Niko66
Specialist
- Dec 6, 2021
- 352
I wished I had at least one positive influence in my life growing up, I feel like that could have made all the difference... I struggled with mental illness since early life but what I really believe was the snowball that turned into the mess that I am today is that lack of someone, anyone whom I could trust, who could provide me some support or guidance or even education. My parents did no parenting, taught me nothing, absent dad, abusive mother, at home I saught to be alone as much as I could because my mother was corrosive to my mental health and would use me to vent her unhappiness with life and how her children essentially ruined her life. I am a second generation inmigrant and so I have little family in my country and what little there was... no one cared either, no one visited, no one looked at me, I had no means to seek therapy, I didn't understand mental health, I had no one to look up, the problems which were perfectly workable, the tools that I may have used to cope with life when you aren't neurotypical and struggling I had no way of knowing, I was just a helpless child whose only figure of safety was also an abuser who would do everything to make me feel bad and ashamed about myself before thinking of offering any help and so I learnt all the wrong ways to face my reality being the naive, autistic, anxious and depressed child facing rejection, facing my own inner demons, facing constant manifestations of my mental health into chronic physical issues... a little worse every year it got without fault.
I grieve for what could have been, I wish there had been someone who looked at me, who saught to give me a hand, I wish I knew once in my life what it feels like to be safe and supported, to trust someone. But there was no one and the one friend, couple of years older than me that was becoming the person I looked up to, my mom shut away from my life yet again despite me doing well at school and trying to be well behaved and it just hurts, it fills me with grief for what could have been, and it feels me with anger against my parents who so irresponsibly brought children despite being entirely unequipped emotionally and economically to raise them, the father who so easily moved on from my life to make his own with a new family and new children because he couldn't stand my mother, and the mother who felt it in her right to use me and my sister to channel her suffering and pass it onto us in the form of constant verbal abuse, manipulation, self victimizing, as if it was our fault that we were born. I saw a therapist for the first time when I had a job and I could afford it in my early 20s, and I realized how impactful having someone like that could have been. Someone who looked at me and praised my qualities, someone who gave me advice on how to deal with the life I have to face, but it felt to little too late by my adulthood so much damage was done and at 25 now I am still trying to pick up the pieces and no matter what I do it feels like I can't stop this constant descent.
I wish there had been someone, any one person who made me feel safe, not judged, who wanted to help not blame me. And I will never forgive my parents for the life they created and then trashed so carelessly, I can't imagine I will ever let go of this hate in me for them, because I can't imagine how can you possibly abuse an innocent creature that looks to you for safety no matter in how much pain they might have been.
I grieve for what could have been, I wish there had been someone who looked at me, who saught to give me a hand, I wish I knew once in my life what it feels like to be safe and supported, to trust someone. But there was no one and the one friend, couple of years older than me that was becoming the person I looked up to, my mom shut away from my life yet again despite me doing well at school and trying to be well behaved and it just hurts, it fills me with grief for what could have been, and it feels me with anger against my parents who so irresponsibly brought children despite being entirely unequipped emotionally and economically to raise them, the father who so easily moved on from my life to make his own with a new family and new children because he couldn't stand my mother, and the mother who felt it in her right to use me and my sister to channel her suffering and pass it onto us in the form of constant verbal abuse, manipulation, self victimizing, as if it was our fault that we were born. I saw a therapist for the first time when I had a job and I could afford it in my early 20s, and I realized how impactful having someone like that could have been. Someone who looked at me and praised my qualities, someone who gave me advice on how to deal with the life I have to face, but it felt to little too late by my adulthood so much damage was done and at 25 now I am still trying to pick up the pieces and no matter what I do it feels like I can't stop this constant descent.
I wish there had been someone, any one person who made me feel safe, not judged, who wanted to help not blame me. And I will never forgive my parents for the life they created and then trashed so carelessly, I can't imagine I will ever let go of this hate in me for them, because I can't imagine how can you possibly abuse an innocent creature that looks to you for safety no matter in how much pain they might have been.