I would like to offer my heartfelt thanks for those friends who listen thoughtfully, who sympathize with kindness, and who understand that interfering with intentions is counterproductive.
I have been blessed with two IRL friends to whom I can speak openly of my intention to ctb. They go out of their way to coax me into their company, and over coffee or lunch they hear what I'm saying, understand that I hurt more than I can bear, and know better than to bury me under platitudes and vague, baseless assurances life will improve. Even as they tell me they hope I will change my mind, they assure me they understand if I don't. One has even offered to be my advocate: if I send an email that I am gone, and don't countermand it by a certain time, s/he will call the coroner and report my death, so that my family doesn't need to discover my body. I know that in their role as my friends, watching me crash, they are under such strain as I cannot conceive of.
Such friends are worth more than all the stars in the sky.
I seriously doubt either of them will wander by this site, or chance across this thread, but I needed to publicly send out into the Universe my most profound gratitude to these people. If friendship alone were enough to keep me alive, I would live a hundred joyous lifetimes on the strength of their friendship.
And for all of you here, who read my posts, chuckle at my quips, reflect on my ideas and advice, and in turn make me read, smile, and contemplate, and who have shown me compassion and sympathy far beyond my expectations, thank you, too. When I first stumbled across this forum I had preconceptions of the trolls and eggers-on I might find here --and have seen none of what I feared. Instead, I have found the single most genuinely kind community I have experienced in my almost half century of existence.
I've now flubbed ctb twice in ten days. I have no idea when I'll next try; hopefully soon, but perhaps never --I have ceased trying to second guess the Fates. I have even less idea whether I'll be successful then, should then actually happen. But being here in the meantime is a deep relief.
Thank you.
I have been blessed with two IRL friends to whom I can speak openly of my intention to ctb. They go out of their way to coax me into their company, and over coffee or lunch they hear what I'm saying, understand that I hurt more than I can bear, and know better than to bury me under platitudes and vague, baseless assurances life will improve. Even as they tell me they hope I will change my mind, they assure me they understand if I don't. One has even offered to be my advocate: if I send an email that I am gone, and don't countermand it by a certain time, s/he will call the coroner and report my death, so that my family doesn't need to discover my body. I know that in their role as my friends, watching me crash, they are under such strain as I cannot conceive of.
Such friends are worth more than all the stars in the sky.
I seriously doubt either of them will wander by this site, or chance across this thread, but I needed to publicly send out into the Universe my most profound gratitude to these people. If friendship alone were enough to keep me alive, I would live a hundred joyous lifetimes on the strength of their friendship.
And for all of you here, who read my posts, chuckle at my quips, reflect on my ideas and advice, and in turn make me read, smile, and contemplate, and who have shown me compassion and sympathy far beyond my expectations, thank you, too. When I first stumbled across this forum I had preconceptions of the trolls and eggers-on I might find here --and have seen none of what I feared. Instead, I have found the single most genuinely kind community I have experienced in my almost half century of existence.
I've now flubbed ctb twice in ten days. I have no idea when I'll next try; hopefully soon, but perhaps never --I have ceased trying to second guess the Fates. I have even less idea whether I'll be successful then, should then actually happen. But being here in the meantime is a deep relief.
Thank you.
