Venting Got told by a psychiatrist that I have no disorder, and what I experience is what everyone experiences...

[Waylander]

I would like to preface this by saying the psychiatrist was really nice, and chill, didn't judge me at all...but I've been feeling like shit all day, went back to self harm and thinking of suicide (after like eaah, 2 day hiatus bcs I was starting to get hope all my problems will be resolved somehow ...wishful thinking that).

Also, side note, sorry for this rant, on the off chance I might sound like a spoiled brat who can't handle failure in the dumbest things...I mean yeah. I am. And I know my reasons for suffering seem super dumb, and lot of folks here went through actual traumatic things but I am at the lowest point I've ever been in, and this place seems like the least judgmental and most understanding for unbearable pain no matter the cause.

But yeah like, I don't know how to feel now. My parents suspected I have bipolar disorder before (since it runs in the family but I don't fit the profile entirely), and it's not like I wish to have it but if I knew from the get go there is something wrong with my brain that I cannot fix no matter how much effort I put in, I could feel less bad about not accomplishing all I set out to do and not feel like I wanna kill myself everytime I fail, and maybe get some medication which would actually help me (been on antidepressants before, they do nothing for me).

I know there is no quick solution to this no matter how much I want it, but the only suggestion I got from the psychiatrist was to go to psychotherapy, ideally for 2 years since my thinking is reaaally rigid and hard to crack. I will definitely try the therapy but I need an instant solution now otherwise I will kill myself...like it's really serious. I am already on some super mild antipsychotics from another psychiatrist who also didn't classify me as bipolar or anything else, she just prescribed the medication for a depressive episode I am in right now (since I don't get depressive often, like once a year but when I do...i am all in, I go insane) but she also seems to think I am normal just learned some bad coping mechanisms bcs I am a perfectionist.

Anyway my main issue is I am really struggling with uni right now, and I've tried everything to get better (struggling with classes, tests...failing a bunch of stuff, horrible procrastination, don't sleep, don't eat, no time management...and fyi i am studying my dream major, i really dont wanna do anything else or the vanilla version). I bought a bunch of books on routines, tried to sleep better, tried to create a schedule for myself, hyped myself with motivational quotes everyday (stuff like: failure is the fastest path to success). Nothing lasts. Nothing works. I still fail, I still procrastinate and the more stuff I fail the more I wanna kill myself and I've been talking myself out of my failings for months before I even got to the point of TELLING anyone how bad it is.

I actively worked on getting better at everything EVERY DAY. I really tried. But yet when I finally came to breaking point and decided to get professional help, tell my parents and try to figure out what's wrong with me and if I can actually get some help before I decide to end it all for good everyone just told me; I need better discipline, and if I really want to stay in this uni I just have to do better, sleep better, force myself to do routine. Apparently it's all in my head and no one can solve this for me but ME, and if I really want this I can just solve it all by will because eeeeveryone struggles like me and everyone has to go through this in uni and they push through. It might take years, it might take me longer but I will get there only by myself because I am the only source of my problems.

All this shit my parents were telling me, and now even medical professionals are telling me are things I've been telling myself for literal years. Like I am my own therapist, and I am really good at making myself feel better in most cases but some things I just cannot get over. If I fail this uni; I want to die, if I have to repeat the whole year and semester; I also want to die. I have very specific goals and dreams I need to achieve. My whole identity is built on them and when I fail I have nothing left to live for. And it's not something I am just saying, the emotional pain feels unbearable, I cut myself after every failed test these days, and maybe if I had some meds which would help me with school, focusing, acing those tests or just some explanation why I am constantly failing at something that is my literal dream and whole identity, maybe I would still have some hope left. But no, apparently everyone struggles the same way as I do, and if I can't get over it then it's a me-problem and I am not good enough, and I am not cut out for this, and since I am stubborn I can't accept that but therapy will "fix that for me in 2 years" if I do it consistently. Nothing will work on me because I am completely normal just not skilled enough and haven't learned to accept defeat. That is literally the narrative everyone is pushing on me, and I am starting to believe them.

