grief when you're too young to remember

[TheHolySword]

My baby nephew is my favorite thing in this whole world. Seeing him is the only thing that really gives me any kind of happiness anymore. I visited my sister yesterday and all I could think about is that he's never going to remember me. He has his whole life ahead of him, his parents are going to show him so much love. And I'm not going to be part of it. He's not going to really know who that person was in all these pictures. He's not going to know how much I loved him. I'm leaving my life savings to my sister for him and any other kids she has. It'll mean everything to her but nothing to them. I know my sister will raise him with the knowledge of how much he meant to me but he's never really going to understand the sadness she feels. It's hard to feel a pain you don't remember. And I don't know if it's better that he doesn't remember or if it breaks my heart that my little man won't know me.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Perhaps you could make him of video of yourself telling him exactly how much he means to you, something he could view later in his life? I know it's not perfectly ideal, but, at least, it would be a way for him to hear it from you, too, one day when he's older.

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

I think the kind of bond you have with your sister will help, she will speak of your memory, and there will be plenty stories to tell. When my dad passed, my sisters were very young, and they don't remember him. Unfortunately, there aren't good memories for me or my mom to share. The memories you leave with your sister, will live on through her and she will speak of you with love. It may also help to journal some thoughts, or write about family moments, for your sister to recall and for the little one to hear about later.

 

[ForeverCaHa]

This is something I've been thinking about recently too. I'm not especially close with my nieces and nephews, unlike you, but they are of course aware that I exist. Including my cousins' kids who have spent a lot of time with me there are a lot of kids. If my plan is a success I guess I'll be the first 'big' death in their lives, and I'm curious how it will be approached by the adults in their lives.

Even for the teens in my family though, I don't know how it will affect them. When I was a teen there was a tragic loss in my family, and although I was aware what 'death' meant, I didn't really get the gravity of the situation.

It's an odd feeling, knowing that you'll only really be present as stories and anecdotes.

 

[astonishedturnip]

My 2-year-old niece is one of the biggest joys I could have ever been blessed with... She's so adorable, charming, smart, and curious. It gets me through the week to know she's coming over to visit. When she was born and I held her for the first time, it brought to mind a line from the film Tokyo Story... "By the time you [grow up] I wonder if I'll still be here." I want to stick around for her, but... part of me thinks I just won't be able to.

I tell myself that I'm on her dad's side of the family, the side (at least in the US) infamous for being the forgotten/unpopular side of the family. She lives much closer to her mom's side of the family and they visit more often, so I probably wouldn't be a big loss. Besides, at least in my own family, aunts/uncles weren't enormous influences. I bet she would probably just get sick of me by the time she was a teen anyway. She was terrified of me the first 6 months of life, I couldn't even hold her without her breaking down in tears. Good times...

Not even sure where I'm going with this message... I guess it's all you can do to give him love while you can, young kids need SO MUCH of it. Maybe leave him a video message or letter for when he's older talking about how you felt holding him for the first time, the lessons you want him to learn, or at least impart those values onto your sister. I guess with life, it just goes on...

 

[spenshart]

The truth is, even though he may not have the memories of you in the way you hope, the love and impact you've had on his life will still matter in ways you can't always see.

Sometimes, the people we care about most may not fully understand the depth of our feelings at the time, but that doesn't make them any less real. You're making a difference in his life by being there for him now, and the love you're giving him will continue to shape his world even if he doesn't remember it in the way you wish.

Your love and the gifts you're leaving behind are powerful, and they'll be felt by your sister and her family, who will surely share your story with him when he's old enough. It's okay to feel sad about these kinda things, but it's also okay to cherish the time you do have with him, knowing that it's meaningful and full of love. You may not know the full impact now, but your presence, love, kindness and generosity will always be a part of his story.