This is going to be a long post because I need to vent. I don't even feel suicidal. I have been having suicidal ideation and have felt like I'd rather die than deal with everything going on in my life, but I am not necessarily hopeless. I'm just exhausted. I have been through a lot in the last few years. I know that many people have been through more, but I have very, veeeeerry low distress tolerance. And I act very stupid when I have anxiety attacks. So two days ago, I was a little buzzed, came home from work to my ex partner (who I still live with) not being home after promising me he'd be home so that we could talk (I asked him several times if he will make sure he'll be home and he said yes.) I have been already on edge because I feel like there is no way I can get the career I want, I felt distant from my friends, my pets might have health issues, my house is a mess, I have been through a separation this year(not divorced yet) and my ex-husband doesn't even communicate with me although I am an immigrant and this might ruin my chances of staying in the country I am, I don't have health insurance(cannot get a cheaper one because I'd have to do it with my husband) so I cannot really see a therapist or a psychiatrist for my ADHD and anxiety meds. Just a whole lot.
Back to the topic. So my stupid ass was buzzed. I've spent long enough on this forum to know you cannot OD on most pills. But I had some 40 or so 25mg hydroxyzine pills. I was really upset and dramatic so I took them all at once. The problem is that, before that, I called most of my friends telling them how depressed I was and, AND (biggest mistake of all, which I am very embarrassed about) I kept texting with a friend and I told him about the pills. I also wrote a suicide letter, very not serious, very sloppy. I am no idiot, as I said above, I know that those pills won't kill me (the LD50 on them would require over 2000 pills in rats, which I imagine is at least somewhat comparable to humans), yet the thought they might, no matter how unrealistic, comforted me. But my dumb ass sent my friend the suicide letter. I slept for 3 hours (which means the pills weren't even enough to do what they were supposed to do based on the prescription -- help me sleep), I woke up, called my ex-partner, he was on his way home, everything was okay, and then I hear knocking on the door. I assumed my ex-partner forgot his keys or something so I opened the door (absolutely naked, mind you), and it was the cops.
That's were it all got bad. I don't know why I was stupid enough to admit to them how many pills I took, but I did. They called the ambulance, saying my speech was slurred and all that. I mean, yeah, duh, I had a fair amount of alcohol before I went to sleep, I woke up after 3 hours and, AND, I am not a native speaker, my speech always sounds slurred. They called the ambulance eve after I called them I was fine. I also told them I didn't have health insurance and that I cannot afford it. The ambulance came, didn't let me take my dog with me (I have paperwork confirming I need a service dog) although I said he is a service dog in training (huge mistake, if I did not say the "in training" part, they could have let me take him or, if they didn't, I'd have good grounds to sue them, which I still intend to do.) They put an IV on me, made me swallow a bunch of charcoal, took a lot of blood samples, had me hooked to a machine recording my vitals, all that good stuff. Thing is, my vitals were obviously fine. I did not "OD" as the papers they gave me after state. I was put on an involuntary hold. They didn't even let me have a phone charger or eat with a fucking plastic fork(like, how stupid are they, none of those things can actually be used to hurt yourself plus I was under supervision the whole time). They wouldn't let me go piss without escorting me. It was the most humiliating experience of my life. I really just wanted to get out of there and go to work (I work nights.) All the nurses were hella mean to me, treating me like I was insane or just human garbage, and they all told me that there was no way I'd get out of the hospital that day because "I took a potentially lethal" amount of pills. Which is a fucking blatant lie. Again, I know the LD50, I know how pills work, even with alcohol mixed in, you don't OD on that shit. I had to wait a humiliating 12-14 hours to finally speak to a psychologist to be allowed to leave. After all of their bullshit.
All in all, I no longer have friends now because I blocked them all because they all are really mad at me. Which is fair but also... not really? Like, yeah, I scared them and I get it and I feel bad and embarrassed. But calling the ambulance on me was the ultimate dick move. They could have first checked if what I took was actually dangerous, they could have come to check on me before calling the ambulance, or they could have just been smart enough to understand how much it would screw me to be taken to the hospital. And that was the most traumatic experience of my life. I have never been treated that poorly, never had my autonomy denied that way. I genuinely think I am likely to develop PTSD from this. I thought I might have locked myself in the bathroom at work today and I had a panic attack because of how scared I am now to not be able to leave a place freely.