Anyway, I am losing my mind here, since it seems like yeah sure, I have mood issues, which is acknowledged and I am kind of 'getting help for' but those are just the result after I fail. It seems the reason I fail is that I just suck, I am smart but not smart enough because I was failing even before I wanted to constantly kill myself, I only started to spiral like that AFTER it all got too much....and I thought if I get diagnosed with bipolar or ADHD, anything that would explain my failings and get actual help for it, I could be successful like the 'healthy ppl who don't have a broken brain by default which causes them to fail in things they would ace otherwise'. But no, I am healthy apparently. I am just a perfectionist and I need someone to talk me through that and that is the only thing that's wrong with me. Anything else is a skill issue, I could fix if I had the drive or intelligence. And since I definitely HAVE the drive I just can't manage it's probably just the fact that I am not good enough. And the fact that everyone is telling me to quit if I can't manage it like this doesn't help.

And I cannot settle for less. I cannot live in a world like that, there is no point to me otherwise. It's all I live for, it's the ONLY thing that gives me actual joy (doing things im interested in and being good at them).

So yeah, if anyone read this far, thx ...i do appreciate it

 

[whywere]

All my life, I am 69 almost 70, I have run into all type of medical folks who thought that they were a gift from GOD and had the attitude along with it.

Guess what? I dumped them faster than a bolt of lightning and found new and better folks.

just like after my car crash, went to 3 different pain clinics that were terrible and the 4th one was perfect. Have been going to the same pain doctor for over 10 years and he is more common than anyone.

I hope, pray and wish that you find a fantastic clinic and doctor to help. Keep looking and getting rid of those that either are egotistical.

Sunshine and kindness to you always,

Walter

 

[Waylander]

All my life, I am 69 almost 70, I have run into all type of medical folks who thought that they were a gift from GOD and had the attitude along with it.

Guess what? I dumped them faster than a bolt of lightning and found new and better folks.

just like after my car crash, went to 3 different pain clinics that were terrible and the 4th one was perfect. Have been going to the same pain doctor for over 10 years and he is more common than anyone.

I hope, pray and wish that you find a fantastic clinic and doctor to help. Keep looking and getting rid of those that either are egotistical.

Sunshine and kindness to you always,

Walter

That's a good advice, I really appreciate the kind words. The truth is I am on a tight schedule here since I need to get something official for my uni as soon as possible so that they don't flunk me for absences and something that will make me not fail again. But yeah, I suppose it's worth trying at the very least, though idk if I can handle another person perceiving me as too stable to qualify for actual help...I kind of feel bad, haha cause like all those medical professionals were 'nice' to me, downplaying my struggle but also complimenting me at the same time??? (too successful and high functioning to classify for anything which requires intervention apparently...besides the occasional therapy)

 

[whywere]

That's a good advice, I really appreciate the kind words. The truth is I am on a tight schedule here since I need to get something official for my uni as soon as possible so that they don't flunk me for absences and something that will make me not fail again. But yeah, I suppose it's worth trying at the very least, though idk if I can handle another person perceiving me as too stable to qualify for actual help...I kind of feel bad, haha cause like all those medical professionals were 'nice' to me, downplaying my struggle but also complimenting me at the same time??? (too successful and high functioning to classify for anything which requires intervention apparently...besides the occasional therapy)

You are such a kind and wonderful soul, and I REALLY need you here and with that said I hope that you find a wonderful place.

More than once, I am older, so more experience with crappy clinics and doctors since in the 1970's, and I found out that sometimes, yes just sometimes, BUT I REALLY had to be my own advocate and walk the heavens out of a clinic.

You are a WONDERFULLY thoughtful person, and I walk hand in hand with you always and wish you all the best.

We are ALL in this TOGETHER and I NEED you here as family, I REALLY do!!!

Walter

Yes real first name, as what I write is 100% me and never ever any B.S.. Never could stand folks and especially doctors who thought that they were so much better than me, NOPE, they walk, eat and everything just like everyone else does.

 

[shiny_quill]

Education, especially higher levels, optional education sucks in terms of mental health, and it can get overwhelming fast once you've fallen behind —you trip one time and it seems like everyone else is now way ahead and you'll never catch up— and there's not much that can be done about it, the system is designed that way. In my experience, the main help you'll get in that regard is from your peers, both those who have tripped and gotten back up and those who seemingly never struggled a day in their life... Still, I hope you are able to get "something official" for your university, if anything at least so that they don't fail you for being absent? Wishing you the best

 

[thefarter]

