Venting Grieving alone

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

From the deepest, darkest corners of the Internet I find solace—here I am heard and accepted, appreciated and valued. People whom I've never met in real life were the ones who left me the fondest memories. Through this platform I am given an opportunity like no other to express and be myself. To rant and rave, crack jokes, and connect with those of shared passions. An opportunity that I am most grateful for.

So it hurts. To know that some are no longer here with us. People come and go, and a forum like this should be one of the last places to have deep emotional feelings for anyone, but my heart sinks when I see the crossed-out names of those I knew, or receive the news of their passing. Even though I respect their choice to leave, it pains me that life has brought them to take that decision, and part of me wishes that things had turned out differently. From time to time I would reminisce the good times we shared, the things we had in common—it's a bittersweet feeling. Their absence leaves a hole in my heart that no one else will ever fill.

But alas, I have no one to confess my feelings to. Not my family, friends, or even a therapist. Well I could open up and tell them about this place, as many others have, but what would they think of me? That I would rather seek support from random strangers online, instead of my own loved ones? Not to mention the implications of being active on a suicide forum.

I would feel betrayed. Despite living under the same roof 24/7, you never really knew 'her' as a person—what you've seen so far is but no more than a facade. They'll no longer believe a single word I say. I'll be put on Suicide Watch, have my devices confiscated, and be made a prisoner in my own home. There's just too much at stake for me. I have no choice bottle up my feelings and grieve alone.

I apologise if I'm being out of character. I just needed to get this off my chest.

I miss you @262653 (aka Burzolog) and @Fehler. Wherever you are, may you be at peace.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Agreed. People come and go in all areas of our lives, but it's so sad and surreal when you figure they may not even be on this Earth anymore. Over the years I've struggled to conceptualize death in general - how to go from being a human with so much complexity and value to just nothing. A big part of my mind can't reconcile that for some reason.

FWIW the rest of us love you and have your back too <3

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

Agreed. People come and go in all areas of our lives, but it's so sad and surreal when you figure they may not even be on this Earth anymore. Over the years I've struggled to conceptualize death in general - how to go from being a human with so much complexity and value to just nothing. A big part of my mind can't reconcile that for some reason.

FWIW the rest of us love you and have your back too <3

Thanks @Angst Filled Fuck Up, I really appreciate it.

I wholeheartedly agree with you. Even with the knowledge that death is an inevitable rite of passage for all of us, it is still difficult to come to terms with our own mortality. All the harder is finding meaning in a existence that is both fleeting and finite. People die everyday, but when it comes to those you know and care about, it hits you like no other.

 

[Pluto]

It seems that we find ourselves in this virtual end-of-life care facility because of society's failure to either shield us from prior traumas, provide genuine solutions to our woes or to at least offer a means of gracefully exiting unworkable situations.

Solutions are tragically hard to implement here given the stage we already find ourselves at, but the mutual compassion and understanding that is largely unavailable outside of this environment makes strong bonding inevitable, albeit at the cost of further sealing many of our fates. It is the epitome of bittersweet.

Here, we do not have to be alone or die alone. This is something that normally cannot be offered even by family and friends. Hopefully you know that even your grief is not alone.

 

[FuneralCry]

Of course those who have left us are now at peace and are free from suffering, but I understand that it is painful to lose those that we were close to. It is sad how much some people suffer in life, life is very unfair. I wish you the best.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

It seems that we find ourselves in this virtual end-of-life care facility because of society's failure to either shield us from prior traumas, provide genuine solutions to our woes or to at least offer a means of gracefully exiting unworkable situations.

Solutions are tragically hard to implement here given the stage we already find ourselves at, but the mutual compassion and understanding that is largely unavailable outside of this environment makes strong bonding inevitable, albeit at the cost of further sealing many of our fates. It is the epitome of bittersweet.

Here, we do not have to be alone or die alone. This is something that normally cannot be offered even by family and friends. Hopefully you know that even your grief is not alone.

Beautifully put, @Pluto. This place offers solace and comfort like nowhere else. But at the same time, because of its unique nature, the impermanence that permeates our lives is particularly tangible. SS is like family to me, and it feels as though I've lost loved ones.

It's a shame that some cannot see our community for who we truly are, and seek to shut this site down.

Of course those who have left us are now at peace and are free from suffering, but I understand that it is painful to lose those that we were close to. It is sad how much some people suffer in life, life is very unfair. I wish you the best.

Thank you, @FuneralCry. Life is indeed unfair. We have no control over the cards in which we've been dealt, so I strongly believe that there's no shame in giving up and quitting a battle that to you, is not worth fighting for. To quote fellow member Voûte_Étoilé,

"Jack London once said that 'Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but sometimes, playing a poor hand well.' Well, any poker player can tell you that sometimes playing well requires you to fold."

While the poker player certainly has the option of trying to make the best out of the poor hand he has been dealt, or what he considers as such, folding may be preferable.