All in all, I wish people understood how traumatic it is to be involuntarily held at a shitty hospital. How not okay it is to have to pay medical bills when you did not consent for it and were completely fine. I know I scared them because I acted like a fucking idiot talking to them about it and being dramatic. But holy shit now I feel like I cannot trust anyone and have flashbacks.
Back to the topic. So my stupid ass was buzzed. I've spent long enough on this forum to know you cannot OD on most pills. But I had some 40 or so 25mg hydroxyzine pills. I was really upset and dramatic so I took them all at once. The problem is that, before that, I called most of my friends telling them how depressed I was and, AND (biggest mistake of all, which I am very embarrassed about) I kept texting with a friend and I told him about the pills. I also wrote a suicide letter, very not serious, very sloppy. I am no idiot, as I said above, I know that those pills won't kill me (the LD50 on them would require over 2000 pills in rats, which I imagine is at least somewhat comparable to humans), yet the thought they might, no matter how unrealistic, comforted me. But my dumb ass sent my friend the suicide letter. I slept for 3 hours (which means the pills weren't even enough to do what they were supposed to do based on the prescription -- help me sleep), I woke up, called my ex-partner, he was on his way home, everything was okay, and then I hear knocking on the door. I assumed my ex-partner forgot his keys or something so I opened the door (absolutely naked, mind you), and it was the cops.
That's were it all got bad. I don't know why I was stupid enough to admit to them how many pills I took, but I did. They called the ambulance, saying my speech was slurred and all that. I mean, yeah, duh, I had a fair amount of alcohol before I went to sleep, I woke up after 3 hours and, AND, I am not a native speaker, my speech always sounds slurred. They called the ambulance eve after I called them I was fine. I also told them I didn't have health insurance and that I cannot afford it. The ambulance came, didn't let me take my dog with me (I have paperwork confirming I need a service dog) although I said he is a service dog in training (huge mistake, if I did not say the "in training" part, they could have let me take him or, if they didn't, I'd have good grounds to sue them, which I still intend to do.) They put an IV on me, made me swallow a bunch of charcoal, took a lot of blood samples, had me hooked to a machine recording my vitals, all that good stuff. Thing is, my vitals were obviously fine. I did not "OD" as the papers they gave me after state. I was put on an involuntary hold. They didn't even let me have a phone charger or eat with a fucking plastic fork(like, how stupid are they, none of those things can actually be used to hurt yourself plus I was under supervision the whole time). They wouldn't let me go piss without escorting me. It was the most humiliating experience of my life. I really just wanted to get out of there and go to work (I work nights.) All the nurses were hella mean to me, treating me like I was insane or just human garbage, and they all told me that there was no way I'd get out of the hospital that day because "I took a potentially lethal" amount of pills. Which is a fucking blatant lie. Again, I know the LD50, I know how pills work, even with alcohol mixed in, you don't OD on that shit. I had to wait a humiliating 12-14 hours to finally speak to a psychologist to be allowed to leave. After all of their bullshit.
All in all, I no longer have friends now because I blocked them all because they all are really mad at me. Which is fair but also... not really? Like, yeah, I scared them and I get it and I feel bad and embarrassed. But calling the ambulance on me was the ultimate dick move. They could have first checked if what I took was actually dangerous, they could have come to check on me before calling the ambulance, or they could have just been smart enough to understand how much it would screw me to be taken to the hospital. And that was the most traumatic experience of my life. I have never been treated that poorly, never had my autonomy denied that way. I genuinely think I am likely to develop PTSD from this. I thought I might have locked myself in the bathroom at work today and I had a panic attack because of how scared I am now to not be able to leave a place freely.
All in all, I wish people understood how traumatic it is to be involuntarily held at a shitty hospital. How not okay it is to have to pay medical bills when you did not consent for it and were completely fine. I know I scared them because I acted like a fucking idiot talking to them about it and being dramatic. But holy shit now I feel like I cannot trust anyone and have flashbacks.