That's a good advice, I really appreciate the kind words. The truth is I am on a tight schedule here since I need to get something official for my uni as soon as possible so that they don't flunk me for absences and something that will make me not fail again. But yeah, I suppose it's worth trying at the very least, though idk if I can handle another person perceiving me as too stable to qualify for actual help...I kind of feel bad, haha cause like all those medical professionals were 'nice' to me, downplaying my struggle but also complimenting me at the same time??? (too successful and high functioning to classify for anything which requires intervention apparently...besides the occasional therapy)

hmm.. i think you should find another psych that will genuinely take your concerns seriously and let you get tested for adhd. it's normal to seem 'high-functioning' with adhd.. ur current psych is not understanding how much harder you worked to get to the same place as others without adhd. and the fact that you're struggling with uni now just shows that u probably do have adhd

 

[Waylander]

hmm.. i think you should find another psych that will genuinely take your concerns seriously and let you get tested for adhd. it's normal to seem 'high-functioning' with adhd.. ur current psych is not understanding how much harder you worked to get to the same place as others without adhd. and the fact that you're struggling with uni now just shows that u probably do have adhd

Yeah I am grasping at straws here right now...ADHD could explain my issues in uni but not even my own parents believe me (they only acknowledge the mood issues likely related to what my family member has but they feel my failures at uni are only the result of that and the rest I should have under complete control)...I fear I might just be looking for confirmation that I am not a failure or some easy fix (definitely yes on the latter ha). Cause to be honest, if I do get a diagnosis and the appropriate help and meds and I will still fail idk what I am gonna do...assuming I will even get that far.

 

[thefarter]

Yeah I am grasping at straws here right now...ADHD could explain my issues in uni but not even my own parents believe me (they only acknowledge the mood issues likely related to what my family member has but they feel my failures at uni are only the result of that and the rest I should have under complete control)...I fear I might just be looking for confirmation that I am not a failure or some easy fix (definitely yes on the latter ha). Cause to be honest, if I do get a diagnosis and the appropriate help and meds and I will still fail idk what I am gonna do...assuming I will even get that far.

i do understand your concerns..
i think u are being very harsh on yourself. i honestly believe that moving towards getting a diagnosis, so that your uni will be more forgiving in terms of deadlines & exams and providing detailed, numbered, lesson plans & notes, will help your situation a lot. and of course the meds won't magically fix your grades or anything, they'll just help with quieting your mind a bit and allowing you to focus on one thing at a time, then moving onto another thing. and if you're struggling with the workload, or how to approach a topic, you should go up to your profs and ask for help. u can DO this, i believe in you

 

[Waylander]

i do understand your concerns..
i think u are being very harsh on yourself. i honestly believe that moving towards getting a diagnosis, so that your uni will be more forgiving in terms of deadlines & exams and providing detailed, numbered, lesson plans & notes, will help your situation a lot. and of course the meds won't magically fix your grades or anything, they'll just help with quieting your mind a bit and allowing you to focus on one thing at a time, then moving onto another thing. and if you're struggling with the workload, or how to approach a topic, you should go up to your profs and ask for help. u can DO this, i believe in you

I don't have trouble with understanding, I just cannot manage my time whatsoever (and i've tried every trick there is on that front to be better at it), and mess up exams due to numerous factors at play...but yeah, the whole asking for help thing, I really struggle with that. It makes me feel so uncomfortable even when I physically force myself to do it (because I know that's how it should work) but I never understand what the teacher says to me anyway and the whole experience is just awkward (and I'm never awkward, it's just that my own fragile ego and fear of failure is blocking me)...tbh I've always had trouble with asking for help from anyone in multiple contexts but when it's connected to something I really need to be the best at for some reason it's all the more triggering. Crazy mindset, I know..can't help it Either way, thanks for your support .

 

[Hollowman]

There's no such thing as a "super mild antipsychotic". Did someone actually tell you that? Which one is it?

 

[fadedghost]

I would like to preface this by saying the psychiatrist was really nice, and chill, didn't judge me at all...but I've been feeling like shit all day, went back to self harm and thinking of suicide (after like eaah, 2 day hiatus bcs I was starting to get hope all my problems will be resolved somehow ...wishful thinking that).

Also, side note, sorry for this rant, on the off chance I might sound like a spoiled brat who can't handle failure in the dumbest things...I mean yeah. I am. And I know my reasons for suffering seem super dumb, and lot of folks here went through actual traumatic things but I am at the lowest point I've ever been in, and this place seems like the least judgmental and most understanding for unbearable pain no matter the cause.

