Venting Grown man crying over how my mom treats me

[struggles_inc]

I'm 22. Moved out. I live alone. Ever since I moved out, relationship with my mom kind of stabilised. It sucked before and it sucks every time we meet at family gatherings.

I know she loves me, but she always expects me to behave exactly how she wants. When I don't, she gives me silent treatment. When I was a kid, it lasted for days, weeks sometimes. And she never missed to show how easily she deals with me not being around. She would nicely chit chat with other people in front of me and pretend I'm not there.

As I said, I moved out. We got into a fight over the phone today. She hung up and blocklisted me. I know I shouldn't bother but it made me cry for some reason just like I used to my whole childhood.

She ignores me often after I snap or yell during an argument. I know I'm in the wrong for yelling, but she doesn't even give me the option to apologise. Sometimes I think she enjoys the sight of me begging her to just talk.

It feels embarrassing being a grown up crying over such stuff.

 

[sugarh1gh]

No, it's not embarrassing. You are 22. Still a young adult. Almost you just became adult. And you crying means that you love your mom despite how she treated you. You are crying because it's almost like you mom is betraying your love and not letting you vent out thoughts and apologies to her. You are crying because you deserve that chance to explain yourself and get along again. You are crying because you love her and it doesn't feel like she knows how much you love her.

It's not embarrassing at all. Crying is perfectly normal no matter how old you are. It helps you to accept the emotion. So don't beat yourself over this. It's alright.

 

[struggles_inc]

No, it's not embarrassing. You are 22. Still a young adult. Almost you just became adult. And you crying means that you love your mom despite how she treated you. You are crying because it's almost like you mom is betraying your love and not letting you vent out thoughts and apologies to her. You are crying because you deserve that chance to explain yourself and get along again. You are crying because you love her and it doesn't feel like she knows how much you love her.

It's not embarrassing at all. Crying is perfectly normal no matter how old you are. It helps you to accept the emotion. So don't beat yourself over this. It's alright.

Starting from teenage years I read a lot about 'cold-shoulder' treatment in parents but I still can't deal with it. While I really want to just make everything go back to normal, I also feel really bad that the technique still works terribly well on me and I still can't fight it. Thank you very much for your kind words
PS: In moments like that I remember how stupid I was for trying to come out to her. She didn't talk to me for weeks and I had to convince her I was heterosexual (I asked my friend of opposite gender to pretend to be my date) so that she would acknowledge my presence.
We never returned to that topic.

 

[sugarh1gh]

Starting from teenage years I read a lot about 'cold-shoulder' treatment in parents but I still can't deal with it. While I really want to just make everything go back to normal, I also feel really bad that the technique still works terribly well on me and I still can't fight it. Thank you very much for your kind words
PS: In moments like that I remember how stupid I was for trying to come out to her. She didn't talk to me for weeks and I had to convince her I was heterosexual (I asked my friend of opposite gender to pretend to be my date) so that she would acknowledge my presence.
We never returned to that topic.

Yeah coming out is not easy nor understood all the time. I admire your courage to be able to say and express who you are. That was really brave. You already know now how she would react to you coming out. It would've been easy for your mother either. She has her own philosophy and beliefs right? On the bright side, you already told her! Whether she likes it or not, she would remember that you once have came out.
Hopefully, she accepts it over time, but it's not your fault. You are who you are, and no one can change it.

I know it's going to be hard on you, but from your comments, it looks like you love her a lot. So, why don't you play along with her saying hetero for a while, just to give her some time to process? You never know, she might change her thoughts. You are not lying because you are embarrassed or did something wrong. It's for her sake and you.

 

[struggles_inc]

Yeah coming out is not easy nor understood all the time. I admire your courage to be able to say and express who you are. That was really brave. You already know now how she would react to you coming out. It would've been easy for your mother either. She has her own philosophy and beliefs right? On the bright side, you already told her! Whether she likes it or not, she would remember that you once have came out.
Hopefully, she accepts it over time, but it's not your fault. You are who you are, and no one can change it.

I know it's going to be hard on you, but from your comments, it looks like you love her a lot. So, why don't you play along with her saying hetero for a while, just to give her some time to process? You never know, she might change her thoughts. You are not lying because you are embarrassed or did something wrong. It's for her sake and you.

I'm trying to do that, but really she unfortunately only accepts me at my best. Sometimes I feel like it's a competition of some sort for her because she is either proud and bragging about me to everyone or she is just in denial about me. I have already made peace with the fact that I'm supposed to be straight, stoic, always composed. Me expressing any kind of anger or disappointment is greeted with hostility then stonewalling. I shouldn't be too loud and I should be productive at all timed because she thinks she is and she wants me to catch up.

