Venting grieving the life i will never get to live

[evergreen_forest]

im someone who easily finds happiness and joy in the little things.

i never wanted much out of life. i can find contentment in simplicity.

i have so much love and warmth to give.

so why am i suicidal?

i dont want to die. not at all. i want to live. but i NEED A WAY OUT.

my existence is AGONIZING. i am riddled with horrific trauma.

i have made a series of decisions that have led to the worst possible outcomes. i never could have known. ive done everything "right". i look at my younger self and i just had no fucking idea what was coming for me.

i have nothing left. except absolutely harrowing trauma.

i need the pain to stop. thats why im suicidal.

i would give ANYTHING to go back and get a do-over in my life. i want to live. but its too late.

it makes me so fucking sad. im not like this. im not supposed to be like this. im supposed to be such a peaceful and loving person. im grieving the woman i was supposed to grow into. oh my god

 

[GremlinCan56]

I am sorry that you are in so much pain. I can definitely relate to wishing life had turned out different or wishing there was a more livable version and existence being agonizing and needing the pain to end asap.

No two situations are the same but I feel you.

 

[badatparties]

Yeah. trauma really turns us into monsters. I hate seeing the person I've become. Maybe the universe is cyclical and when you die, a trillion years will pass in the blink of an eye, and we'll get another chance.

We were dead for billions of years and it passed just like that. I just have hope that death will heal everything.

 

[thisIsNotEnough]

Such a shame that trauma makes it almost impossible to live for some of us, even when we don't have really high standards for our happiness.
Like we should be the happiest people alive, but no, we're traumatized and doomed to misery instead.
The worst part is we don't want to die so it's incredibly difficult to ctb when that may be the only thing that will end our torment.

I hope you're able to find an end to your suffering someday <3

 

[badatparties]

That's why i lmao when people say your grow/learn from trauma and bad experiences. No the fuck you don't. Society just tells you these things because they like to huff on the strongest copium possible.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

Same. But there's no way back. At least not for me.