need the afterlife to be good. I don't care if I deserve it or not, I need to think that there's something out there for me

I keep getting emails from professors saying they're worried about me and it just makes me feel worse. what the fuck am I supposed to say? I can't see a path where I don't fail my classes this semester, I'm fucked either way. reaching out isn't going to do shit, I've done it before and it never does anything but worry everyone even more.

I just want this to be over, holy fuck. after months of planning and getting supplies and writing notes and coming to terms with it all, it feels like all the sadness is hitting me all at once. I'm fucking sad. I want to curl into a ball and cry my eyes out. I am the cause of everything wrong with me, I'm the failure, I'm the one who ruined it all, so I don't even feel like I have the right to whine about it, but my heart still feels like it's shattering, all I want to do is smash things against the wall and scream until my throat hurts. why is this so fucking hard