My dad died, so my mom is my only family and of course I don't hate her, she just makes it really hard to love her. Her love feels very conditional. I have to tick all the boxes all the time and if I mess up, it will be brutally hard to apologise.

Once again, I really love her. But sometimes I think it's not really me that she loves in response. It's a made up personality, 10% of me.

She doesn't even know I'm depressed because for her depression is a disappointing characteristic.
I remember her telling me what depression is and how I don't understand it. She was describing to me that a person feels hopeless and lonely. Fortunately that was a phone conversation, so I just had to cover my mouth and not make a sound. I cried in silence and whet it was my turn to speak, I composed myself and said yeah, you're totally right.

 

[sugarh1gh]

I'm trying to do that, but really she unfortunately only accepts me at my best. Sometimes I feel like it's a competition of some sort for her because she is either proud and bragging about me to everyone or she is just in denial about me. I have already made peace with the fact that I'm supposed to be straight, stoic, always composed. Me expressing any kind of anger or disappointment is greeted with hostility then stonewalling. I shouldn't be too loud and I should be productive at all timed because she thinks she is and she wants me to catch up.

My dad died, so my mom is my only family and of course I don't hate her, she just makes it really hard to love her. Her love feels very conditional. I have to tick all the boxes all the time and if I mess up, it will be brutally hard to apologise.

Once again, I really love her. But sometimes I think it's not really me that she loves in response. It's a made up personality, 10% of me.

She doesn't even know I'm depressed because for her depression is a disappointing characteristic.

I am from asian family, and I will let you guess how conservative they are. Depression is definitely considered a sign of weak or disappointment in my family and country, which is getting better, but not enough. I learned to mask and lie about everything so I look like a perfect child to them. I never really share my struggles either.

Distancing is a good strategy too. I have been living abroad by myself for a long time now, and my relationship with my family has never been better. I can't stay with them for more than 3 days without a fight. But when I am abroad and can only talk over the phone, we don't really fight.

Everyone's love in this world seems to be conditional. Maybe there are other families who are always loving, but definitely not my family. So I learned to not trust anyone's love. As I expect love from them, they expect me to show certain behavior. It's like an equation.

It would kill you sometimes, but I just share only good news to my family. So they don't know what kind of struggles and hardships I faced. But it brings peace in my family. If that is what you want, it would hurt you, but it is a good strategy.

 

[Viranamari]

I don't think that makes you remotely childish. From what I read, it appears your mother seems to be the one in the wrong but then again, I don't know the full story. Rather, to me it seems that your mother is the one who is childish. You're just 22 years old after all so you're still just a young adult. Crying over these things is valid even if you are an adult. Maybe you should open up to your mother about this if you are comfortable? Your mother seems rather close minded to me so I'm not really sure if it will help. But you should probably convey your feelings to your mother to let her know how you feel.
If she doesn't change, its also still alright. I feel like people are better off without such mentally draining relationships.

 

[struggles_inc]

I am from asian family, and I will let you guess how conservative they are. Depression is definitely considered a sign of weak or disappointment in my family and country, which is getting better, but not enough. I learned to mask and lie about everything so I look like a perfect child to them. I never really share my struggles either.

Distancing is a good strategy too. I have been living abroad by myself for a long time now, and my relationship with my family has never been better. I can't stay with them for more than 3 days without a fight. But when I am abroad and can only talk over the phone, we don't really fight.

Everyone's love in this world seems to be conditional. Maybe there are other families who are always loving, but definitely not my family. So I learned to not trust anyone's love. As I expect love from them, they expect me to show certain behavior. It's like an equation.

It would kill you sometimes, but I just share only good news to my family. So they don't know what kind of struggles and hardships I faced. But it brings peace in my family. If that is what you want, it would hurt you, but it is a good strategy.

Not exactly Asian, but close. Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate to that. Especially not trusting anyone's love. Very true.

 

[sugarh1gh]

Not exactly Asian, but close. Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate to that. Especially not trusting anyone's love. Very true.

It's very sad, honestly.
I can't promise you how long I will exist, but if you need to talk to someone, you can always start a chat or conversation with me.
Thank you for sharing your story too.
I wish you have a peaceful day/night.

 

[lovedread]

She should be the one embarrassed because she's using the silent treatment. That sounds so traumatizing.