But yeah like, I don't know how to feel now. My parents suspected I have bipolar disorder before (since it runs in the family but I don't fit the profile entirely), and it's not like I wish to have it but if I knew from the get go there is something wrong with my brain that I cannot fix no matter how much effort I put in, I could feel less bad about not accomplishing all I set out to do and not feel like I wanna kill myself everytime I fail, and maybe get some medication which would actually help me (been on antidepressants before, they do nothing for me).

I know there is no quick solution to this no matter how much I want it, but the only suggestion I got from the psychiatrist was to go to psychotherapy, ideally for 2 years since my thinking is reaaally rigid and hard to crack. I will definitely try the therapy but I need an instant solution now otherwise I will kill myself...like it's really serious. I am already on some super mild antipsychotics from another psychiatrist who also didn't classify me as bipolar or anything else, she just prescribed the medication for a depressive episode I am in right now (since I don't get depressive often, like once a year but when I do...i am all in, I go insane) but she also seems to think I am normal just learned some bad coping mechanisms bcs I am a perfectionist.

Anyway my main issue is I am really struggling with uni right now, and I've tried everything to get better (struggling with classes, tests...failing a bunch of stuff, horrible procrastination, don't sleep, don't eat, no time management...and fyi i am studying my dream major, i really dont wanna do anything else or the vanilla version). I bought a bunch of books on routines, tried to sleep better, tried to create a schedule for myself, hyped myself with motivational quotes everyday (stuff like: failure is the fastest path to success). Nothing lasts. Nothing works. I still fail, I still procrastinate and the more stuff I fail the more I wanna kill myself and I've been talking myself out of my failings for months before I even got to the point of TELLING anyone how bad it is.

I actively worked on getting better at everything EVERY DAY. I really tried. But yet when I finally came to breaking point and decided to get professional help, tell my parents and try to figure out what's wrong with me and if I can actually get some help before I decide to end it all for good everyone just told me; I need better discipline, and if I really want to stay in this uni I just have to do better, sleep better, force myself to do routine. Apparently it's all in my head and no one can solve this for me but ME, and if I really want this I can just solve it all by will because eeeeveryone struggles like me and everyone has to go through this in uni and they push through. It might take years, it might take me longer but I will get there only by myself because I am the only source of my problems.

All this shit my parents were telling me, and now even medical professionals are telling me are things I've been telling myself for literal years. Like I am my own therapist, and I am really good at making myself feel better in most cases but some things I just cannot get over. If I fail this uni; I want to die, if I have to repeat the whole year and semester; I also want to die. I have very specific goals and dreams I need to achieve. My whole identity is built on them and when I fail I have nothing left to live for. And it's not something I am just saying, the emotional pain feels unbearable, I cut myself after every failed test these days, and maybe if I had some meds which would help me with school, focusing, acing those tests or just some explanation why I am constantly failing at something that is my literal dream and whole identity, maybe I would still have some hope left. But no, apparently everyone struggles the same way as I do, and if I can't get over it then it's a me-problem and I am not good enough, and I am not cut out for this, and since I am stubborn I can't accept that but therapy will "fix that for me in 2 years" if I do it consistently. Nothing will work on me because I am completely normal just not skilled enough and haven't learned to accept defeat. That is literally the narrative everyone is pushing on me, and I am starting to believe them.

Anyway, I am losing my mind here, since it seems like yeah sure, I have mood issues, which is acknowledged and I am kind of 'getting help for' but those are just the result after I fail. It seems the reason I fail is that I just suck, I am smart but not smart enough because I was failing even before I wanted to constantly kill myself, I only started to spiral like that AFTER it all got too much....and I thought if I get diagnosed with bipolar or ADHD, anything that would explain my failings and get actual help for it, I could be successful like the 'healthy ppl who don't have a broken brain by default which causes them to fail in things they would ace otherwise'. But no, I am healthy apparently. I am just a perfectionist and I need someone to talk me through that and that is the only thing that's wrong with me. Anything else is a skill issue, I could fix if I had the drive or intelligence. And since I definitely HAVE the drive I just can't manage it's probably just the fact that I am not good enough. And the fact that everyone is telling me to quit if I can't manage it like this doesn't help.

And I cannot settle for less. I cannot live in a world like that, there is no point to me otherwise. It's all I live for, it's the ONLY thing that gives me actual joy (doing things im interested in and being good at them).

So yeah, if anyone read this far, thx ...i do appreciate it

please get tested for ADHD. there is psychometric testing. everything you are saying reads like ADHD. You could also be bipolar and just in the early stages of it and it hasn't really hit yet. it's also possible you have ADHD, you're borderline (can't deal with not being perfect leading to extreme emotional issues because of borderline or borderline tendencies) and the ADHD is exascerbating the borderline issues, and the borderline issues leading to emotional dysregulation are leading to actual depression and suicidal impulses. ADHD meds won't make borderline tendancies go away, or depression go away, but you may be less distracted and more in control and so will be able to conform more to your perfectionism and feel less emotional dysregulation leading to less depression

have you done actual psychometric tests for ADHD? some doctors don't want to prescribe stimulants because they are addicting and so they go out of their way to deny that ADHD exists.

Please get the testing done.

I don't have trouble with understanding, I just cannot manage my time whatsoever (and i've tried every trick there is on that front to be better at it), and mess up exams due to numerous factors at play...but yeah, the whole asking for help thing, I really struggle with that. It makes me feel so uncomfortable even when I physically force myself to do it (because I know that's how it should work) but I never understand what the teacher says to me anyway and the whole experience is just awkward (and I'm never awkward, it's just that my own fragile ego and fear of failure is blocking me)...tbh I've always had trouble with asking for help from anyone in multiple contexts but when it's connected to something I really need to be the best at for some reason it's all the more triggering. Crazy mindset, I know..can't help it Either way, thanks for your support .

it's textbook adhd

real adhd testing isn't done with a list of symptoms. they do specific psychometric tests asking you to react to certain stimuli. guessing if someone has adhd by how they present, especially when they say they are a perfectionist and can't manage their time at all, is a really bad approach to diagnosis. you need actual psychometric testing.

 

[Waylander]

There's no such thing as a "super mild antipsychotic". Did someone actually tell you that? Which one is it?

Sorry, didn't do my research properly lmao. It's classified as an antiepileptic which can be used as a mood stabiliser, it's called lamotrigine.

please get tested for ADHD. there is psychometric testing. everything you are saying reads like ADHD. You could also be bipolar and just in the early stages of it and it hasn't really hit yet. it's also possible you have ADHD, you're borderline (can't deal with not being perfect leading to extreme emotional issues because of borderline or borderline tendencies) and the ADHD is exascerbating the borderline issues, and the borderline issues leading to emotional dysregulation are leading to actual depression and suicidal impulses. ADHD meds won't make borderline tendancies go away, or depression go away, but you may be less distracted and more in control and so will be able to conform more to your perfectionism and feel less emotional dysregulation leading to less depression

have you done actual psychometric tests for ADHD? some doctors don't want to prescribe stimulants because they are addicting and so they go out of their way to deny that ADHD exists.

Please get the testing done.

it's textbook adhd

real adhd testing isn't done with a list of symptoms. they do specific psychometric tests asking you to react to certain stimuli. guessing if someone has adhd by how they present, especially when they say they are a perfectionist and can't manage their time at all, is a really bad approach to diagnosis. you need actual psychometric testing.

I think part of the issue might be that the country I am from is super behind in this stuff. It's nearly impossible to get an ADHD diagnosis if you are over 18 (I've actually looked it up, lot of ppl are having the same issue as me apparently) because if you didn't struggle enough in childhood (enough to get professional help), you don't qualify for a diagnosis like this. I did get kind of diagnosed with Asperger's when I was 9 (it was a bit random, didn't do any tests or anything also it was by a psychologist not psychiatrist but I think it's still in my medical record somewhere) but interestingly enough all the psychiatrists ever since told me I don't have Asperger's either , which is fair, I don't think I struggle with the things that are tied to Asperger's directly (eye contact, need for routine, not reading social cues etc).

The thing is I did struggle since childhood and did get help for it (didn't help me much, the best solution was always to switch schools and I switched a loooot) but I was doing academically too well apparently (the stuff I got help for was related to exam stress, authority issues...I couldn't handle someone telling me what to do and would defy them).

Honestly I don't care for labels much but I really wanna try the medications to see if it would fix anything cause right now I feel absolutely worthless. It's a different kind of worthless, since in highschool I could always blame my failure on the rigid system where no one is allowed creative thought and the tests tell you absolutely nothing about the actual skill of the person. But now I am studying something I thought I was good at and I chose with intent because it's my passion. No one is forcing me. That's the worst part, that's why I am losing my sense of self entirely and with it my will to live.